I made myself a promise a while ago that I wouldn't indulge in the pathetic, whiny negativity exhibited by so many on YouTube by making any videos attacking specific people. Sure, I take a stand against what I see as negative behaviour (racism, general hater-ism) but I don't single out individual people and say "you suck". Which is a hard discipline to maintain because a lot of people on YouTube really, really suck and desperately need to be told to shut the fuck up.
One of the easiest ways to raise your profile on YouTube is to make a video responding to someone who is already popular. You can choose to take a positive angle - either giving them a "shout out" or make a video that in some way responds to a video they've already made (I've done the latter quite a few times). Alternatively, you could make a video attacking someone who's more popular than you.
The attack response is a guaranteed attention getter no matter who you go for. If you go after someone that has already had a significant number of people turn on them then you get all of these angry people joining in with you. If you go after someone who's more universally admired then you get attention because all of their dedicated fans will take the bait lash out at you.
Have you ever heard the idea that people who grow up getting no attention at all indulge in negative, destructive behaviour simply to draw attention to themselves? Negative attention becomes more desirable than no attention at all. Well, YouTube has rapidly become the world's largest test lab for examining the worst excesses of human behaviour.
There are a disturbing number of people who display what I can only describe as psychotic behaviour. They indulge in extremely venomous attacks on people they essentially know nothing about, attacks that frequently escalate into threats of violence. These people display a complete inability to consider repercussions and think of the future. What seems fun in your 20s can seriously limit your options in the future. This is the internet people, once you put something out there, it's out there forever. You've lost control of it and you can't erase it when you want to.
It would kinda suck to blow a big job interview because your potential employer did a background check and found out how often you'd acted like an utter fuckwit on YouTube. Not to mention how it could affect legal proceedings if someone was trying to prove you were unbalanced and untrustworthy. Think of your worst case scenario and it will almost inevitably happen.
The general negativity pisses me off but I've seen a permutation developing recently that makes me really want to smack the perpetrators in the face with a fucking shovel. People are now making videos where they criticise other people for making attacks on people they like. Which sounds fine except every other video these people make is an attack on someone else that they don't like. So they want the best of both worlds: they should be free to vilify whoever they want but nobody should dare criticise them or any of their "friends".
To put it in biblical terms: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
To put it in Mr Angry terms: "Shut the fuck up you hypocritical sack of shit! Either retract every negative thing you've said about everyone else and promise not to do it again or just shut the fuck up!"
There are huge number of people on YouTube doing and saying things that I think are stupid and fucked up. I could make hundreds of videos pointing out what is wrong with what they are doing. But what's the fucking point? People are fucked - big surprise. People need to get over themselves and get on to doing something that's productive.
There will always be people doing things you don't agree with. There will always be people who attack you. There will always be people you simply fucking hate, often with very good reason. But this downward spiral of negativity drags everyone down until they're all covered in shit. Somebody has to take the step of saying "I'm not going to be part of this, no matter what other people do." I'm no Mahatma Gandhi but even I can see a dead end when it's staring me in the face.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
The winds of change
It's amazing how quickly plans for where you're going with your work can change. It seems like every other day there's a news story about thousands of layoff in some industry or other. That's at the really harsh end of change and fortunately I'm not being subjected to that right now. No, right now I have the luxury of change happening at a pace of my own choosing. Still, I've been surprised how a few things have come together in the last week that are creating a sort of "perfect storm" of change for me.
My current contract was initially for 3 months but I've stayed on for 18 months so far and we (the project team) were all sort of lazily assuming I'd be around until at least the end of this year. I've know for a while I could make considerably more money by taking up a new contract somewhere else but I've also learned from experience that money is only part of what makes working worthwhile.
The work I am doing is more interesting than most of the work available and the environment and people in my current workplace are definitely among the best I've experienced (when I'm complaining about bad work situations I'm usually talking about previous workplaces.) So being happy in my work has led to me not being worried about missing out on potential extra money. Some changes in my personal situation have had me thinking more money would be good but it hasn't been a driving factor.
Then came the news of a restructure at work. My project manager is getting a (well-deserved) promotion which means someone else needs to take over the day-to-day project management role. I like my current PM, she's one of the best I've worked with. The most likely replacement falls into the "not so much" category. She's smart and extremely experienced in IT but she has a tendency to typify the attitudes that non-IT people really don't like.
Namely, she tends to see everything in terms of systems rather than people, she tends to tell people what systems she's going to give them rather than ask them what they require from a system and she doesn't seem to be much for respecting other people's boundaries. Which is to say, she's loud, pushy and frequently tells people she knows exactly what their requirements are, despite the fact that the very loud words flying out of her mouth contradict what is being asked for. Not what I look for in a manager.
The same day that I received the news about a new project manager, I received one of my semi-regular calls from an agency desperately looking for someone to fill a position. I said that I wouldn't be available but I asked what rates they were talking about offering. The figure was what I expected but it wasn't until a little while later that I did some maths and thought "holy crap, that's another thousand bucks a week!"
In my twenties I couldn't even conceive of earning 50 grand a year and here I am being able to increase my income by 50 grand. Couple that with being stuck with a manager I don't like if I stay where I am and I can see some changes in my future. Changing workplaces is always a risk but I can put up with a dickhead for six months for an extra thousand bucks a week.
Besides, in a worst case scenario, there would be plenty of blog fodder in complaining about the fuckwits I have to work with. I'm running out of old material for horror stories - I could do with some new ones.
My current contract was initially for 3 months but I've stayed on for 18 months so far and we (the project team) were all sort of lazily assuming I'd be around until at least the end of this year. I've know for a while I could make considerably more money by taking up a new contract somewhere else but I've also learned from experience that money is only part of what makes working worthwhile.
The work I am doing is more interesting than most of the work available and the environment and people in my current workplace are definitely among the best I've experienced (when I'm complaining about bad work situations I'm usually talking about previous workplaces.) So being happy in my work has led to me not being worried about missing out on potential extra money. Some changes in my personal situation have had me thinking more money would be good but it hasn't been a driving factor.
Then came the news of a restructure at work. My project manager is getting a (well-deserved) promotion which means someone else needs to take over the day-to-day project management role. I like my current PM, she's one of the best I've worked with. The most likely replacement falls into the "not so much" category. She's smart and extremely experienced in IT but she has a tendency to typify the attitudes that non-IT people really don't like.
Namely, she tends to see everything in terms of systems rather than people, she tends to tell people what systems she's going to give them rather than ask them what they require from a system and she doesn't seem to be much for respecting other people's boundaries. Which is to say, she's loud, pushy and frequently tells people she knows exactly what their requirements are, despite the fact that the very loud words flying out of her mouth contradict what is being asked for. Not what I look for in a manager.
The same day that I received the news about a new project manager, I received one of my semi-regular calls from an agency desperately looking for someone to fill a position. I said that I wouldn't be available but I asked what rates they were talking about offering. The figure was what I expected but it wasn't until a little while later that I did some maths and thought "holy crap, that's another thousand bucks a week!"
In my twenties I couldn't even conceive of earning 50 grand a year and here I am being able to increase my income by 50 grand. Couple that with being stuck with a manager I don't like if I stay where I am and I can see some changes in my future. Changing workplaces is always a risk but I can put up with a dickhead for six months for an extra thousand bucks a week.
Besides, in a worst case scenario, there would be plenty of blog fodder in complaining about the fuckwits I have to work with. I'm running out of old material for horror stories - I could do with some new ones.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Internet Dating Tips
I actually posted the content for this video on this blog a long time ago but I thought it was time to share my internet dating tips with the YouTube masses. Plus, the more recent arrivals to this blog won't have read my relationships posts so this will be new material to them. And maybe those who did read the original post have forgotten. Or maybe people like to watch videos.
Or maybe it's all about me being too lazy to write a long post on the weekend.
Or maybe it's all about me being too lazy to write a long post on the weekend.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Spam Vertigo
The endless onslaught of comment spam continues unabated and the tireless efforts of Akismet continues to keep the hordes of scum at bay with a 99+% success rate. I did find one false positive when I was checking through the hundreds of spam that had been quarantined so that does raise the possibility that I've been deleting genuine comments when I've wiped out previous piles of spam that numbered in the thousands.
Sorry.
This is particularly possible since I picked up a bunch of new visitors and commenters with yesterday's "1984" post (hello to all the new folks). Oh, and thanks to Massif for submitting that post to Reddit - that gave me quite a surprise when I woke up this morning. Apparently not even hitting the front page can score you about 3,000 hits.
I decided to scour Akismet's spam net to see if it had caught any innocent comments but it takes for-bloody-ever to look through the hundreds that get caught in a single day. The problem isn't limited to the sheer volume of spam, it's also the length of the individual spam comments. Some spam are only a few lines long but more than half of them are fucking massive! Screen after screen of blue links to viagra, insurance and porn.
My solution was to run through the list at a fast scroll and only slow down if something seemed to break the visual pattern (i.e. it had a chance of being a legitimate comment.) Even scrolling so fast the words were a blur it seems to take a minute or two to get through each screen (Akismet groups 50 spam to a page.)
Besides being a boring waste of time, this exercise has another unpleasant side effect. I decided to switch to another window while I waited for the next page of spam to load (I was working from a relatively slow connection) but suddenly going from a fast moving screen to a static screen totally fucked with my visual perception.
I was suffering from what I can only describe as spam vertigo. The static text on the screen seemed to be swaying and wobbling. It was a very disconcerting and made me feel mildly sick. So now I have one more reason to hate spammers.
Bastards.
Sorry.
This is particularly possible since I picked up a bunch of new visitors and commenters with yesterday's "1984" post (hello to all the new folks). Oh, and thanks to Massif for submitting that post to Reddit - that gave me quite a surprise when I woke up this morning. Apparently not even hitting the front page can score you about 3,000 hits.
I decided to scour Akismet's spam net to see if it had caught any innocent comments but it takes for-bloody-ever to look through the hundreds that get caught in a single day. The problem isn't limited to the sheer volume of spam, it's also the length of the individual spam comments. Some spam are only a few lines long but more than half of them are fucking massive! Screen after screen of blue links to viagra, insurance and porn.
My solution was to run through the list at a fast scroll and only slow down if something seemed to break the visual pattern (i.e. it had a chance of being a legitimate comment.) Even scrolling so fast the words were a blur it seems to take a minute or two to get through each screen (Akismet groups 50 spam to a page.)
Besides being a boring waste of time, this exercise has another unpleasant side effect. I decided to switch to another window while I waited for the next page of spam to load (I was working from a relatively slow connection) but suddenly going from a fast moving screen to a static screen totally fucked with my visual perception.
I was suffering from what I can only describe as spam vertigo. The static text on the screen seemed to be swaying and wobbling. It was a very disconcerting and made me feel mildly sick. So now I have one more reason to hate spammers.
Bastards.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
In the IT world, it's 1984
Being stuck in day-long workshops for an entire week does bad things to my head. It makes me want to do bad things to the workshop organiser's head with a length of 2x4. It makes me wonder what sins I committed in a previous life to be subjected to such torture in this one. And it makes me see disturbing parallels between the IT world and the totalitarian nightmare of George Orwell's novel 1984. Come to think of it, these parallels work for the broader business world but I'll stick to what I know, namely, IT.
WAR IS PEACE
IT managers and business people in general rarely seem happy if IT staff are feeling relaxed. The pervading mood I've felt throughout my IT career is that happy staff aren't working hard enough. IT staff are saddled with a widespread perception that they're overpaid (which from a certain perspective is true but this aint charity, it's supply and demand, mofo) and so if they dare to be happy as well harsh measures are called for.
Time and time again I've seen deliberate management decisions taken with the intent of creating destructive conflict between individuals, between teams and between the IT and non-IT sections of a company. Competition in and of itself is a good thing because without it we'd have stagnation but being competitive doesn't have to mean "for me to win, you must lose." I'm appalled to see how often it's still accepted "wisdom" that crushing your opponents (within the same company!) is the way to success.
The macho, male-dominated world of big business and IT sees perpetual conflict as the desirable state and it's absence says that something is wrong. War is peace.
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
There's a couple of ways to read this one but for me, in the IT world particularly this little bit of doublethink is epitomised by the concept that wireless, always-on, constant connectivity is some wonderful new freedom. Bullshit. That's slavery. There has to be a separation between work and home life. Nobody ever uttered the dying words "I wish I spent more time at the office," yet having the office take over every aspect of your life continues to be seen as a desirable goal.
IT workers are particularly susceptible to this because of the prevalence of gadget fetishism but it's a horrible trap. Nobody at work knows my mobile phone number, private email address or IM contact (or my blog for that matter). I don't have a pager or Blackberry and I never will. I never dial into the work network from home. Sometimes people simply have to deal with the fact they can't contact me until the next business day.
I'll quit a job before I'll be shackled to it day and night. Time is the one thing you can never get more of and I value my personal time far more than I value being offered the freedom to access my workspace anywhere, anytime through the latest fabulous gadget. That sort of freedom is slavery.
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
This one is everywhere. Modern communication tools give us the potential to have almost unlimited access to information. At the same time the desire to clamp down on the flow of information seems to grow every day. Whether it's from a government or a company, we're continually hearing that "You can't have that... You can't know that... That's a secret... That's proprietary."
This goes far beyond the idea of keeping secrets from real or perceived enemies, these days it seems that basic information is withheld from people on the same side on a routine basis. Whether it's a government withholding information from its citizens that the laws of the land say they have the right to know or management withholding information from employees "for their own good" it seems we're constantly being told our ignorance will make us stronger.
And it goes beyond people in power wanting to enforce ignorance on their subordinates. It's hard to escape the feeling that a large number of people feel that their own ignorance makes them stronger. I know I'm not the only one who sees the pattern of behaviour in Bush administration refusing to accept "intelligence" that contradicted either broad political goals or specific decisions that had already been made.
And whether it's a religious fundamentalist refusing to consider the possibility of evolution, an evolutionist refusing to consider the value of spirituality, a global warming denier refusing to accept the weight of scientific opinion or an environmentalist refusing to consider that they might not have all the answers, it's easy to find people who prefer to maintain their current ignorance rather than weaken what they perceive the strength of their position. More than a few people seem willing to have that as their epitaph: ignorance is strength.
