Saturday, October 14, 2006

More Angry News Bulletins

Here's a few more video bulletins I've done over the last few days. The first one covers some Google news you may not have heard. Google have absolutely dominated tech news coverage for the last week but this item didn't get a lot of play.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEDsyQHJ3HY

This next one was inspired by a story I found in the New York Times. This is an example of some really worthwhile science - there should be more of this sort of research.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyEaKq191Ck

The Smoking Ghost

One thing guaranteed to piss off a non-smoker like myself is being subjected to cigarette smoke. I hardly go out to live gigs because of the assault of smoke while I'm out and the horrible stench of stale smoke impregnating my skin, clothes and hair when I get home. So the one thing you can be guaranteed that my place won't smell of is cigarette smoke. The fucking pope can come for a visit and I won't let him smoke.

But I can't stop the ghost from smoking.

I'm not a superstitious person but the only explanation I can come up with for the recurring cigarette smoke smell in my place is a wandering smoking ghost. It isn't my imagination because my girlfriend has confirmed that she smells it as well. It tends to be strongest in the kitchen and I've been working on a theory that might explain it.

Before anyone gets worried and thinks I've left my stove on or my wiring is shorting out - this a very specific cigarette smell, not a generalised burning or smoke smell. I've ruled out someone standing outside my kitchen window and smoking there just to piss me off - that would be paranoid. But I'm pretty sure the ghost is a sound theory.

If it isn't a ghost I think it may be something to do with the plumbing. I learned the hard way that all the plumbing in this building is interconnected when my bathroom flooded after someone upstairs emptied their bathtub. So I'm working on an elaborate theory that involves smoke from someone else's apartment being sucked down the pipes and coming up my kitchen sink.

If anyone has a better theory, I'd love to hear it.

Friday, October 13, 2006

The toilet is judging me

I know that title sounds paranoid (or possibly insane) but I swear it's true! As some background, this is another story of arbitrarily enforced workplace rules gone astray. No matter how well-intentioned, the problem with arbitrary rules is their inflexibility. At some point, a circumstance will occur that results in an unintended negative consequence of the rule but because the rule is arbitrary there is no ability to make concessions.

In this case, the arbitrary rule revolves around my workplace's gung-ho attitude toward being as "green" as possible. I've detailed some of these policies in the past (using rainwater, massive recycling programme) but this is a new one. The toilets have motion sensors that automatically shut off the lights if they detect no motion after a set period of time (it seems to be set at about ten minutes.)

This would obviously not be something you'd even notice in a highly trafficked toilet. Not an issue for Alan Jones in other words. But I've recently moved desks to a half-empty section and as a result, the nearby toilet doesn't see a lot of business. Often when I go into this toilet the lights are off and they switch on as I enter and trigger the motion detector. Noticing this had prompted me to wonder how long it took them to switch off. One day I found out.

It was a weird experience because, not surprisingly, the toilet is windowless so when the lights went out I was plunged into pitch darkness without warning. And I soon discovered the motion sensor wasn't point to the cubicle because I stood up and waved my arms around all to no avail. I won't go into detail of my status in the cubicle to avoid grossing anyone out. OK, a little detail: I wasn't even taking a crap, I was pretty much hiding in there - taking a break and playing games on my mobile phone.

So, possibly, the sensor was right to give me a "hey you, get out of here," message. It did strike me at this point that being caught out this way if you were suffering from either extreme end of the ablutions spectrum (diarrhea or constipation) would be a pretty awful and possibly embarrassing experience. Awful for the obvious reasons and embarrassing if someone came in, the lights switched on then they saw someone was actually in the cubicle. In the dark. Who knows what they would think?

And so I'm going to be stuck with this arbitrary rule because this is hardly the sort of setting you could question. How would you do that? Calling the amenities people and saying you think the timer setting is too short would go something like this:

Me: The auto timer in the toilets is set to switch the lights off too soon.

Amenities Person: How do you know?

Me: Ummmm...

AP: It's set for ten minutes, did it switch off when you were in there?

Me: Well...

AP: How often would that happen to someone?

Me: I dialled the wrong number, I meant to report a computer fault. Bye!

I've avoided it up to now but I have to say it: this light timer gives me the shits.

The Angry News - There's Something About Mary

I've fallen a little behind with posting Angry News bulletins on here recently (I've been keeping up with them on YouTube) so you'll probably see a lot of videos over the coming weekend. This bulletin was inspired by a news story on Keisha Castle-Hughes, the 16 year old actress who came to some international notice when she was the youngest ever nominee for the Best Actress Academy Award for her work in the New Zealand film "Whale Rider." This is not that story. This is another story.



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N35RL3ZrS1Q

Thursday, October 12, 2006

300 Posts and still here!

Six months without missing a day, 300 posts, 100 videos, over 2,200 comments... it's distinctly possible I need to get a life. Who am I kidding? Despite the occasional moments of blog-induced stress (usually when I was suffering from writer's block) this is the best my life has felt in years. True, my actual offline life is in better shape than it's been in ages but the sense of purpose and fulfilment I have found through blogging is phenomenal.

Plus, while I don't want to get my hopes up, I'm starting to feel like I may have found a new career path through blogging. There are still many way it could go; writing a book, live performance, something via video or even making actual money via blogging (how's Wallstrip coming along Howard? I beat everyone with my YouTube prediction - do you need a prognosticator?). Even if nothing comes of the blogging, I think my improved attitude shows through strongly in my day job performance, so it's all good.

Of course, the only down side of feeling such personal satisfaction is it occasionally makes it hard to stay angry. Don't worry though, I have plenty more angriness coming - not least because I feel like I'm being judged by the toilet at work (more on that tomorrow). Hopefully this makes it clear to anyone who was wondering: yes, Mr Angry is just a character, I'm nothing like this in real life. I exaggerate some real life experiences for comedic effect and to express the feelings that so many of us are forced to suppress on a daily basis.

It sometimes surprises me how much my writing resonates with people - it seems there really are certain experiences that are common to many people. So what was originally intended as catharsis for me seems to be catharsis for everyone. Think of me as your therapeutic angry pill - to be taken daily or as required. If symptoms of personal anger persist, venting via comments or on your own blog is recommended - it does wonders for me.

And the haters and other intolerant pricks can take the angry pill as a suppository for all I care. Fuck you in the neck with an angry pill you fucking losers.

Now, the looking forward bit I've done at each 100 post milestone. At the 100 mark, I said I'd start podcasting and I actually took it one step further and started doing videos. At the 200 mark, I said I'd do live performances and I've done that. So now I think I have to set myself a real challenge for the next 100 posts. This time I really have to take it to the next level.

So, before my 400th post, my goal is to actually make money or sign a significant deal with somebody I don't already know. I have a few ideas that I'll be exploring via the blog over the coming weeks. Because, at this point, I can't think of a blog money-making venture that isn't at least a little intrusive (i.e. some form of advertising or endorsement) I'll be looking for some honest feedback from my trusted regulars on how much different plans are likely to piss you off. I'd rather keep doing this for nothing and maintain my readership than make some money but lose my core audience.

Also, feel free to toss any money-making ideas my way! But most important, stick with me. There's no way I would have kept going this long without the regular support of my readers so I don't intend to forget you when I'm famous :) I'm maintaining my promise to visit everyone's town on my inaugural world tour so keep your eye out for the tour dates!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Methodology Wars

A sure fire way to set off a full scale geek war is to promote one software development methodology over another. Online behaviour being what it is, methodology wars usually take the form of tearing down an "opposing" methodology rather than promoting the preferred methodology in isolation. This approach serves two purposes; first, highlighting things you see as wrong is often a good way to clarify your point about what is right. Second, it's a great way to attract attention and inflame passions.

Back in the day, operating system wars were all the rage and arguments over Windows vs. *nix vs. Apple left blood on the wall of many an IT department. The operating systems wars are far from resolved but methodology wars are a far sexier topic these days.

For a few years now, advocates of Agile methodology have been evangelising it as the cure to all ills (as a side note, it's interesting how this topic lends itself to political and religious terminology - ideology, war, evangelists). One of the things the Agile movement has in its favour is a fairly significant mindshare in the IT set and a commensurate share of shelf space in the IT section of bookshops. One of Agile's biggest problems is its supporters have trouble pointing to any large scale successes. By definition, Agile works best with small teams. In the real world, 90% of IT workers work in big IT departments. I'm not about to rush to the defence of huge bureaucracies but changing the structure of a company based on an unproven theory is a tough sell.

