Me losing my shit

Every now and then I really cut loose in a video for the sheer cathartic joy of it. This is one of those times. In this video I offer conclusive scientific evidence that haters are morons and you shouldn't let them bother you.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=xC8mQzjpNNc]

This rant actually went on for quite a while and I cut a chunk out for time saving purposes. Then the video was extremely popular on YouTube so I decided to upload the excised portion (I also think it sand up quite well on its own:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=8lX_TH3Fcs4]

People often say things like isn't getting that angry bad for your blood presure? In a word -no. This power of catharsis is a great way to lower stress levels. I recommend it to everyone.

Inggers and coons in Australia

Inflammatory, who - me?

That'sa actually a strictly factual description of the imortant news story covered in this video.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BVGsD0ZeTQ]

A totally true story!

I thought YouTube were censoring this at first because of the title but I guess something must have just gone wrong with the first upload. I bet a few people will be surprised to hear of the existence of a "Nigger" Brown stand and Coon cheese in every supermarket.

This pig needs lipstick

That heading ought to get the Sarah Palin freak squad all wound up. Relax, you uptight dickheads! I'm talking about a pig that actually matters today - Bruce the giant pig.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=SahzvpievwQ]

I swear this story is true. There are even pictures!

Angry Venn Diagram

I am often asked how I decide what to write and/or do videos on. Well the thought process is a complex one. It is executed with mathematical precision. With that in mind, I present the Angry Venn Diagram:

angry venn diagram

I do like to offend people but I have to offend the just right!

Campaign advice for John McCain

I've decided I need to be more even-handed when looking at the US Presidential Election. With that in mind, John McCain needs some help. And I'm just the man to give him the advice he so desperately needs.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=-c6nW40ABm4]

Never let it be said that I don't help people out when I get the chance.

This might seem familiar

I've been doing my old trick of using blog posts as scripts for YouTube videos. So these might seem familiar but I hope you enjoy them. This one is me taking this piss out of a job advertisement (thanks to the readers whose lines I used/adapted):

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=EJP3ats7AxE]

And this one is me going off about angry disabled people. This really seemed to touch of some seething resentment against disabled people among YouTube commenters as well.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=9_vwv5eoeVw]

Angry disabled people

Having a run-in with an angry disabled person is a weird experience. If an able-bodied person gets up in my face over something it's rare that I won't lash out straight back at them. But with a disable person, that feels kind of... wrong. Even for me. A couple of examples:
I was going through a doorway at a shopping mall when two guys were walking out at the same time. It was a fairly wide doorway so I didn't see much problem. You know how when you're passing someone you do that thing where you turn slightly to the side pulling your shoulder out of the way so there's more room for each of you? Well I did that as I passed and everything would have been fine if the other guy had done the same thing.
Except he didn't. So we smacked shoulders fairly hard. And he had the nerve to go off at me and start swearing when he was the one who made no effort to get out of the way. So I turned and was about to tear into him when I realised why he was so pissed off. It turns out he's blind. The second guy was guiding him by holding his elbow so the blind dud didn't have to use a cane or a dog to get around. He was wearing dark glasses but I figure we was a wanker who wore his sunglasses inside.
With the help of his friend the blind guy was able to walk confidently and quickly. Which was the whole problem. He was so confident I had no idea he was blind. So it was all his fault for not being more obviously disabled. He should have been more blind.
Another case: there's a guy in a motorised wheelchair in my neighbourhood and he has a very bad attitude. He also seems to have supercharged his wheelchair because I've never seen one as fast as his. He also drives it on the road a lot - I'm guessing that's because he wouldn't be able to open it up full throttle on the footpath. Plus he gets to vent his frustration at the world.
Again, I'm guessing that's his motivation. He's pissed off at his life and is more or less daring the cars to end it. He's faster than pedestrians but slower than cars and he's also hard to see when you're driving and he's zipping in and out all over the place so I don't think it's a stretch to say he's at least passively suicidal.
At first I thought he was a jerk. Then I thought about it and realised that given the lot life has dealt him, being pissed off at everyone and everything is a reasonable response. I know if I ended up in a wheelchair I'd be the angriest motherfucker around. I'd run over people's toes and if they complained I'd back over their foot just to make a point.
"HEY! What are you complaining about? I'm in a fucking wheelchair here! You could drive a fucking truck over my feet and I wouldn't feel a damn thing! Count yourself lucky that it hurts when I run over you. Now leave me a lone you working-leg-having motherfucker!"

