Angry 365 Days a Year

Rick Santorum smells worse than cat poo

2012-01-07T11:51:00.001+11:00

It's TFU Friday and this week I'm talking about Rick Santorum, stinky cat poo and horrible bugs. Those are different stories, by the way, it isn't all about Santorum. Honest.

Links for more info:

I'm usually up late and so I see a lot of infomercials. It bugs me how often they are blatantly lying and apparently it bugged a New York judge as well who found it "highly implausible" 11 panelists would "stick their noses in jars of excrement and report 44 independent times that they smelled nothing unpleasant."

And the world is full of people who want to tell you how fucked up Rick Santorum is.

If you really want to know more about that horrible Satan Bug, what's wrong with you? But there's info here

And I'll round off with my friend AIDzee off his head on drugs:

Meeting Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer

2012-01-04T23:59:00.000+11:00

I don't know what 2012 will bring but it certainly started on a high note for me. On New Year's Eve I met my long-time literary hero Neil Gaiman and his lovely wife Amanda Palmer. The tickets weren't cheap but they were certainly worth it. I think I can still hear myself from 15 years ago screaming with excitement as the echoes of this event reach me.

I hope I didn't make a mess of my Sandman comics.

Sexy Strippers at Trash Masque New Year's Eve Party

2012-01-03T23:48:00.000+11:00

I usually don't make a big thing of New Year's Eve, it's too much of an arbitrary thing for me. But it was a little different this year when my all time literary hero, Neil Gaiman decided to host a New Year's Eve party here in Melbourne with his lovely wife Amanda Palmer and a host of other performers.

The theme of the night was Trash Masquerade and there were lots of impressive costumes. Among the entertainers were the following pair:

Let's get angry

2012-01-02T23:25:00.000+11:00

One of my favourite things about YouTube is the opportunity it provided to get in touch with truly awesome people. Even better is when you get to work with them. Some very talented and fun guys from Adelaide known as Refuge From Reno came to Melbourne to do a couple of collaborations, including this one with me:

We had enormous fun making this although I think I scared Tyson with the intensity of my screaming. There was actually heaps more of me screaming, Tyson just chose the high points for the video. We may release the rest at a later date.

And yes, this did hurt my throat. By the way, this is the other collaboration the boys did while in Melbourne - a Christmas special:

2012 End Of The World Survival Kit Competition

2012-01-01T22:44:00.000+11:00

What better way to start a new year than to acknowledge we're all going to die?

Actually, I started the year in a far better way - the Trash Masquerade Ball hosted by Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer. I will be posting much more video from the night over the coming days. And yes, I can anticipate the demand so I'll upload the full video of the sexy strippers first.

So far as the competition goes, if you want to enter, post comments on my YouTube channel to let me know how the world will end. Best answer wins. I'll probably be guided my the most thumbs up for a comment but I reserve the right to make my own decision if I think someone's been playing silly buggers or cheating.

TFU Friday – Norway, Australia and ComicCon

2011-07-30T21:38:00.001+10:00

The awful events recently in Norway have united all decent people in their support of the Norwegian people. Sadly, not all people are decent.

It's predictable but sickening that so many people use this tragedy to further their own agenda. Glenn Beck calls the shooting victims "Hitler Youth" and Bill O'Reilly is delusional about Christianity. Why do the American right in particular find it so hard to concede a point or admit fault? A competitor in the TFU response stakes was ex-Smiths frontman Morrisey who said the killings were "nothing compared to what happens in McDonald's and Kentucky Fried shit every day".

But the winner of worst response for my money, was an ally of Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi who actually supported the murderer's manifesto.

On a lighter but still fucked up note, there were the usual animal attacks in Australia and a real tragedy for the nerds of Comic Con.

Hey retard, you're an idiot!

2011-07-28T22:32:00.000+10:00

There is a lot of argument over whether calling someone a retard is a good idea or bad idea.

Is choosing not to use "retard" as an insult political correctness or simply being nice? While doing some research for this video, I found this site that details how the word idiot, imbecile and moron once all had medical definitions linked to degrees of mental retardation. Maybe the insult retard/retarded is destined to go the same way as these words and pass into common usage, losing its link to medical definitions of intellectual disability.

But isn't it fun knowing "idiot" is the worst insult of all?

Free Porn - three way action with Mistress M

2011-07-25T21:53:00.000+10:00

Is free internet porn destroying society? Is porn evil? Are young men getting unrealistic ideas about sex from watching porn? These weight issues and more are tackled by myself, Mistress M and AIDzee.

RIP Kipp Williamson

2011-05-31T18:41:00.001+10:00

I had some sad news recently with the passing of my friend Kipp Williamson. I first met Kipp when we held our first big gathering in November 2007. We stayed in contact since then and Kipp has been in a lot of my videos with his music being in many more.

This is my farewell to Kipp and includes the last video I shot with him (but not the last time we were together. Rest in Peace mate, we'll miss you.

And here's a video we shot quite a while ago. I uploaded an edited version of this at the time but now seems like a good time to share the full video.

The REAL Secret is The Promise

2011-02-14T21:06:00.000+11:00

If an ominous voiceover told you there was a FACELESS CONSPIRACY running your life, would you be scared? ProductCorp want you to know the ULTIMATE SECRET! You are beset by a NAMELESS FEAR. You know there must be a FACELESS CONSPIRACY holding you back from everything you want. But now, ProductCorp PROMISE a CURE for your FEAR. The secret is, with ProductCorp's PROMISE - you will get everything you want. We promise. By sending us ACTUAL CASH you get all the benefits of out Promise.

We Promise to keep promising. For as long as it take to get all of your ACTUAL CASH! If things don't change right away for you, all that means is you need to keep sending CASH. And we will keep promising. That's a Promise you can take to the bank. Which is where we will be taking your CASH.

That's our bank, not yours. It's in the Cayman Islands. It's very nice. If you send us enough ACTUAL CASH, we'll send you a postcard. We Promise.

Seriously, send your payment to
GPO Box 3290
Melbourne 3001 Australia
And we'll send you either the Box of Wonder or The Book of Truth. You know, if you're very easily fooled. Or want a weird souvenir.

Let ProductCorp PROMISE you a CURE

2011-02-12T20:22:00.002+11:00

Does it seem like a FACELESS CONSPIRACY is controlling your life? Do you suffer from a NAMELESS FEAR? Wouldn't you like someone to PROMISE a CURE? At ProductCorp, promises are what we do. All you need to do is send us ACTUAL CASH. And we'll never stop promising.

Seriously, send your payment to
GPO Box 3290
Melbourne 3001 Australia
And we'll send you either the Box of Wonder or The Book of Truth. You know, if you're very easily fooled. Or want a weird souvenir.

And here's some behind the scenes footage (including me smashing the shit out of a tripod) courtesy of our collaborator, Damie

Melbourne says hello to DaveDays

2011-01-23T21:42:00.001+11:00

I believe that Melbourne cemented its place as the YouTube capital of Australia this weekend. Popular American YouTuber Davedays is visiting Australia and did a public meet and greet of fans along with some popular local YouTubers. How popular is he? Over 1.3 million subscribers, #12 most subscribed of all time and currently #1 musician worldwide on YouTube and his videos have been viewed over 245 million times in total. THAT popular.

The get together was organised by Daves friend Kimmi who didn't think it would be such a big deal. They organised a similar event in Los Angeles and about 50 people came along. See for yourself what a big deal Melbourne made of the event:

Young Spice vs AngryAussie

2011-01-19T13:33:00.002+11:00

Old Spice meme is Old. We have Young Spice. Allow me to explain.

I do a lot of my video development with my friend Adrian Calear who is very well know in Melbourne comedy circles as both a performer and director. Adrian and I recently met Michael (the young man in the video below) at a mini-gathering in Melbourne. He was here getting some treatment to make sure his body doesn't reject a bone marrow transplant which was itself treatment for a second round of blood cancer. Which is clearly shit-heaps fun.

And yes, I said second round of blood cancer. Michael has previously been treated successfully for leukaemia. So we figured he should have some fun while he's here. We worked on a few ideas and techniques then shot this video. I think he's done a damn fine job for his first time on camera.

After we watched the video, we realised the fact we had used a blue sheet as the backdrop meant we could have some fun with chroma-keying (AKA BlueScreening) and so started messing around. Then we remembered we had a friend who has quite a good studio set up with a green screen so we've come up with a collaboration project that we'll be unveiling soon.

In the meantime, this video is a teaser:

Song for Boo

2011-01-16T20:00:00.000+11:00

In the eternal quest for internet domination I got together with a few friends to try and come up with a song. Not just any song, mind you. Given the viral nature of cat videos and how songs are always popular we decided to come up with a song for Mistress M's cat, Boo. Here's the result:

There are some very good singers at work here but we may still have a little work to do. And in response to some recurring comments on YouTube, I feel compelled to point out that there was no alcohol or drug consumption involved in the making of this video.

Not that I have anything against that sort of consumption, it's more a case of being surprised that there is a subset of people who seem unable to understand that creativity, fun and/or any behaviour slightly left of centre does not necessarily involve imbibing substances.

And if you liked that video, here is the whole improvisation session, unedited:

Queensland Flood Appeal

2011-01-12T23:10:00.001+11:00

Flooding in Queensland has caused a disaster areas more than twice the size of Texas and it's getting worse. You can help by clicking here to donate to the official relief fund.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt7-SaiMMH8]

I'll be donating the money I earn from the YouTube partner program for the next week so share this video around and you'll also be helping! The more people who know about this, the more we can help.

And regarding the Melbourne YouTube gathering, here is the video from Kimmi:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrZekTJurXk]

In short,
When: Saturday, January 22nd 2011
Where: Federation Square meet in front of the Giant Screen/Stage.
Time: 12pm - 3pm (hopefully it's not too hot!!)

Cutest Christmas Kitteh EVAR!

2011-01-05T11:22:00.000+11:00

I know this was a little late but I didn't get this on video in time to make it a Christmas video.

Just before Christmas, we adopted a new kitten from the Lort Smith Animal Hospital in Melbourne. Shadow has well and truly made herself at home in our house and it turns out she really likes Christmas trees. As in, really likes to destroy them. Oh well, it was time to take it down anyway.

Angry New Year's Resolution

2011-01-03T23:50:00.001+11:00

I don't do new year's resolutions - never have. This is a resolution for other people. I'm allowed to do that - declare resolutions that other people need to follow. It's one of my official powers.

This is a video for sharing with those in need - namely if there's someone you think is being a dick, send them this and they might mend their ways. We can always hope.

The music at the start and end of this video are two different pieces of theme music created for me by YouTubers. That's right, I need more than one theme tune. Deal with it.

The hip hop theme at the start was done by NSG

The heavy metal theme at the end was done by Shaun/Blordough

The 2010 TFU Awards

2011-01-01T22:11:00.002+11:00

For my last video of 2010 I decided to inaugurate the TFU Awards, the first annual awards recognising the most totally fucked up of all the stories I noted for Totally Fucked Up Friday. It certainly wasn't an easy task but I gave awards in four categories:

Most TFU Moment in Racism:

http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/2010/01/19/nba_563760.shtml

Most TFU Moment in Law enforcement:

http://gawker.com/5636011/stupid-california-police-warn-parents-of-pedobear-the-pedophile-mascot

Most TFU Hypocrite of the year:

http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2010-05-06/news/christian-right-leader-george-rekers-takes-vacation-with-rent-boy/

Most TFU Trend of the year:

http://www.aolnews.com/2010/12/20/will-porn-lock-in-uk-and-france-lead-to-internet-censorship/

Fan Art

2010-11-28T22:56:00.002+11:00

One of my favourite things that have come out of creating the "Angry Aussie" character is the contributions fans of my work have made. From people who have collaborated in videos to people who have created music especially for me (notably NSG, Vortex and Blordough) to people who have created artworks, I've been continually surprised and delighted by people's contributions. Not least because I've never asked people to do these things for me; they felt inspired to do it themselves.

I am always blown away by the work DrakeMagnum does for me (it features on the backrops I use for videos and several t-shirts) and he's just done this piece which makes for an awesome commemoration of the recent visit to Australia by my friend Cory AKA Mr Safety of SMP Films.

This piece is inspired by this video shot in Adelaide:

And just because I like theme, here are a few more DrakeMagnum designs:

Assassin's Creed

2010-11-23T09:33:00.000+11:00

In many and indeed most cultures, the killing or assassination of enemies is sanctioned and sometimes even encouraged in their warrior traditions.

For example, the Bushido holds that the warrior is as a cherry blossom - brief and beautiful and doomed. Comparable to the beliefs of the Amerindians whose mantra of "Today is a good day to die" propelled the warrior into a state of selfless focus and allowed him to kill guiltlessly without fear of death.

Consider the desert assassins from Arabia and Africa - their technique was to become the wind and the sand, assuming an elemental aspect similar to the Shaolin monks whose reverence for life is suspended while they were a force of nature.

Of course, in a lot of cases, such as the Incas and Aztecs, killing became ordained. Made holy by sacrifice and sacred duty. As with the chivalric knights Templar, a vigil or prayer and fasting is observed before the killing, making it a de facto church execution thus guaranteeing absolution from sin.

Mr Lurksalot has his own philosophy:

Adventures in online video

2010-11-21T22:26:00.001+11:00

Thinking I could make a living by making online content, specifically YouTube videos, was not a terrible idea. I may have jumped the gun with giving up a regular day job as the revenue growth from YouTube has so far been less than stellar. Good, but not enough to support me full time. So I'll probably have to go back to a day job after Christmas.

That's a real middle class white man's problem, isn't it? Complaining that I might have to work for a living like everyone else. Ignoring the huge number of people who don't even have that as an option, who face a real struggle when they look for employment.

But that's my problem so sod it.

And I'm a little more frustrated than usual because of system failures tonight. Sat down to edit a video and the software keeps crashing before I can start. Windows does this shit. This problem usually happens straight after a Windows "update" but the glitch usually works itself out after a few restarts. Or in a day or so.

It's kind of tragic that in this modern age one of the most common technical fixes is still "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" So until that works, no new videos. In lieu of a video, here's a photo:

I really enjoyed my recent trip to England.

TFU TSA on CNN - TLA FTW!

2010-11-20T17:55:00.000+11:00

I thought I'd see how many Three Letter Acronyms I could squeeze into the title. For my Weekly TFU (Totally Fucked Up) Friday video, the central story I commented on was the new invasive "security" procedures being put in place at airports in the USA by the TSA. There are many reasons this is TFU - itdoesn't work, it's being abused and there are much less invasive options that would work better.

What interests me is that the TSA may have finally pushed things too far. All of their bullshit procedures have been more about theatre than effectiveness - it seems the appearance of doing something is more important than actually doing something effective. But this seems to be the tipping point. I've never seen so much negative press and threats of public revolt at any of their other ridiculous charades. All of which is leading up to a proposed Opt Out Day. And some truly inventive suggestions for revenge.

An unexpected bonus was when an excerpt from this video was used to illustrate a story on CNN. Seeing as that is unlikely to be a permanent link, plus my appearance is so brief you might miss it if you blink, here's a screen grab to prove I was there:

This is about the fourth time this presenter, Jeanne Moos, has used one of my videos to illustrate one of her stories (she does the "off beat" stories). I should make friends with her - maybe I can get a whole video on CNN one day.

2010-11-15T13:58:00.000+11:00

I went to Adelaide recently - my first visit to the city and now I can finally say I've been to every state and territory capital city in Australia. Go me! There were two puposes to the trip. One was to go to the wedding of these fine people:

The second was to meet up with my long time YouTube friend, Cory Williams AKA Mr Safety of SMP Films. We saw dolphins:

We also collaborated on quite a few videos which will be appearing soon. I think we both agreed that in a perfect world I'd travel to the states once a year and he'd travel here once a year so we could work together every six months. But to make that work I need to either earn a lot more or get a wealthy benefactor. In the meantime, here's an emu!

Cream Tea in Banwell Castle

2010-10-24T09:21:00.000+11:00

This is the first HD video from my recent trip to the UK. It's the start of my road trip Steve AKA EvilB which eventually headed north the Edinburgh then back down to London. We started off going on a drive with Pete AKA Pazvibes to meet up with Nathan AKA Paradigma and Steffi AKA DeliriumReal/SaraParker in Weston Super Mare (North Somerset). They took us up to Banwell Castle for cream tea - you can't really get much more English than that.

The music is by Pete's band The Martin Harley Band from their album "Drumrolls for Somersaults".

Farmville before the Internet

2010-10-22T09:53:00.001+11:00

Having kids who are deeply into online games like Farmville can be a bit weird. The insistence of "I can't let my crops wither" seems a little disconnected from reality from time to time.

Now, I get computer games. I enjoy them. So I'm not about to go on a "you kids need to get outside into the real world" rant. Although that's not a bad idea. Just stay off my lawn. Farmville I avoid - I'm more of a Zombie Farm kind of guy:

: Double Rainbow - so intense!

My recent trip to the UK with my partner had many high points but one of the fun surprises was seeing a play set of hers from about 40 years ago that showed the more things change, the more they stay the same. This play set involves dozens of tiny plastic pieces that you put together to make and decorate a farm - Farmville before the internet or home computers!

Just like Farmville, with this toy you got a basic set that is designed to get you hooked so you spend money upgrading to more features and pretty things. You can move the components around as much as you like for many different looks.

They even provide a custom tool for inserting the flowers and other decorative items into position.

After playing with it for a few minutes we both wished you could still buy this in shops. I guess the addictive nature of this and its similarities to Farmville shows the more things change, the more they stay the same.

And just for a sense of perspective and scale, here's my massive head next to the farm:

English Faggots

2010-10-10T03:59:00.001+11:00

That's some shameless linkbait in that heading. It ought to attract gay anglophiles, moronic homophobes, anti-England bigots and gay rights activists looking for something to be outraged over.