Another plus for Agile is its proponents are usually very good at identifying the shortcomings of existing processes and methodologies. The downside is often, again, that real-world success with Agile methodologies is more difficult to attain than the glowing manifestos tend to suggest. The tendency of Agile proponents to respond to failures by saying "You didn't do it right" doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in non-devotees. Surely if it is such a panacea it shouldn't be so hard to implement?

At the end of the day, the right methodology is the one that works. Slavish adherence to any development dogma is going to get you into trouble (I could argue the same for actual religious dogma but that would probably get me into even more trouble than questioning Agile - if such a thing were possible.) The real world doesn't fit into neat boxes and anyone who tries to arbitrarily fit diverse situations into the same box (because that's what you should do, dammit!) is headed for a world of pain. And reflexively blaming failures on the... ummm, box-maker (taking a metaphor too far is a mistake) almost always undermines your credibility rather than advancing your cause.

Agile proponents often suggest the only alternatives are the twin evils of "waterfall" or "Big Design Up Front" (BDUF). Traditionally, the waterfall method assumes development is completely linear process. A business case is developed and thrown over the wall to a designer and/or Business Analyst. A spec is written and thrown over a wall to a software designer. A software spec is written and thrown over a wall to a programmer. A solution is developed and thrown over a wall to a tester. The system is tested then thrown to users. Anyone who thinks that such a process can deliver anything workable without making all participants' lives a misery is far scarier than the most wild-eyed Agile evangelist.

In such a complex process as software and system development arguing that you can define ahead of time when any of the stages will be "done" and never need revisiting is tantamount to insanity. It certainly has no tangible relationship to reality. In any development cycle, each stage is likely to reveal something new or some additional complexity that wasn't considered in the previous stage. Sometimes this will mean revisiting a previous stage to clarify the way forward and sometimes it means an extension to the time for the current stage to be completed. If a methodology isn't fluid enough to allow for these variations then it is doomed to fail.

Full disclosure time: Disclosure 1 - I'm a proponent (broadly) of what Agile fans derisively call BDUF, so long as the disclaimers are in place that allow it to be an iterative process. I subscribe to the crazy idea that if you don't have a clear idea of what you're trying to do before you start programming (i.e. do at least some Big Design Up Front) then how the hell do the programmers know if they're doing the right thing? I'm also a believer in having faith in each person involved in the process so I like to keep the process fluid. When one person discovers an issue that hasn't been thought of up to that point, the process has to be fluid enough to cope with this (e.g. it must be possible to revisit design decisions and re-write specs when necessary).

Disclosure 2: I don't have a great depth of knowledge of Agile. I read quite a bit on the topic, usually from Agile advocates but I don't have real-world experience of using the process. Personally, I can see lots of promise in the Agile approach so long as the participants are open-minded and the workplace has the resources to dedicate to the required training. Religious evangelism of Agile makes me uncomfortable and sometimes it seems absurdly easy to pick the zealots apart.

I read the Signal vs. Noise blog of the 37 Signals crowd quite often and I think they offer some excellent advice to smaller organisations. I also think they have a tendency to promote their pro-Agile views as universal truths that will work anywhere. When pressed (for instance, in critical comments) they will add the disclaimer "yeah, this might not work everywhere" but it would be a lot less annoying if they added this qualifier up front. Glibly asserting that your methods are universally applicable when they clearly aren't provides ammunition for your opponents - don't give them a free shot.

At this point, I'd like to add a disclaimer: The 37 Signals guys are probably much smarter (and richer) than me and definitely develop some very good products. If I was running a startup I would definitely listen to what they say but for anyone in large organisations, a grain of salt is recommended.

Couching this discussion in religious terms is intended to have more than a humourous effect (although hopefully it added some humour). Much like I would run a mile from an evangelical politician who zealously pursued his goal to introduce a theocratic state, I try very hard to avoid people who obsessively seek to install a methodology ahead of worrying about achieving practical results.

I've seen enough examples of disasters to believe that it's almost impossible to successfully implement an even moderately complex system without some formal methodology in place. "Flying by the seat of your pants" is not a way of life I aspire to. But when the tools start to take ascendency over the end result, it's usually time for a reality check.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Last Rehearsal before my second live gig

So I'm venturing out to a second open mic night tonight - wish me luck. Here's a video of my final rehearsal.

My Best Video Ever

I really do think this is my best video ever - because it's all of my videos. The first 100 anyway. This took FOREVER to edit. I'm usually my own harshest critic but I actually really like how this turned out. I'm hoping by the time I do 200 (and I thoroughly intend to do that) I'll be making money and be able to pay someone else to edit the next highlight reel. It's 15 minutes but you only have to maintain your attention for ten second bursts, it's the best of both worlds.

Oh, and I take my mask off at the end too.



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8karvfqR_HI

Monday, October 09, 2006

A Video Endurance Test

My YouTube subscribers kept asking me to post a long video and I kept thinking it was a bad idea. In the end I decided to call their bluff and posted this 20 minute video of me conducting a rambling monologue on my way to work. And it seems they like it. Weird.

Personally, I only recommend it to people suffering from insomnia. Or maybe they could screen it on an endless loop to prisoners at Gitmo. Nahhhh, not even the CIA are that cruel.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0zkwVlTedU

Melbourne Fringe Festival Recommendations That Saved My Sanity

If you want an indication of how screwed up I managed to get over this past weekend, check out my 100th YouTube video that I posted to this blog over the weekend. In most of the videos I make, the mood is either exaggerated or outright faked. Not this one. That's exactly how goddam angry I was at that point. Fortunately, my sanity was saved by seeing some of the shows in the Melbourne Fringe Festival.

These were the shows I have mentioned previously that I saw in rehearsal a couple of weeks ago. "Mule" has finished its run but the comedy shows are running through until this Sunday (October 14th). A good laugh was exactly what I needed to get me out of the shitty mood I had descended into because of video editing issues. Lucky for me, these shows provided plenty of laughs. So as a public service announcement, Mr Angry gives you the inside dope: if you're lucky enough to be in Melbourne over the next week and need cheering up, check out these shows. Also, if you're already in a good mood but like a laugh, these shows are a must-see.

Dave Bushell's "I Can't Help Myself" (details and bookings here) has gone up a level in energy since I saw it in rehearsal. How a 20 years old Australian manages to play an American twice his age so convincingly I don't know, but he does it. There's even the added authenticity of the pre-show warmup guy to get the audience in the mood. Dr Alex McFarlane wrote the only self-help book you'll ever have to read. And fortunately for all of us, he wrote several sequels as well.

Tommy Dassalo's "The Universe is Parmigiana" (details and bookings here) present a grand unifying theory just in time. I hear string theory is almost discredited so maybe those scientists should be eating more parma. At one point in the show Tommy mentioned being nervous because, at 20, this was his first full length solo show. Yeah, all he's done up to this point is come runner up in a national standup competition and put on an award-winning two person show ("I Heart Racism" with Dave Bushnell). What's taken you so long to get it together you under-achieving bastard?

Dave Thornton's "What... Me Worry?" (details and bookings here) is proof Mad magazine isn't as litigious as Dave once thought. Dave's laid-back style is completely engaging and very Oz (Australian audiences - think Carl Barron but 15 years younger). His life's journey as related onstage includes his letter from the Queen and his email from the Dalai Llama and, if you're really lucky, he'll show you the mark left on his butt from when he ran with the bulls in Pamplona.

I think therapists call this a "coping strategy". I managed to deal with some major setbacks that were really pissing me off by, dare I say it, actually getting a life and going out. There was a point on Saturday night when I was most definitely feeling like a complete failure. Thanks to the diversion provided by these shows along with the voice of sanity in my life, I came through OK. This voice, by the way, is not one of the voices in my head that I've referred to multiple times in the past. None of those voices are sane.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

My 100th YouTube video

It's official - I need to get a life.



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RXezvLCYW8

The Angry News - Man of Straw

UK Cabinet Minister Jack Straw actually seems like a decent politician but I can't help thinking that he's recent comments suggesting that Muslim women should remove their veils are a bit of a publicity grab. It's a bit of a coincidence he shooses to say this right when the leadereship of the Labor party is going to change .



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwI4pFv_0r0

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Video Time!

How's you day? Mine's been fucked. Here's some videos, so cheer up. I did and I was really pissed off before.