THE FUTURE
One of the most quoted lines from Orwell's 1984 is "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever." It's this line that was resonating in my head as I sat through what felt like the hundredth hour of workshops. Working in IT, we tend to be more comfortable with the idea of a rapidly changing future and to a greater or lesser extent, we are a part of actively creating that future.
It seems that every technological innovation that can improve people's lives can simultaneously be corrupted so that it lessens the quality of life. Every step taken to make information freer can be adapted or twisted to lock information down further. Every advance can be used to push someone a step back.
The goals of The Party in 1984 are simple: "The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power." Today we have companies who say "Don't be evil" while collaborating with a regime that represses, imprisons and tortures dissenting voices. A company that famously said to choose them "So 1984 won't be like 1984" embraces the concept of Ignorance is Strength so fully that they criminalise their most ardent fans for simply disseminating information (speculative information at that.)
Without wanting to be a starry-eyed techno-utopian, it's fair to say that working in IT gives us many more opportunities to promote positive change than the average worker has. Do we limit ourselves to a life where the object of work is work, the object of technological change is technological change? (and dare I add the object of blogging is blogging?) It's worth asking ourselves what contributions our decisions are really making.
WAR IS PEACE
IT managers and business people in general rarely seem happy if IT staff are feeling relaxed. The pervading mood I've felt throughout my IT career is that happy staff aren't working hard enough. IT staff are saddled with a widespread perception that they're overpaid (which from a certain perspective is true but this aint charity, it's supply and demand, mofo) and so if they dare to be happy as well harsh measures are called for.
Time and time again I've seen deliberate management decisions taken with the intent of creating destructive conflict between individuals, between teams and between the IT and non-IT sections of a company. Competition in and of itself is a good thing because without it we'd have stagnation but being competitive doesn't have to mean "for me to win, you must lose." I'm appalled to see how often it's still accepted "wisdom" that crushing your opponents (within the same company!) is the way to success.
The macho, male-dominated world of big business and IT sees perpetual conflict as the desirable state and it's absence says that something is wrong. War is peace.
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
There's a couple of ways to read this one but for me, in the IT world particularly this little bit of doublethink is epitomised by the concept that wireless, always-on, constant connectivity is some wonderful new freedom. Bullshit. That's slavery. There has to be a separation between work and home life. Nobody ever uttered the dying words "I wish I spent more time at the office," yet having the office take over every aspect of your life continues to be seen as a desirable goal.
IT workers are particularly susceptible to this because of the prevalence of gadget fetishism but it's a horrible trap. Nobody at work knows my mobile phone number, private email address or IM contact (or my blog for that matter). I don't have a pager or Blackberry and I never will. I never dial into the work network from home. Sometimes people simply have to deal with the fact they can't contact me until the next business day.
I'll quit a job before I'll be shackled to it day and night. Time is the one thing you can never get more of and I value my personal time far more than I value being offered the freedom to access my workspace anywhere, anytime through the latest fabulous gadget. That sort of freedom is slavery.
IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH
This one is everywhere. Modern communication tools give us the potential to have almost unlimited access to information. At the same time the desire to clamp down on the flow of information seems to grow every day. Whether it's from a government or a company, we're continually hearing that "You can't have that... You can't know that... That's a secret... That's proprietary."
This goes far beyond the idea of keeping secrets from real or perceived enemies, these days it seems that basic information is withheld from people on the same side on a routine basis. Whether it's a government withholding information from its citizens that the laws of the land say they have the right to know or management withholding information from employees "for their own good" it seems we're constantly being told our ignorance will make us stronger.
And it goes beyond people in power wanting to enforce ignorance on their subordinates. It's hard to escape the feeling that a large number of people feel that their own ignorance makes them stronger. I know I'm not the only one who sees the pattern of behaviour in Bush administration refusing to accept "intelligence" that contradicted either broad political goals or specific decisions that had already been made.
And whether it's a religious fundamentalist refusing to consider the possibility of evolution, an evolutionist refusing to consider the value of spirituality, a global warming denier refusing to accept the weight of scientific opinion or an environmentalist refusing to consider that they might not have all the answers, it's easy to find people who prefer to maintain their current ignorance rather than weaken what they perceive the strength of their position. More than a few people seem willing to have that as their epitaph: ignorance is strength.
THE FUTURE
One of the most quoted lines from Orwell's 1984 is "If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face - for ever." It's this line that was resonating in my head as I sat through what felt like the hundredth hour of workshops. Working in IT, we tend to be more comfortable with the idea of a rapidly changing future and to a greater or lesser extent, we are a part of actively creating that future.
It seems that every technological innovation that can improve people's lives can simultaneously be corrupted so that it lessens the quality of life. Every step taken to make information freer can be adapted or twisted to lock information down further. Every advance can be used to push someone a step back.
The goals of The Party in 1984 are simple: "The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power." Today we have companies who say "Don't be evil" while collaborating with a regime that represses, imprisons and tortures dissenting voices. A company that famously said to choose them "So 1984 won't be like 1984" embraces the concept of Ignorance is Strength so fully that they criminalise their most ardent fans for simply disseminating information (speculative information at that.)
Without wanting to be a starry-eyed techno-utopian, it's fair to say that working in IT gives us many more opportunities to promote positive change than the average worker has. Do we limit ourselves to a life where the object of work is work, the object of technological change is technological change? (and dare I add the object of blogging is blogging?) It's worth asking ourselves what contributions our decisions are really making.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Phone company from hell
One of the things that has caused me immense pain in my recent move is being jerked around by utility companies. Getting my phone, internet, gas and electricity connected has been a drawn out, expensive and agonising affair. The connections have taken ages to get finalised and the extra charges they levy are nothing short of mafia-level extortion.
I noticed something on my phone bill that sums their attitude up. The contact number for the phone company includes the digits "666". This is the company that actually sets phone numbers. They can have any phone number they want. And they've chosen to go with a number often associated with the bearded chap weilding a pitchfork.
To me, this is the most collosal "fuck you" they could send customers. They're essentially saying "Yeah, we're evil. What are you gonna do about it? We're going further than not denying it, we're positively revelling in our demonic behaviour."
You may think you have a bad phone company but I really have the phone company from hell.
I noticed something on my phone bill that sums their attitude up. The contact number for the phone company includes the digits "666". This is the company that actually sets phone numbers. They can have any phone number they want. And they've chosen to go with a number often associated with the bearded chap weilding a pitchfork.
To me, this is the most collosal "fuck you" they could send customers. They're essentially saying "Yeah, we're evil. What are you gonna do about it? We're going further than not denying it, we're positively revelling in our demonic behaviour."
You may think you have a bad phone company but I really have the phone company from hell.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Let Stalk Strine
The Australian vernacular was christened "strine" back in the 1960s by the famed Australian academic and linguist, Affabeck Lauder. I give this tidbit as some background for the topic of this post and the video below.
I was asked by a YouTuber to explain some Aussie slang which they apparently find impenetrable. Bloody Seppos. Strictly speaking, strine is about the accent, not the slang ("strine" is how far too many Australians pronounce "Australian") but I never let the facts get in my way. So if you need a quick primer in what the hell Australians are talking about, watch this:
I was asked by a YouTuber to explain some Aussie slang which they apparently find impenetrable. Bloody Seppos. Strictly speaking, strine is about the accent, not the slang ("strine" is how far too many Australians pronounce "Australian") but I never let the facts get in my way. So if you need a quick primer in what the hell Australians are talking about, watch this:
Monday, May 07, 2007
The Angry Fizz News - a commentary too far
When I do pieces for the Fizz Newzz they tend to give me funny pieces of news or at least something they think I can do a funny response to. For me, this works best if the reportage is done straight - like the Darwin Award nominee who was eaten by the cheetah (Bizarro and I are going to hell for laughing about that).
The trouble is, sometimes these "journalists" seem to think they should try to be funny because they're reporting on something supposedly funny. Listen bozos, you aren't even good journalists (why do you think they give you the "quirky" stories?) but you're REALLY shit comedians. Leave it to the professionals. Or at least to the enthusiastic amateurs.
And puns are the lowest form of bad humour. When they get really bad, it's all I can do to restrain myself from totally losing it...
The trouble is, sometimes these "journalists" seem to think they should try to be funny because they're reporting on something supposedly funny. Listen bozos, you aren't even good journalists (why do you think they give you the "quirky" stories?) but you're REALLY shit comedians. Leave it to the professionals. Or at least to the enthusiastic amateurs.
And puns are the lowest form of bad humour. When they get really bad, it's all I can do to restrain myself from totally losing it...
Rolling onwards into stupidity
Today's leading indicator that work stress is getting to me is the way I went off at a driver on the way to work today. His sin? Rolling forward while waiting at a red light. I've always taken this practice to be a sign of extreme stupidity but it really bugged the shit out of me this morning.
This behaviour makes me angry for two reasons: one, it isn't as if the light goes a different shade of red to tell you "start rolling forward now". When it's red you fucking stop. You wait until it's green to go. This is driving's version of premature ejaculation and it can be just as messy. Rolling out even a little into an intersection when opposing traffic still has a green (or orange) light is an invitation to disaster. Just say no.
The second reason this behaviour pisses me off is that in my experience, 9 out of 10 drivers who do this actually miss the green light when it comes. They wrongly anticipate the change and roll forward. The light doesn't change and they still roll slowly forward. Then they think "why the fuck hasn't the light changed?" and hit the brakes. Then the light goes green but it takes them a few seconds to adjust and actually go. I'm sure there's an appropriate sexual metaphor for this as well but it escapes me just now. So I also hate the behaviour because most of the time it's counter-productive, perpetrators get through the lights late rather than early.
My personal favourites (read: people I'd really like to bash some sense into with a length of lead pipe) are the ones for whom there is truly no point in rolling forward. It was one of these this morning who triggered my angry response. This tool in a 4WD (SUV to my American readers) was going to turn right at an intersection which meant they had to give way to the oncoming traffic (we drive on the left side of the road here). So there's no way possible he could get through the intersection quickly when the lights changed but the fucking moron was still rolling forward while the lights were red.
The second one that really pisses me off is trucks. I've often found myself in the situation of being next to a truck at an intersection and after the intersection the road goes down from two lanes to one lane. Then the jerk in the truck starts rolling forward before the lights change. As if the slow moving fucker is actually going to streak across the intersection and cut me off. It's utterly pointless for the truck driver to roll forward like this so the only conclusion I can draw is he's too fucking stupid to know how idiotic his behaviour is.
So yeah, this little bit of shitty driving normally pisses me off but I think the way it got to me today is a pretty good indicator that my stress levels are a tad higher than is good for me. I think I'll have a vodka and valium cocktail when I get home tonight.
This behaviour makes me angry for two reasons: one, it isn't as if the light goes a different shade of red to tell you "start rolling forward now". When it's red you fucking stop. You wait until it's green to go. This is driving's version of premature ejaculation and it can be just as messy. Rolling out even a little into an intersection when opposing traffic still has a green (or orange) light is an invitation to disaster. Just say no.
The second reason this behaviour pisses me off is that in my experience, 9 out of 10 drivers who do this actually miss the green light when it comes. They wrongly anticipate the change and roll forward. The light doesn't change and they still roll slowly forward. Then they think "why the fuck hasn't the light changed?" and hit the brakes. Then the light goes green but it takes them a few seconds to adjust and actually go. I'm sure there's an appropriate sexual metaphor for this as well but it escapes me just now. So I also hate the behaviour because most of the time it's counter-productive, perpetrators get through the lights late rather than early.
My personal favourites (read: people I'd really like to bash some sense into with a length of lead pipe) are the ones for whom there is truly no point in rolling forward. It was one of these this morning who triggered my angry response. This tool in a 4WD (SUV to my American readers) was going to turn right at an intersection which meant they had to give way to the oncoming traffic (we drive on the left side of the road here). So there's no way possible he could get through the intersection quickly when the lights changed but the fucking moron was still rolling forward while the lights were red.
The second one that really pisses me off is trucks. I've often found myself in the situation of being next to a truck at an intersection and after the intersection the road goes down from two lanes to one lane. Then the jerk in the truck starts rolling forward before the lights change. As if the slow moving fucker is actually going to streak across the intersection and cut me off. It's utterly pointless for the truck driver to roll forward like this so the only conclusion I can draw is he's too fucking stupid to know how idiotic his behaviour is.
So yeah, this little bit of shitty driving normally pisses me off but I think the way it got to me today is a pretty good indicator that my stress levels are a tad higher than is good for me. I think I'll have a vodka and valium cocktail when I get home tonight.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Stupid people, Darwin and a hot kissing orgy in the Philippines
I've been doing videos for "The Fizz Newzz" for most of this year. I assume they're going to air (on the 101 on DirecTV or some such) because I get payments on a semi-regular basis. On that topic: what the fuck is up with your economy America? The value of the greenback seems to be dropping through the fucking floor!
When I got my first $US 500 payment last year it translated into about $AU 650. Then at the start of this year it had dropped to about $620. The last one I got was only worth about $580. At this rate we'll be on an even value soon. If I was going on a holiday to the US I'd like that but unfortunately that isn't the case. I want to be rich so fix your economy goddammit!
Anyway, for each episode of The Fizz Newzz they give me a few suggestions on what to do. I think they expect me to submit two or three videos but I want to be absolutely sure of getting on the show so I tend to do six or more videos in the hope that they'll like at least one of them. This results in me doing a lot of work that never see the light of day. I decided it was time to liberate some of these trapped lost classics.
This first video is about one of my favourite topics: stupid people who get killed while being stupid. I hate it when stupid people get away with their idiotic behaviour - it encourages other morons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hid06MGc7zI
This next piece is the link bait I referred to in the topic of this post (I thought all the porn searchers who ended up here needed something different to look at). As a regular YouTube viewer pointed out to me, there's a bit of social stigma around public displays of affection in the Philippines, so how the hell does a guy convince a girl to take part in a public kiss-a-thon? I explore the possibilities in the following video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23-nXRW9Y8s
I'm going to be putting a few more of these together in the future. It beats having to come up with anything new.
When I got my first $US 500 payment last year it translated into about $AU 650. Then at the start of this year it had dropped to about $620. The last one I got was only worth about $580. At this rate we'll be on an even value soon. If I was going on a holiday to the US I'd like that but unfortunately that isn't the case. I want to be rich so fix your economy goddammit!