And it's simply a photo of me with some faggots I found in an English supermarket.

The real question is who is this Mr Brain and why does he like his faggots with more sauce?

I'm hung like the Australian Parliament

2010-08-22T19:40:00.001+10:00

Well, we had a Federal Election in Australia this weekend and the voice of the Australian people has sounded a resounding "meh". We have a hung parliament, meaning neither major party won enough seats to claim an outright majority - the usual way a government is formed. However this ends up (and it could take quite a while to resolve) who ever forms government will be a minority dependent on independents and Green or two to continue in government.

Besides making politics in this country a bit more interesting, the resolution might make a few people a bit more aware of the some facts about the constitution. Because it seems like a significant chunk of this country is completely oblivious to how things actually work in this country.

I got so sick of people saying during this campaign that they didn't vote for Julia Gillard as Prime Minister. First, because the fucking morons saying they were concerned about Kevin Rudd getting knocked off by his own party were Liberal voters anyway and they hated Rudd. I am not a huge fan of lying hypocritical scumbags who refuse to admit to their true motivations.

Second, the public NEVER votes for the Prime Minister. The public votes for their local member of parliament. The leader of the party that forms government is automatically the PM and they are voted leader by their own party, not the public. And even more important, the PM is NOT the head of state in Australia. They run the government of the day but they are not the head of state.

We are a constitutional monarchy and our head of state is the Monarch of England, currently Queen Elizabeth II. On a day to day basis she is represented by the Governor General who is appointed by the Australian government (i.e our head of state is elected by nobody). Look upNovember 11th 1975 if you can't see any problems with that. So the Governor General has to agree with whoever declares they should head up the forthcoming minority government.

Here's what's likely to happen:

* Prime Minister Julia Gillard constitutionally has the first opportunity to form a new government, regardless of whether her Labor party has won more seats than the conservative opposition.

* Gillard would meet Governor-General Quentin Bryce and advise her of Labor's intention to form a new government.

* Once a new government is sworn in, a parliamentary sitting would be held as soon as possible to determine whether Gillard's new administration had a workable majority in the lower house.

* The opposition would then call a no-confidence motion to test her minority government's support in parliament.

* In order to survive that censure motion, Gillard would have needed to reach an agreement with enough independent MPs and/or Greens to form a government, including guarantees from them on the passage of annual budgets.

* Legal experts say this process could take several weeks to play out, with Labor and the Liberal-National opposition likely to engage the independents and Greens in behind-the-scenes negotiations to see which major party can win them over.

* There is another, more unlikely scenario in the event that the opposition forges a quick alliance with independents before Gillard has a chance to consult the governor-general.

* In this case, Gillard could in theory advise the governor-general to initially swear in a Liberal-National minority government. But this is unlikely because there's nothing in the constitution that would force her to do so - which will drive Liberal supporters crazy.

So, in short, nobody knows exactly what's going to happen. And whatever happens, it's almost certain that the side that finds themselves in opposition won't stop complaining until after the next federal election. Whenever that is.

And here's my video explanation:

Weirdest kids book ever

2010-08-09T16:44:00.001+10:00

Inspiration for videos comes from the weirdest places. Browsing through the iTunes store I saw what looked like a cute kid's book. It was free so I thought what the heck, I'll download it.

It turned out to have a few unexpected quirks. Machine translation tends to give some pretty weird results. At least, I hope it was machine translation. I'd hate to think someone translated it this way on purpose.

Quite a few viewers called this one of the funniest things I've done which is always nice to hear. Not least because I wasn't assuming I'd get that response. This was one of those videos where I'm quite unsure of how people will react. I certainly thought it was funny (or I wouldn't have posted it) but I didn't bank on it being regarded as "funniest ever".

On one level I'm not a very good judge of what my audience will really like. Every now and then I'm surprised by how strongly people react to a video. I'm surprised how often a video I'm really not sure of ends up being really popular with my audience. More than once I've almost decided against uploading a video and it turned out to be really popular once it was up.

So I've learned to simply do my best with videos and not second guess myself. If I think the video is worth making the audience usually thinks it's worth watching.

What's it like being your own boss?

2010-08-05T21:26:00.001+10:00

I've been my own boss for about two weeks now and people want to know how it's going. Well, you know the old saying about working for yourself - the boss is crazy and you can't get away from him.

I do find myself putting a lot of thought into what I should be doing with my time - what can I do now to build my audience? So far, I haven't really been doing anything different but I will be expanding over the next couple of weeks. I might even get a bit organised and put a big to-do list on my wall to remind me of what I should be doing.

But I do think my boss is crazy.

YouTube is my life - for real

2010-07-26T15:12:00.000+10:00

So I've made a momentous decision to stop messing about with this online stuff and do it for real. Namely, I am going to spend the next six months focusing primarily on YouTube as my source of revenue. I'll be increasing my activity in other online arenas as well, like this blog and Facebook. But given that YouTube is already a revenue stream for me, that's where most of my energy will be going.

The YouTube Partner Program is not the most secure way to earn an income. YouTube would be well within their rights to alter the deal or to revoke the Partner Program altogether any time they felt like it. This isn't something I think is going to happen but it would be stupid to think it's impossible. So while my initial goal is to raise my profile on YouTube, it isn't the only part of my strategy.

I will be working with a friend who is a well known comedy director to write some scripts that we will develop into videos. While these will go onto YouTube, they are also being developed with an eye to other possible revenue streams: DVDs, iTunes and selling them to TV stations are all options. In short, I'm going to be busy. And I plan to be dragging quite a few other people in to make them busy as well.

Stay tuned

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQTGHgyHyp4]

And yes, the inspiration for this post's title is this legendary YouTube video:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p21nZmtq56M]

Must. Not. Fap.

2010-06-30T23:13:00.001+10:00

Ahhhh, Internet. You never cease to provide me with immature things to enjoy. Tonight while I was doing a live BlogTV show and the subject turned to fapping (as it so often does). Specifically, we were talking talking about this video and the line "are you fapping?"

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u02KFm67uIc]

Then I'm pretty sure I traumatised someone by telling them to search on Google images for "fapping" which turned up the "must not fap" meme. Then to humour people I posed for a "must not fap" image so people could screen cap it and make fun of me.

Then things kind of took off. One of the viewers posted a pic to 4Chan and the rest piled on. I'm informed that these threads don't stay up long so there's no point in posting a link here, but I did save a lot of the images.

Enjoy these few. I will be using all the images I saved in the remix video.

Carbon Trading is probably bullshit

2010-06-21T22:25:00.001+10:00

I've gone online a few times talking about global warming/climate change, mainly to say how much the deniers piss me off. It's one thing when people disagree with you and you have different value systems so you think their opinion is crap. But what infuriates me about global warming deniers is that their arguments are direct lies. The crap they spout is literally the direct opposite of the truth.

Their ridiculous arguments have been debunked again and again, there is NO peer reviewed science that supports their position, literally none, and it makes no fucking difference. They simply will not shut up. They even lie about wanting to "debate". They don't want to debate, that would involve listening to the other side and acknowledging when the truth is spoken. All they do is launch a non-stop verbal assault and try to batter their opponents into submission.

Every single aspect of their position is dishonest and quite frankly contemptible. Which is why I refuse to indulge them in their little game. Any of their talk about "engagement" is meaningless lies and so fuck them. I'll just enjoy my time insulting them because that's all that's left to me.

A separate issue to the truth of climate change which lying fucktard deniers tend to say is the same issue is whether or not carbon trading is a viable solution. My short answer is I don't think so. It reeks of bullshit. There's a good article here covering why carbon trading plans are likely to fail and a really funny one by Matt Taibbi in Rolling Stonethat's mainly ripping Goldman Sachs apart but also points out the fact that their promotion of carbon trading almost guarantees its failure.

Also, I had fun ranting about it on YouTube

Beneath Contempt

2010-06-20T21:18:00.000+10:00

I was playing around with some ideas on creative ways to insult morons who leave stupid comments ("go fuck yourself" is an old standby but I like to have a bit of variety) and I ended up expressing myself (as I so so often do) through t-shirts. I've gone for a variety of ways of saying someone is beneath contempt as follows:

While these designs are fun, I wanted something that I could use as a response to stupid comments that the haters wouldn't understand. Inside jokes are fun and confusing morons is even more fun. And so I came up with a pseudo-Venn diagram with "Contempt" as a large circle with a small circle underneath it (beneath contempt). It's rounded off with the explanation "you are the small circle" which becomes the reply I will give to comments that are beneath contempt.

I also explained this via a YouTube video with the help of one of the sexy models provided by Zazzle:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxpzCFTcj98]

Finally, as a result of several suggestions, I've also turned the phrase into a de-motivational poster:

The image is one of the designs that have been done for me by a YouTube friend, DrakeMagnum. The good news (as far as I'm concerned) is that he feels inspired to do a new design based on this idea. I can't wait to see it!

Police to issue $100 fines for swearing

2010-06-16T23:14:00.000+10:00

Every now and then a news story comes along that seems so tailor made for me I simplyhave to do a video about it. This is one of those stories.

Melbourne Street Art

2010-06-14T11:11:00.001+10:00

One of the things I love making videos of is the awesome street art/graffiti around Melbourne. The city is renowned as having some of the best street art in the world and despite the occasional bleating of various city and state governments the large scale quality works are extremely popular.

There's always a problem with taggers scrawling their shit over people's property in general and over actual quality pieces in particular. The fact that they scrawl over the really good works sums them up for me - talentless little pieces of shit who get jealous of people who can actually do something worthwhile and want to drag them down. When they can't even respect what they consider their own "scene" you know they are total fucking losers.

Actually, the thing that probably shits me most about taggers is how they defend their own stupidity. They will actually blather on about how the scene needs taggers. Talentless, childish and seriously fucking deluded to boot.

Anyhow, I made a couple of videos of street art this weekend and I thought I'd share them here. This first video is mostly newer work that I haven't shot before. Most of it is in one of the city hotspots - Hosier Lane near Federation Square and there's also a sequence that was shot in St Kilda in a lane off Acland Street.

This second video is essentially showing off a new effect I discovered when I upgraded to the latest version of my video editing software (Corel {formerly Ulead} Video Studio for those who are interested). I was going to shoot some new stills of some fairly extensive works around a tram stop and pedestrian subway on St Kilda Road but the whole area was being torn up for roadworks when I went there.

So I decided to use some old photos from about four years ago. It's highly likely none of these pieces exist any more as the artists tend to paint over them every year or two. So this video has become a tribute to the ephemeral nature of street art - commemorating works that have passed away.

Or maybe it's just pretty pictures.

The music in these videos is by my friend Kipp AKA Vortex who always comes through with good tracks when I need them.

Cute animals that will rip your face off

2010-06-07T22:06:00.000+10:00

Australia is somewhat famous for lethal animals like sharks, crocodiles and snakes. On a more pleasant note, we are also known for extremely cute. The horrible truth that the tourism board doesn't want you to know is the cute animals will kill you too if you give them a chance.

Stupid woman sues Google for stupid reason

2010-06-03T23:13:00.000+10:00

I do like it when I get the opportunity to highlight someone who's just really fucking stupid in a really frivolous and meaningless way. Often when I'm compiling material for a blog post or a TFU Friday video it's fairly heavy or at least contentious.

But some people are stupid, pure and simple. I like to keep my moments of stupidity private. I certainly don't do things that would draw the world's attention to my idiocy. Not so, Lauren Rosenberg of Park City, Utah. She used Google maps to get walking directions. All fine so far. Then the directions she was following essentially suggested she should walk down a highway that didn't have a footpath. But that's OK because she isn't a moron.

Oh wait, yes she is.

This moron walked into traffic on a highway and surprise, surprise, she got hit by a car. That's stupid and embarrassing but if that was the end of it I'd cut her some slack. Everyone does stupid things sometimes.

That wasn't the end of it.

This unbelievable fucking moron thinks she now has the right to sue Google because she's stupid enough to walk onto a highway. If she was dead she'd be a sure thing for this year's Darwin award but she's alive so she's a prime candidate for most frivolous lawsuit of the year. I'll go out on a limb and say she's going to lose the case, not least because Google include a disclaimer about this sort of thing.

So she suffered a painful accident. She's a laughing stock around the world. And I doubt she's learned anything by it. Stupid people are like that.

WAINGAFAT Wednesday - Quitting Facebook

2010-06-02T23:19:00.000+10:00

There has been so much pants wetting lately about the evils of Facebook and how everyone should quit. Frankly, I don't give a fuck. The real problem is stupid people who post embarrassing stuff online with the deluded idea that it won't spread outside their immediate circle of friends. Or the really stupid ones who talk to the New York Times about how they were scared Facebook would expose what a drunken whore they are. Not to mention people who don't know how fucking stupid they look.

Anyway, if you watch this video, you'll discover my secret method for stopping Facebook from sharing your private information no matter how they change their privacy settings.

LIAR

2010-05-31T18:15:00.003+10:00

Liar. Pete Townshend is one!

Why I don't give a fuck about male circumcision zealots

2010-05-30T16:43:00.000+10:00

I learned a few years ago that a certain subset of humans appear to believe male circumcision is one of the greatest acts of barbarity still perpetrated in the modern world. They get incredibly obsessive over the topic and they don't seem to comprehend that many people rightly think the topic simply isn't that fucking important.

I can generally let them go, I have no interest in trying to sway them from their views. Although it can be a lot of fun to make jokes at their expense. However, where this crowd can make me extremely fucking angry is when they say that male circumcision is exactly the same as the female genital mutilation still practiced in some societies.

From experience, I have learned that it is absolutely pointless to "engage" or "debate" with people who are obsessed with this issue. It's an emotional issue for them and once an issue has become emotional there is no point in further discussion. They say they want to "debate" but all they actually want to do is ram their point of view down your throat. And I simply don't give a fuck about people who do that.

To say that male circumcision is the same as female genital mutilation is unsupportable both logically and morally. Male circumcision removes the foreskin either for cultural or health reasons (you're free to say this is pointless - I really don't give a fuck about arguing the point). The point of circumcision is NOT to impair the function of the penis or the male enjoyment of sex. In the rare cases when something goes wrong with a circumcision and there is some damage that was NEVER the INTENTION of the procedure.

Female genital mutilation is specifically designed to damage the sexuality and sexual enjoyment of women for religious and/or cultural reasons. It is a premeditated violent act that frequently causes long term physical trauma and pain for the girls and women it is performed on. It is specifically about repressing and punishing women simply because they are women.

The two act are not the same in either effect or intention. To claim male circumcision is "just as bad" is quite frankly disgusting and reprehensible. The level of self-absorption required to make such a statement stuns me.

This all came up again because of my recent TFU Friday video which included a story dealing with female genital mutilation.

I knew from experience bringing up the topic would bring the male circumcision zealots out of the woodwork and I made it very clear I wouldn't tolerate them hijacking the comments. Which, to be fair, is also baiting them. And they are far too self-obsessed to be able to resist the bait.

But I also mean what I said. In both the video and this blog post I have no intention of wasting time with people who are obsessed by the topic of male circumcision. I really don't give a fuck about the topic, you're free to have your own opinions and I have no wish to get involved in your obsessions. Those who insist on asserting that male circumcision is as bad as female genital mutilation are beneath my contempt.

By definition, I won't be wasting time on them.

All the world's religions are TFU

2010-05-28T22:50:00.001+10:00

For Totally Fucked Up Friday this week, I managed to find an example of totally fucked up behaviour from each of the major Abrahamic faiths. When I was originally planning this I was going to simply say the major religions but I realised that would piss off the Hindus and Buddhists.

On second thoughts, that would have fit right in with the video's theme - pissing off major religions. And don't even get me started on the Zoroastrians. Motherfuckers.

I wasn't going to touch the story about female circumcision doing the rounds in Australiabecause I thought it was too sensitive and it would be too hard to cover it without being tacky. Then the theme revealed itself and it all fit in. By the way, I really have no tolerance whatsoever for fuckwits who want to carry on as if male circumcision is a big deal. Get some perspective you self absorbed fucking morons. And no, I won't indulge any comments on the topic, I will ignore them and delete them. Because I can. Get your own fucking blog you fucking loser.

Then there's the West Bank Rabbi who thinks that "women must only be heard through their husbands". I believe he also wrote "those fucking Muslims can't beat us at anything - we can oppress our women just as well as they can!"

Finally, the Northern Ireland minister who is simply too fucking stupid to be allowed outside a padded cell. The fact fuckwits like this are allowed in positions of power is nothing short of criminal. I don't give a fuck about how many people voted for them, once someone displays this level of stupidity for the sake of public safety they have to be locked away where they can't do any harm. This insane fucking freak actually thinks Ulster Protestants are one of the lost tribes of Israel. I'm absolutely floored by this level of idiocy.

Dropped Dalek Down in the Dumps

2010-05-26T23:09:00.000+10:00

Some people are calling them the Mighty Morphin' Power Daleks. This guy is calling them "the bastards who stole my job!"

What to WAINGAFAT?

2010-05-25T18:55:00.000+10:00

When I decided to do some themed videos on a regular release schedule it was based on observing how YouTube audiences like a schedule and a degree of predictability. This might seem counter-intuitive: the structure of YouTube means people can watch whatever they want whenever they want so surely this makes schedules meaningless? Well, yes and no. YouTubers definitely like the freedom to set their own viewing times but what they want most of all is something NEW and they like to know when the new videos are available.

This is, of course, the basis of the subscription system. If you like someone’s videos, subscribe and you get a message every time they release a new video. That tells you after the fact that someone has uploaded a video which is good as far as it goes but what I’ve learned is viewers like to anticipate when a new video will be uploaded. This was made clear after I’d been doing TFU Friday for a while as I would get a huge number of comments and messages from people saying how much they look forward to seeing it and the anticipation of getting a notification in their inbox.