This first one is this week's post for The Blogging Times:



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3neAmUBl4A

This next one is another installment for The Angry News:



The URL for this video is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSc4lR0_Whs

In a disturbing turn of events, an increasing number of YouTube viewers are saying they are hearing about these news stories from me first. The world really is going to hell in a handbasket if I'm a reliable news source.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Angry News - It's Nuke Time

I have one simple desire - that one week would go by without some news that makes it seem like the apocalypse is coming. This is my news report on the latest evidence that this isn't going to happen any time soon.



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNvjFLNjRDk

The Top 5 Issues Facing IT Today

Working in IT seems to be a constant game of "two steps forward, one step back." And that's on the good days. On other days it's most definitely one step forward, two steps back, get tripped over by the person you didn't see sneaking up behind you and have your face stepped on while lying on the ground.

Thinking about the problems faced by the IT industry, they fall into two categories that I'll call micro-threats and macro-threats. Micro-threats are the problems faced by individual workers within the workplace. This might not seem like an issue for the industry overall, but if individual workplace are held back by dysfunctional practices then ultimately the industry as a whole suffers. Macro-threats are the big issues that, if not quite industry-wide, have the effect of stifling or even crippling whole sectors. While it often seems impossible to do anything about these big issues on an individual level, if they aren't recognised and addressed, we all suffer.

So here are my top five:

1. The Stifling of Innovation - IT almost by definition is about innovation; the only constant in this industry is change. The industry is worth more than US$2.5 Trillion annually worldwide and yet faces constant attempts to thwart its continued success.

Whether it's the lies of the entertainment industry, cynical people building business strategies around patents rather than actual innovation (or even work), Microsoft (and others) spreading Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt about their competitors or Apple (and others) pursuing increasingly spurious lawsuits to "protect" their businesses, it has the same effect. Comparatively tiny vested interests are threatening the continued growth and prosperity of the vast majority. Until we stop seeing this bullshit as "good business" and recognise it for what it is - a shakedown - everyone's future is at risk.

2. The obsession with technologies and methodologies over results - the fundamental disconnect between a technologist and a business person often comes down to focus. We geeks love our gadgets. A Southern Baptist preacher aint got nothin' on a hardcore geek evangelising about his favourite technology. Here's a hard fact for many IT people: the right technology is the one that gets the job done. The average business person has no interest in the programming language, operating system, hardware or methodology that you believe is the one true path to the promised land.

That's if you're lucky - in my experience, there's nothing worse than a business person who has arbitrarily decided that one technology is better than another. If you're convinced that your favoured technology and methodology is the best, prove it with results, not rhetoric. Religious arguments are bad enough when they're about religion; elevating technology to the level of religion is counter-productive and downright scary.

3. Arrogance - Here's a tip: if you're trying to explain technology to someone and they don't seem to understand, treating them like they're stupid isn't going to help anyone, you least of all. It doesn't matter if they really are stupid, the IT industry's reputation for arrogance has been earned by the frequent misapplication of grossly unjustified arrogance from many IT practitioners. And if you think arrogance makes you "strong", just stay the hell away from me you sociopathic jerk. Besides making average(non-arrogant) geeks' life a misery, quite a few major companies have been destroyed due in no small part to arrogance.

Napster probably should have been a huge commercial success, it could have opened the door for huge new revenue streams for record companies and artists. But Shawn Fanning's extraordinary arrogance turned him into his greatest potential customers' mortal enemy. It's true that the record companies seem to be controlled by greedy old white guys who run their business like the mafia. They might have gone after Napster if Fanning had been as sweet as pie but his attitude in the early days pretty much sealed his fate. By the time he had been sufficiently coached to act like a grownup it was too late.

4. Hype over Substance - There's no getting around it, IT is exciting. The rate of change and the explosion in computing power have opened so many possibilities it's dizzying. Sometimes literally. It seems that "irrational exuberance" is an occupational hazard in IT. Sure, it's a great way to get media attention and investment capital but it seriously hurts your credibility if you can't deliver on the hyperbole.

Have you ever noticed that overhyped "world-changing" technologies almost always fail utterly? (the Segway springs to mind). And the truly life-changing things seem to sneak up on us. In retrospect we can see how great they are but they weren't heralded by trumpets from the heavens. The iPod was unveiled as a great product but I don't recall outlandish claims about how Apple would sell millions, create an entire new market and essentially rejuvenate the entire company with a bloody portable music player. If Jobs had introduced the iPod by predicting the sales figures Apple have actually achieved in the years since, he would have been a public laughing stock.

5. Constantly focusing on "the now". While IT development is arguably about creating the future, I'm always astonished at how many colossal screw-ups are perpetrated by thinking only about the current moment in time. The Y2K issue was created by programmers deliberately introducing an appalling limitation into systems essentially because it wasn't a problem for them - someone would fix it in the future. Arguably, this turned out to be true but this issue is a perfect illustration of how short sighted thinking in IT has long term consequences.

This can also be seen in how people tend to discuss the current stars in the IT environment at any given time. The number of discussions running rampant at the moment about the disproportionate power of Digg are utterly ridiculous. Digg came out of literally nothing a very short time ago. The very fact they exist and have achieved prominence so quickly is evidence that Digg is likely to be irrelevant long term. There is every possibility that a different, better service will eclipse Digg in the future. But far too often, analysis of these topic seem to be based on the idea that the status quo of today will never shift. Because Digg (or YouTube or MySpace or even Google) is so dominant today, they will always be dominant and it's pointless to even try to compete with them. This simply isn't true but you hear it again and again.

- - -

For each of the above examples it would be easy to cite examples of companies and individual who have triumphed over these threats (and hopefully people will provide some in the comments). The fact that these threats can be successfully fought doesn't invalidate this article, that's the whole point of the article. Knowing what issues you face is the first step in dealing with them (that's the analyst in me talking). Ignoring threats or worse still, being totally ignorant of the threats you face is playing Russian Roulette. And sooner or later you're going to spin up the wrong chamber.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Why Blogging is going to get me fired one day

I have known for some time it's almost inevitable that one day I will pay the price for the fabulous indulgence that is blogging (I'm including my video activity under the broad heading of blogging). It's not so much that I'm doing anything particularly wrong but the job market here is small, conservative and gossipy. Staying pseudo-anonymous helps but at some point someone will put the effort into unmasking me. I've pissed off Nazis, Alan Jones fans and probably heaps of others I'm not even aware of. And then there are the "fans" who develop an obsession with who's behind the mask (this is mostly a YouTube thing).

Being "dooced" is a bigger issue for me than it is for some simply because I get paid reasonably well and I'm risking all that. Coming to terms with this meant I had to make a choice: be willing to lose my job and potentially suffer a reduction in earnings long-term or give up blogging. Fuck that shit! I'll always be able to work enough to get by and money alone simply isn't as fulfilling as being Mr Angry. Mr Angry is good for my health too, I'm sure: spraying bile online at every fucking moron who deserves it has definitely made me much less angry in everyday life. I've put off a stress-induced stroke by at least 5 years.

Plus, I'm taking the long view. I truly believe I can develop something out of all this mucking about that can be a new career for me. There are a number of ways I could go and now that I've seen these possibilities there's no way I'm giving them up because of some conservative fuckwit.

I like comparing this whole "Web 2.0" phase of the internet with the dotcom bubble of the 90s (me and about a million other people like doing this). I missed out completely on getting in the door on any big deals the first time around and I don't intend to make the same mistake this time. I reckon we're at about 1998 right now - serious money is coming into the game but it isn't totally insane yet. 1999 is where it gets insane and 2000 is where it all comes down in a screaming heap. I truly believe that there doesn't have to be a horrible crash this time but just in case, I want to achieve something before it's too late.

Without even planning to, I've managed to come into contact with some very talented and (possibly more important) connected people. I'm more than a little amazed that they're interested in working with me, but there you go. Doing the daily "Angry News" bulletins was an idea I had that might be translatable into other ventures. I started doing it before I was officially asked to something similar because it's a challenge for me in two ways. One, doing it every day takes quite a bit of discipline. Two, telling any sort of "story" in a video in less than a minute is very hard for me. I can easily do nonsense pieces less than a minute long but when I'm trying to get a point across I always want to go into detail. This skill is an important one for me to develop.

Anyway, all of the above was meant to be a one paragraph introduction to the following. Reasons I know blogging will get me fired one day:

1. Someone at work will find out. It isn't that what I'm doing online is actually breaking any rules or directly insulting anyone I work with. I just think discovering it would freak out people I work with for two reasons: one, they would find it hard to separate the "real" me from the scary freakishness that is Mr Angry. Two, even though I haven't mentioned them in the blog so far, I think they'd always be paranoid that I would mention them eventually.