Anyway, for each episode of The Fizz Newzz they give me a few suggestions on what to do. I think they expect me to submit two or three videos but I want to be absolutely sure of getting on the show so I tend to do six or more videos in the hope that they'll like at least one of them. This results in me doing a lot of work that never see the light of day. I decided it was time to liberate some of these trapped lost classics.
This first video is about one of my favourite topics: stupid people who get killed while being stupid. I hate it when stupid people get away with their idiotic behaviour - it encourages other morons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hid06MGc7zI
This next piece is the link bait I referred to in the topic of this post (I thought all the porn searchers who ended up here needed something different to look at). As a regular YouTube viewer pointed out to me, there's a bit of social stigma around public displays of affection in the Philippines, so how the hell does a guy convince a girl to take part in a public kiss-a-thon? I explore the possibilities in the following video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23-nXRW9Y8s
I'm going to be putting a few more of these together in the future. It beats having to come up with anything new.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
6 Essential communication tips for IT workers
Anyone who has been in the IT job market in the last few years will have noticed an increasing amount of references to "people skills" in job advertisements. Sometimes recruiters talk up "soft" skills when describing the requirements to applicants. What they mean is beyond technical skills, IT workers are increasingly being expected to have strong communications skills.
In my experience, employers are giving this topic lip service far more than placing real value on this set of skills. Partly, this is because it can be quite difficult to quantify someone's ability to communicate - hence the name "soft" skills. Standard parts of a job description are usually easier to quantify - they are "hard" skills.
If you have a degree, this suggests at least a basic level of competency (whether this is accurate or not is another matter); you can be set standard programming tasks to test your coding skills; your ability to put together a specification can be evaluated if you're an analyst; your ability to put together a project plan can be tested if you're a project manager; your ability to lie to little old ladies and hurt babies can be tested if you're in marketing.
So why are communications skills being focused on in IT roles where this has not traditionally been a prime requisite. In short, this is one of the biggest problems in the IT industry worldwide. The breakdown in communication between the business/management side and the IT side derails far more projects than it should. Competent or even perfect technical execution is no guarantee of success in the corporate world. If the people side of the equation is not managed then life for IT workers is far harder than it needs to be.
Here's the good news: communications skills are easier to learn than IT skills. I think the reason the burden of communication is being increasingly placed on IT workers is that the non-IT people have hit a dead-end. IT has become so complex and changes so quickly that business people think they don't have a chance of understanding what's going on. They don't even know how to ask the right questions.
Taking on this role shouldn't be seen as an additional burden by IT workers. This is a golden opportunity. A chance to drive IT decisions in a direction you think is appropriate. Not to mention an opportunity to further your career (if that's the way you want to go). So here are my fundamental keys to communications success for IT workers:
Get used to talking to people. You can't communicate if you're scared of talking to people. The old stereotype of introverted IT people is not without basis. My observation over the years is that IT is filled with people who suffer a massive deficit between their intelligence and their ability to communicate (i.e. they're really smart but have trouble communicating the value of their intelligence).
So presenting to meetings at work scares you. Deal with it. Do something scarier in front of people. The IT group where I work currently runs a "Toastmasters" speaking group. If you want something really terrifying, try stand-up comedy (trust me on this one). Start a band. Sing karaoke. Do SOMETHING that involves being in front of people. Don't underestimate how important this is to a successful career.
Don't mumble! It's appalling how many IT people are "low talkers". Fair or not, if people have trouble understanding you they'll stop listening. Mumbling is usually a sign of lack of confidence - in a business setting it will often be taken as a lack of confidence in what you are saying, not a lack of confidence in speaking itself. You don't have to be the loudest voice in the room but make sure you don't mumble.
Move your lips when you talk. Words don't come out properly if you don't articulate correctly. This is a close relative of mumbling but it isn't all about volume. It's an order of magnitude harder to understand what you're saying if you don't use your lips and tongue to form words. God forbid you might be the type who talks without parting your teeth. I had to deal with this the other day - I barely took in a word he said, all I could think was "Open your damn mouth when you talk!"
Vary your pitch and rhythm. Another way to make sure nobody pays attention to what you say is to talk in a monotone. It's so boring listening to someone who talks in a constant, droning level - it ends up taking on the quality of an annoying background noise like a hard drive that whirrs too loudly. Vary your pitch and inflection to make points and just to stay interesting. And don't be afraid of silence - the occasional pause after making a point is an extremely powerful way of giving additional weight to your point.
Adjust your communication for your audience. Jargon is almost always a bad idea. Too often, jargon and technical language is used by people to cover the fact they don't really know what they're talking about. Prove you know what you're doing by explaining it in clear, unambiguous language.
Get your written communication right too. The exact tone of your emails and other written communication will be dictated by the standards of your particular workplace but here are some standards that will improve how you are perceived wherever you work. Spell check everything before you send it. If it's important review it manually to find the things your spell-checker missed (it's even better if you can get another person to proof read for you). No matter how relaxed you think your workplace is, NEVER EVER use "leet-speak" or text abbreviations. It looks terrible and is almost always guaranteed to get you written off as someone who's not making a serious contribution. Do not underestimate the importance of this point. Seriously. Just don't do it.
A lot of IT workers, particularly those immersed in the programming part of the cycle, will be wondering why this is important to them. Isn't the only requirement that they produce and ship quality code? Well, if you never want to advance, that's a fine attitude.
And I'm not talking simply about people who want to move into management. If you want to have a say in the technical direction of your company, if you want to improve the quality of your work life, if you want people to understand the simple fact that you are actually doing quality work, you need to learn to communicate. Particularly with non-technical people.
It may not be in the safety of your comfort zone but simply getting out of your cubicle and talking to people is one of the best ways to improve your prospects. You're not going to turn into an award-winning public speaker overnight but honestly, it's almost certainly going to be easier than you fear. You have nothing to lose but the poor reputation IT people have for communicating and you have everything to gain.
In my experience, employers are giving this topic lip service far more than placing real value on this set of skills. Partly, this is because it can be quite difficult to quantify someone's ability to communicate - hence the name "soft" skills. Standard parts of a job description are usually easier to quantify - they are "hard" skills.
If you have a degree, this suggests at least a basic level of competency (whether this is accurate or not is another matter); you can be set standard programming tasks to test your coding skills; your ability to put together a specification can be evaluated if you're an analyst; your ability to put together a project plan can be tested if you're a project manager; your ability to lie to little old ladies and hurt babies can be tested if you're in marketing.
So why are communications skills being focused on in IT roles where this has not traditionally been a prime requisite. In short, this is one of the biggest problems in the IT industry worldwide. The breakdown in communication between the business/management side and the IT side derails far more projects than it should. Competent or even perfect technical execution is no guarantee of success in the corporate world. If the people side of the equation is not managed then life for IT workers is far harder than it needs to be.
Here's the good news: communications skills are easier to learn than IT skills. I think the reason the burden of communication is being increasingly placed on IT workers is that the non-IT people have hit a dead-end. IT has become so complex and changes so quickly that business people think they don't have a chance of understanding what's going on. They don't even know how to ask the right questions.
Taking on this role shouldn't be seen as an additional burden by IT workers. This is a golden opportunity. A chance to drive IT decisions in a direction you think is appropriate. Not to mention an opportunity to further your career (if that's the way you want to go). So here are my fundamental keys to communications success for IT workers:
Get used to talking to people. You can't communicate if you're scared of talking to people. The old stereotype of introverted IT people is not without basis. My observation over the years is that IT is filled with people who suffer a massive deficit between their intelligence and their ability to communicate (i.e. they're really smart but have trouble communicating the value of their intelligence).
So presenting to meetings at work scares you. Deal with it. Do something scarier in front of people. The IT group where I work currently runs a "Toastmasters" speaking group. If you want something really terrifying, try stand-up comedy (trust me on this one). Start a band. Sing karaoke. Do SOMETHING that involves being in front of people. Don't underestimate how important this is to a successful career.
Don't mumble! It's appalling how many IT people are "low talkers". Fair or not, if people have trouble understanding you they'll stop listening. Mumbling is usually a sign of lack of confidence - in a business setting it will often be taken as a lack of confidence in what you are saying, not a lack of confidence in speaking itself. You don't have to be the loudest voice in the room but make sure you don't mumble.
Move your lips when you talk. Words don't come out properly if you don't articulate correctly. This is a close relative of mumbling but it isn't all about volume. It's an order of magnitude harder to understand what you're saying if you don't use your lips and tongue to form words. God forbid you might be the type who talks without parting your teeth. I had to deal with this the other day - I barely took in a word he said, all I could think was "Open your damn mouth when you talk!"
Vary your pitch and rhythm. Another way to make sure nobody pays attention to what you say is to talk in a monotone. It's so boring listening to someone who talks in a constant, droning level - it ends up taking on the quality of an annoying background noise like a hard drive that whirrs too loudly. Vary your pitch and inflection to make points and just to stay interesting. And don't be afraid of silence - the occasional pause after making a point is an extremely powerful way of giving additional weight to your point.
Adjust your communication for your audience. Jargon is almost always a bad idea. Too often, jargon and technical language is used by people to cover the fact they don't really know what they're talking about. Prove you know what you're doing by explaining it in clear, unambiguous language.
Get your written communication right too. The exact tone of your emails and other written communication will be dictated by the standards of your particular workplace but here are some standards that will improve how you are perceived wherever you work. Spell check everything before you send it. If it's important review it manually to find the things your spell-checker missed (it's even better if you can get another person to proof read for you). No matter how relaxed you think your workplace is, NEVER EVER use "leet-speak" or text abbreviations. It looks terrible and is almost always guaranteed to get you written off as someone who's not making a serious contribution. Do not underestimate the importance of this point. Seriously. Just don't do it.
A lot of IT workers, particularly those immersed in the programming part of the cycle, will be wondering why this is important to them. Isn't the only requirement that they produce and ship quality code? Well, if you never want to advance, that's a fine attitude.
And I'm not talking simply about people who want to move into management. If you want to have a say in the technical direction of your company, if you want to improve the quality of your work life, if you want people to understand the simple fact that you are actually doing quality work, you need to learn to communicate. Particularly with non-technical people.
It may not be in the safety of your comfort zone but simply getting out of your cubicle and talking to people is one of the best ways to improve your prospects. You're not going to turn into an award-winning public speaker overnight but honestly, it's almost certainly going to be easier than you fear. You have nothing to lose but the poor reputation IT people have for communicating and you have everything to gain.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Don't mess with Dubbo
It isn't often that my home town makes the news in a major metropolitan newspaper. So what major event can propel this relatively insignificant provincial centre into the limelight you ask? Is it something that will make the sons and daughters of Dubbo proud?
Well... it seems the town is being shat on. A lot. The town is overrun by starlings. These filthy fucking starlings (I've always hated the bastards) are shitting on anything that doesn't move. So drastic action is called for. And in Dubbo, they don't fuck around when drastic action is called for.
Now, the actions might seem a bit weird, but you can't say they're not trying. They tried scaring them away with laser lights and blasting them away with water cannons. I shit you not, they even tried dosing the bird up with hallucinogens. Apparently they idea was to paint trees with hallucinogenic drugs and the starling would absorb the acid throw their claws. The resulting bad trip would supposedly make them leave. Or drop dead.
I think the only result of this plan would be for desperate young locals to wander around town licking trees in the hope of getting lucky. Here's a link to the newspaper article that inspired me and here's the video I made after being so inspired:
Well... it seems the town is being shat on. A lot. The town is overrun by starlings. These filthy fucking starlings (I've always hated the bastards) are shitting on anything that doesn't move. So drastic action is called for. And in Dubbo, they don't fuck around when drastic action is called for.
Now, the actions might seem a bit weird, but you can't say they're not trying. They tried scaring them away with laser lights and blasting them away with water cannons. I shit you not, they even tried dosing the bird up with hallucinogens. Apparently they idea was to paint trees with hallucinogenic drugs and the starling would absorb the acid throw their claws. The resulting bad trip would supposedly make them leave. Or drop dead.
I think the only result of this plan would be for desperate young locals to wander around town licking trees in the hope of getting lucky. Here's a link to the newspaper article that inspired me and here's the video I made after being so inspired:
Monday, April 30, 2007
Just a smidge stressed...
I learned something at work today - I don't communicate as well as I think I do. I had a few stressful hours trying to clarify some rather complex issues. The other parties involved were intelligent people and, in fact, I quite enjoy working with them. But the difficulties I was having were really stressing me out.
I think I might actually do one of my more serious posts on the topic of effective communication now I'm thinking of it. But not today. This video shows me releasing my stress today:
I think I might actually do one of my more serious posts on the topic of effective communication now I'm thinking of it. But not today. This video shows me releasing my stress today:
Sunday, April 29, 2007
I, for one, welcome our insect overlords
So have you heard about how people are freaking out about bees disappearing? Nobody knows for sure and some weird theories are floating about. I don't know what's happening but fortunately I know somebody from the future who can give us the answer from his vantage point...
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Crime Scene Investigation
I've noticed a tendency for people to try to make their lives, and more specifically their work, seem more exciting than it really is. Usually, this desperate attempt to appear interesting simply highlights how fucked the person's life actually is.
I remember years ago I was working in the IT department of an insurance company and there was a new finance system being developed that was code-named "weapon". I'm sure the dweebs who thought that one up did it because they imagined they would sound cool chatting up some girl in a bar saying "I work on weapon development."
Another example I can think of was some scumbag ticket inspectors on a tram one day. As an aside, I fucking hate ticket inspectors. And parking inspectors. Don't waste my time saying "I'm just doing my job." That defence didn't work in Nuremberg and it won't work with me. About six of these wankers were in "plainclothes" on the tram I was riding when all of a sudden they synchronised the revelation of their inspector badges they'd been concealing on a lanyard under their clothes.
I had a ticket so they couldn't hassle me but I couldn't stop laughing. It seemed like they had watched too many episodes of "Law and Order". They thought they were some sort of hardcore undercover cops the way they did it so seriously. I don't think they appreciated my mirth.
On a similar note, check out this video showing what the dickheads in my local council are up to.