Taking the PIS

Looking through job ads sometimes depresses me because of the way they commonly spout mumbo-jumbo jargon as if it actually means something. It leaves me wanting to grab the next recruiter who uses the phrase "leverage core competencies" and leverage their core competencies straight down their fucking throat.
But sometimes the job ads make me laugh. Usually because I have a very juvenile sense of humour. Case in point: today I saw an ad for a Process Improvement Specialist in a government department. This caught my eye for a few reasons. First, it's the type of work I do. Second, it was a one year contract with the government that sounded like a complete boondoggle. Hide away in some massive bureaucracy and charge massive consultant fees for a year. Payday!
But most importantly, the acronym for the job title was PIS. Did I mention the part about me being juvenile? I wondered if I'd be able to resist saying in a job interview that the job sounded like a piece of piss?
But if I was going to interview, I'd need to come up with the right jargon. Government departments love their jargon. I considered saying that I thought the role of the Process Improvement Specialist would be to Facilitate the Adoption of Revolutionary Thinking in the department. But they probably spend all their time PIS-FARTing around already and don't need my help for that.
I also cogitated that the PIS might promote Widespread Enterprise Application Knowledge. But that sounded a bit PIS-WEAK. I'm sure somebody can help me with some other ideas.

Spring is in the air

We had our first nice spring weather this weekend in melbourne so I took full advantage of it. And I like to share. Not that I'm gloating but if you're in the Northern Hemisphere, this means your summer is just about done. And damn I like my new camera.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=jDoLYH8X43o&fmt=18]

I also uploaded this video to a site called Vimeo where it looks better. Check it out:

[vimeo 1727690]

Last text message from Anne Frank

I’m planning on doing a video of my blog post from yesterday (often they way I do things) and they way I develop my videos is often I play the performance about over and over in my head to get a sense of what delivery will work best. Now you know one of my secrets. In fact, my grilfriend can tell when I’m planning something because I walk around gesturing and mouthing words. I have to be careful not to do that at work. People already think I’m crazy enough.
Anyway, I was thinking about how to play out my “tips for using the internet effectively” points. And I was thinking of ways to imagine historical figures using modern technology. And I imagined Anne Frank’s last text message:
THE NZIS WIL NVR FIND ME! THEY R SO LAME! LOL!
I’m a bad, bad person.