2. I'll forget I'm at work when dealing with a stupid email. I'll answer some bozo at work the same way I'd answer a bozo in blog comments or on YouTube. The response would start with "what the fuck is your problem?"

3. I'll forget people at work don't always appreciate direct honesty. I don't pull any punches online. I call a spade a fucking shovel. This doesn't always go down well at work. I can just imagine the day at work when I'm a little tired and/or distracted and someone asks me what I think of their suggestion and I'll answer "that's the stupidest thing I've heard in ages." I actually did something like this a few years ago. It's amazing how career limiting it is to tell the boss's brother that his idea is stupid.

4. I'll walk into a meeting humming the Angry Aussie theme music. This isn't too bad in itself but it always puts me in the "zone". Someone will ask me what I'm humming and I'll be in a gangsta frame of mind which will lead me to respond with something like "It's the Mr Angry theme! You'd best represent beeatch!"

5. It won't seem worth it to not get fired. We all have days at work when we fight down certain urges that we know would get us fired. I can imagine a time when everything's going really well with blogging and at the same time everything is really shitty at work. Some dickhead will push me too far at work and I'll decide it isn't worth it any more. But, damn, I'll go out in a blaze of glory. I'll make sure everyone hears me say "You know what? You're a fucking moron and I don't feel like putting up with your shit any more."

I'm really hoping I maintain complete control over things and actually quit on good terms when the time is right. But you know what? The single best thing to come out of blogging for me is the crystal clear revelation that some things are way more important than scrabbling for a living in a "regular" job. Life's too fucking short to worry about crap like that.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

John Stewart is ripping me off!

Well, not really. But I did just see on The Daily Show that he did the exact same joke about that scumbag Republican Mark Foley that I did the other day for The Angry News video "Republican Sex Shenanigans." He used the line that Foley had sponsored legislation to protect minors from online predators "so he could have them all to himself."

Quite frankly, this rocks. It might not have been the best joke in the world but it was good enough for the Daily Show. That makes me think I might have a future.

Coincidentally, this really illustrates the pointlessness of the non-story from a few weeks ago where some people were saying The Colbert Report ripped off ZeFrank. It's simple folks - if you come up with an obvious joke about a current event, you won't be the only one who comes up with it.

The Angry News - Ignorant Aussies

Say it isn't so: a survey has revealed widespread ignorance amongst Australians regarding Indonesia. For those who don't know, Indonesia is the world's most populous Muslim nation and is extremely important to the politics in this part of the world. It would be nice if a few more people were at least slightly informed about things.



On the plus side (or at least providing a balance) about the same number of Indonesians displayed a similar level of ignorance about Australia. Apparently a big concern was that Australians wanted West Papua to gain freedom from Indonesian occupation and control. Trust me guys, most Australian don't know a damn thing about West Papua - a public outcry in support of the oppressed peoples is the last thing you have to worry about.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9anT3nNh3k

Matthew Churchill is Freakin' Awesome!

The heading of this post is unlikely to make much sense to anybody. It's actually part of an experiment I'm conducting - I'll explain a bit more as the experiment progresses over the next week. For a partial explanation, "Matthew Churchill" is my nom-de-blog that I used to register my blogs on Technorati. As should be obvious to everybody, I've chosen to do both this blog and my YouTube videos sort of anonymously. I say sort of because despite the fact I don't use my real name, I wear a mask and I minimise identifying details; that only works with somebody who doesn't already know me.

I don't think a stranger on the street would recognise me in passing, even if they were a regular reader/viewer. But I'd always assumed that anyone who knew me would pick me straight away. This was proved true at lunch yesterday when my boss happened to glance over my shoulder while I was on a YouTube page that showed my masked visage. She only saw it for about a nanosecond but she instantly said "Oh, is that you playing silly buggers?" The answer to which, of course, is yes.

Matthew Churchill is not the only fake name I've used online in an attempt to throw people off the trail but, because it's on Technorati, it's my most prominent false identity. And getting more prominent by the day! I am just outside the top 20,000 in Technorati, I think it will take about 3 more links to cross that particular line. It was just back in June that I was still outside the top 100,000 so huge thanks to everyone for your support. The funny thing is, so far as I can tell, this ranking means pretty much nothing. I've never seen a single referral from Technorati in my logs so this remains a shallow obsession with no real purpose. It might come in handy as an indicator of value if I try to make money out of this blog.

I am very close to a few other milestones as well. I have just passed 6 full months of blogging with at least one post every day - I'm halfway to my goal of being angry 365 days a year. Within the next week I should reach 300 posts on this blog and I'll also most likely be posting my 100th YouTube video. These numbers are all a bit freaky when I look at them. Very inconsequential in the big scheme of things but 6 months ago I had no idea if I'd ever reach this stage.

At both 100 and 200 posts I set myself a challenge for the next hundred and in both cases I've met that personal challenge. All of which makes me think I'm being too easy on myself. I'll have to put a bit of thought into the goal I set myself to reach before post 400. Make it a "stretch" goal as annoying managers are prone to say in annual performance reviews. Maybe I should aim to actually make some money out of all this work. Arguably, I've already done this. Last time I looked there was more than $9 in my Revver account!

Another achievement/piece of trivia I've learned in the past week: apparently, I've been on TV in the Netherlands. One of my YouTube subscribers sent me a message saying that he saw a story about YouTube on one of the local channels and it featured about 10-20 seconds of one of my videos. I wish I had a copy of that; call me childish but I think it would be funny to hear a Dutch voice talking over one of my videos. Very Monty Python.

So I'm being happy again rather than angry. It's all your damn fault! Yes you, the readers! I hope you're satisfied, because you are so dedicated and provide such enjoyable dialogue this bloody blog makes me happy all the time! My life is a constant struggle. I'll have to make up for that later by posting a particularly angry news bulletin.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Angry News - Republican Sex Shenanigans

It looks like the guardians of moral decency have fallen short yet again. What's the correct way to behave towards 16 year olds who work in your office? There are a few possibilities but sending them sexual text messages isn't going to do your political career any good.



I have a very low opinion of politicians generally, but I'm continually amazed at the ones who specifically set themselves up as moral guardians who then commit reprehensible acts. It seems like public grandstanding and sexual misconduct go hand in hand.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UA5Qo2coBkU

Truth in Advertising

I can't wait until I take over the world. I'm going sort out bullshit in advertising once and for all. We have laws that supposedly prohibit advertisers from telling outright lies (although they do it all the time anyway) but we need to take it further. We need to stamp out weasel words - the way advertisers are prone to use vague or even meaningless words that they can argue aren't direct lies but whose sole purpose is to deceive us.

For instance, if I see one more ad saying sugary kids' cereals are good for kids "as part of this complete breakfast" I'll fucking strangle Sam Toucan. These things aren't healthy no matter how you spin it. Full stop. The complete breakfast is a hell of a lot healthier WITHOUT the sugary additives. Personally, I like these cereals and I do let my kids have them sometimes but I want to smack the smarmy pricks who use such deceitful advertising. They should be forced to be honest: "If this is all you feed your kids, you may as well shoot them now because you're sure as shit killing them. Let them have fun occasionally but give them proper food. This stuff is a sugar hit, it doesn't meet any reasonable definition of food."

And when it comes to adults, there's the bullshit they push with "low-fat" food and snacks as well as "diet supplements" that are supposed to make you lose weight. They always throw in the line "with regular exercise and a balanced diet." Guess what? You don't need that other stuff! Just stick with the fucking regular exercise and balanced diet! I did an Angry News bulletin the other day on the latest study showing these "health" snacks are bullshit. It isn't rocket science, people! Burn more calories than you consume (or consume less calories than you burn if you prefer to look at it that way) and you'll lose weight. It's simple fucking mathematics!

Sexism in advertising is a different matter. I honestly think people tend to get too worked up about this issue. True, advertisers would probably come up with some truly horrific insults to human dignity if they had no controls placed on them but the things people tend to howl about are pretty inconsequential. Particularly when someone wants to obsess over "reverse sexism", i.e. and ad where women objectify men. Some people argue that if the behaviour was reversed (men objectifying women) it would be seen as sexist so it's automatically sexist if women are being pervy.

Bullshit.