Most of the top subscribed YouTubers release their videos to a schedule (to the same day of the week if not the same time) and this works in their favour. Audiences develop a stronger bond with video makers when they have some foreknowledge of what they will be getting. Releasing one video every two weeks will develop a stronger audience than releasing five in one week and then nothing for a month or more.

When I decided to cut back on the number of videos I was making (because making them ever day was becoming too much of a drain) I decided to try and stick to a regular Monday, Wednesday and Friday schedule and see if I could develop a theme for each day. WAINGAFAT Wednesday was the second theme I settled on (after TFU Friday) after being inspired by a comment from my friend Mac AKA FreeMountaineer who commented that when I made videos ripping on particular targets it was I was saying “Who Am I Not Giving A Fuck About Today?” which became the acronym WAINGAFAT.

I liked the idea of having an outlet for having a rant about things/people I thought simply weren’t worth giving a fuck about. The balance is quite hard to get – the angry videos are clearly on subjects I care about (either positively or negatively) and the challenge was how to make a video about people/subjects that I really think are beneath contempt and also have an answer to the fucking morons who make comments like “You must care because you made a video about it.” I’m not bothered so much by the fact that these idiots make such skull-fuckingly stupid comments – it’s the fact they think they’re being insightful while saying something so moronic that shits me.

And so WAINGAFAT Wednesday was born – a forum where I can talk about things that other people are maybe getting worked up about but I really don’t give a fuck.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72NX4im_5bY]

And for the idiots who still don’t get it, all they get in response to their public display of stupidity is MYASS.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCX6eoCUe7k]

Having said all that, WAINGAFAT Wednesday is the hardest video for me to do and stay on theme. I probably shouldn’t agonise over it so much but having set the theme I find it very difficult some weeks to settle on a subject that is within the boundaries of WAINGAFAT. I’ve decided it isn’t the end of the world if I skip a week when I really can’t decide on a fitting topic. This gives me less stress than making a video that I feel is “cheating”.

The biggest problem with TFU Friday is narrowing down my selection from the seemingly endless parade of totally fucked up stories that happen every week. But picking something that other people are worked up about but I couldn’t give a fuck about is frequently harder. This week at least it’s easy, with several prime candidates presenting themselves.

I think I’ll go with the finale of “Lost” – a show I have never watched. This isn’t so much a diss on the show, a lot of people I respect assure me it’s a great show but I never started watching it. There’s been a few great series of the last ten years that I haven’t watched religiously (yet – there’s always DVD) like The Sopranos, Six Feet Under and Deadwood. But the way some people have been losing their shit saying the ending sucked just stuns me.

Who gives a fuck about your worthless opinion you whiners? (A quick aside – the Lost fans I respect have not been acting like idiots over the ending) It isn’t that not liking the ending isn’t a valid opinion but why they fuck are these idiots bleating on as if it’s a personal affront to them? Wake the fuck up you potato heads – it isn’t about you! Here’s a suggestion: before you criticise the ending of something that has enthralled millions over the years (including you!) try making something that enthrals viewers for five fucking minutes! It’s HARD!

For years there have been jokes about how annoying Lost fans can be – going on and on about the twists and puzzles and mysteries. It turns out there’s something far more annoying than a Lost fan who feels compelled to tell you how awesome the show is and what you’re missing out on. A Lost fan who didn’t like the finale and won’t shut the fuck up about how the show’s ending is a personal insult directed specifically at them. You might think some terrible injustice has been done to you personally but like millions of others, I don’t give a fuck.

A new beginning?

2010-05-24T21:11:00.001+10:00

If you look back over the life of this blog you will see multiple entries where I write about feeling guilty for neglecting the blog. This is another one. While I actually met the blog’s original goal of writing at least one entry every day for a year and I definitely exceeded any traffic goals I dared to set it’s faded away and I’m starting to feel like that’s a waste.

The blog has been secondary to YouTube since the end of that first year and postings have obviously dropped way off in the past two years but April 2010 was the first month on record I didn’t post a single entry. I have in my mind a plan to see if I can get back to the original idea of making at least a small post every day for a year.

I’m definitely not going to obsess about the daily target – I want the blog to be a positive experience rather than a pain – and I certainly won’t be obsessive about staying within the “angry” theme. I’ll be posting whatever occurs to me. Often this will be notes for possible future videos. There are positives and negatives to fully scripting videos but from time to time that feels like the best way to approach a topic and this is the obvious place to develop the scripts.

Plus, there’s the YouTube videos themselves. I plan to post them all here from now on – to be honest I have no idea why I stopped doing that, it would have kept the blog much more active. I do have the Twitter widget to the side so that at least has been regularly updating. I may post photos here as well (I have been posting photos irregularly to TwitPic and Flickr). In other words, it’s going to be a mixed bag but things will be happening here.

I’m not completely convinced of the value in maintaining a blog – things online have changed so much since I started that it seems less relevant now. But I do still believe that writing regularly helps your writing generally so I figure as long as I don’t let it stress me out increasing my blog activity can only be a good thing.

This is a “soft launch” and I’m making June 1^st my official launch date to see if I can maintain a post a day for another year. By starting on an easier to remember date it will make my progress towards my goal more obvious. With a week to turn my focus back to the blog I’m hoping I’ll hit the ground running on June 1^st.

Wish me luck!

Saudi woman beats the crap out of "virtue cop"

2010-05-20T21:38:00.004+10:00

When I read this story about young Saudi woman hospitalising on of the cretinous (and frankly terrifying) morality cops that infest that country, I was simultaneously elated and depressed. Elated because it's always good to see an oppressed minority strike back at an authority figure. Depressed because I can't help but feel that the punishment meted out to this woman will be particularly brutal.

Religious intolerance is bad enough when it simply takes the form of the societal pressures to conform we get in western democracies but when there's a brutal police force whose sole role is to enforce barbaric medieval "morality" it becomes truly evil.

And around the world we have anti-Muslim morons crying "ban the burqa" and daring to say they're doing it to protect women's rights and not simply treating Muslims as second class citizens. So why aren't these champions of the rights of Muslim women promoting action against oppressive countries like Saudi Arabia and calling for boycotts?

Oh yeah... oil. We wouldn't want our championing of oppressed women to actually cost us anything.

Ignorance and lies

2010-03-23T07:48:00.000+11:00

I’m going to propose a hypothetical situation to you. You’re in a burning building. You need to get out. You make it to the ground floor and end up in a room with two unmarked exits. One of them leads outside to safety. The other leads straight into a worse fire and you’ll be killed instantly if you open it. It fact in that room is worse than a fire. There are also lions in there. Hungry, fire-proof lions. And they have machine guns. Plus there are flying sharks with lasers on their heads. That room is bad news.

The trouble is, you don’t know which door leads to safety and which leads to certain death. Fortunately, there is someone in the room who does.

In one scenario, this person really doesn’t like you. In fact they’re a bit of a prick to people generally. They think it’s funny to send people to their death. So when you ask which door leads to safety he points you to the heavily armed lion and laser shark room. Because he’s an arsehole and he wants you to die.

In another scenario, the person is simply ignorant of how dangerous it is to go into a burning room full of machine gun wielding lions and sharks with lasers on their heads. He doesn’t really know much about wildlife but he does remember seeing a show on TV where someone petted a lion and swam with sharks. That person lived so he figures you’ll also live despite how different the situation is.

You approach the deadly door and ask is it safe to go through? He says yes so you open the door whereupon you are promptly chomped, shot, lasered and burnt to death.

Here’s an important question: in which scenario are you less dead?

That’s a trick question – you’re dead either way. Both the malicious person and the ignorant person kill you. This is why it shits me when people use ignorance as a justification for really negative and destructive behaviour. There are people who’ll make excuses for even truly evil behaviour but it’s far more common for people to want to let people off the hook because of ignorance.

“Oh, when they dressed up in blackface they had no idea it would be considered racist by some people so that means the act itself wasn’t racist.” Ignorance is no excuse. If you’re too fucking stupid to know that an act with a long history of racism is not acceptable then maybe you should just shut the fuck up when you’re being told rather than wearing your ignorance as a badge of honour!

“Why not let those people teach their religious beliefs in a science class?” Because it isn’t fucking science! The fact that someone is too stupid to know their beliefs are completely ridiculous in a scientific context doesn’t mean they should be humoured and given equal time – they should shut the fuck up!

“Don’t be so harsh on those global warming deniers, they genuinely believe that the science doesn’t support the idea that human activity is causing global warming.” FUCK THEM! Opinion is not the same thing as evidence. The fact that their ignorance has let them be led by ideology rather than evidence means they are fucking dangerous. The fact that they are really, really loud doesn’t make them less wrong! Their ignorance risks economic, ecological and human disaster on a global scale. Granting the braying ignorant masses an “equal voice” with established scientific evidence because of the weight of their opinion is not only illogical, it runs the risk of being suicidal.

So the next time someone wants me to indulge the ignorance of idiots I’m going to throw them into a burning room full of implausibly dangerous animals and see how they like it.

Knowledge vs Data

2010-03-21T19:09:00.001+11:00

I’ve just had an epiphany. I was rolling around a few ideas in my head about the nature of learning and thinking when a few puzzle pieces clicked together for me. A disclaimer up front, I’m not claiming these are totally original thoughts that have never been articulated before by other people (although, if that turns out to be the case, hello PhD thesis!) I have not read or heard this exact thing expressed elsewhere which compelled me to write these thoughts down and share them.

Being a science fiction buff I enjoy the speculative and predictive nature of SF stories although I’m very sceptical of many (if any) writers being directly accurate in their predictions. To be fair, the open secret about SF is the best writers aren’t writing thematically about the future, they are writing about now. They use the future and/or alien worlds to frame their ideas but what they are really concerned with is the technology, issues ideas and actions of today and what paths they might lead us down.

So the focus on prediction is far more a shortcoming of readers than writers but it’s something everyone is guilty of at some point.

One of the favourite wet dreams of SF nerds is the idea of downloaded knowledge a la The Matrix and dozens of other stories. I’ve always had a gut feel this one was bullshit simply because of how long so many people have been fixated on it. I’m not really a contrarian by nature, this is more an analysis of the track record of SF predictions than saying “everyone says it so it must be wrong.”

Big and specific predictions (like personal jet packs) tend to be wrong and I’ve been convinced for a while that downloadable or implantable knowledge is simply not going to happen. It comes down to the difference between data and knowledge. Computers can hold and process vast amounts of data but can’t actually come up with ideas of their own (“not yet” is the breathless whisper from the Singularity geeks who squirt a little in their pants as they get worked up yet again over their fantasy of the rapture of the nerds). I’ll go further, the fact that a person has access to Wikipedia (or any encyclopaedia) doesn’t make them smart. In fact, let’s go even further, anyone who copies and pastes slabs of text from Wikipedia because that “proves their point” is a fucking moron.

But someone who reads, researches, analyses, proposes new ideas and just thinks dammit! That is a person who can get away with calling themselves smart.

And that’s why I think implanted/downloaded knowledge can’t work. It’s mixing up data with knowledge. The most likely outcome would be the scenario in Aldous Huxley’s “Brave New World” where kids have information forced into their brains but they can’t use it. When they hear a trigger word they can repeat the relevant data but it still doesn’t mean anything to them.

A kid is asked about the Nile River and automatically repeats “The Nile is the longest river in the world...” Then the kid is asked what is the longest river in the world and can’t answer. He’s prompted “What about the Nile?” He reflexively repeats “The Nile is the longest river in the world...” then he’s prompted, “So what’s the longest river in the world?” and he still can’t answer.

Now, a smart person can benefit from having fast access to data but even a genius doesn’t learn anything useful from it instantly. And quite honestly, a stupid person with data is still stupid. In fact, they’re probably worse now because they’re drowning in a tsunami of data but they have no idea what to do with it. They have no way of knowing what bits of the data are most valuable and they are incapable of applying it effectively. But that won’t stop them from being a pundit on Fox News.

I have offended "the gays"

2010-03-17T20:23:00.000+11:00

I have gone through a huge number of permutations of this since seeing some of the reactions to my video last Friday. For those wondering what they’ve missed with those could have been responses, they were essentially variations of “go fuck yourself”. That’s still my central message, it’s really only the tone of delivery that’s changed.

For those who don’t know, my TFU Friday video was 7.30 minutes long and featured me being angry about, among other things, political and moral hypocrisy resulting in the oppression of gay rights – by closeted gays. But the real fireworks came from the fact I used the phrase “Being gay is a choice.” To some people, this is apparently as bad as setting babies on fire.

And then I compounded my sin by not immediately capitulating to some people’s outrage and begging forgiveness. They appeared surprised when I did not react favourable to being told what I can and can’t say. Guess what? When nazis tell me what I can and can’t say I tell them to go fuck themselves. I say the same thing to christians, muslims, atheists, teabaggers, gun nuts, conspiracy theorists and general haters. Go fuck yourself. And some people think the fact they are gay gives them special dispensation to dictate terms to me? See if you can guess what my reaction to that attitude is. I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “go fuck yourself”. I’m an equal opportunity abuser.

If you still can’t tell why these responses pissed me off let me explain. This outrage was generated over three seconds out of a 7&1/2 minute video and that 3 seconds wasn’t even the main point of the video which is why I didn’t put a lot of thought into what interpretation people could put on it if they took it out of context. It isn’t even that they took three seconds out of context in such a long video – a very small number of people have chosen to pass judgement on me based on three seconds despite everything I’ve done here over the years.

If you want me to have any respect for you when you pass judgement on me you had fucking well better put that judgement in the context of every video I’ve made, not three seconds out of one video. Actually, that would take days to watch all of them so that might not be the most practical proposal. Maybe just limit it to watching the video where I talked about bigotry generally and gay rights specifically. I haven’t added those up but that should only take you a couple of hours.

That’s right – that’s how much effort I’ve put into addressing bigotry. What have you done you fucking whiners?

But seeing as so many people do apparently want to know if I think being gay is a choice I will address that directly. To make it clear: my sum total of knowing what it means to be gay is I’m not gay. I wouldn’t waste time trying to make an all encompassing statement about being gay – I doubt anyone can do that but I certainly can’t and that wasn’t remotely what saying “being gay is a choice” was meant to mean.

Having said that, a lot of the outraged comments had a distinct “I am the only gay in the village” tone. It was hard to escape the feeling that a lot of people think they can unequivocally speak for the experience of all gay people everywhere. Kind of a big call. Hell, in the straight world I see a lot of conflict all the time about what constitutes sexuality and sexual identity – I had no idea things were so clearly defined in the gay world.

One person even went so far as to say sexuality overall was not a choice. All I could think was that their sexuality was very boring if it didn’t involve choices. Or maybe very weird. I make choices all the time: this person/that person, yes/no, this position/that position, do I need batteries, should I go with leather restraints or nylon rope? All sorts of choices.

Also, while I am not one of “the gays” I am one of “the olds”. I know this is the intarwebz and I’m dealing with people who have such a short attention span they don’t remember anything that happened more than 5 seconds ago but I do actually remember when the queer politics orthodoxy was very different, in the olden days. You know, the 80s.

I went to college that had a campus with a very strong Marxist/Leninist/feminist dialectic going on. And back in the day the party line was that being gay was most definitely a choice. The say gays had no choice in the matter was to suggest weakness and even said to be equating homosexuality with base animal urges that needed to be controlled. If you said being gay was genetic you left yourself open to what was essentially eugenics arguments: this “gay gene” was defective and should be treated like any other genetic disorder.

There were seriously even people saying this gay gene should be identified so pregnant women could be tested and defective gay foetuses could be identified in utero and aborted. So careful what you wish for.

Personally, I don’t think homosexuality needs a defence. If you’re gay it’s who you are, regardless of how you arrived there. But if you think you do need a defence to use against social conservatives who declare homosexuality to be somehow “wrong” and you think you have a bulletproof defence with the genetic response, sorry to disappoint you but it ain’t gonna work. Objections to homosexual sex aren’t really about whether or not it’s “natural” (whatever that means), they’re more about “ewww that’s icky.” And no matter what you come up with, the conservatives are still going to think same sex hanky panky is icky.

So yeah, if I had any inkling of how fucking stupidly some people were going to react I might have said “Being gay isn’t an issue, if that’s who you are that’s who you are. But being a lying, hypocritical coward who actively ruins the lives of people who aren’t as privileged makes you a worthless piece of shit.”

And if that isn’t good enough for you, I really don’t give a fuck about you.

TFU Files - lying gay conservatives

2010-03-11T22:29:00.000+11:00

One of my favourite topics earned a guernsey for this week's TFU Friday - anti-gay conservatives who are actually gay. Roy Ashburn isn't as spectacular as Ted Haggard (using church money to buy crack cocaine and gay escorts) or as funny as Larry Craig (I have a "wide stance") but he's one of the boys now.

Here's a fun slideshow of anti-gay hypocrites through the years.

The other story that caught my eye was so fucked up it's almost sad. Fox News sued for the right to deliberately lie to the public - and they won. How do you even satirise an outfit that has stopped even pretending they have a soul?

1+1 DOES NOT =3

2010-03-09T21:24:00.000+11:00

A few thoughts on facts, lies, disagreement, argument and controversy.

I’ll start with a self-evident fact. 1+1=2. There’s no shades of grey there, it’s a simple, irrefutable mathematical fact that 1+1=2. Now imagine someone comes along and wants to propose that 1+1 in fact =4. I don’t know why they want to assert something so ridiculous. Maybe a magic bloke in the sky told them. Or maybe they have a book that they declare is the divine word of this magic bloke in the sky despite the fact it’s nothing more than a bunch of fairy stories invented centuries ago to scare illiterate goat herders into behaving themselves.