Kids today

I was just reading an article titled "On Stupidity" which in general terms is one of a long line of essays and books bemoaning the decline of intellectualism. The article is written by an American Professor of English (I feel for the guy, it must suck being an academic in America these days) and he touches all the usual bases regarding the problems he sees with new students.
It was, however, refreshing how positive his conclusion was. I was fully expecting this to be another "kids today" moan but he acknowledges that young people for all their perceived shortcomings may actually be better prepared for the rapid changes facing the world. This was a relief because I hate it when people reflexively blame everything on young people. I hated it when I was a kid and I hate it now.
If you could find the oldest writings in antiquity, I swear it would be complaining about kids at some point. Daubed on a cave wall somewhere are marking that were the maker's way of saying "What the hell is wrong with kids today? They've got no respect, they never listen and don't even get me started on that noise they call music!" Every single generation has copped this shit and every generation of adults think they have a harder time with kids than the generation before.
The article provides a handy checklist of the shortcomings the Professor sees with his incoming students:
Primarily focused on their own emotions — on the primacy of their "feelings" — rather than on analysis supported by evidence.
Uncertain what constitutes reliable evidence, thus tending to use the most easily found sources uncritically.
Convinced that no opinion is worth more than another: All views are equal.
Uncertain about academic honesty and what constitutes plagiarism. (I recently had a student defend herself by claiming that her paper was more than 50 percent original, so she should receive that much credit, at least.)
Unable to follow or make a sustained argument.
Uncertain about spelling and punctuation (and skeptical that such skills matter).
Hostile to anything that is not directly relevant to their career goals, which are vaguely understood.
Increasingly interested in the social and athletic above the academic, while "needing" to receive very high grades.
Not really embarrassed at their lack of knowledge and skills.
Certain that any academic failure is the fault of the professor rather than the student.
Like I said, his conclusion is very balanced otherwise I'd be kind of pissed off by what looks like a "same old, same old" list of complaints. But I would make two points about that list. First, as I look around me, that list isn't the problem with young people, it's the problem with people! Look at the debacle the "debate" going on around the US Presidential elections is descending into if you don't believe me. Young people definitely aren't responsible for that bullshit.
Second, kids don't exactly have a lot of power over the path they follow to get to university. Kids don't run the schools that fail to provide them with a better education. Kids don't run the media that is consistently doing a disgustingly effective job of dumbing down public discourse. And kids definitely don't run the governments that seem hell bent on fucking up anything and everything that might possibly make things better.
The complaints about digital media and the internet dumbing everything down really shit me to tears. The powers that be are terrified of the idea of information getting out of their control. The internet is one of the most powerful tools for the dissemination of knowledge that humanity has seen. The fact that is can be used to spread trivialities and lies is not the fault of the internet, it's the fault of people pushing lies and trivia.
Like every generation, kids aren't failing they are being failed. Instead of obsessing that the internet is teaching kids to skim and they're losing their ability to explore ideas in depth, educators and parent need involve the internet in the learning process. And for that to work, us old people have to work! It's pathetic to think in a world that is changing so fast education has to be locked into old ways of learning. The idea that the internet can't provide depth is flat out ridiculous. With one click on a search engine you can find thousands of references for any topic. It just requires a little creative thinking to come up with ways to explore depth.
Try these:
Use a search engine to research a topic. You have to use at least three different sources. You can't use anything that shows up in the first 50 search results.
Instead of saying you can't use Wikipedia because it's unreliable (a common restriction), use Wikipedia but you have to reference the talk page for each topic. Explore the conflicts/differences of opinion that are creating edits. Find other sources that back up the conflicting points of view.
Translate a classical text (poem, prose or play) into txt abbreviations and emoticons. Discuss what bits of meaning get lost in the translation. Do you think you can bring through the themes more clearly by using txt and/or emoticons?
Write a MySpace/Facebook/blog for a famous historical or fictional character.
Find someone (a journalist/academic/politician/pundit/blogger) you disagree with but you can still respect what they say/write. Explain why you find yourself able to respect someone's intelligence and/or honesty while still disagreeing with them.
Wow, why am I giving this stuff away? I should be charging some government department a fortune for saving the future like this. If you're a local teacher feel free to invite me in to run a session in your classroom. Actually, no. Don't invite me into a classroom. I'm sure one or both of us would end up being arrested. But feel free to use any of these ideas. I'd love to hear stories of any of them in action.
If you want to see a horrible yet funny vision of a constantly dumbed-down future, watch the movie Idiocracy. It may well be a documentary that slipped through a crack in space/time caused by the Large Hadron Collider. But if things turn out that bad, it won't be the fault of successive younger generations. It will be the fault of successive older generations who fail their children.