I remember years ago I was working in the IT department of an insurance company and there was a new finance system being developed that was code-named "weapon". I'm sure the dweebs who thought that one up did it because they imagined they would sound cool chatting up some girl in a bar saying "I work on weapon development."
Another example I can think of was some scumbag ticket inspectors on a tram one day. As an aside, I fucking hate ticket inspectors. And parking inspectors. Don't waste my time saying "I'm just doing my job." That defence didn't work in Nuremberg and it won't work with me. About six of these wankers were in "plainclothes" on the tram I was riding when all of a sudden they synchronised the revelation of their inspector badges they'd been concealing on a lanyard under their clothes.
I had a ticket so they couldn't hassle me but I couldn't stop laughing. It seemed like they had watched too many episodes of "Law and Order". They thought they were some sort of hardcore undercover cops the way they did it so seriously. I don't think they appreciated my mirth.
On a similar note, check out this video showing what the dickheads in my local council are up to.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Knowing when to give up
I'm open to discussing topics with somebody who has a different viewpoint. Sometimes I even enjoy a full-blooded argument. I like to think that lots of people are capable of learning and moving beyond their existing mindset. But some people are just fucked. Utterly beyond hope of redemption. I've decided it's important to know when to give up on people.
Witness the asinine display I had to put up with at work today. The substance of the disagreement isn't important, what matters is there was a disagreement. The other party was female, not something I thought was important to the argument but she seemed to find it progressively more and more important.
The argument had reached a stalemate, the discussion was going around and around, showing no signs of moving anywhere near a resolution. It hadn't become heated yet but I was detecting a bit of an edge creeping in and decided discretion was the better part of valour. In short, I didn't need this sort of shit at work and was going to let it go. This led to the following exchange:
ME: How about we agree to disagree and leave it at that.
SHE: That is such a typical thing for a man to do! Trying to shut me up in such a condescending way.
ME: How is that condescending? I'm respecting the fact you have a different opinion and I'm choosing not to force my opinion on you.
SHE: What you mean is you think I'm wrong. You think you're right and I'm wrong.
ME: Well, yeah. I think my opinion is right. Isn't that the definition of an opinion?
SHE: It's the definition of a typical arrogant male, thinking you're always right and women are always wrong.
ME: In this particular case I think I, as an individual, am right and you, as an individual, are wrong. I hadn't framed that in any gender-specific way.
SHE: Why can't you admit you're wrong.
ME: Well, you haven't convinced me I'm wrong.
SHE: I bet you don't think any of your opinions are wrong!
ME: It may surprise you to learn that I hold very few opinions that I think are wrong. How many of your opinions do you think are wrong? Why would anybody cling to an opinion that they think is wrong? That's crazy!
SHE: So now you're think I'm crazy?
ME: I didn't think that before, although I'm getting there now. (OK, I know I shouldn't have said that but at this point my mental censor had gotten sick of this crap, packed his bags and gone away.)
SHE: Why did I even think I'd be able to get you to see any sense? Men are always this way.
ME: When were you planning to talk sense? If I'm going to see any sense you'll have to show some first.
And then the shrieking started. If only I'd given up five minutes earlier I would have gone home with my eardrums intact. Lesson learned. Pick your battles people. The way these morons cluster together I've started to think their stupidity might be a contagious disease. So don't waste your time grappling with morons.
You might catch stupid.
Witness the asinine display I had to put up with at work today. The substance of the disagreement isn't important, what matters is there was a disagreement. The other party was female, not something I thought was important to the argument but she seemed to find it progressively more and more important.
The argument had reached a stalemate, the discussion was going around and around, showing no signs of moving anywhere near a resolution. It hadn't become heated yet but I was detecting a bit of an edge creeping in and decided discretion was the better part of valour. In short, I didn't need this sort of shit at work and was going to let it go. This led to the following exchange:
ME: How about we agree to disagree and leave it at that.
SHE: That is such a typical thing for a man to do! Trying to shut me up in such a condescending way.
ME: How is that condescending? I'm respecting the fact you have a different opinion and I'm choosing not to force my opinion on you.
SHE: What you mean is you think I'm wrong. You think you're right and I'm wrong.
ME: Well, yeah. I think my opinion is right. Isn't that the definition of an opinion?
SHE: It's the definition of a typical arrogant male, thinking you're always right and women are always wrong.
ME: In this particular case I think I, as an individual, am right and you, as an individual, are wrong. I hadn't framed that in any gender-specific way.
SHE: Why can't you admit you're wrong.
ME: Well, you haven't convinced me I'm wrong.
SHE: I bet you don't think any of your opinions are wrong!
ME: It may surprise you to learn that I hold very few opinions that I think are wrong. How many of your opinions do you think are wrong? Why would anybody cling to an opinion that they think is wrong? That's crazy!
SHE: So now you're think I'm crazy?
ME: I didn't think that before, although I'm getting there now. (OK, I know I shouldn't have said that but at this point my mental censor had gotten sick of this crap, packed his bags and gone away.)
SHE: Why did I even think I'd be able to get you to see any sense? Men are always this way.
ME: When were you planning to talk sense? If I'm going to see any sense you'll have to show some first.
And then the shrieking started. If only I'd given up five minutes earlier I would have gone home with my eardrums intact. Lesson learned. Pick your battles people. The way these morons cluster together I've started to think their stupidity might be a contagious disease. So don't waste your time grappling with morons.
You might catch stupid.
Sheryl Crow can shut the fuck up any time now
For a while now, I've been thinking about writing a series about people who should shut the fuck up. God knows there are enough people out there who need to have it said to them. I'm normally one to favour calm, reasoned argument (yes I am, shut up!) but sometimes it would be really cathartic to scream in someone's face: "Shut the fuck up!" So that's what I'm doing.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
Sheryl Crow can shut the fuck up any time now
For a while now, I've been thinking about writing a series about people who should shut the fuck up. God knows there are enough people out there who need to have it said to them. I'm normally one to favour calm, reasoned argument (yes I am, shut up!) but sometimes it would be really cathartic to scream in someone's face: "Shut the fuck up!" So that's what I'm doing.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
No talking in toilets - video version
Well, yesterday's post seemed quite popular and I have to admit, I liked it too. So much so that I decided to do a video version of it, which I present now for your viewing pleasure.
Before the video, a quick note about the "truth" of my posts. I've mentioned before that pretty much everything I write is "inspired by a true story" as they say in Hollywood. Life is so fucked up that I rarely have to fabricate something completely. I usually change enough specifics of the story to preserve my anonymity. Sometimes I make changes to make a point more clearly. And sometimes I make changes to make the story funnier.
In yesterday's case, the sandwich incident happened pretty much exactly as I related it. The inappropriate toilet conversation did not actually happen, it was inspired by some incredibly inappropriate toilet conversations I have been subjected to in the past. I did bump into Mr Big Sandwich in the toilet and I almost made reference to the sandwich when he talked to me.
Luckily for me, my brain was unusually alert and warned me "No, don't say that! That would sound very, very bad in this environment." So I didn't say it. Then the sick part of my brain took over and thought "hey, that's actually pretty funny."
And that's how blog posts are born.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTYeTHvYbgk
Before the video, a quick note about the "truth" of my posts. I've mentioned before that pretty much everything I write is "inspired by a true story" as they say in Hollywood. Life is so fucked up that I rarely have to fabricate something completely. I usually change enough specifics of the story to preserve my anonymity. Sometimes I make changes to make a point more clearly. And sometimes I make changes to make the story funnier.
In yesterday's case, the sandwich incident happened pretty much exactly as I related it. The inappropriate toilet conversation did not actually happen, it was inspired by some incredibly inappropriate toilet conversations I have been subjected to in the past. I did bump into Mr Big Sandwich in the toilet and I almost made reference to the sandwich when he talked to me.
Luckily for me, my brain was unusually alert and warned me "No, don't say that! That would sound very, very bad in this environment." So I didn't say it. Then the sick part of my brain took over and thought "hey, that's actually pretty funny."
And that's how blog posts are born.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTYeTHvYbgk
Monday, April 23, 2007
Why I avoid conversations in the toilet
A broadly accepted rule of male toilet etiquette is "no conversations" or at least keep conversations to a minimum. The reasons behind this should be self-evident. There are situations where I have my penis in my hand and I'm comfortable having a discussion but they are usually more intimate than a public toilet.
I had an experience during lunchtime today at work that illuminated the importance of this rule yet again. Before describing the offending conversation, some background is in order:
I planned to toast a sandwich for my lunch today, using the sandwich press in the communal kitchenette. A cow-orker arrived to do the same thing with his ready-made sandwich as I was still in the process of putting my sandwich together. He was prepared to wait until I had finished but I said not to worry, the sandwich press was big enough for two sandwiches and we should do it at the same time.
My confidence was soon shown to be misplaced, however. He was using thick bread and lots of ingredients that made his sandwich twice the thickness of mine. He put his sandwich in the press and wandered off, then I compared my sandwich and realised I couldn't toast it properly - the top of the press wouldn't even touch my sandwich while his monster sandwich was in there.
I decided I might as well wait for his to finish toasting before starting mine. To pass the time I decided to avail myself of the facilities and have a slash. By coincidence, Mr Big Sandwich was in there at the same time and he chose to break the "no talking" rule.
"Great minds think alike," he says. "Toasting sandwiches at the same time and taking a leak at the same time."
"Yeah," I responded, "but I'm gonna wait for a while because yours is so big mine won't even touch the sides."
Let me just say this: no amount of explanation is every going to convince the bloke who walked in just as I uttered that sentence that the cow-orker and myself were not plotting some sordid extra-curricular activities.
So once again guys: no talking while standing at the urinal!
I had an experience during lunchtime today at work that illuminated the importance of this rule yet again. Before describing the offending conversation, some background is in order:
I planned to toast a sandwich for my lunch today, using the sandwich press in the communal kitchenette. A cow-orker arrived to do the same thing with his ready-made sandwich as I was still in the process of putting my sandwich together. He was prepared to wait until I had finished but I said not to worry, the sandwich press was big enough for two sandwiches and we should do it at the same time.
My confidence was soon shown to be misplaced, however. He was using thick bread and lots of ingredients that made his sandwich twice the thickness of mine. He put his sandwich in the press and wandered off, then I compared my sandwich and realised I couldn't toast it properly - the top of the press wouldn't even touch my sandwich while his monster sandwich was in there.
I decided I might as well wait for his to finish toasting before starting mine. To pass the time I decided to avail myself of the facilities and have a slash. By coincidence, Mr Big Sandwich was in there at the same time and he chose to break the "no talking" rule.
"Great minds think alike," he says. "Toasting sandwiches at the same time and taking a leak at the same time."
"Yeah," I responded, "but I'm gonna wait for a while because yours is so big mine won't even touch the sides."
Let me just say this: no amount of explanation is every going to convince the bloke who walked in just as I uttered that sentence that the cow-orker and myself were not plotting some sordid extra-curricular activities.
So once again guys: no talking while standing at the urinal!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
The Angry News - The Kinky Principal
I never really liked my high school principal but that's because he was a jerk. I never had to put up with anything like the principal in this story though. I haven't done an angry news bulletin in a while but this story is made exactly for me. This is the sort of story that needs to be brought to a wider audience:
News source: http://www.zwire.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=18225218&BRD=1699&PAG=461&dept_id=566374&rfi=8
News source: http://www.zwire.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=18225218&BRD=1699&PAG=461&dept_id=566374&rfi=8
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The Noisy Neighbour
I'm going to trouble you for a little insight today readers. What would you do if I was your neighbour? I don't mean that literally, as in you, yourself, knowing what I'm actually doing here. I mean pretend you'd never heard of Mr Angry then one day you heard your neighbour screaming in what sounded like an insane manner.
Most people would probably ignore this at least for a while. But what if it kept happening at semi-regular intervals? Ranting and screaming. Every now and then you could pick out what the neighbour was saying and they seemed to be wishing all sorts of violent retribution on a range of people.
Then suppose you actually asked what was going on. And the neighbour said: "Oh don't worry about that, I'm just being Mr Angry. I put on a mask and shout a lot. Then I video that and put it on the internet. Nothing to worry about."
I only ask because I suspect my shed is not particularly soundproof and my neighbours may be able to hear pretty much everything I do when I make videos. Given that one of the previous tenants was shot in my shed (not fatally and I only found out about this after moving in) the neighbours may not be too well disposed to craziness in the shed.
Fun and games.
Most people would probably ignore this at least for a while. But what if it kept happening at semi-regular intervals? Ranting and screaming. Every now and then you could pick out what the neighbour was saying and they seemed to be wishing all sorts of violent retribution on a range of people.
Then suppose you actually asked what was going on. And the neighbour said: "Oh don't worry about that, I'm just being Mr Angry. I put on a mask and shout a lot. Then I video that and put it on the internet. Nothing to worry about."
I only ask because I suspect my shed is not particularly soundproof and my neighbours may be able to hear pretty much everything I do when I make videos. Given that one of the previous tenants was shot in my shed (not fatally and I only found out about this after moving in) the neighbours may not be too well disposed to craziness in the shed.
Fun and games.
Friday, April 20, 2007
More on apologies
Or should that be moron apologies? Since writing my piece the other day I've spent a bit of time thinking about the way people apologise. One particular type of apology that has been happening a bit lately and really pisses me off is when public figures do or say something that they realise after the fact is deemed socially unacceptable. This usually takes the form of hurling racial epithets and the big examples from the last year are Mel Gibson, Michael Richards and Don Imus.
When will one of these people stick to what they say instead of backing off in a desperate attempt to cover their arse? When it's blindingly obvious that, from what they say, the celebrity in question doesn't like, say, black people... why don't they just say so? So long as they aren't actually inciting or committing violence (and admittedly this may well be the case sometimes) why can't they just say it?
"You know, I really don't like black people. They make me uncomfortable. I don't know any, I don't hang out with them and I feel like they blame me for things that aren't my fault. I don't go out of my way to hurt black people but when they get up in my face it pisses me off. I'll stop saying 'nigger' when all the rappers do."
***NOTE*** The above is not actually my opinion. I'm simply extrapolating from some people's outbursts what I suspect their true feeling are. All the same, feel free to leave some ignorant comment labelling me a racist. I enjoy laying into fuckwits.