Whatever. They’re being very loud about their belief that 1+1=4. No amount of evidence will sway them. The fact that every credible mathematician in the world tells them that, no, your point of view isn’t valid, 1+1 is definitely 2 doesn’t even slow them down. They trot out someone they call a “creation mathematician” who says that because the magic bloke in the sky created everything including numbers, whatever he says about numbers must be true, therefore 1+1=4.

The actual mathematicians spend a bit of time trying to think of the most polite way to say “Fuck off and leave us alone you deranged, inbred fuckwit”. In the meantime, some other people who believe in the magic bloke in the sky start to think the creation mathematicians are onto something. “I’ve never understood mathematics, I’ve failed every maths test I’ve taken in my life. I reckon it’s because the mathematicians are wrong. All that complicated thinking is just there to confuse us. I believe the magic bloke in the sky says 1+1=4.”

It never occurs to them that the reason they don’t understand mathematics is that they are really fucking stupid. Likewise, not understanding mathematics is a good indication you should leave it to the mathematicians rather than shouting that the simpler thing you’ve decided you believe in is more valid.

Soon, politicians start to latch onto creation mathematics. They’ve known for years that it’s easier to get ten morons to vote for them than it is to get one smart person on their side. They have all had expensive educations at the most prestigious universities in the country and they know creation mathematics is fucking insane. They also know how much the inbred yokels lap it up when they talk about being simple folk who believe in the same “down home” values.

So it starts to be put about that creation mathematics should be part of the school curriculum. Because so many uninformed morons believe it, it should be taught alongside mathematical principles that have been proven by the greatest thinkers in history. Because the blatherings of clueless fuckwits have the same validity as the output of the finest minds known to humanity – what are you, an elitist or something?

Most maths teachers jack up at this saying “creation mathematics” isn’t mathematics and has no place in a classroom because it’s fucking voodoo. The weasel politicians say you should "teach the controversy" despite the fact the only controversy is the fact that morons whose outlook belongs more in the middle ages think they deserve to be taken seriously.

Then someone suggests a compromise, maybe we should follow the middle ground. Maybe neither "extreme" is right. This is bullshit for a couple of reasons. First, there's only one extreme here - the extreme stupidity in believing in superstitious rubbish like creation mathematics over science. Second, the two viewpoints are not equally valid. The rantings of an ignorant fool who believes in a magic bloke in the sky simply don't belong in the same place as the works of someone following rigorous scientific and/or academic process.

In short, a compromise would be saying 1+1=3 and that simply isn't right. There are times when compromise is a good thing (in fact, this is probably the case most of the time) but sometimes it is simply not a legitimate option. Sometimes one answer is absolutely right and one asnwer is absolutely wrong. 1+1 will never =3.

Obviously, nothing as stupid as this could happen in the real world, I was using this fictional example to illustrate a point. I'm a very reasonable person (despite some performances that may suggest otherwise). I know some people can't tell the difference between a performance and real life but trust me, in real life I'm likely to go out of my way to avoid offending someone. But I won't back away from a fight when some fucking moron wants to fly in the face of reality with their stupid ideology.

So don't expect me to "respect" someone who doesn't deserve any respect. Sometimes people are so ignorant, so duplicitous and so WRONG that contempt is all they deserve. And I have to admit, I enjoy dishing it out.

Australia bans small breasts

2010-01-29T19:58:00.001+11:00

A story getting quite a bit of mileage in Australia this week is the idea that the government has banned small breasts. What's actually happening is we have a law that states anything that describes or depicts a person who is, or appears to be, a child under 18 (whether the person is engaged in sexual activity or not) in a way that is likely to cause offence to a reasonable adult is Refused Classification (i.e. banned).

It seems that enforcement has been stepped up recently with a lot of "barely legal" type of publications being banned. One of the measures being used to determine if a model appears to be underage is small breast size, hence the tagline being thrown around - Australia is banning small breasts. While I agree with everyone who says this law is stupid (prosecuting someone because someone thinks it looks like they're breaking the law, even though they're not? Really??) I wish people protesting would be a bit more honest.

The porn in question is designed to appeal to creepy types who fetishise young girls. If you can't admit that you're simply avoiding the truth because you think it undermines your position. And I don't have any time for that sort of cowardice and double talk. Having said that, the law is fucking stupid. I have no time for people who want to legislate morality - it never works.

Sadly, it doesn't seem to stop governments trying.

Still, on the bright side, it allows me to make a blog post using such search engine bait as breasts, underage girls, porn, hentai and barely legal. Not that I'm cynical or anything like that.

Seeing the other side

2009-12-04T22:58:00.000+11:00

I think one of the most difficult psychological tasks to achieve is to recognise, and I mean truly recognise, that someone whose views differ fundamentally from yours is entitled to maintain those views. I don’t mean in the abstract “I disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it” sense. I mean seriously accepting that this other person is a product of a different environment, different experiences, a different life and these views areright for them.

This is a difficult concept to get across to a lot of people because people have a tendency to argue and fight. Acceptance, which logically seems easier than fighting, is much harder to achieve in practice. I’m not suggesting any kind of post modern “there is no universal truth” abstract reasoning. I’m not suggesting a weak, wishy-washy failure to commit to your own beliefs. I mean understanding that even though you are fully committed to your own beliefs and you are sure this person wrong, they have a right to their views and trying to force them to change is ridiculous.

There are a range of obvious exceptions to this, like serious criminal activity. But there are a lot of unjust laws and views over what is acceptable change over time so even this isn’t as cut and dried as authoritarian minded people would have you believe.

One thing that gets lost in a lot of political argument is the simple fact people are different. People give this lip service all the time but it is bizarrely rare for people to fully acknowledge what this reality means. Whatever your views are, however logical or moral you think they are, there will always be people who disagree with you. If you are a decision maker, you can never make everyone happy. No matter what decision you make it will always be wrong in every real sense for someone. Your decisions will always hurt someone. This isn’t a plea for politicians to water down everything they do in an attempt to please everybody. Personally, I hate it when politicians are afraid to commit. Plus, it’s pointless because nothing appeals to everybody.

Let’s get the disclosure out of the way. By most people’s measurement I’m a loony lefty although I’ve never been a formal member of any political party or group. This is simply because I recognised long ago that no matter what political party you join, the leadership of that party will make at least some decisions you strongly disagree with and you will be subject to massive pressure to toe the party line and go along with the orthodoxy. Fuck that shit. I am not inclined to subsume my individuality to keep some political party happy. And no, I’m not a libertarian. No matter how many libertarian principles I agree with there are way too many bugfuck crazy freaks who call themselves libertarian. I’m pro-environment, pro-choice regarding abortion, pro gay rights, anti-racist, anti-bigot, anti-censorship and I have disagreed with the policies and actions of right wing political parties around the world for as long as I can remember.

So that’s a very brief overview of “me” politically. Back to the bigger picture.

The problem I have observed from the Left is a sometimes obsessive need to do things “for other people’s good” whether they want it or not. This is as opposed to the problem I see on the Right of aggressively acting out a “this is right dammit” ideology and attempting to force diverse groups to conform to their views no matter what. I think it’s fair to say people on the Left are more likely to want to change an existing situation to the way they feel things “should be” without having any actual evidence and people on the Right are more likely to say they don’t want to change things without seeing an objective (usually economic) measurement of how it will improve things.

I’ve made it very clear where I sit ideologically but I think it’s still important to recognise that there are people on both sides of the political fence who are completely honest in their intentions. They pursue their ideology because they wholeheartedly believe it will benefit the most people and their opponent’s policies will hurt people. Having said that, I am far more likely to believe in the integrity of a left wing politician and support their policies. And that’s gotten me burned more than once.

I frequently attack conservatives because so often they make it staggeringly easy. I truly believe the things I say when I launch these attacks plus it’s a lot of fun baiting your opponents. However, doing only this would be lazy and I’d run a very big risk of getting complacent about the stupidity on the left. And people I essentially agree with are perfectly capable of being ignorant, obnoxious, narrow minded and straight out wrong. I guess I am too. Although I can’t think of any examples where I’ve been wrong right now.

One case of people on the left being obnoxiously arrogant and wrong is a book published a few years ago called “What’s the matter with Kansas?”. The basic theme in this book is echoed by left wing people around the world – why do working class and poor people vote for conservative politicians when the policies of conservative parties reward big business and hurt individual workers? It’s interesting to me that people looking at this situation seems to be saying “I represent this person’s best interests and yet this person votes against me. The problem is obviously with the voter.”

Does it not occur to them that this person they claim to be able to help is voting against them because they have fundamentally failed this voter? Why are people so quick to see a failing in someone else and not themselves? How dare they say this person’s moral judgements are wrong or have no value?

Even on a purely logical level this makes no sense. George Soros is a billionaire who actively supports left wing causes. By the logic employed in “What’s the matter with Kansas?” Soros is acting against his own interests. Do people on the left call him stupid for doing this? No. Because he’s on their side. So obviously he’s enlightened.

One premise from the book I do agree with is that Republican party is lying to these poorer voters. They don’t deliver on the “moral” issues they woo them with and, more often than not, they screw them over economically. I also think there is overwhelming evidence that these are deliberate lies, not a simple failure to deliver. I’m sure many people could point to what they consider deliberate lies from the other side of politics around the world – that’s the way politicians are. I will stress that I’m talking her about deliberate lies like Republicans saying Saddam Hussein was linked to 9/11, not simple disagreements over whether or not a given policy is good.

This is a really complex issue. I’m writing this because I plan to explore the idea over a few videos for YouTube. Because I don’t see things as being black and white there are a million little qualifiers about almost every point I’ve made in this post. It isn’t possible to cover all the nuances in one blog post or one video. And it definitely isn’t possible to sort them out in comments. Not here and definitely not in the insane morass of fuckwittery that is a YouTube comment thread. I have far too much experience with ignorant morons who think they know it all sniping away in comments. They never shut up and there is no value at all in “engaging” with them because they aren’t engaged with you in any meaningful way, they are simply attacking you.

So don’t waste time with stupid comments in response to this, I won’t waste any time with you. Fuck off and get a life. Better yet, if you’re so convinced you’re right and I’m wrong go off on your own forum and explain yourself in at least as much depth as I have here. Otherwise I have nothing but contempt for you.

For those of you who have a brain and are actually interested in thinking, I will be exploring this topic further.

The future of being awesome

2009-12-04T22:57:00.000+11:00

Inspiration is a wonderful thing. I’m not the most touchy-feely guy on the planet (surprised?) but I do look for things to inspire me to do better. I particularly like finding something that is aimed at a particular target group that is definitely not me but it still resonates with me. When someone is able to cross boundaries like that, it leads me to think they may be onto something.

I found this sort of inspiration recently when catching up with a blog I read semi-regularly – Joel on Software. Joel Spolsky runs a software development company and his primary audience is software developers but his writing is frequently applicable to a wider audience. It isn’t a huge surprise that the piece that gave me my inspiration was Joel talking about his own inspiration for the future.

He was quoting Kathy Sierra’s advice to help your users be awesome. Joel translated this into nerd-speak as: “We help $TYPE_OF_PERSON be awesome at $THING”. In his world, that becomes making software developers be awesome at making software. I’m not involved in a software development company but I am involved in a very interesting project and I realised this motto was directly applicable to our plans.

Some very clever and experienced (not to mention downright sexy) people I know are about to launch a major initiative for comedians in Melbourne and I am helping (mainly with the online component and video production). When I read the Joel On Software post I instantly realised his aims for software development were our aims for comedy. We will help comedian be awesome at doing comedy.

The others running this project have very long history in the Australian comedy industry as working comics as well as directing comedians and running venues. I’m more of an enthusiastic amateur which is why they are running things and I am helping. So if you’re a working comedian in Melbourne (or even an aspiring comedian) you might want to stay tuned. And sorry if you’re somewhere else but this will be relevant to Melbourne only. The type of intensive work we’re talking about doesn’t work over long distance, it has to be face to face.

One of the big reasons for this project is that the comedy “industry” in Australia sucks. It sucks balls. Not good balls. Nasty, sweaty dog’s balls. Even in Melbourne, which fancies itself as being arty and cultural, it’s a constant struggle for comedians. There’s the Comedy Festival and the Fringe Festival but unless you’re already an established star it’s pretty much impossible to make a living from them. The rest of the year there are only one to three venues that actually pay performers. In other words: it’s shit.

Seriously, my meagre earnings from the YouTube partnership put me ahead of (conservatively) 90% of people who consider themselves working comics in Melbourne. So a big part of making life awesome for comics will be to open up more opportunities to actually make a living from performing. But the backbone will be creating an environment that gives comedians both the training and the opportunity to be awesome.

There are far too many people who are creative, talented and working damn hard but still not getting anywhere or being rewarded as they deserve. And I’m one of them, dammit! This is what’s so exciting about this project – it’s about taking control and actually creating our own success. 2010 is going to be a big year for comedy in Melbourne and for me personally. I’ll be posting more updates as the plans become reality. Like all things to do with comedy, it’s all about the timing.

WAINGAFAT Wednesday poll

2009-11-17T21:09:00.000+11:00

OK, so I'm reaching out to the internet for help again. I've recently started a new regular segment on my YouTube channel called WAINGAFAT Wednesday. It's on Wednesdays. The acronym stands for Who Am I Not Giving A Fuck About Today?

I was excited when the awesome Blordough AKA Shaun McGlinn volunteered to do me some theme music (he already did the heavy metal Angry Aussie theme I use for my TFU Friday videos). After he did the them I thought I needed some visuals for the opening as well and I've come up with a few possibilities.

There's option number one:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcCENx1SSZs]

Option number two:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc_4SsUQ3y8]

Option number three:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ExdgX4TYKHs]

In case you can't tell, number two is a slightly sped up version of number three. So let me know, which one do you think works best?

[polldaddy poll=2265137]

Shark punching for fun and profit

2009-11-12T19:08:00.000+11:00

It seems summer is early in Australia. The southern states are getting a heatwave at the start of November - something we don't usually see until January. And the sharks are active.

Shark patrols have started early because the shark attacks have already started. A spear fisherman from Adelaide is currently recovering in hospital from injuries he sustained in a shark attack. You might say he was lucky his injuries weren't worse. You'd be wrong.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

You see, when 25 year old Dean Brougham was attacked by a shark, he didn't rely on luck to escape. He punched the motherfucker until it let him go. That's right, in Australia, that's how we roll. We punch sharks. Little kids are taught it at school. Right after finger painting we do shark punching.

We don't have surfers in Australia either, that's just what we tell the rest of the world so the tourists aren't scared off. Mark Occilupo, Layne Beachley, Mick Fanning... they aren't world champion surfers. They are world champion shark punchers. They're only out in the surf to punch sharks. They end up surfing because the waves get in the way.

Speaking of shark attacks, check out this photo of a 3 metre long (10 foot) shark caught off Queensland.

Now a 3m shark would be scary enough but LOOK AT THE MOTHERFUCKING BITES TAKEN OUT OF THAT MOTHERFUCKING SHARK! From the size of the bites, another shark around double the size of this one has nearly ripped it in half! So that's a real shark about the size of the fictional shark in the movie "Jaws". And it's fucking with us.

There's some 6m shark off the coast of Queensland thinking, "You know, before I start chomping on swimmers, I think I will freak them right the fuck out by sending them a little message..."

THAT is the sort of wildlife we have to deal with in Australia. The only thing saving us from being ripped in half by massive Great White killer sharks is BIGGER Great Whites that rip them in half first.

Lucky we're a nation of shark punchers.

And the winner is...

2009-11-11T21:52:00.000+11:00

Well, there was a clear winner in the polling for which tie to get - and it arrived! I thought I'd make a video while wearing it to celebrate.

Behold, the Angry Tie!

2009-10-20T15:58:00.002+11:00

I’ve become slightly obsessed with designing items on the Zazzle website recently. Like most people who have decided to pursue the idea of selling merchandise online, I experimented with CafePress first. The site isn’t very flexible (unless you pay them) and a lot of people give them bad reviews for the quality of their products. To tell the truth, I have no objective evidence to support the bad word of mouth but it influenced me anyway.
After some advice from a friend I tried Australian-based RedBubble (and even ordered a few shirts I designed for myself). RedBubble do very high quality screen printing but they are a little expensive (not surprising given the quality).
Then, after another recommendation, I tried Zazzle. This site is much more flexible than CafePress and offers some cheap options. As an experiment, I ordered their cheapest t-shirt option (reasoning that it would be the most likely to be a dodgy product) and I was quite impressed with the quality.
Doing the t-shirts has always been a “just in case anybody wants one” thing rather than some master plan to get fabulously wealthy. Who knows, I might become an overnight media sensation and it would be nice to be ready to cash in on that.
More recently I had the idea of cashing in on the fact that so many people say they like the t-shirts I wear in videos and ask where they can get one. It isn’t as though the slogans are particularly original. Even though I buy most of them from shops I see the same (or similar) slogans replicated time after time in online shops. So why not do the same?
So I’m going to experiment with doing a version of each t-shirt I wear in a video with a link to buy it and see if that proves popular.
It was while working on this that I became intrigued with some of the more diverse offerings in Zazzle’s range and started playing with some designs. I did what I thought was a very ugly design on a shoe just because I could. A few people on Twitter said they liked it but I didn’t save it because the shoes are fairly expensive ($60 and up). I may go back and do another shoe design for fun but I can’t imagine anyone buying them.
Then I got into ties. In my day job I am known for sporting quite a variety of fairly flamboyant ties. Many people assume this is because I like ties. They are wrong. I FUCKING HATE TIES. But I like cartoon-y ties more than I like boring design ties. Seeing as Zazzle gives you a free hand with the design, and my YouTube friend DrakeMagnum has done a series of awesome designs for me I thought, why not go to town.
Which brings me to the whole point of this blog post. I’d like you to vote for your favourite from the following designs and then I will buy the winner and actually wear it to work. You’ll have to take my word for that (unless you happen to work with me) but I will model the tie when it arrives.
The first one is from the Shepherd Fairy inspired “ANGRY” design. I like the way this one abstracted when the strip of tie material shows only a fragment of the design.
This second one has tiles of the AA mask design with a prominent central image.
The third one is tiled again but with a much larger tiled image.
Vote using the buttons. My sartorial future is in your hands.