OK, sometimes it's true but it isn't arbitrarily true in every case. If the status of women and men was equal then this argument would hold up but that simply isn't the case. Men have the upper hand in almost every power relationship. The objectification of women is far more likely to be used as a weapon to take any sense of control away from women. With men, it's far more likely that being objectified would be an ego boost. The simple fact is, in the majority of cases, men's power is not threatened by being seeing as a sex object - their power is actually increased. Conversely, treating a woman as a sex object tends to implicitly (or even explicitly) undermine her competence in any other field.

There was one dumb as shit ad for orange juice in Australia that was taken off the air because it was perceived that in the ad the women were sexist to a man. The scene was at a gym with two women perving on a man wearing orange spandex. The image was that his butt cheeks looked like firm oranges and the women were repeating some stupid chant like "yes please, let me squeeze." That wasn't sexist. It was fucking stupid, to be sure. But it's hardly likely to make many men feel victimised.

In fact, that will be my measurement for banning ads when I am supreme overlord. If it insults my intelligence, it's gone. Are you using weasel words to suggest some benefit that doesn't exist? Are you making irrelevant shit up? Are you using some computer graphics to suggest you have proved a point when you've obviously done no such thing? Is your ad just flat out stupid? Meet these criteria and I'll yank your ad. And the people will rejoice.

The Angry News - PowerPoint Virus

I missed an Angry News bulleting, so there will be two today! The piece of news covers the story that show Microsoft's PowerPoint is even more evil than I previously imagined - now you can get damaging viruses by opening a PowerPoint presentation.



Obviously, my answer for improved security is to ban PowerPoint altogether.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fXhO-ipPiU

Monday, October 02, 2006

Melbourne Fringe Festival Recommendations from Mr Angry

Here in Melbourne, the city that fancies itself as Australia's arts capital, it's Fringe Festival time. There are quite a few events here during the year that allow for much entertainment to be had, the Fringe is one where you can often find up-and-comers who will one day be world famous. Or at least be on TV. And then you can tell everyone how cool you are because you saw them before they were famous.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I was lucky enough to see some previews a few weeks ago of shows that are in the Fringe. They were all really good, so here are the details I promised to provide:

What... Me Worry (Dave Thornton). Of the shows I saw, this was the only one I'd classify as a "traditional" standup performance - one man spending an hour telling you funny stories. This bloke is pure Oz; a laid back, entertaining storyteller with a great sense of timing and his own view of the world. Dave covers everything from dealing with stress by entering the running of the bulls in Pamplona to why he wants to be a Jedi. He's performing at the Terminus Hotel in Abbotsford each night with ticket prices ranging from $10 to $16.

The Universe is Parmigiana (Tommy Dassalo). You know you're in for an interesting time when your host wants to relate a philosophy that revolves around Chicken Parmagiana. With Tommy, the humble "Parma" is not just Australia's quintessential pub food, it's possibly the most significant achievement of the human race. Plus I'm an instant fan of anybody who can work Wikipedia jokes into their show. Tommy is performing at the North Melbourne Town Hall with ticket prices from $13.50 - $16.50.

I Can't Help Myself (Dave Bushell). Dave brings us American celebrity self-help guru Dr. Alex McFarlane. In an hour that promises to help us kick a goal on the Field of Life, Dr Alex will tell you five things that will change your life. Despite the fact that the good doctor may need a little more work on his own personal life. Dave is performing at the North Melbourne Town Hall with ticket prices from $12 - $15.

Dave Bushell and Tommy Dassalo got a lot of attention and the Special Commendation award for Best Comedy when performing as a duo in their show "I Heart Racism" at last year's Fringe Festival. I saw that show earlier this year at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and it was really good and a crowd favourite. The good news is that both of their solo shows for this year's fringe are even better.

Which pretty much brings me to my "angry" angle for this piece (in case anybody was wondering what made me angry about these shows). Watching a couple of smartarse 20-year-olds doing so well totally pisses me off. I feel like a chronic under-achiever.

As I've mentioned before, these shows are all directed by my old college mate, Adrian Calear. I also saw a preview of a two-person play he's directing; a dramatic piece also well worth watching. I don't have the details of this show handy but I'll update this post when I know the details. Adrian also provided invaluable help and support to me when I had my little foray into live stand-up recently. Incidentally, I'm trying my luck again next Tuesday night so feel free to throw in more suggestions as to what material I should use this time. I'll be doing something completely different to last time, at the moment I'm leaning towards one of my traffic rants.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Angry News - Woodward Grows a Pair

Remember how the Watergate scandal was broken by two journalists by the Washington Post? The one who was ultimately seen as the "real" journalist, the crusader fighting the good fight was Bob Woodward. He wrote a few books over the year and generally maintained his reputation. Then he wrote two toadying books saying what a hero George W Bush was and how great his administration was.

Apparently, his integrity wasn't that important to him. He just bent over and said "Give it to me hard, Georgie-boy!" Well, it seems that W isn't too generous on the reach around because now Woodward is all pissed off at him and his new book "State of Denial" is considerably less generous than the previous two. Here's my Angry News report on the story:

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ha0yUAmuTO4

Cute Overload - Little Angries on a sugar rush

This video is a little different - it was actually fully scripted by the little angries, mainly my daughter. They are fascinated by both my blog and YouTube videos even though, for obvious reasons, I don't let them see or read most of what I do. There's this once a year event in Melbounre (and in fact in most Australian cities) called "The Show". I don't know how to trasnlate this for overseas readers... a State Fair in the US maybe.

Anyway, the got a big bag of sugar known as a "show bag" and were a little hyper when the got home (their mum took them). Eventually, this idea came out:

Yes, they have their own masks. We made them a while ago as a craft project. This is perfectly normal behaviour, all families do it. Stop looking at me like that!

The URL for this video is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TSHTzbdm0s

Saturday, September 30, 2006

The Angry News - Helping the New York Times

The New York Times is a reputable newspaper but I think I can help them improve - they need to simplify their reporting as per my suggestion in this Angry News Bulletin:



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT_zGl9Frkg

The Blogging Times - Microsoft go social with Wallop

Here's this week's post for The Blogging Times. Microsoft have chosen to enter the "social networking" web space with their offering which they've named "Wallop". This sector is already overcrowded and some people have questioned what Microsoft thinks they will achieve here. Let me explain it for you:



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7yCTMXGPUs

Friday, September 29, 2006

The Angry News - Free Fall Madness

Here's my take on a news story about French surgeons conducting surgery on a specially fitted out plane that allowed them to simulate zero gravity.



This was done to "advance medical science". The people involved argue that it showed surgery in space is viable (e.g. on a space station). I think they just got really stoned and had a conversation that started:

"Duuuuuuude, you know what would be really awesome? Operating in zero gravity!"

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LouMNPEeCu8

In Praise of an Average Career

From time to time, I'm sure most people ask themselves the question "What am I doing with my life?" Why am I stuck in this dead end job? Don't I deserve better? Why aren't I writing that great novel? I should be trekking the Himalayas. I've never been to Paris in the springtime. In the IT world we seem to be constantly asking ourselves “Why aren’t I working on the next killer app that will change the world?”

Most of the literature I've read on this subject seems to contain the implicit message "It's because you suck." True, I haven't found anyone honest enough to actually phrase it that way but they do tend to say you aren't achieving greatness because you aren't trying hard enough. To an extent, that's true but if you really look at it as a logical proposition it doesn't hold up.

Greatness is a comparative term - high achievers look good because their accomplishments are so far above everybody else's. If everyone moves closer to greatness, the measure of what is great moves further away by definition. Even if everyone continually improves, only a small percentage will ever be regarded as truly great because they're great in comparison to everyone else.

This is not a clarion call encouraging people to be wilfully mediocre (or worse) but I am calling into question the attitude that "I will not be happy unless I am the greatest in my chosen field." It's good to aspire to improve but if we're all supposed to obsess about being the best then the unavoidable fact is 98% of us are going to end up disappointed. This attitude seems more prevalent in the IT industry than others. I remember a quote from the late 90's dotcom boom that the speaker doubtless thought was insightful and inspirational: "I don't want my obituary to say: He improved the company's e-commerce efficiency by 5%"

The only thing that pisses me off more that that sort of fatuousness is someone in a black turtle-neck and trendy glasses telling me the reason I think their concept sucks is because "I don't get it." When you look at it objectively, at least 80% of IT jobs are limited to this sort of achievement. IT development isn't a never-ending series of epiphanies and flashes of brilliance. For most people, most of the time, it's a long, slow grind. If more and more people achieve what they thought would be "life changing" moments then, conversely, less and less things will seem like they actually are life changing.