Mel Gibson I find kinda funny because although he did the obligatory apologies at first for his bizarre, drunken anti-semitic rant, in more recent interviews he's essentially said "I've already apologised for that. Get over it, what's your problem?" And, despite the fact that the bizarre rantings of his father and the church he belongs to tend to support charges of anti-semitism, I tend to think that blaming Jews for your drinking problems points more to insanity than simple Jew-baiting.
Michael Richards I find more pathetic than anything. He was clearly out of his depth and in his stress and frustration he lashed out in a rather vile way. I suspect he's no more racist than the average white person prone to muttering "stupid nigger" in traffic but his public grovelling made me feel more than a little sick. A slightly more honest response would have been:
"Those guys were really obnoxious and were ruining my act. They weren't respecting me as a performer and I didn't feel like respecting them as people. I knew I had the power position and I could really hurt them by calling them niggers. I didn't think it through and I lashed out, now I'm gonna pay for that and I probably deserve to. I tried to turn it around into a Lenny Bruce thing but I couldn't get it together. I don't think I'm a bad person and I don't have a problem with black people but if people don't want to forgive me for fucking up then I guess I'm screwed."
Don Imus just flat out pisses me off. This fucking blowhard was doing what he always does and comes out with a pathetic "I said a bad thing but I'm not a bad person." He's free to think and say whatever he wants but when he's employed by someone else they're free to sack him. He's a long way from being the worst of the shock jocks but from what I've read he should have been sacked earlier. Some right wing conspiracists actually believe he's the canary in the coalmine - with his scalp taken the dreaded liberal conspiracy will go after some of the seriously big right wing names. We can only hope.
Anyone who's been paying attention to my writing would know I don't advocate the banning any type of speech but Imus was in the commercial marketplace - that's what led to his downfall. Whether or not his employers were truly morally outraged by what Imus said, advertisers were pulling the plug so Imus had to go. I have to seriously doubt that the broadcasters themselves were troubled by what Imus said - isn't that the sort of shit he's expected to do?
Of course it may be that I'm simply deeply cynical. The fact that I see their "apologies" as nothing more than a desperate attempt to protect their commercial interests could be a reflection on me more than them.
Maybe I should apologise.
When will one of these people stick to what they say instead of backing off in a desperate attempt to cover their arse? When it's blindingly obvious that, from what they say, the celebrity in question doesn't like, say, black people... why don't they just say so? So long as they aren't actually inciting or committing violence (and admittedly this may well be the case sometimes) why can't they just say it?
"You know, I really don't like black people. They make me uncomfortable. I don't know any, I don't hang out with them and I feel like they blame me for things that aren't my fault. I don't go out of my way to hurt black people but when they get up in my face it pisses me off. I'll stop saying 'nigger' when all the rappers do."
***NOTE*** The above is not actually my opinion. I'm simply extrapolating from some people's outbursts what I suspect their true feeling are. All the same, feel free to leave some ignorant comment labelling me a racist. I enjoy laying into fuckwits.
Mel Gibson I find kinda funny because although he did the obligatory apologies at first for his bizarre, drunken anti-semitic rant, in more recent interviews he's essentially said "I've already apologised for that. Get over it, what's your problem?" And, despite the fact that the bizarre rantings of his father and the church he belongs to tend to support charges of anti-semitism, I tend to think that blaming Jews for your drinking problems points more to insanity than simple Jew-baiting.
Michael Richards I find more pathetic than anything. He was clearly out of his depth and in his stress and frustration he lashed out in a rather vile way. I suspect he's no more racist than the average white person prone to muttering "stupid nigger" in traffic but his public grovelling made me feel more than a little sick. A slightly more honest response would have been:
"Those guys were really obnoxious and were ruining my act. They weren't respecting me as a performer and I didn't feel like respecting them as people. I knew I had the power position and I could really hurt them by calling them niggers. I didn't think it through and I lashed out, now I'm gonna pay for that and I probably deserve to. I tried to turn it around into a Lenny Bruce thing but I couldn't get it together. I don't think I'm a bad person and I don't have a problem with black people but if people don't want to forgive me for fucking up then I guess I'm screwed."
Don Imus just flat out pisses me off. This fucking blowhard was doing what he always does and comes out with a pathetic "I said a bad thing but I'm not a bad person." He's free to think and say whatever he wants but when he's employed by someone else they're free to sack him. He's a long way from being the worst of the shock jocks but from what I've read he should have been sacked earlier. Some right wing conspiracists actually believe he's the canary in the coalmine - with his scalp taken the dreaded liberal conspiracy will go after some of the seriously big right wing names. We can only hope.
Anyone who's been paying attention to my writing would know I don't advocate the banning any type of speech but Imus was in the commercial marketplace - that's what led to his downfall. Whether or not his employers were truly morally outraged by what Imus said, advertisers were pulling the plug so Imus had to go. I have to seriously doubt that the broadcasters themselves were troubled by what Imus said - isn't that the sort of shit he's expected to do?
Of course it may be that I'm simply deeply cynical. The fact that I see their "apologies" as nothing more than a desperate attempt to protect their commercial interests could be a reflection on me more than them.
Maybe I should apologise.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
300
Mr Angry presents for your viewing pleasure that blood-soaked, digitally enhanced, homoerotic fantasy spectacle inspired by the legends of Ancient Greece. Oh wait... that's the other 300. This is my 300th video on YouTube.
This is the condensed version of what I've been doing since around Christmas: videos 200-299. Even though it's condensed be warned, it still runs for 18 minutes. It's an interesting insight into how many different ways I can say "fuck". Yes, my juvenile sense of humour compelled me to include swearing in the majority of the 5-10 second grabs you'll see in this compilation. Enjoy.
This is the condensed version of what I've been doing since around Christmas: videos 200-299. Even though it's condensed be warned, it still runs for 18 minutes. It's an interesting insight into how many different ways I can say "fuck". Yes, my juvenile sense of humour compelled me to include swearing in the majority of the 5-10 second grabs you'll see in this compilation. Enjoy.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We don't apologise
My friend Adrian and I have a rule: we don't apologise. It helps that we're actually pretty unlikely to do anything serious enough to warrant an apology but some people feel compelled to apologise profusely over trivial things. Our rule was born out of an incident where we were supposed to arrange to catch up but both of us were overtaken by events and got too busy to follow it up.
Lo and behold, a month passed without us getting in contact. When we finally did catch up we did start out with a little awkward conversation:
"Wow, we suck at following through, don't we?"
"Yeah, we're bastards."
Then we put it behind it and said fuck it, let's not waste time apologising. In case you're thinking that's me being a heartless bastard again, those were actually Adrian's words. It's actually remarkably therapeutic - knowing you don't have to dwell on things and can focus on what's ahead rather than what's past.
Like I said, I think the success of this approach is predicated on a level of trust that nothing too horrible is going to happen and I don't think it's applicable to all situations. For instance, I wouldn't try this approach with a lover - the boundaries are different and there's a different level of intimacy so when you screw up an apology is often called for.
But I really get pissed off at people who apologise all the time. Particularly when it's done as a reflex and they're actually not all that sorry about it or at least they don't plan to expend much energy making sure it doesn't happen again. They start pouring out their overdone apology as a reflex and they expect me to say "that's all right" as a reflex. And you know what? Often it really isn't all right. What I really want to say is:
"That happened because you're a fuckwit. If you spent less time apologising and more time working on not being a fuckwit, then you'd have less to apologise for."
I like to be helpful like that.
Lo and behold, a month passed without us getting in contact. When we finally did catch up we did start out with a little awkward conversation:
"Wow, we suck at following through, don't we?"
"Yeah, we're bastards."
Then we put it behind it and said fuck it, let's not waste time apologising. In case you're thinking that's me being a heartless bastard again, those were actually Adrian's words. It's actually remarkably therapeutic - knowing you don't have to dwell on things and can focus on what's ahead rather than what's past.
Like I said, I think the success of this approach is predicated on a level of trust that nothing too horrible is going to happen and I don't think it's applicable to all situations. For instance, I wouldn't try this approach with a lover - the boundaries are different and there's a different level of intimacy so when you screw up an apology is often called for.
But I really get pissed off at people who apologise all the time. Particularly when it's done as a reflex and they're actually not all that sorry about it or at least they don't plan to expend much energy making sure it doesn't happen again. They start pouring out their overdone apology as a reflex and they expect me to say "that's all right" as a reflex. And you know what? Often it really isn't all right. What I really want to say is:
"That happened because you're a fuckwit. If you spent less time apologising and more time working on not being a fuckwit, then you'd have less to apologise for."
I like to be helpful like that.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Final Connection
I got the final connection in my new home this morning - the bright and shining cable that brings me Pay TV (hurrah! I can watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report tonight!) and high speed internet access. Now I might actually get around to connecting my PC.
My first goal if all goes well is to finish editing my 300th YouTube video. Yes, you heard that right, I am so devoid of a life that I have actually used a significant chunk of the last year to create 300 original videos for YouTube. I've posted somewhere in the region of 200 of these to this blog which makes for a decent chunk of the 500 posts over the last year. My god, 500 blog posts and 300 videos. For no good reason. It isn't as if I get paid for it.
Actually, that isn't strictly true. I've been paid (and I assume I'm going to continue to be paid) for doing stuff for The Fizz on DirecTV and that never would have happened without YouTube. So who knows? Maybe there's more return than the shallow gratification my ego gets from knowing that people are watching my ridiculous shenanigans (closing in on half a million video views) and a significant proportion of those people are enjoying what I do.
The 300th video will be similar to the ones I did at the 100 and 200 milestones - a short grab of each of the videos from the past 100. I've already done about 70% of the editing so I'm hoping to post it in the next day or so. I have fun seeing how many swears I can fit into the compilation (believe it or not, I don't swear in every video). Hopefully you'll have fun watching it.
My first goal if all goes well is to finish editing my 300th YouTube video. Yes, you heard that right, I am so devoid of a life that I have actually used a significant chunk of the last year to create 300 original videos for YouTube. I've posted somewhere in the region of 200 of these to this blog which makes for a decent chunk of the 500 posts over the last year. My god, 500 blog posts and 300 videos. For no good reason. It isn't as if I get paid for it.
Actually, that isn't strictly true. I've been paid (and I assume I'm going to continue to be paid) for doing stuff for The Fizz on DirecTV and that never would have happened without YouTube. So who knows? Maybe there's more return than the shallow gratification my ego gets from knowing that people are watching my ridiculous shenanigans (closing in on half a million video views) and a significant proportion of those people are enjoying what I do.
The 300th video will be similar to the ones I did at the 100 and 200 milestones - a short grab of each of the videos from the past 100. I've already done about 70% of the editing so I'm hoping to post it in the next day or so. I have fun seeing how many swears I can fit into the compilation (believe it or not, I don't swear in every video). Hopefully you'll have fun watching it.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Time And Relative Dimensions In Moving House
The title of this post is a little joke for Doctor Who fans. The Doctor's primary form of transport is the TARDIS which stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. The dimensions of time and space don't follow expected rules with the TARDIS - it's able to travel through time and it's bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside.
Anyone who has moved house will see where I'm going with this. The normal rules of time and space do not apply when you are moving house:
And how is it, that even though I'm moving from a smaller place into a bigger place, it seems like all the crap is never going to fit into the new place? It's all finally in now but it's piled up all over the house. And I want to put it in order but that's hard to do because the furniture and storage units aren't in their proper places but you can't put the furniture in the right places because of all the goddam boxes!
The only possible answer is that the cosmos itself is against me! The very laws of times and space are being twisted just to screw up my life.
Anyone who has moved house will see where I'm going with this. The normal rules of time and space do not apply when you are moving house:
- Every time you think "this will take about another hour" you'll be lucky if you're done in six hours.
- Every time you think you have enough boxes it will turn out that you have less than half the number you need.
- And every time you think "this is the last load of stuff I need to cart around to the new place" there will be more fucking stuff that you missed.
And how is it, that even though I'm moving from a smaller place into a bigger place, it seems like all the crap is never going to fit into the new place? It's all finally in now but it's piled up all over the house. And I want to put it in order but that's hard to do because the furniture and storage units aren't in their proper places but you can't put the furniture in the right places because of all the goddam boxes!
The only possible answer is that the cosmos itself is against me! The very laws of times and space are being twisted just to screw up my life.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Black Friday
It's Black Friday and some luck has finally gone my way - I have electricity in my new house. I won't actually have internet at home until next week so you may not hear much from me this weekend.
Until that's all sorted out, here's a quick Friday th 13th video. I'm not particularly superstitious, but I happen to be in possession of a tie that seems to have dark powers...
Until that's all sorted out, here's a quick Friday th 13th video. I'm not particularly superstitious, but I happen to be in possession of a tie that seems to have dark powers...
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Testing the air
Strange goings-on afoot at work today. There's this weird little device chugging away making a noise that sounds sort of like the air filter in a fish tank. There's a sign attached saying it's testing air quality so I guess it does kinda work like a fish tank air filter. This is probably linked to pretty much everyone in the department getting sick recently.
I'm the sort of person who actually feels less secure when he sees overt security measures in place. There's a major Synagogue near my place that employs security that look like CIA spooks (I like to call them "Jews on patrol" - not to their faces). They look the real deal: suits, earpieces, talking into their sleeves.
Some people would look at them and say "phew, these fine lads and ladies will keep us safe." I look at them and think "holy fuck! Has there been a bomb threat or something? Why the fuck are these guys out in the street?"
So when I see something testing the air, I don't think "I'm glad they're looking after us. I think "Oh shit, I'm going to die - we're obviously being poisoned."
Actually the really cynical side of me thinks the sensor will be deliberately set to produce a favourable reading so they can tell us all to stop being hypochondriacs and get back to work. So I have a plan. I'm going to get my sickest cow-orker to cough gobs of phlegm straight into the sensor. That should overload it and make it look like we're having an outbreak of bubonic plague.
I'm expecting the health department to shroud the whole building in plastic sheeting any second now.
I'm the sort of person who actually feels less secure when he sees overt security measures in place. There's a major Synagogue near my place that employs security that look like CIA spooks (I like to call them "Jews on patrol" - not to their faces). They look the real deal: suits, earpieces, talking into their sleeves.