Heroin is fun

Heroin is fun*. It really is.
By which I mean, revulsion and fear regarding heroin use are so strong in so many people that even mentioning heroin tends to provoke a strong response. Also, not everyone shares my sense of humour.
Case in point: at work I'm getting one of my many drinks of high-caffeine cola I require to make it through a day. A drone cow-orker feels compelled to comment that this is an unhealthy thing to drink. I get really fucking sick of this type of comment. Usually I'd pretty much ignore it but I decided to respond.
"Well, given that I actually have very few bad habits I think I'll survive. I don't smoke and I rarely drink alcohol so let me have this vice."
She seems prepared to stop with the unwanted platitudes at this point so I probably should have left well enough alone. But she really annoyed me. So I followed up with:
"In fact, if it wasn't for the heroin I'd be leading quite a clean lifestyle."
This little throwaway line leads what I will charitably call an uncomfortable silence. She's staring at me with a look that seems to be equal parts shock, horror, revulsion and pity. I could do without the pity.
The first thought that goes through my head is "She can't possibly think that was anything but a joke. She doesn't have to think it's a funny joke but she must know it's a joke." Then I think about it for a while and realise this is the sort of unimaginative lump who gets all their "information" from nightly current affairs tabloid shows. She is clearly waiting for me to grow horns.
In situations like this, my mind tends to go a hundred miles an hour. I mentally run through multiple scenarios of how this could play out in seconds. None of the scenarios I was imagining were ending well. Every variation of "It was a joke!" had me looking like a junkie in denial. Or maybe a junkie who was getting agitated because he was strung out and in need of a hit.
Then the evil part of my brain took over. The part that thinks it's funny to fuck with repressed people. Hey, whispered my evil brain, if she's gonna treat that obvious joke seriously then go the whole way. Freak her the fuck out. Say something about "watch out for used syringes near my desk". Ask her if she can loan you some money. Or just roll your eyes and then collapse.
That last one started to sound real good. It would have a double bonus of scaring the cow-orker and I wouldn't have to finish the conversation. I could just lie on the floor until she ran away. Approximately three nanonseconds before I put this plan into action she backed out of the kitchen. I didn't hear running but it's distinctly plausible that she was sprinting for safety as soon as she was out of sight.
In retrospect, if you've just told someone you're using heroin, staring at them glassy-eyed until they leave the room isn't the best way to convince them you were joking.
*NOTE: This is not an endorsement of using heroin. If you're stupid enough to think it is then you're too fucking stupid to accept this disclaimer. Let's just go with "I'm a horrible and irresponsible person". And fuck you.

Melbourne graffiti history at gasworks

I teamed up a little while ago with another local who's heavily into the graffiti scene. I've posted lots of videos in the past showing the graffiti around Melbourne but I don't really know any detail about the scene. The guy you'll see in this video goes by the name DurtCityDestroyers on YouTube and he's running a gallery show at a gallery called Gasworks (ut's housed in an old gasworks building) that details the history of the Melbourne graffiti scene.

I'll warn you up front, this guy doesn't stop moving - he's stuck on permanent fast forward!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=RT1EtM-tJrE]

Oh, and I have no idea what the story is with the bloke in the helmet. Durt said he would explain it to me but I haven't heard from him recently. For anyone in Melbourne looking for something to do, the gallery launch is this Tuesday:

"Grassroots - an urban arts experience"
Gasworks Foyer Gallery
9th Sept - 20th Sept 2008
Launch on Tuesday 9th September 7pm - 9pm