At some point, this perpetual urging towards greatness crosses over from being inspirational / aspirational to being downright cruel. I think everyone should always be looking for ways to improve and even the crappiest job can give a sense of satisfaction if done well. But face it - we aren't all going down in history and that fact alone shouldn't make us feel like failures.

This line of thinking was inspired by some recent articles that showed a "best of the best" approach being deployed in the real world to pretty impressive effect. At the smaller end of town, Joel Spolsky's posts on hiring processes at his company show a very well thought out way to get what he sees as the best people working for him. A post from Steve Yegge shows this quest for excellence being deployed on a huge scale at Google. It starts off by slagging off Agile development (which is really funny if you're a nerd like me) but the meat of it is a description of working practices at Google.

While Yegge's piece is my new favourite piece of writing on software development, it's also a little depressing. Just coming to terms with how far my work environment is from Google is tough. I'm not motivated enough to get a job at Google (arguably I'm not talented enough but I prefer to live in denial) and very few other workplaces will ever be run in a similar manner to Google. When I read of the "perks" etc at Google it really seemed that these were fundamental to their success. Google isn't successful in spite of their programmers being spoiled (by most corporate standards), Google is successful because their programmers are spoiled.

This sort of treatment is never going to be widespread, not because it isn't economically viable (Yegge paints a convincing portrait of this as Google's very reason for economic success) but because most workplaces suck. Most bosses simply couldn't stand treating IT staff that well. The majority of IT workers will have experienced resentment from both management and non-IT staff. Sometimes it's implicit, sometimes it's overt "why are you complaining? You already earn more than everybody else." This is despite the fact that basic economics shows that a worker is unlikely to be paid well if they don't provide commensurate economic benefit to the company (I'm talking workers, not management). Google looks like the decadence of ancient Rome to tight-fisted employers.

In the end, not only are most of us not going to be as spoiled as Google workers, we won't change the world either. A far more sensible approach would be to have realistic workplace goals and maybe even look for fulfilment outside of work (god forbid!) I know many people would argue that we should always aim for lofty goals no matter how unrealistic they are. After all, isn't it better to try and fail than to never make the attempt?

I'll repeat my previous point; I'm not actively encouraging people to be deliberately mediocre. But isn't someone who sets realistic goals and maybe even helps improve the life of one or two people going to be more fulfiled than someone who spends their whole life following a series of doomed, quixotic quests to save the world? If you have it in you to be one of the very top performers in your chosen field then it's a waste to not aim for the very pinnacle. I'm a big believer in setting goals that are outside your comfort - you're never going to reach your potential without setting a few goals that scare you.

But who exactly is served if we set ourselves goals that are so far beyond what is realistically achievable we spend our lives feeling like miserable failures?

Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Angry News - To pod or not to pod?

Not much time for an into... let's just say that Apple computer is run by power-mad hypocritical wankers.



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYagnD-u9Qw

My ongoing struggle to stay angry

It isn't always easy staying angry 365 days a year. Sure, the generally fucked-up nature of the world helps, there's always something new to be angry about. But since starting this blog and, more recently, posting video to YouTube good things keep happening. Here on the blog, the dialogue I'm able to have with a broad range of people is constantly rewarding.

It's easier to stay angry on YouTube simply because it has a much higher moron quotient but even there, people are capable of making you forget about idiots. One of the higher profile users on YouTube goes by the name of Mr Safety (real name Cory). Here's very funny and quite a good film maker and he decided a while ago he liked my videos and has been quite a bit of help in promoting my work. Just the other day he took it to a new level, as shown in the following video (this is Cory's video, not mine - the first time I've featured anyone else's work on this blog):



This video had a pretty immediate effect. It took me about 3 months to get my first 100 subscribers. I got the next 50 in about 20 days. After Cory posted the above video I got about 50 subscriptions in 48 hours. The power of influential friends! Anyway, I was totally floored by Cory's generousity and thought for a while about how to respond. I decided to do something positive in return and this video explains what I decided:



After I posted this, Cory suggested I might be going a bit far. His advice was:

"I've found that deleting the bad comments isn't always the answer though if you really want to get back at them... the best way to get back at them is to leave the comment up there and let them look like an ass.

"I know with your character it's kinda hard to do this but, every time someone says something negative, just say "thanks for the comment" because more comments is what helps you in the long run :) "

So I'm not sure what I'll do now. But there's no way I'm letting these freaks get me down. I'm going to stick with being angry over inconsequential things!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Angry News - Health Update

Here's another way to make me angry - blatantly misrepresent a product. New research from Australia’s leading consumer advocate has revealed only a handful of more than 150 so-called healthy snack bars contained any real nutritional value, with many instead loaded with disturbing levels of sugar, salt and saturated fats.



Less than 10% of these fucking things marketed as "healthy" actually met healthy nutritional requirements. The quaintly named "
Nice & Natural Yoghurt Natural Nut Bar" actually has more kilojoules than a Mars bar. And I'm a real fan of the Sunibrite Muesli Slices which contain as much saturated fat as a fry-up of two bacon rashers, two fried eggs and a fried tomato.

Some negative nellies would use this as an excuse to give up: "Why try to be healthy? They're all lying to us about what they're selling." Well, that loser shit don't fly with Mr Angry. I'm taking control. I'm gonna set up a stall outside a "health food" shop frying up bacon and handing out flyers showing my bacon is healthier than their "health food bars". And god help the hippie that tries to get in my way.

The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHzOErrM5kM

For the full, awful truth, check this report from an actual newspaper:

Mars Bars as healthy as breakfast bar snacks

Get off the road!

Yesterday I made the call on my number one pet hate when driving - testosterone fuelled morons who threaten the well-being of everyone else. I have to admit, a close second for me is drivers who are overly timid and tentative. I know traffic can be an overwhelming and scary thing and a certain degree of caution is warranted, but every day I have to deal with people that give the impression they'd be more comfortable wrapped in cotton wool in and underground bomb shelter.

I also acknowledge that confidence is something you gain with experience and everyone needs to build their driving confidence with time. In fact one of the biggest problem with my number one hate (hoons) is an absolutely unwarranted level of confidence in their abilities. These cretins seem to have an inverse proportional relationship between their arrogance and their actual abilities. Having said that, I do have an issue with drivers who never seem to lose their fear of driving.

At a certain point, my advice to pathologically timid drivers is get some fucking therapy. Spend some time on the psychiatrist's couch or even stay on your own couch at home watching daytime soaps. Anything that keeps you off the goddam roads. Think about becoming a shut-in. Get a dozen cats and see how it feels. Because if you brake at a green light again in front of me I'm going to pound your fucking head into a colour chart until you understand the difference between red and green.

For people who are only a little bit timid and are looking to improve their confidence, the number one piece of advice I would offer is "learn how to read traffic." I am constantly frustrated by people who don't react to changes in traffic until the last second. The first skill of driving is learning how to deal with your immediate surroundings and being able to react but an absolutely necessary longer term skill is being able to look more than a car length in front of you.

A few examples: If there are two lanes going in your direction and you can see a block or so ahead your lane is blocked by a vehicle waiting to turn, change lanes as soon as practical, NOT AT THE LAST FUCKING SECOND. At worst, you'll cause an accident and at best you'll fuck up the flow of traffic when you have to come to a complete stop rather than fluidly moving between lanes. And people behind you often can't see past you (particularly if you're driving one of those stupid oversized 4WD pieces of shit) so you can end up causing an unnecessary banking up of really frustrated people. On the plus side, this is often a chance to broaden your vocabulary as passing motorists share their "well wishes" with you.

Another good one is when you approach an intersection, try and work out what's happening before you actually get there. Give way signs and roundabouts are not stop signs; you're only meant to stop if there's someone to give way to. At an open intersection with good visibility you should know what you're going to do before you get there - a sure way to get on my shit list is to stop unnecessarily, THEN look, THEN decide there's no traffic so you can go.

Also, when merging with traffic get a realistic idea of when you can go forward. I've seen people at intersections who seem to be waiting for someone in the next suburb to drive through before they'll go themselves. You're not going to get a written fucking invitation, you need to be a little proactive. Again, commonsense is required - visibility and the speed of traffic are variables that need to be taken into account but I'm not the only one who gets angry at people who don't go through gaps that you could run a circus parade through.