Some people would look at them and say "phew, these fine lads and ladies will keep us safe." I look at them and think "holy fuck! Has there been a bomb threat or something? Why the fuck are these guys out in the street?"
So when I see something testing the air, I don't think "I'm glad they're looking after us. I think "Oh shit, I'm going to die - we're obviously being poisoned."
Actually the really cynical side of me thinks the sensor will be deliberately set to produce a favourable reading so they can tell us all to stop being hypochondriacs and get back to work. So I have a plan. I'm going to get my sickest cow-orker to cough gobs of phlegm straight into the sensor. That should overload it and make it look like we're having an outbreak of bubonic plague.
I'm expecting the health department to shroud the whole building in plastic sheeting any second now.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Moving is bullshit
My house move enters its final phase tomorrow with my girlfriend's stuff being moved into the new house and electricity (theoretically) being connected so we can actually live in the new house. The electricity connection remains a theoretical possibility because the bastards were meant to connect it last Thursday but didn't do it. And they didn't do anything helpful like tell us they didn't do it - we had to find that out for ourselves.
At the start of a four day weekend.
What a wonderful surprise that was. And the rat bastards responsible for it weren't answering their phones until Tuesday. The emergency number wouldn't do anything about it because they handle emergencies not connections. And they really didn't care how much my life had been fucked up. And I wasn't surprised on Tuesday morning when the connection company didn't give a shit and blamed it on me.
The whole setup is made harder because the electricity supply is broken up into "wholesalers" and "retailers". Only a retailer can book your connection but only a wholesaler can actually make the connection. This cosy little setup lets the fuckers blame each other when they fuck things up.
The same bullshit happened with my cable connection for internet and pay TV. Responsibility for this is divided between Telstra (phone/internet company) and Foxtel (pay TV). So when I want it switched off at one place and switched on in another they say this required a tech to visit which means a two week delay and a $100 fee.
I point out this is bullshit because the cable connection is active by default, they just have to start the connection and billing remotely. I know this because I've been through this before and all the fucking tech did was plug a fucking cable into a fucking socket in the fucking wall. I might be slightly dim but even I can manage that alone. What was the response to my complaint?
Telstra: That's a Foxtel policy, we can't do anything about it.
Foxtel: That's a Telstra policy, we can't do anything about it.
These fuckers think they have plausible deniability and when you call them out on it they simply repeat stock phrases from scripts and refuse to actually respond to what you're saying. When the dust settles on this move I have an active letter-writing campaign planned. The evil sacks of shit will ignore the letters of course but I'll feel better for writing them and getting it out of my system. I just need to find some heat resistant paper so the letters won't burst into flames as I compose them.
At the start of a four day weekend.
What a wonderful surprise that was. And the rat bastards responsible for it weren't answering their phones until Tuesday. The emergency number wouldn't do anything about it because they handle emergencies not connections. And they really didn't care how much my life had been fucked up. And I wasn't surprised on Tuesday morning when the connection company didn't give a shit and blamed it on me.
The whole setup is made harder because the electricity supply is broken up into "wholesalers" and "retailers". Only a retailer can book your connection but only a wholesaler can actually make the connection. This cosy little setup lets the fuckers blame each other when they fuck things up.
The same bullshit happened with my cable connection for internet and pay TV. Responsibility for this is divided between Telstra (phone/internet company) and Foxtel (pay TV). So when I want it switched off at one place and switched on in another they say this required a tech to visit which means a two week delay and a $100 fee.
I point out this is bullshit because the cable connection is active by default, they just have to start the connection and billing remotely. I know this because I've been through this before and all the fucking tech did was plug a fucking cable into a fucking socket in the fucking wall. I might be slightly dim but even I can manage that alone. What was the response to my complaint?
Telstra: That's a Foxtel policy, we can't do anything about it.
Foxtel: That's a Telstra policy, we can't do anything about it.
These fuckers think they have plausible deniability and when you call them out on it they simply repeat stock phrases from scripts and refuse to actually respond to what you're saying. When the dust settles on this move I have an active letter-writing campaign planned. The evil sacks of shit will ignore the letters of course but I'll feel better for writing them and getting it out of my system. I just need to find some heat resistant paper so the letters won't burst into flames as I compose them.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The best shows at the 2007 Melbourne Comedy Festival
While nominating anything as the "best" is subjective by nature, and therefore horribly inaccurate, here are my recommendations for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival. While I'm in disclaimer mode, I'll add another point: it's obvious that I can't know about all of the hundreds of shows in the festival so if any diamond in the rough feels unfairly slighted by being left off my "best of" feel free to contact me and try and convince me why you are best in show.
Also, the big names don't need my endorsement (their shows are probably sold out anyway) so I'm mentioning acts more in the "up and coming mode". Mind you, if anyone famous sent me free tickets I'd plug their show. I'm a shameless whore.
Danny McGinlay - Star Spangled Bender
Previously featured on this blog (click on the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab at the top of this page to see the videos), Danny is premiering his new show at this year's festival. Armed with his copy of "U.S. History for Dummies" and his own experiences travelling the USA, Danny explores 500 years of history in an attempt to answer such unanswerable questions as "how does that same country that votes for George W Bush give us the Simpsons?" Go along and try to stump him - he's not just funny, he's encyclopaedic. (at the Stork Hotel in 504 Elizabeth St, Melbourne)
Dave Bushell - Dirt, War... & why I don't eat the fishies
This man breathes history. In his new show, Dave outs members of his own family as actual Nazis, implicates himself in Princess Diana's death and admits he probably has mad cow disease. Dave was nominated for Best Newcomer in the 2006 Festival and his show at last years Fringe Festival was also a huge success. Check him out in the videos section as well. (at Forty Five Downstairs, 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne)
Dave Thornton - Euromission
I had intended to get some video features from Dave as well but never got around to it. I did however check out his show in last year's festival and he was bloody hilarious. His show this year is based on his European odyssey where he visited every country that had won the Eurovision Song Contest title. How could he possibly fail? (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Miss Rochelle's School for Very Naughty Girls
OK, the title says it all. If that doesn't hook you in, I don't know what will. Seriously, go check out the video with Benn Harrison under the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab - Miss Rochelle is a force to be reckoned with. An improvised show (and isn't it always fun to watch performers risking life and limb by improvising?) with a new mystery every night this is definitely a one of a kind show. And it promises lots of hot hockey action! (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Richard McKenzie - In Mint Condition
I've got a soft spot for someone who builds their show around all the things that make up nerd life. Richard explores comics, movies, role-playing, online worlds and more. So put on your favourite Star Wars tee, grab your 20 sided die and maybe even get a taste of Richard's humour first by checking out the videos previously featured on this blog. (at the Portland Hotel, 115 Russel St, Melbourne)
Sammy J - Cyclone
I haven't featured any videos with Sammy on this blog although I did blog about his show during last year's festival. My girlfriend and I decided to check out his show after bumping into him handing out flyers on the street (we decided to reward his hard work) and we weren't disappointed. Sammy won "Best Newcomer" last year so we weren't the only ones who thought he was funny. Cyclones don't hit Melbourne very often so this is a special event. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
Tommy Dassalo - The Third Guy
Everybody remembers that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and most people know that Buzz Aldrin was second but who remembers the third guy on that mission? Tommy brings history's forgotten faces to life and furthers his own quest to avoid being a forgotten third guy himself in his new show. Tommy is widely touted to be huge one day so see him now (actually, right now - go look at the videos on the feature page) while he's still medium sized. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
So that's my recommendations for now. With all the chaos of moving house I probably won't get to see as many shows as I'd like but if I hear of any more gems I'll let you know.
Also, the big names don't need my endorsement (their shows are probably sold out anyway) so I'm mentioning acts more in the "up and coming mode". Mind you, if anyone famous sent me free tickets I'd plug their show. I'm a shameless whore.
Danny McGinlay - Star Spangled Bender
Previously featured on this blog (click on the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab at the top of this page to see the videos), Danny is premiering his new show at this year's festival. Armed with his copy of "U.S. History for Dummies" and his own experiences travelling the USA, Danny explores 500 years of history in an attempt to answer such unanswerable questions as "how does that same country that votes for George W Bush give us the Simpsons?" Go along and try to stump him - he's not just funny, he's encyclopaedic. (at the Stork Hotel in 504 Elizabeth St, Melbourne)
Dave Bushell - Dirt, War... & why I don't eat the fishies
This man breathes history. In his new show, Dave outs members of his own family as actual Nazis, implicates himself in Princess Diana's death and admits he probably has mad cow disease. Dave was nominated for Best Newcomer in the 2006 Festival and his show at last years Fringe Festival was also a huge success. Check him out in the videos section as well. (at Forty Five Downstairs, 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne)
Dave Thornton - Euromission
I had intended to get some video features from Dave as well but never got around to it. I did however check out his show in last year's festival and he was bloody hilarious. His show this year is based on his European odyssey where he visited every country that had won the Eurovision Song Contest title. How could he possibly fail? (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Miss Rochelle's School for Very Naughty Girls
OK, the title says it all. If that doesn't hook you in, I don't know what will. Seriously, go check out the video with Benn Harrison under the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab - Miss Rochelle is a force to be reckoned with. An improvised show (and isn't it always fun to watch performers risking life and limb by improvising?) with a new mystery every night this is definitely a one of a kind show. And it promises lots of hot hockey action! (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Richard McKenzie - In Mint Condition
I've got a soft spot for someone who builds their show around all the things that make up nerd life. Richard explores comics, movies, role-playing, online worlds and more. So put on your favourite Star Wars tee, grab your 20 sided die and maybe even get a taste of Richard's humour first by checking out the videos previously featured on this blog. (at the Portland Hotel, 115 Russel St, Melbourne)
Sammy J - Cyclone
I haven't featured any videos with Sammy on this blog although I did blog about his show during last year's festival. My girlfriend and I decided to check out his show after bumping into him handing out flyers on the street (we decided to reward his hard work) and we weren't disappointed. Sammy won "Best Newcomer" last year so we weren't the only ones who thought he was funny. Cyclones don't hit Melbourne very often so this is a special event. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
Tommy Dassalo - The Third Guy
Everybody remembers that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and most people know that Buzz Aldrin was second but who remembers the third guy on that mission? Tommy brings history's forgotten faces to life and furthers his own quest to avoid being a forgotten third guy himself in his new show. Tommy is widely touted to be huge one day so see him now (actually, right now - go look at the videos on the feature page) while he's still medium sized. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
So that's my recommendations for now. With all the chaos of moving house I probably won't get to see as many shows as I'd like but if I hear of any more gems I'll let you know.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Things you don't want to hear...
... as you move into your new house:
The neighbour practicing the drums. Heavy metal style. Loudly. And badly.
Faaaaaaarrrrrrrrrk!
The neighbour practicing the drums. Heavy metal style. Loudly. And badly.
Faaaaaaarrrrrrrrrk!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
My mood
Allow me to sum up my current mood and indeed my whole life at the moment with three words:
Moving. Fucking. Sucks.
Moving. Fucking. Sucks.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Laughter Therapy
I don't know about you but my stress levels are fairly high lately. But rather than sit back and let my brain explode I decided to get some therapy. I'm too cheap and lazy to actually go out and get any professional therapy so I decided to take matters into my own hands. This video shows my cure-all for a bad mood - laughter therapy with my kids:
I recommend keeping this link handy for when you need therapy. Maybe even forward it to anyone you know who needs help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkuABH3vcM4
I recommend keeping this link handy for when you need therapy. Maybe even forward it to anyone you know who needs help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkuABH3vcM4
Thursday, April 05, 2007
The Angry Pedestrian
I've sounded off several times in the past at things stupid pedestrians do to make me angry but of course I'm often a pedestrian and there are many stupid things people do to me in this circumstance that make me angry as well. First and foremost are dickheads who apply "the rule of tonnage" to pedestrians. Namely, "I'm bigger than you and made of metal so you'd best watch the fuck out."
The fact that pedestrians are squishy and vehicles are hard has resulted in all sorts of laws and protocols that attempt to provide some sort of balance. These include things like footpaths, pedestrian crossings and crossing lights. None of which are a guaranteed protection against some of the fuckwits out there. The most extreme examples that I have personally been subjected to include:
Being with someone who was hit by a bus while he was standing on the footpath. As large buses come into stops they tend to "swing" in at an angle which results in their front end crossing well onto the footpath. This happened to my friend - he was completely on the footpath (not leaning out onto the road as some dickheads tend to) but he had his back to the bus so he didn't know what it was doing.
The fucking bus driver, on the other hand, was looking straight at him. The driver didn't stop despite the fact he was heading straight at a pedestrian. He didn't slow down. He didn't change trajectory. He didn't even beep his fucking horn in warning. And the prick acted like he'd done nothing wrong when my friend accosted him.
Luckily, all my friend received in this case was a shock and a bruise but there was a case in Sydney when a bus did this at speed and hit a semi-famous soap star and sent her flying through the air. She was knocked out when she hit a wall but more through good luck than good management she didn't suffer any permanent injury.
Another instance I recall is when a dickhead bike courier nearly took me out while I was on a footpath. The spandex-clad moron came barrelling around a corner on a crowded footpath and missed me by a few millimetres. It's unlikely he would have killed me but it would have hurt like hell. By the way, I don't know about where you live, but here you aren't allowed to ride bikes on the footpath. So, beyond being a dick, he was breaking the law.
In my shock I uttered a fairly quiet "fucking moron!" Spandex boy took offence at that, stopped his bike and leaned threateningly towards me saying "What did you say?" Now, I really fucking hate bike couriers, they're such ponces. In Sydney they tended to hang around in groups, clearly thinking they're cool and above mere mortals. I always wanted to yell at them "It's a fucking job, not a sub-culture you knuckle-dragging wankers!"
Anyway, one thing working as a bike courier tend to do for you is give you pretty impressive muscle tone. This guy was taller than me (not hard - I'm a shortarse) and had way more body mass. He knew he had these advantages and was trying to exploit them to the max. But I was really pissed off. I literally screamed in his face "I said you're a fucking moron! This is the footpath you ignorant prick, I hope you get taken out by a truck at the next intersection!" This scored some laughs from the other pedestrians and made the dickhead back off. And it sure as hell made me feel better.