It's funny - you just don't get it

2009-10-14T11:54:00.001+11:00

The thing about comedy is it’s completely subjective. What’s funny to me may not be funny to you. What’s acceptable to me might not be acceptable to you. And vice versa. It’s pretty much pointless arguing these issues with someone who disagrees because it’s opinion, not objective fact. So if you disagree with my opinion, clearly you’re wrong and I’m right but I’m not going to waste time arguing opinions.
You’re free to disagree but I won’t engage with anyone who wants to argue via comments because it’s pointless. It’s pointless because it’s the wrong medium for a discussion, I don’t have the time to keep replying to people who just go on and on and on and can’t just make their point and be done with. These people who simply will not shut the fuck up. And they have no real interest in discussion they just want to grind people down by droning on and on and on because they think getting the last word is equivalent to winning and they will not shut the fuck up, why won’t they shut the fuck up? If there really was a god he would strike these fuckers down with lightning that’s what I want to happen I want them dead I want them to die painfully and horribly that is not a figure of speech I want them to DIE like something out of Happy Tree Friends, I want them to slip in their own drool and smash their face into their keyboard so hard the keys pop out and burst their eyeballs and the keys get driven right into their brain AND THEY DIE!
OK, that went off track. A little. The point is, I’m used to people who don’t want to debate, they just want to be shouting the loudest. I refuse to waste time with these people. You want to say your piece then say it and move on. Don’t expect any tolerance from me if you won’t shut the fuck up. In fact, if you want to engage with me you have to put in as much effort as me. If you think you’re right and I’m wrong you have to make a video going into at least as much depth as I do or I DON’T FUCKING CARE!
So... the theory of comedy. There are many forms of comedy. My favourite form is satire of the type that dates back to the European Medieval tradition of the fool or the court jester. The fool was the stupidest person, the lowest rank so he could say anything without fear of retribution. The job of the jester is to entertain but what the jester can do that nobody else can do is speak truth to power. He can point out the king is an idiot because what harm is there is someone so low insulting someone so high? You could argue that the idea of playing dumb to expose someone who thinks they are smarter goes back further. For instance, Sascha Baron Cohen is basically using Platonic Irony (oh yes, I’m bringing up Plato and ancient Greek philosophy), particularly with characters like Ali G and Borat, to get people to expose their inconsistencies and prejudices. But I prefer the tradition of the fool that you often see in Shakespeare plays.
You see that? I’m a fucking intellectual. Don’t fuck with me.
Essentially, this sort of satire is making fun of things. Rather than making up jokes, the satirist is looking at people, or things, or situations, or social conventions and saying “OK, here’s what I think is stupid about that.” Now you might have noticed I’m not into playing it safe. I like to push people’s buttons. I don’t think there’s any topic that is off limits if you’re funny enough. For me, funny enough means having enough skill as a comedian, actually having a point to what you’re doing and hitting a target that deserves to be hit.
This is why the tradition of the fool is meaningful because to me the difference between being funny and being a prick is who’s telling the joke and who’s the target? The little guy gets away with ripping on the big guy because that’s all the little guy has and how does it really hurt the big guy? At the end of the day, the fool is still a fool and the king is still a king. But when the one in power is making jokes at the expense of someone weaker than them, that’s being a prick.
This is why I’m stunned by white people who will say things like a black person doing white face is the same as a white person doing black face. Do you not see the power imbalance there? Do you not get the difference between implicitly saying “stay in your place darkie” and trying to challenge the power structure? And do you not get that ignorance of a long history of racism that you’ve never been on the receiving end of is not a fucking excuse?
Another reason I feel it’s important to think about these sorts of things is for personal integrity. First, I think it simply makes this sort of joke funnier if you’ve put some thought into it. Second, not everyone’s going to agree with you, not everyone’s going to get it. If you’re comfortable in yourself with what you’re doing then it isn’t going to matter as much when people attack you (and people will, inevitably, attack you.) Let’s be honest, saying “aw, c’mon, it’s a fucking joke, lighten up” is a pretty fucking lame defence.
I’ve been called everything from a soft, uptight PC liberal to a white supremacist. In the last week. About the same video. I know stupid. I deal with stupid every day. The secret to not giving a fuck about stupid people is having enough integrity in what you’re doing that stupid people don’t matter. People are always going to find different things funny and be offended by different things but if you’re telling someone they don’t get it and the truth is you’re being an ignorant prick, the real truth is, you’re the one who doesn’t get it.

Daz addresses Hey Hey it's blackface Saturday

2009-10-12T12:25:00.001+11:00

So what I want to talk to you about today is why the blackface sketch on Hey Hey it’s Saturday wasn’t racist. First, with so many white people saying it isn’t racist to black people, I don’t know how there could be any doubt. It’s as if people are suggesting there’s some sort of history of white people saying they know what’s best for black fellahs while they’re actually fucking them over. That just doesn’t make sense.
If people were hypocrites like that you’d see plenty of cases. Like all those conservative religious leaders and political types with their anti-gay, pro-morality talk. If they were hypocrites you’d see heaps of cases where they were caught having anonymous gay sex in public toilets, or using church money to pay for male prostitutes and crack cocaine in hotel rooms, or having sex with underage kiddies. That’s crazy talk.
So the way I see it, we’ve got one group of people who say you’re not being racist against black people unless you’re wearing a Klan hood and burning a cross and another group you’re still being racist if you do something that’s obnoxiously offensive even if you’re too fucking ignorant to know how racist it is.
All I’ve got to say to people who reckon you can be racist through ignorance is: are you shitting me? That’s a big fucking call. You actually want people to think? You want people to consider someone who exists outside their tiny little self centred bubble of awareness? Good luck with that.
Have you seen how people are? It’s like they’re living in this tiny little bubble and nothing exists outside the bubble. If something comes close enough to them that it gets inside the bubble they might see it for that one moment. But only if it’s right in front of them. And then it’s only for as long as it stays there. As soon as it’s outside the bubble again they’ve forgotten it ever existed.
But I guess if you put it right in front of someone and said whether you know it or not, blackface has a long history of being racist mockery of black people, it’s offensive to black people and doing it in ignorance doesn’t mean it isn’t racist, it means you’re ignorant – I guess that would make them see what’s wrong with blackface, yeah? Unless it doesn’t.
To be fair, I think if someone says over and over and over again that they aren’t racist that proves they aren’t racist, no matter what their actions are. What sort of crazy world would it be if people were judged by what they actually did rather than what they said they did? I’ve seen enough politicians and loudmouths on TV to know this is how it works. And what’s wrong with that, I say.
It’s as if some people are saying that shitting all over someone who’s in a weaker position than you is a bad thing. So long as you say you’re not being offensive while you’re fucking them over and humiliating them, how can you be doing anything wrong? And if you can get one non-white person to agree then that proves you aren’t being racist.
But it’s important to use the racial rule the right way. You see, one black person saying that black face isn’t racist means it definitely isn’t racist. And I’ve seen heaps of anonymous people online who swear their best friend is black and they said blackface definitely isn’t racist. How could you possibly need more proof than an unverifiable comment made anonymously on the internet?
But if a million black people say black face is racist then they just need to get over it. If a million white people say black face is racist they just don’t get the joke. Or, to avoid confusion, if white people say they aren’t racist then they aren’t racist, no matter what’s going on.
Look, I know this is a confusing topic so Uncle Daz will make it simple for you. If you’re confused on the topic of race relations, don’t ask someone on the receiving end because they’ll be upset and they won’t be thinking clearly. Ask the nice, objective white person who says it isn’t racist because they’re balanced enough to see the big picture. Don’t listen to white people who say it is racist because they’re just being PC and they need to lighten up a bit. But if you can find one non-white person who says the white people aren’t being racist then definitely listen to them no matter how many non-white people tell you you’re racist as fuck.
I hope that’s cleared things up.

STFU - The Musical

2009-10-06T14:33:00.001+11:00

Having spent time helping in the show “Robot vs World” at the Melbourne Fringe Festival, I feel inspired to develop my own show. The biggest thing I want to do is write a show, possibly for someone else to perform but obviously I have more than enough ego to perform myself. While a solo show is less hassle in lots of ways, the idea of writing for an ensemble cast and possibly directing the show too is appealing.
I think I’ve hit on a winning idea – STFU The Musical. Well, maybe not a musical. If you’d ever heard me sing you’d know why that was a bad idea. Also, I’m completely unmusical. So a musical is a pretty bad idea. I felt like adding “the musical” because there have been so many bizarre topics for musicals in recent years; Keating the musical, Shane Warne the musical, Beaconsfield the musical. So maybe I’ll go with STFU the stage show.
For a while I’ve thought a narrative about my experiences online was the obvious way to go and STFU gives me and idea of how to structure it. It starts with my entry onto YouTube, continues to how it took about 5 minutes for the first hater to show up and then tracks my adventures. STFU summarises what I’ve learned about interacting with idiots.
Internet wisdom about dealing with trouble makers comes in a few flavours: Don’t feed the trolls. Wrestling in the mud with a pig is pointless – no matter what the outcome you both end up covered in mud and the pig enjoys it. Arguing on the internet is like competing in the special Olympics – even if you win, you’re still retarded. But my own favoured method of dealing with the endless stream of morons online is STFU!
There are a couple of varieties of online moron. The common troll or griefer really is best ignored. For this type, the act of pissing someone off is an end in itself. They don’t actually have a point (no matter how much they claim to). For a troll, the more innocent their target, the more “fun” it is to cause grief. This is the sort of loser who posts rape porn to a forum dedicated to knitting and thinks they are being funny. Any engagement and even public denouncing of a troll is worse than pointless, it is giving them the attention they crave. Block them from commenting, delete their posts and move on.
The ones who cause a lot of trouble for a lot of people are the ones who seem to be making a structured argument and demand their right to be heard. These braying morons very quickly leap to declaring that their free speech “rights” have been breached if anyone tries to get rid of them. This makes a lot of people uncomfortable because they don’t want to be seen to be stifling free speech. Feeling this way is a mistake because this isn’t a free speech issue – the people making this claim are no better than trolls, all they are doing is framing their approach slightly differently.
To limit the explanation to YouTube: it might be a free speech issue if you were trying to shut down someone’s ability to post videos of their own but blocking someone’s access to your channel isn’t limiting their ability to express themselves at all. It’s just telling them to get the fuck out of your face. We all have the right to live our lives without fuckwits screaming their bullshit in our faces. That’s why houses have doors.
An equally important point is these idiots are not interested in having a discussion or debate. That’s what they scream over and over but it’s a simple lie. Maybe they’re even lying to themselves. All they want to do is browbeat everyone else with their views and they have zero interest in having a reasoned debate. In short, they will not stop. The YouTube comment system is an appallingly inadequate medium in which to conduct a debate even with someone who’s being reasonable. It’s nothing short of agonising to try and deal with a screaming fuckwit one disjointed comment at a time.
And it’s pointless. Not only is this the wrong medium in which to try and change someone’s mind, these people refuse to change their mind no matter how clearly you demonstrate they are wrong. I’m not simply talking about opinion here, you can present these people with an overwhelming body of scientific or objective evidence that disproves their insane theory and that will make them dig in harder. So don’t waste time with them. And literally any time spent with these morons is wasted. You gain nothing from subjecting yourself to the ravings of a zealot and they certainly aren’t listening to you.
Now, anyone who’s been paying attention will know I’m in favour of ranting. I don’t have a problem with people who disagree with me, I’ll even actively encourage them to do their own rants. In their own space. Hell, they can even rant about me if they want. But I don’t need them in my channel. I have zero interest in providing a platform for fuckwits like this. If they want attention they can fuck off and earn it on their own. I won’t waste time having endless arguments in comments with these idiots but I do enjoy telling them what I think of them.
This is where my preferred method of STFU comes in. The STFU videos target various types who exhibit this behaviour. They obsess over a given topic and simply will not shut up about it. They might be racists, religious zealots, atheist zealots, global warming deniers, 9/11 truthers or any of the rainbow of crazy that makes up conspiracy theorists. But the one thing they have in common is they live to harass anyone who dares to not share their delusion.
So I let them know I’m onto them. I know their game. I can see through the lie that they want to “debate”. And I’m calling the weaselly little fuckers out. They want to foam at the mouth about their paranoid delusions? I don’t fucking care. They aren’t going to listen to any reasoned response I give them so they aren’t going to get one. All they’ll get from me is STFU. I refuse to “engage”. I refuse to be cowed by their bluster. All these drooling freaks deserve is STFU and that’s all they’ll get from me.
Some people say this is trolling but the simple difference is I don’t chase people. Ever. I post these in my own channel and if someone doesn’t like it they have the simple option of not watching. Mind you, I am very evil. I deliberately pick targets that I know are too obsessed to help themselves. I do find it hysterically funny that they are convinced they are being reasonable and if only the rest of the world were reasonable everyone would see things their way. And they really can’t cope when all you give them is a bald faced STFU!
They try everything. They whine that you’re not being fair. They criticise your intelligence. They say you have no arguments. And all the get from me is STFU. Because I know their poorly hidden secret. No amount of well thought out and cogently reasoned arguments will reach them. Any intelligence used is wasted on them. All they do is berate people and try to manipulate them. Taking that away from them is like shooting out their kneecaps. Only less messy. And slightly less satisfying.
So that’s my STFU philosophy that I think is going to form the basis of a live show. It’s almost 12 months until the next Fring Festival so I have a while to work out the details.

Don't have heroes

2009-09-27T21:04:00.000+10:00

I regularly get comments on my YouTube videos along the lines of "You're my hero" which is, of course, nice but also more than a little weird for me. I always assume people don't mean it literally, if they were put on the spot they'd admit they didn't really mean I was their hero - the wanted to be positive and supportive and that was an easy way to express it. I'm perfectly comfortable with someone liking what I do, agreeing with what I say or maybe how I say it. Even being inspired by what I do and wanting to somehow emulate it themselves.

But the term "hero" is dangerous if taken too far. If I could offer one piece of advice on the topic it would be "don't have heroes". Role models are great. Aspiring to match great achievements is awesome. But declaring someone to be your hero is very dangerous for one simple reason: heroes don't exist. They are fictional constructs.

People achieve great things. People can stun you with their ability to triumph over odds that seem impossible. People are capable of heroic acts - self sacrifice on a scale that takes your breath away. But people aren't heroes. People are people. They can't be heroes 24 hours a day and it's ridiculous to expect them to be that way.

The only possible outcome of holding someone up as a flawless hero is crushing disappointment when they fail to live up to that ideal. And they will fail. Everybody stumbles at some stage. Everyone has their bad points. Sometimes a person held up as a hero has truly horrible failings.

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time, the idea first occurred to me when a particular celebrity murdered his family and committed suicide. I remember being shocked when a friend said he was doubly upset by the news because he'd always regarded this guy as a hero. I was shocked because it seemed like a pretty sucky hero to have but it made me think about the idea of being failed by your heroes.

Let's leave the idea of anyone as shallow as celebrities or sports people being a worthwhile hero and look at people who have been called heroes because they did truly great things for other people, not for themselves.

Fred Hollows was an eye doctor who decided it was unacceptable that so many people in Australian aboriginal communities were being blinded by treatable conditions like trachoma. He dedicated his life to treating people who were being ignored by the world. He perfected a low cost, effective procedure and taught others to do it so it wasn't just that he saved the sight of thousands by himself, he set things up so that even after his death his Foundation continues this work around the world.

So what's not to like? He's a hero, right? No. He's a human. A human who did great things but still a flawed, mortal human being. I heard him interviewed once and he went on this bizarre rant saying that homosexuality should be outlawed because that's how AIDS was spread. He was by no means a stupid man but he was clearly homophobic and this bigotry caused a huge blind spot for him. (It wasn't until I wrote that line that I realised it would look like I was trying to make a joke. Insert your own "no surgery would heal his blindness" line here.)

Now of course some people would say he's even more of a hero for speaking out against what he saw as promiscuity and the evil of the "homosexual lobby" but those people are morons and I'm not talking to them.

I find his opinions in this area not only reprehensible but also, frankly, stupid and unsupportable. First, gay sex is not the only disease vector for AIDS, it isn't even the primary disease vector in a lot of the communities he was concerned with. Second, leaving aside the morality of wanting to dictate to people how they can live their lives, history shows you can't successfully legislate morality. It's an absolute waste of time that not only fails to change people's behaviour, it usually makes things worse by driving the activity underground which means less protection and often more risky behaviour.

Even with that, Fred Hollows did more good in an average day than most people do in their lifetime. As far as I'm concerned, his life's work means he's still worthy of respect and admiration. But he wasn't a hero. He did great things but he was a human being with all the flaws that involves.

For another example, let's look at Edward "Weary" Dunlop. He was a surgeon who served in the Australian army during World War 2. He ended up being captured by the Japanese and was one of the many soldiers who suffer the horrors of Changi prison camp and forced labout on the Thai-Burma railway.

If you don't know what happened in these places, it's worth reading a little background to understand what Dunlop lived through. The way the Japanese army treated prisoners of war (and civilians for that matter) was some of the most vile, disgusting acts in the history of humanity - far more prisoners died than survived.