Politics

I don't think I can bring myself to make much more comment on the GOP election campaign. The cynicism of nominating Sarah Palin for VP pretty much indicated the contempt they have for the whole process but the last few days of speeches have made it abundantly clear. I am absolutely at a loss for how to respond to the lies upon lies upon lies being spewed by the neocons and they way their vomit is being eagerly lapped up by their fanatical followers.
Look, I get that the evangelicals who form a small but inordinately powerful section of the Republican base don't respond to logic. They want god, god, god and most seem incapable of understanding that there are bigger and more important issues. In fact I'm sure that they are mortally shocked that I consider the possibility of anything being more important than their imaginary friend in the sky.
I also get that there's a core of the party that couldn't consider voting Democrat no matter what. I truly understand that. To be honest, I don't think I could ever vote for a socially conservative party no matter what else was going on.
I also get that there are people who aren't fanatically aligned to the Republican Party but on balance, they honestly feel that the policies most likely to be implemented by a Republican administration will be of most benefit to them personally and/or the country generally. People have different value systems. I get that. Intelligent people can disagree. This doesn't by definition make them stupid or evil.
But I am beyond disgusted by the behaviour of the people forming the public face of the Republican party. It is one thing to be partisan. It is one thing to attempt to spin things in your favour. But these people are fucking liars. Scum-sucking, shit-eating utterly contemptible lying sacks of shit. If you don't watch The Daily Show follow this link to see some video of these lying bastards directly contradicting themselves.
They straight up 100% contradict themselves. They describe a set of circumstances one way when it applies to Obama (for instance) and they describe the exact same circumstances in a 100% contradictory way when it applies to a Republican (usually Palin). These people are contemptible fucking scum. I am so fucking angry about this.
This is not even put on the Mr Angry mask and make a ranty video type of angry. Every time I play that possibility out in my head I come up with dozens of good lines to scream at the top of my lungs. But it's too serious for that. It frightens the fuck out of me that people do not get how serious this is.
And don't get me started on the stupid bastards who say "You don't live in America - you're not allowed to have an opinion about our president." First off - fuck you! Second, how can someone be oblivious to the impact American politics has on the world? Worse still, the sort of fuckwit who usually goes on about foreigners not having a right to comment is usually the same fuckwit who actively advocates military attacks on anyone they disagree with. Third, if the US economy tanks, the rest of the world gets hit hard. And Bush and the neocons have done their level best to utterly fuck the US economy and lie through their teeth while doing it. It astonishes me the degree of ignorance that exists regarding just how close to total collapse the US economy is.
Also, you guys are our fucking allies! It really hurts to see a country you want to support being led into some truly vile actions by an administration that has devolved into outright criminal behaviour. It's like watch a woman who repeatedly goes back to an abusive partner or seeing a friend slowly kill themselves with alcohol or drugs.
The small saving grace is I don't think it's going to work this time. I think the neocons have been lying for so long about so many things and getting away with it, they don't know any different. But I think enough of the American public is sick of this bullshit. Maybe I'm deluding myself. But I hope enough people are sick of the havoc wrought by Bush, the lies spun by the neocons and the negativity of these fanatical right wingers to kick the republicans in the arse. Hard.
There is a small glimmer of hope that at least some of the media are sick of running blatant Republican lies without questioning them. Time will tell if they actually have any balls or they will run scared at the predictable and patently false claim of "liberal bias".
The false reality being pedalled by the GOP, the blatant lies that are so easily provable as lies, stuns me. I have to assume that enough Americans see through this bullshit. Because we're all fucked if they don't.

Lloyd's is pants

For those who don't know, some incredibly polite people in England use "pants" as an insult. It essentially means rubbish or stupid. In the context of this story, a particular gentleman decided to express his displeasure with his bank, Lloyd's, by setting his account password to "Lloyd's is pants".

And then Lloyds decided to show just how pants they could be...

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=G1ojZbRm74g]