One more story, this one about a pedestrian crossing. I have people tell me they deliberately don't look at cars when they're crossing a road where they have right of way. They think this puts all the responsibility on the driver. Maybe it does but most car drivers don't give a shit about you. I do the exact opposite - I stare right into the car driver's eyes so they can't pretend they don't see me. This also gives me a pretty clear indication if they're not going to stop and I have to jump out of the way.
In one case, I was crossing a fairly narrow road in a suburban shopping street. Their was one none-too-generous lane in each direction, cars parked on both sides, lots of people and a speed limit of 50km/h. Not the sort of place you expect some dickhead to come speeding down the road. So when I saw I guy thundering down the road at around 75-80km/h in his V-8 tiny penis compensator straight at the pedestrian crossing I watched him very closely.
I kept expecting him to stop and he kept not stopping. I had only taken about three steps which put me right in front of him and he was only a short distance away and still not slowing down. At the last second I jumped out of the way (literally) and he chose the same moment to slam on the brakes, creating a cloud of smoke and drawing quite a lot of attention to himself.
So I got back to my feet and started walking again. This fuckwit had the nerve to the try and make it my fault. He said something out the window along the lines of "You're supposed to look before you cross the road." That was it. I snapped. I stopped and seeing as the wanker had his window open to impart his wisdom to me, I took the opportunity to impart straight back at him. At the top of my lungs.
"I was looking you fuckwit, that's how I avoided being run over! This is a fucking pedestrian crossing! I don't wait for you, you wait for me. Not running over pedestrians is not an option that you get to decide on a fucking whim! And there's a speed limit here as well! Just shut the fuck up and piss off before I call a cop!"
It's amazing how good I felt after that. Sometimes it's the little things that can brighten you whole day.
The fact that pedestrians are squishy and vehicles are hard has resulted in all sorts of laws and protocols that attempt to provide some sort of balance. These include things like footpaths, pedestrian crossings and crossing lights. None of which are a guaranteed protection against some of the fuckwits out there. The most extreme examples that I have personally been subjected to include:
Being with someone who was hit by a bus while he was standing on the footpath. As large buses come into stops they tend to "swing" in at an angle which results in their front end crossing well onto the footpath. This happened to my friend - he was completely on the footpath (not leaning out onto the road as some dickheads tend to) but he had his back to the bus so he didn't know what it was doing.
The fucking bus driver, on the other hand, was looking straight at him. The driver didn't stop despite the fact he was heading straight at a pedestrian. He didn't slow down. He didn't change trajectory. He didn't even beep his fucking horn in warning. And the prick acted like he'd done nothing wrong when my friend accosted him.
Luckily, all my friend received in this case was a shock and a bruise but there was a case in Sydney when a bus did this at speed and hit a semi-famous soap star and sent her flying through the air. She was knocked out when she hit a wall but more through good luck than good management she didn't suffer any permanent injury.
Another instance I recall is when a dickhead bike courier nearly took me out while I was on a footpath. The spandex-clad moron came barrelling around a corner on a crowded footpath and missed me by a few millimetres. It's unlikely he would have killed me but it would have hurt like hell. By the way, I don't know about where you live, but here you aren't allowed to ride bikes on the footpath. So, beyond being a dick, he was breaking the law.
In my shock I uttered a fairly quiet "fucking moron!" Spandex boy took offence at that, stopped his bike and leaned threateningly towards me saying "What did you say?" Now, I really fucking hate bike couriers, they're such ponces. In Sydney they tended to hang around in groups, clearly thinking they're cool and above mere mortals. I always wanted to yell at them "It's a fucking job, not a sub-culture you knuckle-dragging wankers!"
Anyway, one thing working as a bike courier tend to do for you is give you pretty impressive muscle tone. This guy was taller than me (not hard - I'm a shortarse) and had way more body mass. He knew he had these advantages and was trying to exploit them to the max. But I was really pissed off. I literally screamed in his face "I said you're a fucking moron! This is the footpath you ignorant prick, I hope you get taken out by a truck at the next intersection!" This scored some laughs from the other pedestrians and made the dickhead back off. And it sure as hell made me feel better.
One more story, this one about a pedestrian crossing. I have people tell me they deliberately don't look at cars when they're crossing a road where they have right of way. They think this puts all the responsibility on the driver. Maybe it does but most car drivers don't give a shit about you. I do the exact opposite - I stare right into the car driver's eyes so they can't pretend they don't see me. This also gives me a pretty clear indication if they're not going to stop and I have to jump out of the way.
In one case, I was crossing a fairly narrow road in a suburban shopping street. Their was one none-too-generous lane in each direction, cars parked on both sides, lots of people and a speed limit of 50km/h. Not the sort of place you expect some dickhead to come speeding down the road. So when I saw I guy thundering down the road at around 75-80km/h in his V-8 tiny penis compensator straight at the pedestrian crossing I watched him very closely.
I kept expecting him to stop and he kept not stopping. I had only taken about three steps which put me right in front of him and he was only a short distance away and still not slowing down. At the last second I jumped out of the way (literally) and he chose the same moment to slam on the brakes, creating a cloud of smoke and drawing quite a lot of attention to himself.
So I got back to my feet and started walking again. This fuckwit had the nerve to the try and make it my fault. He said something out the window along the lines of "You're supposed to look before you cross the road." That was it. I snapped. I stopped and seeing as the wanker had his window open to impart his wisdom to me, I took the opportunity to impart straight back at him. At the top of my lungs.
"I was looking you fuckwit, that's how I avoided being run over! This is a fucking pedestrian crossing! I don't wait for you, you wait for me. Not running over pedestrians is not an option that you get to decide on a fucking whim! And there's a speed limit here as well! Just shut the fuck up and piss off before I call a cop!"
It's amazing how good I felt after that. Sometimes it's the little things that can brighten you whole day.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Things I almost did for April Fool's Day
I had a few ideas for April Fool's day that I didn't go with. The first was that I was going to drop the Mr Angry persona in favour of becoming Mr Serious. Mr Serious would take everything seriously. Far too seriously.
Mr Serious would take issues that were either utterly inconsequential or obviously jokes and treat them as if they were the most serious issue in the history of humanity. The one goal in life for Mr Serious would be to convince the world how serious everything was. Except serious issues. He wouldn't touch those.
I didn't do Mr Serious as an April Fool's joke because I might actually do that character for real.
Another thing I though of doing for April Fool's was the following video saying I was doing an ad for a bank. I didn't do it on April Fool's Day because I was too goddam lazy. I did get around to doing it the day after - I hope you like it.
Mr Serious would take issues that were either utterly inconsequential or obviously jokes and treat them as if they were the most serious issue in the history of humanity. The one goal in life for Mr Serious would be to convince the world how serious everything was. Except serious issues. He wouldn't touch those.
I didn't do Mr Serious as an April Fool's joke because I might actually do that character for real.
Another thing I though of doing for April Fool's was the following video saying I was doing an ad for a bank. I didn't do it on April Fool's Day because I was too goddam lazy. I did get around to doing it the day after - I hope you like it.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Still Angry After All These Years
Just to show that yesterday's post was an April Fool's joke (apart from the stuff about milestones - that was true) WHY THE FUCK DO SOME PEOPLE BRAKE AS THEY APPROACH GREEN LIGHTS? Some people hate drunk drivers. Some people hate fast drivers. Some people hate slow drivers. I just really fucking hate stupid drivers.
I can think of two frames of mind that could contribute to someone braking as they approach a green light. One would simply be when they are too fucking stupid to remember that green means go (this is actually the camp that I suspect most stupid drivers belong to). The second option would be that they think "Hmmm, that's been green for a while. It might change before I get there and I don't want to have to jam on the brakes at the last second. I should start slowing down now and see if it goes red."
If this is the case with you, may I suggest the following: fucking deal with it already! I'm no fan of the people who speed through orange lights (or worse yet, red lights) but braking while the light is green is stupid. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy: of course the fucking light will change if you slow down enough. Here's what the different colours actually mean:
GREEN: Go. How simple is that? Just. Fucking. Go.
ORANGE: If you can stop without slamming on the brakes then do so. If the light turns orange just as you reach it, it's perfectly acceptable to go through. You don't have to jam on the brakes and you don't have to slow down while the light is still green.
RED: Stop. Not speed through because "it only just turned red." Not go through because you're impatient or you're frustrated with how many times you've been stopped in traffic. It's pretty bloody simple really.
Having to go to work sucks. Having to drive sucks even more. Having to deal with flat-out stupid people in traffic raises the whole thing to a new level of sucktasticness. I'm in a nostalgic mood still thinking about my past year of posts. To go back to one of my early outcries: what the hell is wrong with you people?
I can think of two frames of mind that could contribute to someone braking as they approach a green light. One would simply be when they are too fucking stupid to remember that green means go (this is actually the camp that I suspect most stupid drivers belong to). The second option would be that they think "Hmmm, that's been green for a while. It might change before I get there and I don't want to have to jam on the brakes at the last second. I should start slowing down now and see if it goes red."
If this is the case with you, may I suggest the following: fucking deal with it already! I'm no fan of the people who speed through orange lights (or worse yet, red lights) but braking while the light is green is stupid. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy: of course the fucking light will change if you slow down enough. Here's what the different colours actually mean:
GREEN: Go. How simple is that? Just. Fucking. Go.
ORANGE: If you can stop without slamming on the brakes then do so. If the light turns orange just as you reach it, it's perfectly acceptable to go through. You don't have to jam on the brakes and you don't have to slow down while the light is still green.
RED: Stop. Not speed through because "it only just turned red." Not go through because you're impatient or you're frustrated with how many times you've been stopped in traffic. It's pretty bloody simple really.
Having to go to work sucks. Having to drive sucks even more. Having to deal with flat-out stupid people in traffic raises the whole thing to a new level of sucktasticness. I'm in a nostalgic mood still thinking about my past year of posts. To go back to one of my early outcries: what the hell is wrong with you people?
Sunday, April 01, 2007
My Wordpress-iversary
Well, I made it through March so that means I've officially been blogging every day for over a year. I managed to get past 200,000 views before the end of the months as well which was nice (just one of many milestones I wouldn't have dreamed of reaching when I started). I am going to keep going but this feels like the sort of momentous milestone where I should make a major announcement about my future, so here goes:
From now on I will only blog in a positive tone. No more angriness.
From now on I will only blog in a positive tone. No more angriness.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Something different - me without a mask
Seriously. I actually don't wear a mask in this video . I still think you can't really see my face because of the lighting I used but a few people on YouTube got excited when they saw it. I ought to give the same disclaimer here I did on YouTube:
I HAVEN'T GONE EMO! This is actually a piece I wrote about 20 years ago. It is about death and it is about a true story but I think I've managed to get over the events described in the intervening decades so don't worry about me.
So without further ado, I present me doing a dramatic reading: "The Bonfire".
I HAVEN'T GONE EMO! This is actually a piece I wrote about 20 years ago. It is about death and it is about a true story but I think I've managed to get over the events described in the intervening decades so don't worry about me.
So without further ado, I present me doing a dramatic reading: "The Bonfire".
Friday, March 30, 2007
Homophobia and Homoeroticism
Here's a bit of inside information for those who may not know: when you're a male, you learn from a very early age that terms like fag, poof and homo are insults. These days most people don't see "gay" slurs as particularly strong insults but they remain insults due to homophobia. From my experience, the driver for people's homophobia falls into one of the following camps (or it might cross a few of them):
Homophobia can have funny effects on men's behaviour. The dominant stereotype is that gay=effeminate so to distance themselves from any potential gayness, many men get obsessive about being "manly". It seems like a good theory but the insistence on surrounding yourself with other many men and performing acts of physical prowess can't help but, well, seem a little gay. I find it funny how often homophobia and homoeroticism cross paths. In Australia particularly this can get extreme. One of my favourite jokes is "An Australian male's definition of a poofter is anyone who likes women more than beer".
I'm continually being called gay on YouTube for example because, by mainstream standards for men, I'm expressive (particularly with my hands) as well as articulate and well-spoken. People (usually males) tend to say it because they think, according to the stereotype, it might be true and/or they think it's an insult. I fail to see how the topic can be of any relevance to anyone, male or female, straight or gay, unless they want to suck my dick. People interested in sucking my dick may feel free to contact me privately.
There are many good jokes about the boundaries between male camaraderie and homosexuality, a favourite of mine can be found online - the trailer for a fictional film that combines sequences from "Back to the Future" with the themes of "Brokeback Mountain". In "Brokeback to the Future" we learn the truth of the relationship between Doc and Marty. It's a beautiful story. What I find really funny is that they could create the gay mood just by using images and dialogue that already existed in the original movie.
More recently, someone tried to do the same thing with the movie "300" with far less success. It fails for two main reasons (1) it simply isn't as well-done as "Brokeback to the Future" (although some of the editing is good) and (2) you're trying to find "hidden" homoerotic subtext in a film about near-nude Spartans? Ummm, guys, how good is your knowledge of history?
What I found far funnier than the video was some of the comments it inspired. 300 has been very popular with young men. And many young men are desperate to assert that they are not gay. Homophobic reasoning often follows this path: "if I like something gay or admire someone who's gay, that might mean I'm gay. Therefore I don't like anyone who's gay and nothing I like is gay." This train of thought came out pretty strongly in some of the comments like:
"show some repect to the spartans you idiot ... the Athenians were into sodomization with their pages, not Spartans ... Too hard to make spartans look gay ... Dumbb video. you CANNOT make 300 seems gay (grammatical errors are in the original) ... actually spartans looked down upon homosexuality ... spartans were straight, athenians were gay ... just doesn't work with this movie ... i dont think that 300 guys that have KIDS and like to kill people are going to be gay."
Boys, boys, boys. I think all homophobia is stupid. If you're going to try and justify your homophobia, you might want to avoid making yourself even more stupid by making idiotic assertions that fly in the face of all current historical that I'm aware of. When you thrash around like this, tying yourself in knots saying "NOTGAYNOTGAYNOTGAYNOTGAY", honestly, it just looks like you're trying to hide something.