As a doctor and an officer he was directly responsible for saving lives and easing the pain of countless other prisoners. He stood up to the brutality of the Japanese and inspired his men to keep going in a situation that would have crushed most people. It wouldn't be surprising to hear those whose lives he saved call him a hero but like anyone else, he was just a human being. A human who did incredible things and showed almost unbelievable bravery and strength of character. But still human.

After the war, he went back to work as a surgeon and continued to do great work. But apparently he was a bit of a prick as a boss. A real control freak and he didn't give a shit about anyone who had a problem with how he did things. But you know what? I'll give him that. After everything he did, he earned the right to be a grumpy old bugger. Because, like other humans, he had flaws.

There are a lot of people who do great things. It's great to have someone as an inspiration or role model to give us something to aim for. But always remember that even the greatest people are still people and they have flaws. Don't hold anyone up as a flawless hero because you'll end up seeing them fail somehow and end up disillusioned. And maybe don't be so hard on yourself about your own shortcomings because everybody has them. Outside of comic books, heroes don't exist.

And even those so-called "heroes" wear their underpants on the outside. What's all that about?

TFU Comix - Left 4 Dead 2 banned in Australia

2009-09-26T17:56:00.001+10:00

Thought I'd put the comic version of the previous post here for anyone who wanted it:

Left 4 Dead 2 Banned in Australia!

2009-09-26T00:37:00.000+10:00

Few things piss me off as much as censorship that treats adults as if they aren't grown up enough to make their own decisions. I actually agree with limiting what kids see, there are all sorts of things that are appropriate for adults that aren't for kids. Not everyone matures at the same rate but given the lack of any objective measurement of maturity, age will do.

Stopping kids from seeing things that aren't suitable is fine. Stopping adults from accessing thing because they aren't suitable for kids is totally fucked up! I bring this up because Australia doesn't have an 18+ rating for video games. The highest rating we have is 15+. That means that if the government censors think a game isn't suitable for someone under 15 then it gets banned from sale. That's right, the government sees nothing wrong with saying that if a game's too violent, gruesome or maybe sexual for a 15 year old then adults aren't allowed to have it.

The latest victim of this totally fucked up regime is Left 4 dead 2 which has been refused classification in Australia. This means it will be illegal to sell the game here. I am well pissed off about this Because Left 4 Dead was pretty much the coolest fucking game ever. Hell yes it was violent. Hell yes it was bloodthirsty, gruesome gratuitous and scary as fuck to play at 4am.

I would not for a second let my kids play it because it very nearly gave me nightmares. This was possibly made worse by playing 6 hour sessions at night fuelled by toxic doses of energy drinks. But I digress. I'm a fucking grown-up - I should be able to make the decision to do that to myself if I want to.

And if you're one of those fuckwits who say video games are different to movies because they're more immersive and interactive just shut the fuck up. If someone can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality, how the fuck is that my problem? Saying I can't play a video game because someone with a mental illness might not be able to handle it is just as fucked up as saying I can't play it because a kid couldn't handle it. You're worried that some unbalanced individual will think the game is real and start killing their zombie neighbours? Some people think their fucking cat talks to them! Are you going to drown all the cats as well in case they cause a killing spree?

When most gamers are in their 20s or 30s it's unforgivable to not have an adult rating for games. The government needs to wake the fuck up and put video games on the same footing as movies. Until they drag themselves into the 21st century and recognise the validity of video games they don't deserve to be taken seriously. Arguing that to protect children you have to take away my rights as an adult is totally fucked up!

---

I also did a video version of this - a collaboration with Shaun AKA Blordough who did my heavy metal theme. I did it as a comic because lip synching would have driven me crazy. Even so, that one video lip synch gave me about an hour of pain.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONmkgHSRvoA]

How to tell someone you don't give a fuck

2009-09-17T19:28:00.001+10:00

It seems I have to spend an inordinate amount of time telling people online that I don't give a fuck about their worthless dribbling. So I'm trying to come up with creative ways to tell them. Sure, I love the simplicity of "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" but I also like variety.

So far I've come up with:

I've checked my "things to do" list. Your mum is right at the top but giving a fuck about you just isn't there
NASA sent a deep space probe to the planet Giveafuckaboutyou and confirmed that I wasn't there
Your web search "times I give a fuck about you" returned no results. Did you mean "times I don't give a fuck about you?"
404 File not found. You apparently thought you'd find me giving a fuck about you. You were wrong. You could try the following - Find someone else who gives a fuck about you; grow the fuck up; just fuck off
Today's lesson is titled "I don't give a fuck about you". Tomorrow's lesson is the same as today's
Wanting you to fuck off and giving a fuck about you are not the same thing. So fuck off

And for those who like visual aids, I produced this Venn diagram on GraphJam:

: Venn Diagram

Feel free to make your own contributions

Twilight sparkly vampire dildo - TFU or total genius?

2009-09-17T19:27:00.000+10:00

I sometimes think people in the porn and sex toy industries are the most creative people in the world. Other times I don't think that. In the case of dildo inspired by the Twilight series, I'm not sure where I stand.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G01oJrnu42Y]

What I do know for sure is it's totally worth visiting the website that sells the dildo just to see the comments.

What do you think? Is the Twilight dildo Totally Fucked Up or Total Genius?

[polldaddy poll=1980935]

Dalek reacts to 2girls 1 cup

2009-09-06T22:00:00.001+10:00

I'm working with some friends to help promote their show called "Robot versus World" at this year's Melbourne Fringe Festival. The characters involved include the original Optimus Prime, the classic Astroboy and an 80s Dalek who have something of a detective agency together.

One of our promotional ideas is to have the Dalek make some archetypal internet videos. Here's the first fruits of our labour, the Dalek reacting to seeing the infamously disgusting "2 Girls 1 Cup"

And yes, I know, this was more of a thing about two years ago. But Daleks are time travellers. That's my excuse.

Here's another little peek of a serious discussion held during a rehearsal.

Yes, we put a lot of effort into planning piss jokes.

TFU Files - the end of the world

2009-09-04T18:36:00.000+10:00

I have some good news and I have some bad news. First, the good news: Global Warming won’t cause the destruction of human civilsation. Now the bad news: we’re going to be wiped out before Global Warming has a chance to do us in. While there are a lot of competing Armageddon theories I believe I have conclusive evidence for mine.

Not many people will be surprised at the revelation that humanity will bring about its own destruction. There are even those who won’t be surprised when I reveal that it will be robots that exterminate us. What may surprise is how exact my evidence is. This isn’t a vague “one day the robots will get us” alarmism. This isn’t some offshoot of Singularity theory – the idea that one day computers will be smarter than us and will be able to build still smarter computers without our help. Actually, the robots who destroy us won’t be particularly intelligent.

For my evidence, let me show you three significant developments in robotics. First, the tiny SWARM robots. These are solar powered robots not much bigger than a flea. By themselves they don’t do much but they are designed to communicate via infra red and form a group capable of swarm intelligence that enables them to perform a range of tasks (much like ants or bees).

Then there’s the plasmobot – a biological robot made from slime mould that is capable of “solving complex computational tasks” and “It propogates and searches for sources of nutrients”.

My final piece of evidence is the horrifically named “EATR”, a battlefield robot designed to fuel itself with biomass that it gathers from the battlefield. It has been pointed out that this biomass could include dead humans. It has also been pointed out that a battlefield robot is designed to create its own supply of dead bodies.

Now, while the EATR alone could cause human extinction (or maybe it will keep us on farms so it has a constant supply of meat) I think our destruction will come from a combination of these three. The group intelligence of the SWARM robots, the biological nature of the plasmobot and the human harvesting tendencies of the EATR will combine. In fact we’ve already seen this: It’s the BLOB, people!

It’s the fucking blob and it will eat us all and we are in the process of creating it ourselves. It gets to the point where saying “nobody could have predicted…” really doesn’t hold any water. For supposedly smart people, scientists seem to indulge in some really fucking dumb behaviour. I’m not the first to say “haven’t these scientists seen even one scary science fiction movie?”

TFU Files - Copyright is broken

2009-08-31T22:05:00.000+10:00

So here’s the first cab of the rank in the TFU Files. Copyright is essentially broken. It’s also a very touchy issue that’s hard to get rational discussion on because people with diametrically opposed views tend to start screaming at each other. I’m a creator of original content. I’d like to make money doing it. I really don’t want pricks stealing my work for their own gain. But the companies pushing for more and more extreme copyright measures are nothing more than evil, lying greedy scumfucks.

A perfect illustration of this can be found here. Canada is in the throes of changing their copyright regime. The entire process is in danger of being overwhelmed by commercial interests from the USA that have ZERO interest in advancing the cause of Canadian artists. At a recent “town hall” meeting that was meant to be an example of the Canadian government including the public in their deliberations, private security guards threatened people (including opposition MPs) for the heinous sins of trying to distribute information.

Stacking these meetings so that they only represent corporate interests (foreign corporate interests at that) is bad enough. Harassing and threatening dissenting voices is far worse. But to prove just how fucked they are, the “American Federation of Musicians” has launched bizarre email attacks on people who dare to differ on issues of copyright calling the content of their proposals “disgusting”.

Really? Disgusting? You’re going with disgusting? With an almost endless parade of things in the world that are disgusting, you’re going to call a pro-independent artist copyright reform proposal “disgusting?”

Stay classy, corporate America.

The TFU Files

2009-08-31T22:02:00.000+10:00

I used to be so motivated to keep this blog running but it really has faded away over the last year. It isn’t as if I’ve stopped doing anything - I’ve remained really active on YouTube and in fact I’ve become more focused on what I’m doing there as several people have proven it’s possible to make good money through the site. So yes, that’s apparently what it takes to hold my whore-ish attention: the offer of money.

But in all honesty, that doesn’t explain why I haven’t been posting more material here- even if all I did was post my YouTube videos here, that would be three or four new posts a week. I’ve kind of made an assumption that anyone who really wanted to see my videos would watch them on YouTube but that probably isn’t completely accurate. It really comes down to the fact I’m incredibly lazy and have been for pretty much all of my life.

That might sound strange given the amount of work I did manage to do on this blog and the hours of work I still put into YouTube but it’s essentially true. I’m very lazy and will actively avoid any sort of work unless it’s something I really want to do for myself. Of course I do my work in my day job (just in case anyone I work for/with is reading this) but that’s to earn money. I don’t want to do the job but I do want the money. But you know those people who say they’d stay at their jobs if they wont the lottery? Those people are idiots.

Maybe I have an unfair advantage because I have a very clear idea of what I’d do for personal fulfillment if I didn’t need a day job (namely, my online adventures) but the idea of doing your day job for self-actualisation seems fucking insane to me. But I’m like that. Opinionated.

It really does seem like a waste to not maintain this blog as I have managed to garner a decent amount of attention through it. The thing is, it achieved its primary goal. The name of the blog, “Angry 365 Days a Year”, was my mission statement for the first year. I was going to make at least one blog post every day for a year being angry about something. Mission Accomplished. Unlike George Bush, I didn’t get a big banner on an aircraft carrier proclaiming that. Also unlike George Bush, I wasn’t lying when I proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.

My original intent was to develop material for standup comedy routines but the combination of seeing how hard comedians work and the rise of YouTube killed that idea. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who are working comedians and they work incredibly hard for frequently small returns in terms of audience size. That’s too 20^th Century for me. Occasionally I piss them off by mentioning my viewer numbers on YouTube and the fact I can actually make money.

A lot of that material I have posted on this blog has ended up becoming the basis of videos and I had considered using the blog to continue to write up script ideas. But again, the whole “I’m a lazy bastard” thing rears its ugly head. Most of my videos roll out quite nicely without needing a formal script (I tend to play out the idea in my head a LOT before making the video). The ones that are scripted are usually the product of a script I scrawled out in a notebook while riding public transport on the way to and from work. So in either case, typing them up in the blog is doubling the work and I can’t be arsed doing it.

I’ve had a few ideas this year about how to bring a bit of life back to this blog. They were mainly about doing shorter posts and more visual posts but I haven’t really followed through. The thing is, I think it’s good for me to write more. It’s a good skill to practice, it keeps the mind sharp and it’s likely to help me make videos. One idea I’m almost certain I’ll follow through with (now that I’ve had it) is the TFU Files.

I’ve been running a regular video feature on Fridays for a few months now. It’s a week in review type of thing that I call Totally Fucked Up Friday (abbreviated to TFU as shown in this charming graphic done by YouTube pal DrakeMagnum).

: TFU

The news items I select for the video all serve as evidence to prove my theory that world really is Totally Fucked Up.

It’s proven to be quite popular with users and now I frequently get suggestions for topics. Between the suggestions and my own reading I usually have plenty of worthy TFU stories to choose from and I end up narrowing it down to two or three choices. What I’m thinking for the TFU files is that I’ll write a short piece for every potential idea (maybe as short as a one paragraph brain fart) so I’m thoroughly geared up by Friday.

I like the idea of doing this because it essentially lets me do a response for every person who gives me a suggestion. I probably only use one in ten suggestions (or less) but I do like to encourage people to give them to me. Sometimes I don’t use a suggestion because I can’t think of any good jokes about it, sometimes I feel like it isn’t right for me (I’m very cautious about stories that involve death or personal tragedy) and sometimes the suggestions are plain fucking stupid.

Honestly, the number of people who seem to have no fucking idea about my motivations stuns me. Am I too subtle? Of all my flaws, I didn’t think one of them was leaving people guessing as to what I think about things. For instance, I get people who seriously expect me to join their racist crusades, apparently because I’m an angry white guy. They tend to get “fuck off” as a reply along with a link to one of my many anti-bigotry videos.

Another benefit of making a short post for every idea would be as a reminder to me. The number of times I’ve thought about a good idea during the week and then totally forgotten about it when it comes time to make the video is ridiculous. I normally (stupidly) wait until Friday to get down to planning the TFU Friday video. This has led to many agonising instances of me berating myself for forgetting what the hell it was I had planned to do or maybe simply being unable to find the link to the story I want.

So in short, making this blog a repository for TFU files is a win for everyone. I don’t lose material, people who suggest things to me get recognition and attention span challenged readers get plenty of tidbits to provide diversion during the day. Unless I complete fail to follow through again.

But what are the chances of that?

Bo's Diary

2009-08-04T20:49:00.001+10:00

I’ve finally started a long-overdue project, something I originally meant to start last year. So sue me, I need to work on my attention span. Last year when my girlfriend’s mum, “Bo” was visiting from England, she brought along some diaries she’d kept when she was young. Bo wants to maintain her privacy so that’s as much as she’s going to be identified by me. I have a bit of a fascination with artefacts and I found these particularly fascinating.

Besides that fact I would have found the diaries interesting in any case, by sheer coincidence she started the diaries just before the outbreak of World War Two. She started writing on December 31^st 1938 and she turned 13 right on the eve of Britain declaring war on Germany. So (to me at least) they transform from being an interesting piece of family history to a unique document detailing World War Two through the eyes of an ordinary teenage girl.

Having said that, I feel like I should stress that the diaries aren’t necessarily compelling and exciting. In fact, the very mundane nature of a lot of the entires are what I like – this isn’t someone imagining they are recording history, it’s a young girl making short entries about her day to day life. (Spoiler alert- the outbreak of war doesn’t score a mention; Bo is more concerned at that point with how much birthday cake she has left.)

I love the physical books that Bo records her diary in as well. They are electrical engineer’s diaries she scored form her dad and besides the tiny spaces for daily entires there is a plethora of information that is apparently useful to engineers. This part of the diaries alone makes me feel like I have a time machine.

Because of the tiny space available for each day’s entry the entries are very short – they are like Tweets from the past. Given that I’m a little obsessed with Twitter at the moment, I’m going to set up a Twitter account for Bo’s Diary as well. If I had been more organised, I would have started this project back on December 31^st and added an entry each day. I’ve decided to play catch-up and cram in a lot of entries until I reach the current date. I should be up to date within a month and then I’ll post one entry each day.

By sheer coincidence (trust me, it’s a coincidence, I don’t plan things this well) I will be posting the entries exactly 70 years after they were first written. Bo is visiting again at the moment (which is what has prompted me to finally kick this project off) and she has brought a few more diaries from later years. The original set run sequentially for 10 years from 1939, so I’m setting myself up for a 10 year project.

I’m insane.

This being the internet I’m sure I will run into people who want to prove how clever they are and the will “uncover evidence” that proves these diaries are fake. I have two things to say to that. First, thanks for thinking I’m that dedicated. Anybody who knows me knows there’s no way I’d put this much energy into a hoax. Second, fuck off. Seriously. I have no interest whatsoever in proving myself to some head-up-his-arse internet troll and I won’t waste any time with any moron who wants to snipe at this project.

The actual way I present the diary is likely to evolve over time. I’ll be able to ask Bo questions about entries (although there’s no guarantee she’s going to remember all details). I’ll do some videos showing details in the diaries. I’ll probably scan some of the other pages from the diaries from time to time. And during the war years, I’ll probably provide links to details of significant events that coincide with the entries.

The sequential nature of blogging and Twitter make them a perfect fit for this project. Ever since I became aware of these diaries I’ve though there would be an audience for them. Even if it turns out nobody outside of the family is interested, this is still worth doing as it creates a digital backup of the diaries and preserves a bit of family history.

Plus, it will give me something to do for the next ten years.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6bVnH_o9Nc]

A day in the limelight

2009-07-16T20:18:00.000+10:00

If I'd known I was going to get all this company, I would have cleaned the place up a little. My "Should your website have a Flash intro" flow chart turned out to be very popular onReddit (and a few other sites). So much so that it was the top post on Reddit for most of the day and it was the top post for the day on Wordpress. When you're as shallow and ego-driven as me, this makes for a good day.