In short, if traffic scares you, you need to deal with it. If you've been driving for more than 5 years and you're still overly tentative it's time to take action. Maybe you could take an advanced driving course. Or maybe you could drink heavily before driving to calm your nerves (kids, this is a joke - don't do this!) But if you think you can't deal with it, do everyone a favour. Stay off the fucking road.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The Angry News - the new terror threat

The constantly touted spectre of Islamic jihadists just not striking terror into you any more? Do you need a new threat to worry about? Fortunately, there are "experts" out there who can be relied on to produce studies that are so stupid, they truly boggle the mind.

Thanks to the Pew Internet and American Life Project, we now know that anyone who doesn't like the internet is a terrorist. Are these people a branch of the Republican Party? "If you aren't with us, you're against us"



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oY426s22yQA

Driven insane

Everything about driving cars in cities is fucked up. There, I've said it. Someone should take all the cars off the road. It wastes a phenomenal amount of resources, it makes people fat because they drive to the shop that's a block down the fucking road instead of walking (don't even get me started about the McDonald's drive-thru) and worst of all, most people on the road CAN'T FUCKING DRIVE!

Actually, screw all that hippy shit, my only problem with cars is the number of them being driven by ignorant fuckers who shouldn't be let out of the house, let alone on the road. Any time I feel insignificant I just go for a drive because I start to feel like I'm the centre of the universe simply because it can't be a coincidence that every other car on the road is trying to ruin my fucking life! My car does not have the button next to the ignition that switches my brain off while I'm driving - why does every other fucking car seem to have this function?

At least there's variety - there's no single stupid thing other drivers do to piss me off. I get every single colour of the stupidity rainbow whenever I drive to work. Some drivers are aggressive and obnoxious, some are timid and tentative and some of them apparently suffered a traumatic head injury recently. I'm all for rehabilitation but if you've lost the majority of your cognitive ability (as seems to be the case with the idiots I see every day) then thinking you can drive a car competently is a little, shall we say, optimistic.

It's really hard for me to pick the type of idiot driver that pisses me off. The aggressive ones are probably the worst simply because they're more likely to kill people. These types seem to be male about 90% of the time and under 25 about 75% of the time (although there are exceptions - that 70 year old lady who screamed at me the other day to "get out of my fucking way if you aren't gonna go at least 90" seemed pretty serious). They zip in and out of lanes, cutting people off, they ride your back bumper, they floor it if they get 5 metres of open space in front of them and then slam on the brakes 2 seconds before they hit someone (if you're lucky).

These dicks make everyone's life a misery. In Australia, there are actually lots of laws aimed specifically at giving cops an excuse to nail these idiots; they're normally known as "anti-hoon" laws. I'm usually not in favour of expansion of police powers but fuck these guys. When they do get pulled up for driving like idiots in their unroadworthy cars with their shit music playing on their stereos at headache inducing volumes they say something like: "Aw moite, thees ees persekewshen. Nuffin wrong wif moi cah - it's fully sic moite." That might not translate well, but that's how Australian hoons talk.

We need a way to make it easier for cops to spot these pricks with too much testosterone and not enough brains and I think I know what it is. Cars should be fitted with a cannon that fires LED "throwies" (look it up if you've never heard of them) so every time on of these pricks charges straight through a give way sign or tries to run you off the road you can mark their car. You thought I was going to say the cannon should fire missiles, didn't you? Don't worry, it crossed my mind.

Everyone should have a limited number of throwies (say, three a month) in order to limit abuse of the system. That way you'll save them for some arsehole who really deserves them. And if the cops spot a car with more than about half a dozen throwies attached they can pull them over and take their car away. The car doesn't need to be doing anything wrong when the cop stops them, the throwies are considered evidence enough that this yob is too much of a dickhead to be allowed to drive.

There will obviously be some "false positives" but you know what? After the drive I had this morning I don't give a shit. Anything to get a few fucking cars off the road.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The Angry News - because everyone else is lying to you

I've decided to provide a new service to my video viewers - The Angry News. Because you can't trust media outlets, I'm going to bring you the truth behind the stories of the day. This format is the product of a number of suggestions from YouTube viewers and blog readers. I'm going to try and do a one-minute story every day - I have a tendency to go on for longer than that usually.

I've had a suggestion this format might be useful for another website so I thought I'd practice - it might open up new opportunities. I'll let you know more than mysterious hints when I know something for sure.

This first edition of The Angry News answers the big news question of the day: is Osama dead?



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzFN_8kE1YE

March of the Penguins

It feels like a while since I've really gone off about something that's utterly inconsequential but today's the day. I am sitting at my desk freezing my fucking arse off right now because the office air conditioning is completely screwed. What is it with office air conditioning? It never seems to be right, it's either too hot or too cold.

Everybody else here seems more sensitive to it than me and they complain about it more than me but today I am actually shivering from the cold. Now, a certain someone in my life might start to think that some of this is self-inflicted. One of my more unusual habits is to enjoy my favourite caffeinated beverage in a large glass full of ice. Even in the middle of winter. On more than one occasion she has noticed me shivering while downing said concoction which is more ice than drink.

"Are you shivering?"

"Ummmm, yes."

"Is it because of that drink full of ice?"

"Ummmm, yes."

"Then why don't you stop adding so much ice to it?"

"Ummmm, because I like it this way."

I know it's dumb. But I don't smoke (ever) or drink alcohol (usually) so I feel like I need one really dumb habit. And besides, that isn't the issue at work. There's no freezer here (curses!) so I don't get to enjoy my drink with ice. It's just the goddam blasts of arctic air coming out of the vent above my head. I'm starting to think the building administrator went and saw that documentary "March of the Penguins" and is trying to recreate the mood here.

So I'm sitting inside AND wearing a jacket and I'm still fucking freezing. I think I maybe need to visit some right-wing political blogs. Or deal with the nazi comments on YouTube. I'll use the boiling of my blood to keep warm.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Mr Angry goes Post-Modern

Here's what happens when I think about things for too long. A while back I had the idea of exposing myself on YouTube as a fake because a few people had commented that they thought my stuff was too good for an amateur. It's a very nice compliment but then I thought maybe what I need was some controversy - if I started a rumour that I was fake, maybe it would attract lots of viewers trying to work out who I really was.

So I invented another YouTube account with the user name ProudReb. The sole purpose of ProudReb was to expose AngryAussie as a fake. I actually couldn't be bothered putting much effort into it but when I did the video discussing LonelyGirl15 being fake, I thought about doing another ProudReb video exposing me as a fake. Then I got a bit of a surprise when a previous ProudReb video showed up next to the LonelyGirl15 video as a "related video". This settled it for me, I was going to do another ProudReb video.

So here's ProudReb exposing AngryAussie:



Then I noticed some of my regular viewers had been leaving angry comments for ProudReb and I got worried that if they bought into the story they would get pissed off at me when my "lie" was revealed. So despite the fact I did an in-character rebuke to ProudReb I wrote in the description for the video that it was all a joke and it's me doing it. I probably should have apologised for the appalling attempt at a southern US accent as well.

Here's AngryAussie's response to ProudReb:



So hopefully people read the video description and know I'm joking. Or maybe I will actually generate some controversy and become really famous. In that case, fuck anybody's feelings.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

LonelyGirl15 and YouTube

I'm guessing that everybody online (and a hell of a lot of people offline) has heard of the LonelyGirl15 story. Essentially, what was touted as the personal vlogs of a 15/16 year old girl was a series of fictional pieces created by professional film producers. LonelyGirl15 has the most subscribers of anyone on YouTube by a massive margin - over 40,000 subscribers and the videos have been viewed more than 3 & 1/2 million times. The vast majority of people subscribing to her videos thought they were genuine when they subscribed but a lot of people started to suspect all was not how it seemed before too long.

There were a few telltales, many people thought the lighting was too good and consistent, others thought her "room" was just too perfect. Personally, the things I saw as giveaways were that it would be close to impossible for her to keep the videos secret from her parents (as was supposedly the case) and the storyline running through the videos was simply too clearly defined and too linear. Life doesn't have a "story arc" the same way that a TV show does. LonelyGirl15's story was too "Dawson's Creek" to be true.

In the end, some very determined sleuthers found incontrovertible evidence that the videos were fake. The first big piece of the puzzle was someone discovering the lonelygirl15.com domain had been registered before LonelyGirl15 existed on YouTube. Suspicious. Then someone actually traced the whole thing to a high profile Hollywood agency. When this broke, the makers posted a notice on the LonelyGirl15 forum admitting that they were film makers but proclaimed that they were independent which was somehow supposed to make a difference.