- Religious or cultural indoctrination
- Thinking gay sex is gross
- A fear that a gay guy is going to come on to them and violate their precious heterosexual butthole (this fear is unique to men and is usually totally unfounded - the men most paranoid about this tend to be completely unattractive to gay men)
- A fear (in men again) that they will be seen as gay if they aren't homophobic
- Repression of actual gay feelings (seriously, look up the studies - most aggressively homophobic men are closet cases)
Homophobia can have funny effects on men's behaviour. The dominant stereotype is that gay=effeminate so to distance themselves from any potential gayness, many men get obsessive about being "manly". It seems like a good theory but the insistence on surrounding yourself with other many men and performing acts of physical prowess can't help but, well, seem a little gay. I find it funny how often homophobia and homoeroticism cross paths. In Australia particularly this can get extreme. One of my favourite jokes is "An Australian male's definition of a poofter is anyone who likes women more than beer".
I'm continually being called gay on YouTube for example because, by mainstream standards for men, I'm expressive (particularly with my hands) as well as articulate and well-spoken. People (usually males) tend to say it because they think, according to the stereotype, it might be true and/or they think it's an insult. I fail to see how the topic can be of any relevance to anyone, male or female, straight or gay, unless they want to suck my dick. People interested in sucking my dick may feel free to contact me privately.
There are many good jokes about the boundaries between male camaraderie and homosexuality, a favourite of mine can be found online - the trailer for a fictional film that combines sequences from "Back to the Future" with the themes of "Brokeback Mountain". In "Brokeback to the Future" we learn the truth of the relationship between Doc and Marty. It's a beautiful story. What I find really funny is that they could create the gay mood just by using images and dialogue that already existed in the original movie.
More recently, someone tried to do the same thing with the movie "300" with far less success. It fails for two main reasons (1) it simply isn't as well-done as "Brokeback to the Future" (although some of the editing is good) and (2) you're trying to find "hidden" homoerotic subtext in a film about near-nude Spartans? Ummm, guys, how good is your knowledge of history?
What I found far funnier than the video was some of the comments it inspired. 300 has been very popular with young men. And many young men are desperate to assert that they are not gay. Homophobic reasoning often follows this path: "if I like something gay or admire someone who's gay, that might mean I'm gay. Therefore I don't like anyone who's gay and nothing I like is gay." This train of thought came out pretty strongly in some of the comments like:
"show some repect to the spartans you idiot ... the Athenians were into sodomization with their pages, not Spartans ... Too hard to make spartans look gay ... Dumbb video. you CANNOT make 300 seems gay (grammatical errors are in the original) ... actually spartans looked down upon homosexuality ... spartans were straight, athenians were gay ... just doesn't work with this movie ... i dont think that 300 guys that have KIDS and like to kill people are going to be gay."
Boys, boys, boys. I think all homophobia is stupid. If you're going to try and justify your homophobia, you might want to avoid making yourself even more stupid by making idiotic assertions that fly in the face of all current historical that I'm aware of. When you thrash around like this, tying yourself in knots saying "NOTGAYNOTGAYNOTGAYNOTGAY", honestly, it just looks like you're trying to hide something.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
IT Leaders who Inspire
Inspired by Jerome at The Corporate Cynic I have decided to take a break from detailing work issues and people that make me angry and write about qualities in people I have worked for and with who were capable of inspiring the best from people rather than simply demanding it. OK, to provide contrast I'm going to give negative examples as well but this is still more positive than my usual approach.
I'm going with the generic terms of "leaders" because the roles filled by the people who inspired this post have varied over the years. Some have been team leaders, some have been project managers, some have been departmental managers and some have been CIOs. The Corporate Cynic does a good job of covering qualities that are applicable in any industry but for this post I'm going to focus on qualities that are of particular value in IT leaders. Arguably, these traits have value beyond IT environments but they are more integral to an inspiring IT leader.
A passion for technology Great IT leaders don't have to be hardcore geeks but if they aren't passionate about technology, if they aren't excited about the possibilities of the future then they're hardly going to inspire enthusiasm in their staff. IT staff can tell a mile off when a manager is only interested in climbing the corporate ladder and has no passion for the work.
Knowing they aren't the smartest It's actually often a bad idea to promote the best programmer (for example) to management. Good workplaces find ways to reward good IT workers other than pushing them away from what they are good at and into management. Strong IT leaders understand the concepts behind the technology but are happy to acknowledge when superior expertise exists within the team. Bad managers refuse to admit when someone is smarter than them and refuse to take the advice of people who know better than them simply because they happen to be subordinate.
Knowing how to promote IT within the business The best managers I have worked with have gone beyond protecting IT staff from office politics and have actively promoted the benefits of IT at board level. The confidence this gives IT staff helps them deliver better quality results. Bad managers promote themselves at the expense of the IT department. They take credit for success and blame the team for problems.
Provide a vision Doing this right can be a bit of a balancing act. The dynamic nature of IT make providing a compelling vision even more important for inspiring workers. Steve Jobs might not be God but the level of direction he gives Apple is a major factor in the dedication of the staff and the company's success. But there has to be integrity and depth behind any talk of vision - IT staff can smell bullshit in this area a mile off.
These are some qualities that can help a leader inspire IT workers. Of course all the other good stuff covered by the Corporate Cynic should be there too - being honest, respectful, supportive, dependable.
Why is this even important? The number of bad managers who place no importance on inspiring staff provide fuel for a million blogs. The "do what you're paid to and stop complaining" attitude is so common it seems like it must be taught at day on of business school. But I know from experience that, on average, being "inspired" is far more important to IT workers than it is for many other. Most IT people start working in IT because they love the work. They start "working" on IT long before they're employed to do it.
And sadly, truly inspiring IT leaders are few and far between. Most bad managers I have been subjected to seem to take active joy in treating their staff badly. They think giving staff more than the minimum is inefficient and a waste of time and money. But in purely economic terms, giving IT staff inspiration is one of the most valuable things a manager can. Inspired IT workers will willingly work longer, harder and produce higher quality work.
The thing is, leaders capable of inspiring their staff probably don't need any advice from me. And I worry that bad managers will exploit the above tips by using the other lesson they learn on the first day of business school: once you learn to fake sincerity, everything else is easy.
I'm going with the generic terms of "leaders" because the roles filled by the people who inspired this post have varied over the years. Some have been team leaders, some have been project managers, some have been departmental managers and some have been CIOs. The Corporate Cynic does a good job of covering qualities that are applicable in any industry but for this post I'm going to focus on qualities that are of particular value in IT leaders. Arguably, these traits have value beyond IT environments but they are more integral to an inspiring IT leader.
A passion for technology Great IT leaders don't have to be hardcore geeks but if they aren't passionate about technology, if they aren't excited about the possibilities of the future then they're hardly going to inspire enthusiasm in their staff. IT staff can tell a mile off when a manager is only interested in climbing the corporate ladder and has no passion for the work.
Knowing they aren't the smartest It's actually often a bad idea to promote the best programmer (for example) to management. Good workplaces find ways to reward good IT workers other than pushing them away from what they are good at and into management. Strong IT leaders understand the concepts behind the technology but are happy to acknowledge when superior expertise exists within the team. Bad managers refuse to admit when someone is smarter than them and refuse to take the advice of people who know better than them simply because they happen to be subordinate.
Knowing how to promote IT within the business The best managers I have worked with have gone beyond protecting IT staff from office politics and have actively promoted the benefits of IT at board level. The confidence this gives IT staff helps them deliver better quality results. Bad managers promote themselves at the expense of the IT department. They take credit for success and blame the team for problems.
Provide a vision Doing this right can be a bit of a balancing act. The dynamic nature of IT make providing a compelling vision even more important for inspiring workers. Steve Jobs might not be God but the level of direction he gives Apple is a major factor in the dedication of the staff and the company's success. But there has to be integrity and depth behind any talk of vision - IT staff can smell bullshit in this area a mile off.
These are some qualities that can help a leader inspire IT workers. Of course all the other good stuff covered by the Corporate Cynic should be there too - being honest, respectful, supportive, dependable.
Why is this even important? The number of bad managers who place no importance on inspiring staff provide fuel for a million blogs. The "do what you're paid to and stop complaining" attitude is so common it seems like it must be taught at day on of business school. But I know from experience that, on average, being "inspired" is far more important to IT workers than it is for many other. Most IT people start working in IT because they love the work. They start "working" on IT long before they're employed to do it.
And sadly, truly inspiring IT leaders are few and far between. Most bad managers I have been subjected to seem to take active joy in treating their staff badly. They think giving staff more than the minimum is inefficient and a waste of time and money. But in purely economic terms, giving IT staff inspiration is one of the most valuable things a manager can. Inspired IT workers will willingly work longer, harder and produce higher quality work.
The thing is, leaders capable of inspiring their staff probably don't need any advice from me. And I worry that bad managers will exploit the above tips by using the other lesson they learn on the first day of business school: once you learn to fake sincerity, everything else is easy.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Uncle Angry's bedtime story
Here's something a little different after the turmoil I was posting about yesterday. I think we could all benefit from relaxing a bit. And what could be more relaxing than sitting back while your Uncle Angry reads you a bedtime story? So take your shoes off, lean back and let me tell you all about "A Quiet Day In ToyTown..."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
It's the same old story
I rarely join in on the blag-o-spheroid buzz of the day but I do feel compelled to throw in my 2c on the events that have a massive number of people all a-twitter today. Essentially, a rather high-profile (and rather good) blogger, Kathy Sierra, has been subject to some extremely vile and graphic harassment. She details the events here on her blog (I should throw in the obligatory warning here - I wasn't joking when I said graphic. Consider yourself duly warned before you follow that link.)
The actions of the people involved are utterly reprehensible and inexcusable. And you know what else? This. Is. Normal. This is how people behave online. The only difference I can see in this case is that the perpetrators seem to be connected to some incredibly high-profile people. I imagine those people are in major arse-covering mode right now.
I find the majority of reaction from other bloggers slightly confusing. The outpouring of support for Kathy Sierra is fantastic but the recurring "I can't believe this happened" theme simply boggles my mind. Really? You can't believe people would do this? What fucking internet are you using?
It isn't that I'm not outraged by this - I am. I'm just not surprised. Maybe I've spent too long on YouTube (as xkcd put it so eloquently, the behaviour of YouTube haters is bad even by internet standards.) I've gotten so used to receiving violent, anti-semitic (ironic considering I'm not Jewish) and homophobic (ironic considering I'm not gay) threats that I thought everyone was used to that standard of behaviour. I've also repeatedly seen the most vile, disgusting attacks imaginable levelled at women and children.
Ever wondered why I post anonymously and wear a mask when I make videos? Astute readers will note that I've done that from day one. It wasn't an afterthought. I'm not doing it retrospectively as a results of some vile little troll. I thought it through ahead of time and realised it was going to be very important. Sometimes it pays to have a very low opinion of humanity in general. You're so rarely proven wrong.
So I am having a little trouble understanding why people are so surprised by this. I remember one prominent female YouTuber said she was going to stop making videos unless something was done about the haters. I hope she does the right thing by herself and never goes back to YouTube. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and if you don't have sufficient psychic armour to withstand the assaults then you're far better off staying out of the online fray altogether. It's a sensible response (I'm not sensible).
Kathy Sierra has cancelled a public appearance and is seriously considering not returning to blogging. I can't blame her. I would like to throw a few questions at Robert Scoble, who's taking a week off blogging in support/protest. In his announcement, one of the things he said was "We have to fix this culture. For the next week, let’s discuss how." Fix it? You mean change the behaviour of thousands of (mostly) young (mostly) male fuckwits who get their jollies by launching cowardly, vile attacks against people who don't deserve it? You really think you're going to fix that?
Short of rounding them all up and shooting them (they aren't as anonymous as they think) there is no "fix" for this problem. So far as I can see, there's just dealing with it and not contributing to it. And as for taking a week off, it's a noble show of support for someone who deserves support but don't you realise that these gutless little dweebs would see that as a victory?
This is how the internet works. I thought people realised that.
The actions of the people involved are utterly reprehensible and inexcusable. And you know what else? This. Is. Normal. This is how people behave online. The only difference I can see in this case is that the perpetrators seem to be connected to some incredibly high-profile people. I imagine those people are in major arse-covering mode right now.
I find the majority of reaction from other bloggers slightly confusing. The outpouring of support for Kathy Sierra is fantastic but the recurring "I can't believe this happened" theme simply boggles my mind. Really? You can't believe people would do this? What fucking internet are you using?
It isn't that I'm not outraged by this - I am. I'm just not surprised. Maybe I've spent too long on YouTube (as xkcd put it so eloquently, the behaviour of YouTube haters is bad even by internet standards.) I've gotten so used to receiving violent, anti-semitic (ironic considering I'm not Jewish) and homophobic (ironic considering I'm not gay) threats that I thought everyone was used to that standard of behaviour. I've also repeatedly seen the most vile, disgusting attacks imaginable levelled at women and children.
Ever wondered why I post anonymously and wear a mask when I make videos? Astute readers will note that I've done that from day one. It wasn't an afterthought. I'm not doing it retrospectively as a results of some vile little troll. I thought it through ahead of time and realised it was going to be very important. Sometimes it pays to have a very low opinion of humanity in general. You're so rarely proven wrong.
So I am having a little trouble understanding why people are so surprised by this. I remember one prominent female YouTuber said she was going to stop making videos unless something was done about the haters. I hope she does the right thing by herself and never goes back to YouTube. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and if you don't have sufficient psychic armour to withstand the assaults then you're far better off staying out of the online fray altogether. It's a sensible response (I'm not sensible).
Kathy Sierra has cancelled a public appearance and is seriously considering not returning to blogging. I can't blame her. I would like to throw a few questions at Robert Scoble, who's taking a week off blogging in support/protest. In his announcement, one of the things he said was "We have to fix this culture. For the next week, let’s discuss how." Fix it? You mean change the behaviour of thousands of (mostly) young (mostly) male fuckwits who get their jollies by launching cowardly, vile attacks against people who don't deserve it? You really think you're going to fix that?
Short of rounding them all up and shooting them (they aren't as anonymous as they think) there is no "fix" for this problem. So far as I can see, there's just dealing with it and not contributing to it. And as for taking a week off, it's a noble show of support for someone who deserves support but don't you realise that these gutless little dweebs would see that as a victory?
This is how the internet works. I thought people realised that.
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