Although, in all seriousness, I really would have taken more care with the post if I had known so many people were going to see it. There were a couple of appalling typos in the first paragraph (which I've since fixed) and several people rightly pointed out that thejpeg of the flow chart I embedded looked kind of shit. I didn't bother to change the image. Give me a fucking break - it's a hostedblog that doesn't make me any money, how much of a shit am I actually expected to give?

I did get a good laugh out of the goon who had no idea how stupid he made himself look telling me to fix my "grammer". It's always a good idea to make sure you haven't made any mistakes with your own spelling or grammar if you're going to criticise someone else. Besides, if I wanted to get really pedantic towards annoying pedants I'd make a big show of pointing out that they were typos, not errors of grammar.

I would like to say thank you to all the supportive commenters, both here and on Reddit. That ratio of positive people to morons has been truly gratifying. Maybe some of you might even come back.

One of the things I found interesting is the recurring theme of people who want to show how clever they are by pointing out who did something "first". You don't have to do comedy/satire for very long before you realise there really aren't any new jokes. And you don't have to put your work out to public view for very long before you see how many people who will never create anything original of their own are eager to find fault in what you do.

This Toothpaste for Dinner cartoon was pointed out to me - it is essentially the same joke but I'd honestly never seen it before. It just shows that it isn't a particularly original idea for a joke. One person in particular was obsessed that I'd ripped of this blog post (referring to it here on my blog and on Reddit as "the original"). True, this one is actually about using Flash (for a whole site rather than an intro) but I'm not shy about saying (a) I'd definitely never see it before and (b) mine is way clearer in its intent and, in my not so humble opinion, way better.

The flowchart I'd actually seen a little while ago that was what I was thinking of when I did mine was about showing cops when to use ataser (hint: only use a taser if the only alternative is using your gun). I wish I could find it but I spent all day searching with no luck. So I'm copping to it barely qualifying as an original idea but the self-proclaimed "orignal police" got the specifics wrong.

One last thing about the day that made me laugh (which probably won't make anyone else laugh). This blog had settled into about 600 views a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. And here's the stats chart for the big day:

That line at the bottom isn't at zero. It varies beteen 500-800. But when the day's total went over 60,000 it's so out of scale with previous totals that it looks like it used to be zero.

This is my third most popular post by the way. My most popular post was about the diet pill "alli" that makes you shit oil uncontrollably. I'm not sure if this is a step up.

Should your website use a Flash intro

2009-07-15T16:01:00.001+10:00

When Flash first landed on the World Wide Web (we still called it that back in those days) it was very popular it it became common for websites that wanted to look "cool" to load a Flash animation when a visitor visted the site. The standard method was to force the use to sit through this animation to convince them of how cool you were.
As time passed it became widely accepted that this practice was, to use the technical term, totally fucked. Despite years of frustrated users screaming at the websites to get that stupid fucking intro out of their way and let them use the site, some sites argue that there are certain cases where a Flash into is still a good idea.
Maybe so. I'm a helpful guy. Really. So I've provided this handy flow chart for all web designers and marketing people to consult before they put a Flash intro in place. Use this and no matter what your product, no matter who your target audience, you will always reach the right decision:

YouTube causing pain with censorship

2009-07-13T16:24:00.000+10:00

People often ask my why I get angry and why I swear. I’ll fucking tell you why, because science fucking tells me to, that’s why. A study conducted at Keele University in the English Midlands (which I’ve never heard of but is clearly the best fucking university in the world) has shown swearing helps you withstand pain.
Volunteers who swore were able to withstand more pain than those who didn’t swear during the same test. Thus science has proved that swearing is not only big and clever, it’s fucking useful. And people who don’t swear are clearly into pain and are probably the sort of sick fucks who like to be tied up and whipped.
This also show’s YouTube’s attempts at censorship (threatening to delete or at the very least not promote videos just because they have some fucking swearing, introducing the censoring of swearing in comments.) means they want to hurt us. If we are allowed to swear we feel less pain. YouTube wants to reduce swearing. Therefore YouTube want us to suffer more pain.
Fucking bastards!
For those who can’t tell, including references to YouTube’s “censorship” policies is a joke. I point this out because I think people are far too casual in their use of the word “censorship” when it comes to YouTube. To cite the two examples I used, in 2008 YouTube said they would be trying to make videos with profanity appear less prominently on the site by “algorithmically demoting” them. This does appear to affect big name users – Cory Williams of SMP Films has been affected by it a couple of times but I haven’t toned down my swearing at all and I haven’t suffered for it. I would get pretty pissed off if/when it affects me directly.
More recently, YouTube introduced a feature that allows users to censor swearing in the comments on their videos. If this feature is invoked and a commenter calls someone a fucking cunt then it will appear as ****ing ****. It appears that on the first day this feature was live some goombah launched it with “on” as the default setting. This caused quite a few people to freak right the fuck out, thinking that massive censorship had been imposed.
It may surprise people to learn that I think this is a good feature. So long as it’s set at the video owner’s discretion and not imposed as a blanket rule, that is. It should be obvious that I’m anti-censorship but within their own domain people should be able set whatever rules they like. If someone doesn’t like swearing and they particularly don’t want to cop volumes of abuse directed at them on their own channel I say they are well within their rights to block swearing.
And I don’t give a fuck if that offends some purist libertarian streak in people. If someone imposes limits on my ability to express myself within my own domain I’m gonna get really pissed off. But it’s absolutely hypocritical to say “I demand liberty for all and nobody is allowed to disagree with me.” If YouTube enforced this level of censorship across the site I would be leading the user revolt but as an option I think it’s perfectly acceptable. I may even use it myself on some of my videos. For instance, my kids are in a few of my videos and they like to see what comments people are making on the videos. I don’t want them exposed to the typical lowest common denominator profanity that’s common on YouTube so I might censor the comments in that case.
Another way I can see it being good is the sort of no life fuck-up who makes a regular practice of leaving hater comments on people’s videos is easily frustrated. The main reason for this is the useless pieces of shit never produce anything of their own – the only thing that they have is trying to upset people who are actually doing something. Take that away (for example, by deleting any swearing in their comments) and they have nothing. So the whiny little fucks chuck a fit and wet their pants over how unjust it all is and I, for one, laugh right in their ugly fucking faces.
This is why I frequently delete obnoxious comments and block the perpetrator. Fuck censorship, I just want it to be clear that these sniveling little fuck-knuckles that they have no power in my world. And I want them to be upset. I want to know that they are bitching and whining about their “rights” being infringed. Because fuck them.So yeah, most of the hyperbole about YouTube going mad with censorship is overblown (not least because of the number of idiots who conflate copyright claims with censorship). It does seem clear, however, from their public pronouncements that YouTube see themselves as becoming some sort of new broadcast network. And they aren’t even a little scared of blanding things out if they think it will make them more money. Even if science proves they are reducing our capacity to endure pain.

Angry Comix - I hate you all!

2009-06-23T22:48:00.001+10:00

A reaction to my recent blog poll:

: Page 1

: Page 2

: Page 3

: Page 4

: Page 5

: Page 6

Who's the best "Old Fred"?

2009-06-07T17:05:00.001+10:00

I've been looking for an excuse to run a Wordpress poll and here it is! About three weeks ago I did a video that was essentially a spoof of the most subcribed channel on YouTube, Fred. Given I'm about 30 years older than him, I imagined what he'd be like in 30 years if he was still making YouTube videos.

And just the other day, Mediocre Films, a channel with way more subscribers than me (like 200,000 more subscribers) did a video where... well, they imagined what Fred would be like in 30 years. Now, the person who pointed it out to me is crying foul but I think it's more likely that this is simply a coincidence rather than them ripping me off deliberately. It isn't as if this is the most innovative idea in the history of comedy. Spoofing popular people is pretty common.

The timing seems a bit coincidental but I'm willing to believe it's nothing more sinister than a coincidence. But seeing there are two versions of "Old Fred" now, why don't we put it to the vote?

P.S. I've been watching "The Mighty Boosh" on DVD recently. If I'd seen the "Old Gregg" episode before I made this video I probably would have had my version of Fred scream "I'm Old Fred - I've got a mangina!"

First milestone for the angry empire

2009-05-31T21:42:00.001+10:00

So I took the big leap this week up and set up some online t-shirt sales. Thanks to the magic of CafePress I can actually do this without too much hassle. Of course nobody might actually care but enough people have commented over the years that I should sell t-shirts that I thought I'd give it a go.

The whole adventure is made easier by the fact that one on my YouTube subscribers did some designs for me. And I didn't even ask for them - he just did them. So now there are two designs available on CafePress. This one:

: Angry Shirt

And this one (that I've been using as an icon on various websites)

: AngryAussie Mask Design

So give me moneyyou bastards. Or not. This is really just an experiment. But if you want to, click here for the default "Angry" design or click here for the mask design. And because people have always said they like the shirts I design myself and suggested that hand made shirts would sell, I've been working on some prototypes. I can't exactly mass produce these but I've cobbled together a home made screen so I can print multiple shirts before the screen packs it in.

The whole process of making these shirts still takes an insane amount of time so it isn't worth my while to make them unless I can sell them for at least $50. If anyone thinks that's insane you won't get a lot of argument for me. So the really experimental part of this process was doing some prototypes and putting them up on eBay to see what happens.

The good news (for me) is I've already sold one! Admittedly, to my friend Nick (AKA Arthur40TwoDent on YouTube) but it's a start. The commercial juggernaut that is the Angry Empire has been launched. Jump aboard or be crushed under its wheels. Which is my way of inviting you to bid on one of the following designs on eBay:

: STFU - Red on Gold

Click here for the auction for this shirt.

: STFU - Purple and Yellow

Click here for the auction for this shirt

: STFU - Red & Gold on White

Click here for the link to this auction.

And, me being me, I made a video to celebrate this milestone for the Angry Empire:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu1R_cuHJak]

BlogTV shenanigans

2009-05-27T21:43:00.000+10:00

I had a fun time on BlogTV tonight. If the idea of interacting with me live seems like fun to you, you should sign up to get notifications of my live shows. Or follow me on Twitter to get tweets telling you what I'm doing. Or not. I completely understand if this doesn't appeal to you.

But we have fun doing bizarre things like playing 20 questions. And I do occasional rants. And people frequently convince me to do stupid things:

: Dalek or dickhead?

And there are sexy goings on like me rubbing my nipples:

: I'm dead sexy

Plus you often get sneak previews into what I'm doing if you tune into the BlogTV shows - I was showing off prototype t-shirt designs today. All in all, it's fun.

If you're into fun.

The Blogging Bot from the Future

2009-05-26T22:17:00.000+10:00

An old favourite returns to YouTube:

Yes, that's how the future really looks. And sounds.

And because I care about my viewers/readers, in case you found it hard to understand what the Blogging Bot was saying, here's a transcript:

Greetings from the future.

From my vantage point in the future, I know the answer to many things that are regarded as mysteries in your time. For instance, some in your time suggest time travel must never be achieved because if it had been, time travellers would have come back to visit you. This might make sense apart from one thing you're all such a bunch of dicks what time traveller would waste time coming back to see you?

You people are coming towards the end of what is known in my time as The Stupid Ages an age of ignorance, narcissism and self-obsession that is laughable in my enlightened future. Which I guess is my enlightened present. Your future. You get what I mean. Unless you're one of the really stupid ones.

For instance: Fox News. What the hell is that about? The sort of rubbish spewed out on that supposed news network is so insanely mind-numbingly stupid if someone said something 1/1000th as stupid in my era, they would be put down as a mercy killing. Not a mercy for them they probably wouldn't like it. A mercy for the rest of us. Because we don't want to put up with crap like that.

I mean, seriously. In my age even children ponder great metaphysical questions. Do you know what the single most commonly asked question in your era is? When will I be famous? Not When will I be recognised for my achievements but When will I be famous? What the hell is wrong with you people? Why not get off your at reality-TV watching arses and do something worthwhile? Get good at something and wait for people to notice that. Don't sit there staring into your mirror asking When will I be famous?

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

I'm sorry, I recently had my personality subroutine augmented and I haven't quite got the hang of controlling the contempt I feel for the Stupid Ages yet.

I implore you, do your part to end the Stupid Ages. Stop obsessing about yourself and day-to-day trivia and get out and change something in the world for the better. Or not. Like I give a crap. You're all dead to me anyway.

End transmission

Totally fucked up or totally cool?

2009-05-22T22:48:00.000+10:00

Funniest eyewitness statements ever. Who says street shootings can't be funny?

Sometimes it's only your point of view the determines whether or not something is Totally Fucked Up. This TFU Friday it's up to you to decide whether or not the stories are Totally Fucked Up or totally cool.

First is "Internet sensation" Clare Werbeloff who gave a funny account of a shooting in Sydney's Kings Cross. Some call here a bogan, some even call her a fake. Check it out for yourself

And then there's Josko Risa, currently running for mayor of the Croatian town Prolozac. The slogan for his openly corrupt campaign is "All for me, none for you."

And thanks to Nick for pointing me to that one!

And finally there's my "friends" at The Taboo Group who previously sent me Chuck and are now sending me mutilated Barbie heads in the mail.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTECo-2-jjE]

Here's some info about the movie "Prey" I missed seeing. DAMMIT!

The Dyslexic Christian

2009-05-20T21:56:00.001+10:00

Yes, I'm making fun of both Christians AND dyslexics - two reasons to hate me! This is the story of my adventures with a dyslexic Christian friend. You see, I don't hate religion, I'm simply not interested in it. So long as people don't get up in my face, I'll leave them alone.

Which sometimes gives people the mistaken impression I am nice.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q257oSsJIzU]

And if you actually need this joke explained to you, click here to get some bonus material!

Fred in 30 years

2009-05-13T22:03:00.001+10:00

"Fred" is the user name of the most subscribed channel on YouTube. He was the first person to pass one million subscribers. Rumour has it he makes $US5,000-10,000 each week just from Adsense revenue via YouTube. There are Fred branded shirts on sale at Hot Topic in the US (an probably other places). I try not to let these facts depress me.

I frequently get asked what I think of Fred by people who say kind things like I deserve more success than him. The truth is, I have nothing against him. He's not really my "thing" but good luck to him for his success. Rather than wasting time obsessing over the idea that he doesn't deserve his level of success, I prefer to look on his success as a positive example of what is possible.

This video is my idea of what Fred will look like in 30 years. By this time he is sure to have one billion subscribers.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkXLsGEol0]

And I have been warned about the "Fred Army". Like I give a shit. If people can't tell that this isn't done in a mean spirited way then they are fucking morons. As Shakespeare was fond of saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Masturbate-a-thon: the gift that keeps on giving

2009-05-06T11:25:00.001+10:00

One of the benefits of having built up a core of followers through this blog and YouTube is that people are always sending me suggestions for issues, topics and stories to cover. I welcome all of the suggestions but in many cases I never do anything with them. Sometimes it's because I don't think the idea suits me, sometimes it's because I can't think of anything good to do with it.

But sometimes, there is a story that simply must be done. One such story was recently provided to me via YouTube by Joshua - the recently held San Francisco Masturbat-a-thon. Which is actually an annual event.

The only problem is knowing where to start because there is so much material to work with. The masturbate-a-thon really is the gift that keeps on giving. The delightful thing is you can't parody these people. It's the perfect balance of a really crazy event and people being committed to an essentially positive message. If you try to slag them off, they really aren't going to give a shit.

The good part is, when the subject matter is this funny, you don't need parody. Just looking at exactly what was going on kept me in hysterics. It wasn't enough for them to simply bring people together to masturbate - no, there were competitions. At the 2009 masturbate-a-thon you could compete in:

Longest squirt distance (and this was a mixed gender event, even if men had an unfair advantage)
Longest time spent masturbating (and as the website says, bend your gender expectations - the record holder is male)
Most orgasms (a mixed gender event where women have the advantage) and
Tag Team "Fun" (which quite frankly boggles my mind)

Put simply, these people are determined to earn back some respect for masturbation. Or something. Hey, I make YouTube videos so I'm all about public masturbation in the metaphorical sense. But it's hard to argue with their core points:

Masturbation is the safest sex
More masturbation means more sexual self-awareness
Masturbation with a partner can be educational and hot

I guess I should add that I know a lot of people would be freaked out by this. The world is full of uptight people who are squeamish about discussing sex and thanks to my Catholic upbringing I know masturbation is really taboo for a lot of people. So putting masturbation right in people's faces like this (so to speak) is pretty confronting. Which I think is kind of their point. Maybe they are just really sick people. But I think they are a great blend of positive, outrageous and just plain funny.

What's not to love about a web site that includes featured masturbators as well as a participation guide that encourages you to get your friends to sponsor your masturbation either by the hour or by the orgasm. I just want to say that if you're having that conversation with your friends they are either really close friends or they hate you and really wish you'd stop calling.

Oh, and I know you want to know the competition results so here they are:

Existing record holder, Mr Masanobu Sato of Japan broke his old mark of masturbating for 9 hours 33 minutes to set a new record of 9 hours 58 minutes. He might think he's a winner but I say he's soft for not holding out for to more minutes to make an even 10 hours.
A new record for squirting distance was set by "Flint Greasewood" who shot a truly astounding 5 feet 4 inches. I understand they audience was required to wear protective eyewear.
And a new Women's World Tag Team time record was set by the owners and union members of the cooperative strip club the Lusty Lady Theatre. I have no idea what is involved in that record but I'm extremely disappointed that I didn't see it.