There was more than a little uproar on YouTube when what was obvious to anyone with a clue was finally made official: LonelyGirl15 was a fake. Her name wasn't Bree, it was Rose. She wasn't a home-schooled 16 year old, she was a New Zealand born 19 year old aspiring actress. Honestly, the way a lot of YouTubers were outraged and professed deep hurt and betrayal was pretty fucking pathetic. Get a sense of proportion people, we're being lied to about why the Bush administration was so keen to invade Iraq - I think we might be able to agree that someone faking a few videos is pretty damn inconsequential.

Here's a video I did for YouTube explaining why I think the whole hoax is a good thing.



I'm actually disappointed that they had to "come out" earlier than they planned to. I'm interested in what they thought they were going to achieve. At some point, they were going to have to come clean and admit they were lying to everyone. To describe it as anything other than lying is being a weasley sack of shit. And unless they were deeply delusional, they must have known it would generate a pretty angry backlash.

It's a pretty weird storyline they appear to have been developing as well. Under the surface they seem to be setting up that "Bree" is a devil worshipper or something equally wacky. Some very sharp eyed observer spotted a poster of famed occultist Aleister Crowley on her wall and for a while she's been building up to a "religious ceremony" that falls on solstice and involves her learning some ancient language. Seeing as she's going to the big solstice baby eating (or whatever) ceremony this weekend, I did the following "response" video after she posted a video talking about the solstice.



Doing responses to popular videos on YouTube is a good way to get lots of views - it's pretty much leeching off someone else's popularity, something I have no hesitation in doing. I've had to responses to LonelyGirl15 accepted before and they generated about 10,000 views between them. I don't think they'll accept this one which means I won't get as many views. First, I'm not sure if they accept video responses at all now and second, the fact that I talk about "Bree" being a virgin will probably work against me.

Now I'm waiting for the next fake to be uncovered on YouTube. There will undoubtedly be more and anyone who wants to fool people will learn from the mistakes of the LonelyGirl15. The next fakes will be more subtle and will include deliberate production errors to see more "natural". And people will be even more pissed off when they get uncovered.

Angry about Net Neutrality - The Blogging Times #5

This is my 5th viceo post for the Blogging Times. This week I got more than a little peeved at the outrageous behaviour of bought and paid for US politicians spreading deliberate lies about the issue of net neutrality.



The URL for this video is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMV5zk4zNZk

Friday, September 22, 2006

Good Boss/Bad Boss

A lot of words are expended here and elsewhere on the topic of what constitutes good management and what constitutes bad management. It's fair to say there is no absolute answer to this question as the relative importance of different elements will vary depending on the perspective from which you view the situation. Working life and the decisions that affect it look different depending whether you are a skilled worker, unskilled worker, manager, finance director, CEO, shareholder, customer or omnipotent deity who gets to decide the fate of everyone's immortal soul.

The US Constitution holds certain truths to be self-evident and most people have very definite ideas on what truths of good management are self-evident. It's just a shame that exactly what is evident varies so much from self to self. The following real-life stories showing the actions of good bosses and bad bosses are told from the perspective of an IT worker but when I've shared them with others in the past, I've found that the experiences are very broadly shared.

Although the companies involved were very different, they had the following things broadly in common: they had a requirement to make a profit, losing good staff would be negative both in terms of the loss of expertise and experience as well as the costs incurred in replacing them and finally, there were certain "deliverables" expected of the department and you could objectively measure whether or not these things were delivered.

Scenario 1 - an outside entity attacks the team in a game of office politics.

Good Boss The first thing a good boss did in this situation was to treat me specifically and the team generally as grown ups who were capable of dealing with the truth. He told us exactly what was happening, what had been said and what the potential implications were. He then asked for our side of the story and if we had any evidence to support our version of events. Fortunately we did have a paper and data trail that covered our collective butts so our boss told us not to worry and went off and dealt with the situation. In short, he trusted us and recognised we were his best asset so went and represented us.

Bad Boss The worst response I have suffered from a bad boss in this type of situation is from a boss who constantly attempted to deflect criticism away from her and straight onto her team. She seemed to think that actually defending her own team was too high risk and so responded to almost every attack by automatically agreeing with the attacker and blaming an individual on the team. "Oh yeah, that Mr Angry. He's always screwing that up no matter how many times I tell him."

There are three major drawbacks to this strategy that all cowardly managers really need to consider. One, it makes you an easy target because other parts of the business realise you never mount a defence so they can blame you for everything. Two, it makes your team regard you as the enemy because they sure as hell can't trust you to be an ally. Whether you realise it or not, one day you will need their support. Three, when your scapegoat(s) eventually quit, the whole strategy falls apart when things don't get any better. If the problem doesn't go away when the person you always blamed leaves, it becomes slightly more obvious where the blame might lie.

Scenario 2 - There really is a performance problem you have to deal with

Bad Boss I'm not perfect and I have screwed things up in the past. The classic way for a bad boss to deal with this is to be punitive from the outset. This is where the boss conducts a performance review or (shudder) "counselling session" in three distinct stages. When the session starts the bad boss has already reached a negative conclusion - "You are bad for this reason." The second stage involves piling on damning "evidence" that is often arguably true but all spun to present the recipient in the worst possible light. The third and final stage is the threat, sometimes known in doublespeak as "improvement criteria" but could be more honestly described as the manager's plan for screwing the employee no matter what.

This whole process can be documented to look extremely fair. The problem is, when you make your conclusion before starting this process, everything after that is done simply to justify the conclusion already reached which sucks the fairness right out of it. If all you want to do is punish someone, go right ahead but that sort of mentality is not maintainable long term. Good (or salvageable) employees will leave for a more positive environment. Truly bad employees will make your life a misery no matter what process you follow so may as well hang onto your own integrity and deal with situations in a productive way.

Good Boss The way a good boss shows themself to be a good boss in this situation is to be open and honest. If you start with the point of view that the situation can be remedied then you're far more likely to actually reach a positive resolution. Be honest with the employee about what the issue is and why it's serious but be open to the possibility that there's something you don't know about that could paint things in a different light.

In one situation, I was called to account for not doing some paperwork that turned out to be critical for an audit. My boss dragged me in to tell me what was happening and why it was important (the fact the paperwork was missing had been discovered by an auditor who was making a big scene about it) and asked me for my side. I came clean and admitted I hadn't done it because, well, it was a pain. He took a "what's done is done" attitude and asked me how I could recover the situation. I said I could have the paperwork all done within a week and I would work with the auditor to make sure it was all OK. He accepted this and gave me a gentle "don't let it happen again" nudge. Then he told me he probably would have sacked me if I had lied about it or tried to blame someone else. He probably also would have kicked my arse if I didn't follow through on my commitment as well.

Scenario 3 - Getting staff to do what you want

Bad Boss Bad bosses almost alway try to enforce their will through fear or at least through the threat of retribution. They don't trust their staff to do well and think they have to constantly threaten them with what will happen if they don't do the right thing. The trouble with negative motivation is that it produces negative results. You might get the output you are demanding but the staff will have no emotional commitment to the work. In my experience, staff subjected to negative management approaches will find a way to make sure they are producing the bare minimum to escape negative attention.

If the staff don't care about their work, there is no motivation to reach new heights. When your motivation is solely to avoid the metaphorical stick, you can safely stop the moment you are out of the stick's reach. And don't underestimate the negative payback you will get from staff. There is no end to how devious workers will get when they feel they are being treated unfairly. At the more benign end of the scale are simple "go slow" strategies but the worse you make staff feel, the easier many people find it to justify sabotage or outright theft from the company.

Good Boss The most powerful tool at the good boss' disposal is respect. When staff respect their boss they want to earn the respect of the boss in turn. The horrible feeling of disappointing someone you want to impress is a far more powerful motivator than the threat of retribution. This does not mean a boss has to be smarter or better than employees (although that helps). It means leading with integrity, encouraging positivity and recognising achievements. Above all, it means showing respect to your staff and letting them see you treat everyone you deal with in an ethical manner.

As old fashioned as it sounds, at the end of the day being a good boss or a bad boss is an ethical choice. Many environments seem to reward negative behaviour. When the ruthless and self-interested rise more rapidly up the corporate ladder it can be hard to avoid following suit. Positive management practices promote positive outcomes, both commercially and in terms of the well-being of staff (managers included). Sociopaths sometimes get exactly what they want but no matter how much they get, they're still sociopaths. And if being the tyrant king of a steaming shitpile populated by angry, negative people is your idea of success then I guess you wasted a few minutes of your life by reading this piece.