And as an added bonus, the SF Weekly has a decidedly Not Safe For Work slideshow of highlights. Some of the slideshow captions crack me up too. For instance there's the tip about rest breaks in Masturbation marathons - "It's like a pit stop in the Indianapolis 500 - if you really want to win, keep your tyre changes to a minimum." And then there's the "friendliest wanker of the bunch" who handed the SF Weekly a business card. Which I can only assume they burned - or at least washed thoroughly.

And while, in all honesty, I'm supportive of the overall message of the event I really have to take issue with their site's logo.

: The logo in question

Now, I'm not surprised or offended that it features an erect penis. The wings are a little weird but I guess that's a metaphor. Whatever. But WHAT THE FUCK is up with the rear end of it? Why the fuck does it seem to be some sort of flying penis/dog hybrid? And why the fuck does the dog have a huge gaping arsehole? Seriously!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE FUCKING THINKING?!?!?!?!

On second thoughts, scratch that question. I really don't want to know what the person who designed that logo was thinking.

Gayest Rap Name Ever!

2009-05-02T16:14:00.001+10:00

So I've started a new series on YouTube: Totally Fucked Up Fridays. In TFU Fridays videos I look back on some of the truly fucked up events of the week.

And what a week this was! It was so hard to choose what stories to cover. Thanks to everyone on Twitter who gave me suggestions (Follow this link to follow me BTW, http://twitter.com/angryaussie).

So many fucked up stories to choose from, I went with Swine Flu, Air Force One buzzing New York City (and giving everyone 9/11 flashbacks), the continuing rape of the internet and the gayest rap name ever.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iuy6nIgWjI]

The STFU on the t-shirt stands for Not Safe For Work. Stop asking. By the way, I really did email Michael Buckley of WhatTheBuckShow fame and he was willing to go on record as agreeing that "Lace Italiano" is the gayest rap name ever.

If you want a way around the "can't watch this outside the US" problem, follow this link.

I link to an instructional video rather than straight to the software as I think the instructions are important. I installed the software and it works but it does tend to hijack some of your browser activity, particularly search. I recommend switching it off when you're not actively using it.

Swine Flu - How to protect yourself

2009-04-30T17:46:00.001+10:00

A special film from the archive of the Government Department for really useful films.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq4_jNeUT-U]

It's a little disturbing that in the short time since I made this, the Worl Health Organisation raised their alert level to 5. And just in case there is some moron out there who wants to whine about this being insensitive and people dying - save it. I don't give a crap that you have no sense of humour.

If you're after some actual real information, this short Q&A is a good start.

Also, the pig in a sombrero joke comes to you courtesy of Dave/DCTCool

BlogTV Madness

2009-04-26T20:22:00.000+10:00

I've been diversifying a little this month (as mentioned in previous posts) and trying out BlogTV. It seemed a bit weird to me and I didn't know what people expect me to do when I'm sitting there live. So I asked.

It seems people are reasonably happy to watch me talking crap. For a laugh on Saturday night (my time) I decided to go on drunk. Or at least get drunk while I was on there. Because then I wasn't drinking alone, I was drinking with other people and therefore not an alcoholic!

The show went on for about 3 and 1/2 hoursuntil I decided I really should stop around 1.30am. Quite a lot of people came through during that time - around 100 I think but I was too drunk to know for sure. But the good news was: no hangover!

A few people grabbed screen shots of various shenanigans:

Dragonball Evolution movie poster

2009-04-02T17:58:00.002+11:00

What is it with Hollywood casting white people in roles meant for Asians? John Wayne was even cast to play Genghis Khan once! At least they got it right in the new Dragonball movie.

Because white people with eyeliner totally look Asian.

God's to list

2009-03-30T11:40:00.001+11:00

Found stuck to a very large fridge somewhere in the cosmos:

For those who can't tell, this is the product of a catholic education.

Reasons I rip on haters

2009-03-24T15:45:00.001+11:00

People often ask me, if I think haters are such a waste of space, why do I take the time to rip on them? I punch those people in the face. I have a range of reasons for ripping on haters and they are neatly explained in this graph:

The blog is dead - long live the blog

2009-03-18T17:06:00.001+11:00

I know there are more abandoned blogs than active blogs out there but I've been feeling a bit guilty about neglecting my little corner of the blogosphere. Not too guilty. It isn't as if I've been drowning kittens. More like maybe I kicked a puppy. The kick may have even been accidental. Like I slipped and before I regained my balance my foot made contact with a puppy. So not that bad.
Okay, so maybe the puppy was startled and yelped in fear. Maybe it even ran off. Into traffic. And was disembowelled by a tram. But that's hardly my fault. What was the stupid fucking puppy doing getting in my way anyhow?
So anyway, I've been neglecting this blog which is not particularly nice because this blog has been good to me. So I'm thinking it's time for a resurrection of sorts. My grand plan is to start using the blog more often again but in different ways. The whole "being angry all the time" shtick has gotten a bit boring for me. At least writing about it has gotten old. I tried to avoid being half-arsed with blog posts so as a result posting took a lot of time and effort which had stopped seeming like it was worth it.
YouTube was my downfall. It's so easy. For me, anyway. It isn't that I don't put a lot of work into my videos and responding to comments, I do. But I do find it very easy to spend the time and execute on YouTube and less so here on the blog. So YouTube has thrived while the blog has withered. That's life. The fact that I've been getting into Twitter lately hasn't helped the blog either (follow me if you aren't already). Facebook still doesn't appeal to me (nor do MySpace or any of the others) but YouTube still has me hooked. But I'm not ready to give up on the blog completely.
I have a bit of a re-invention in mind. The plan is mostly formed but it will likely evolve. The posts will be more regular but shorter. And probably much more visual. I'm getting into the idea of doing more humorous graphs and charts. And maybe Despair.com-style demotivators. And the surveys Wordpress lets you do (probably tied to my YouTube videos). Maybe even a webcomic.
Shallow crowd pleasing stuff in other words. You'll love it.
Oh, and I'm revisiting my blogroll too because I know there's some dead blogs there. And I'll be trying to visit those who are still active more often. So if you consider yourself an old faithful and you're not on the blogroll maybe you should drop me a line ;)
Be seeing you soon! Probably.

To the hated

2009-02-26T07:30:00.001+11:00

I've had a few discourses on the topic of haters and negative behaviour in the past but until reading this recent guest post on BoingBoing I'd never considered that by labelling someone else a hater I'm effectively labelling myself "the hated". I found that a little jarring (which I don't think was the author's intent) because it's such a negative and (to me) submissive word.
What I liked about the post is that he was giving people who might feel alone and victimised a lifeline. You're not alone. You're not at fault. You're not powerless. Here are some ways to deal with haters. It inspired me to do the following video:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uO0EP41_TE]
When I've dealt with the topic I've always tried to do it as a show of support for other people who find themselves on the receiving end of abuse. Attacking haters can be fun but it's ultimately pointless. This is simply because there is not point to hater behaviour no matter how much they talk themselves up. They are weak, pathetic people with nothing of value to offer so they seek to tear others down.
A friend of mine once described the situation as the world being made up of two types of people: mountain climbers and ditch diggers. When mountain climbers see someone above them thy start climbing in order to reach the same heights. When ditch diggers see someone above them they start digging a hole with the hope that the other person will fall into it.
So my philosophy is: don't let haters get to you. Their attacks on you are nothing more than their admission you are better than them. You're better and they have no hope of ever equalling you so they want to drag you down. Ignore them and they'll fester away in the dark hole they've created for themselves.
And just to round off, here's a link to Ricky Gervais' blog:
http://www.rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php

Yolog a day - day 2 Recommended reading

2009-02-23T22:35:00.001+11:00

I thought I'd throw out a few reading recommendations. I could give heaps more but this is a start.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9gIlMJfVRk]

And here's some free stuff online:

Classics!
http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page

Science Fiction!
http://www.baen.com/library/

Zombies! (Start with Monster Island)
http://www.brokentype.com/monster/

Cory Doctorow's stuff:
http://craphound.com/

Yolog a day - Day 1 Communication

2009-02-22T18:05:00.002+11:00

I've been inspired to shift gears for a week by Anakin1814 a YouTube friend so it's all his fault. I'm making a personal video each day for a week (which is called a yolog not vlog no matter how many fools say otherwise) just to explore some ideas. In this first one, I talk about my approach to online communication and a few other things.

You also get to meet my stitch baby! The stitch baby was made for me by the wonderful Lucy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIpM0U-w5Hw

Actually, I almost re-shot this because I watched it and I wasn't very lively. But I covered a lot of stuff I wanted to and I don't mind the conversational style.

Horseshit and bollocks

2009-02-17T15:45:00.001+11:00

I was just at the movies and noticed a poster for the forthcoming sequel to The DaVinci Code, Angel and Demons. A more accurate title would be Horseshit and Bollocks. I've never bothered to read any of Dan Brown's books or watched the previous movie. The list of books I want to read before that is too long and life is too short. For that reason I won't pass judgement on his writing - there's plenty of other people doing that. Whether his writing is good or bad is immaterial to why his books and more specifically the hype around them pisses me off.
Bad fiction I can deal with. But when a hack writer uses the hype of "this is inspired by the truth" to sell books I feel like getting out the angry hammer and looking for skulls to crack. Particularly annoying is how it appeals to conspiracy theory whackjobs. And in case anyone is unclear on how I feel about those brain dead, self-important conspiracy-spouting shit-weasels who'd rather jack off to their insane fantasies of how they are the only ones clever enough to see through vast conspiracies that "the sheeple" are duped by... well, I think they're just super.
I really want to reiterate that this isn't about the quality (or lack thereof) of Dan Brown's writing. I don't look down on people who read and enjoy his books. Lots of intelligent people I know fall into this category. I simply choose not to do so myself. It's the fucked up "wooo isn't it spooky that all these secrets exist" bullshit that I can't tolerate. If the choice is between reading nothing and reading Dan Brown then definitely read Dan Brown. Even ingesting the verbal diarrhoea that Oprah recommends is better than simply watching Oprah.
That goes for Twilight too. It's really trendy to say the Twilight books are shit and they only appeal to dippy little girls and Mormons. They are still fucking books! Reading is a good thing! You know what I started out reading? Comic books. And how many idiotic adults think they are trash that should be banned? I'm not even talking about deep and meaningful "graphic novels" - I'm talking trashy, pulpy comic books. Then I graduated to reading Doctor Who novelisations.
If any adult had tried to rip these from my grasp and force me to read "real books" that would have been the last thing I ever read. But because I was reading what I wanted, I enjoyed reading and slowly progressed to more challenging books. These days I even occasionally commit literature. Why do people not get this and insist on telling those who read things they don't approve of to stop that right now! They'll stop all right. And never pick up a book again.
So yeah, if Dan Brown would lay off his "it's true!" schtick I'd be less inclined to want to bash his brains out with a cricket bat. Even if he is a shitty writer.

800 videos

2009-02-01T21:36:00.000+11:00

Waaaaaay back in June 2006 when I started on YouTube, I wouldn't have believed I'd manage to make over 800 videos. After the fact it seems to have been very easy to do. I hate to think where this creative energy would have ended up without this. I suspect there would have been heads on sticks at the bottom of my garden.

As is usual for my 100 milestone, I've done a compilation of clips of videos 701-799. If you have a spare 15 minutes, sit back and enjoy!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=xLciicFYzdQ]

AngryAussie has a wet sticky crotch on YouTube

2009-01-20T22:12:00.000+11:00

As promised, I made a video of my recent blog post where I lose it over my lunch dumping a bunch of meat juice in my crotch. It seemed fitting to resurrect the angry mask.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlntCrCZ1Q4]

Stick crotch

2009-01-12T13:34:00.001+11:00

I haven't railed angrily at any of life's little injustices recently but holy fuck I'm angry right now! I am a creature of habit with many things but particularly with food. If I find something for lunch that I like I tend to get it reasonably often. Knowing I'm going to enjoy food is more important to me than variety.
One of my favourite lunches near my current workplace is relatively simple. It's a wrap: marinated chicken cooked on a grill with bacon, cheese, pineapple and salad wrapped in toasted flat bread. This was my lunch today. It was a taste sensation as usual. What wasn't usual was when it dumped a load of food juices right in my crotch. Gross, sticky and embarrassing. Because it's all over my fucking crotch.
I tell you, if I'm going to end up with sticky juices covering my crotch I want them to get there the fun way!
What really pisses me off is this only happened because they changed the fucking packaging! Prior to today, the wraps always came in these touch paper bags. The yummy fresh food and sauce alway runs out of the wrap because it's hot. This bag NEVER let the sauce escape - I guess it was treated somehow to not go soggy.
Today the wrap comes with a continuous piece of paper wrapped around it. This has two effects. One, it's harder to unwrap and get at my food. Two, IT DUMPED THE FUCKING FOOD JUICES INTO MY FUCKING CROTCH!
I don't want to hear that I should be more careful or eat it over a plate or any common sense shit like that! I fucking hate it when somebody changes something that works as a cost cutting measure (probably) and introduces a fucking problem that didn't exist before! FUCK!
The one saving grace is I'm wearing dark pants (like I do 90% of the time at work) so I just spent a few minutes at the bathroom sink splashing water on my crotch trying to get the sticky stuff off. I never thought I'd have to say that again. Then I used the hand dryer to try and dry my pants (I learned through experience to not use paper towel - then your crotch is covered in white fluff). So I'm essentially dry humping the hand dryer like Mr Bean and of course someone walked in. I acted casual and pretended there was nothing wrong with my posture.
FUCK I am in a bad mood at the moment!

Sports Bukkake

2009-01-07T11:38:00.000+11:00

Can someone tell me what is happening here?

Funny if you're good enough

2009-01-05T22:36:00.002+11:00

One of the challenges you face if you try to entertain people with humour is deciding on what is an "appropriate" topic for comedy or satire. Clearly, I don't mind if I piss people off and frequently set out to do it on purpose. By the same token, I do have an internal censor of sorts but it leans more towards "is that funny enough to get away with it?" than "am I allowed to say that?"
I was reminded of this conundrum when reading about how Ricky Gervais has upset a few people this week by picking on fat people in a podcast. I'd seen his DVD "Fame" recently where he also ripped on fat people ("not a disease") so I had a fair feeling for the tone of his podcast when I saw a partial transcript. Suffice to say that he thinks fat people shouldn't be treated gently.
I have all three standup DVDs he's released and one thing that was a real eye-opener for me in all of them was how aggressively he went for what could be regarded as soft targets. I know he isn't to everyone's taste but anyone who can make me laugh at jokes at the expense of kids with cancer is all right by me.
Gervais (to me at least) is a classic example of it isn't what you make jokes about that matters, it's how good you are. The fact that some people are confronted and upset by some of his jokes isn't in and of itself a measure of their quality. After all, I doubt that the initial publication of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" was greeted with universal acclaim as a masterpiece of satire ("He's saying we should eat Irish babies - he's a very bad man!")
The world is, of course, littered with the putrid corpses of jokes that died horrible public deaths when the comedian in question was simply trying to be offensive for shock value and failed to remember the "be funny" part of the equation (doubtless I've committed this humourcide many times). The best recent example for me is still when Michael Richards (Seinfeld's "Kramer") imploded on stage and repeatedly brayed "nigger" at an audience member. You don't try that shit unless you're really, really good.
But if you're good, and daring, you can go right out there and make jokes about paedophilia:
[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9031532194656768989]
To be accurate, the target of the satire in that video from Britain's "Brass Eye" is actually the hysteria that was surrounding paedophilia at the time rather than saying paedophilia itself is funny. The first time I saw that I almost couldn't believe someone would take the risk of going that far. I don't know how many death threats the makers of the show received but they won't be getting invited to tea at Buckingham Palace any time soon.
Which is something else that not enough people consider before they do something (and I'm not limiting this to attempts at comedy): be prepared for the consequences. To white guys who say they should be able to say nigger because it's free speech I say sure you should. Just be prepared for people to decide they don't want to be around someone who spouts racist crap. I know a lot of what I've done, particularly on YouTube, could have an adverse affect on some people's opinion of me. It could mean I don't get a particular job at some point. I made a conscious choice in that regard:
Fuck it.
I've never taken a video down and I stand by everything I've ever done on YouTube. It may not all be comedy gold but it's all me.

Conspiracy theorists - STFU!

2008-12-16T07:38:00.002+11:00

The absurd number of random, off-topic comments I have been getting on YouTube lately from conspiracy theorists has pushed me to far. Time to strike back in the only way I know how - lots of swearing and shouting!
[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=o0AIeN_AxBQ]
And don't take it personally Alan, Despite the fact we disagree on a range of topics I consider you a person who puts forward their views rationally without being aggressive or insulting. Unlike the pea-brained morons I am beset by on YouTube.

YouTube in the news

2008-12-12T09:41:00.000+11:00

There's an interesting article in today's New York Times about YouTubers who are actually making a living doing videos. Prominently featured are two of my friends from the site, Michael Buckley of "What the Buck" and Cory Williams of SMP Films.

It's good to see some non-hysterical coverage from a mainstream media outlet, pity the same can't be said for a lot of the people who read the article. The comments from the readers are amusing in their bitterness and ignorance. My personal favourite said :

"Nice to know that someone making amateur Youtube videos (they are a bit entertaining I admit)makes more money than most people I know, with advanced degrees that work 60 hour weeks in offices.

Time to think of a new career path or at least a way to pay off those undergrad and graduate student loans."

No shit, Sherlock! If you know people who spent years at university racking up massive debts only to end up in dead end jobs it's fucking obvious they should wake the fuck up! It appears they didn't learn many worthwhile lessons in their studies.

Anyway, this is as good an excuse as any to post a video I made with the fabulously wealthy Cory while I was visiting him in the US recently. Oh, and for those who are interested, I make more like $100 a month from YouTube rather than the $100,000 per year Mr Buckley is lucky enough to be making!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1HKCTQ-VOIM]