Vice President

I wonder how much longer John McCain can delay announcing his vice-presidential running mate? Clearly he's going to wait until the Democratic convention is over now but I wonder if he'll wait until just before the Republican convention? I did a bit of online checking and people have been predicting the announcement (and getting it wrong) for over a month now. The hot prediction now seems to be Friday the 29th of August with the reasoning being that it will take some of the steam out of the focus placed on Barack Obama accepting the Democratic nomination.
Oh, and I think Friday might also be McCain's 125th birthday.
It's clear he needs something to make him appear exciting and newsworthy. The Democratic convention has been marked by a series of high quality speeches and that isn't turf on which McCain can compete. It's actually quite painful to watch him try and appear interesting and then compare that to an Obama speech. Obama is without a doubt one of the most inspiring speakers in the modern world. And you know what? If being inspired doesn't matter to you, I don't give a shit.
No, really. Save it. I don't give a shit what you think.
I wonder how nervous it makes McCain to have to follow Obama? Seriously, having to compete with someone who's young, charismatic, eloquent and inspirational when you're a barely animated corpse can't make you feel good. Oh, and John? Stop smiling. I mean it. You're scaring the children. And the adults. That scary death's head rictus that you force out on the advice of your handlers does not humanise you. It makes it look like you're thinking of eating babies.
I want him to hurry up and announce his running mate because whoever becomes Vice-President is without doubt going to become President. Let's not fool ourselves, neither of these candidates are going to survive a term in office. The Feds may have decided the meth heads saying they were going to shoot Obama didn't actually have the mental capacity to carry out their threat but does anyone doubt there's a long line of crazy crackers with guns who refuse to accept the possibility of a nigger running the country? And McCain is looking like a bad re-run of "Weekend at Bernie's". There's no way he'd survive the stresses of office.
So we're looking at the most important Vice-Presidential picks in history. They aren't people who might become President if something happens to their boss, they will move into the big chair when something happens. The reaction to Biden in unsurprising. Some people love him, some people hate him. He seems to have attached his name to some good policies and some bad policies. He certainly has a reputation for mouthing off and being a loose cannon but he also seems to have a good track record of speaking truth to power.
Frankly, the method of attack employed by the Republicans has surprised me in it's stupidity. Biden's a bad choice because he's criticised Obama before. Really? Is there a Republican who hasn't hung shit on McCain at some point? They're practically writing the democrat's attack plan for them. I'm sure the Republicans had scripts of talking points worked out for every possible nominee. They're very good at talking points. Far less useful at actually doing something helpful for the country (and the world).
I think they've been so successful in their manipulation of the media they've become complacent. They continue to treat the public like morons by regurgitating clichés completely lacking in substance because they've gotten away with it so many times. I'm desperately hoping that the American public gives them they wake up call they deserve.
[youtube=
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=naxXOjHJgGU]

I don't like the look of you

Have you ever been in that weird situation where you have to work with someone who looks like someone you don't like? I'm facing that at the moment, by which I mean there's a guy at work who bears a striking resemblance to a person (from the online world) I can't stand. They aren't twins by any means but the guy at work could easily be the younger brother of the online troll.
This has two unfortunate effects. First, every time I pass this guy at work I'm reminded of a fuckwit I'd rather not waste time thinking about. Second, every time he says something I have to fight the urge to respond "What the fuck would you know? You're just some pathetic troll who wastes his days attacking people who are actually trying to do something worthwhile!"
I have a suspicion that were I actually to make that outburst, it would be a career-limiting move.
It actually reminds of a situation I had years ago in a shared house where I really, really, REALLY didn't like one of my housemates. It was pointed out to me that this housemate bore a striking resemblance to the actor Charles Dance. This proved to be a very interesting discovery to make because it turns out Charles Dance gets killed in nearly every movie he's in.
He goes in a satisfying variety of ways too. Sometimes he's shot, other times he's stabbed, blown up, eviscerated by an alien or falls to his death. Hell, in one movie he even had a statue dropped on him. It's incredibly cathartic to watch a convincing stand-in for someone you don't suffer a cavalcade of painful deaths.
This guy actually went from being a source of depression to a major source of entertainment. Any time he acted like a total dick (usually several times a week) the situation could be remedied by whacking on a Charles Dance movie. Followed by a long household discussion on our favourite way to see him die.

George Bush - president for life

[youtube=
Anyone familiar with my videos will know I'm usually quick to dismiss conspiracy theories as stupid paranoia so you may need some explanation for this video. The dialogue comes from the web site of a group called "Family Security Matters". They're a bunch of right wing nutbags who apparently think the US should nuke anyone who disagrees with them and that George Bush should declare martial law to make himself President for life and ultimately Emperor of the world. Oh, and they have direct links with Dick Cheney.

When their little piece of freakazoid propaganda got wide circulation they were apparently surprised to learn that the majority of the population thought they were fucking nuts. They took the article down after seeing the response but not before a number of websites copied the information.

And if you still think this is paranoid, you might want to look into the presidential order that allows Bush to declare martial law and suspend the constitution.

Personally, I'm working on the assumption none of this crazy shit will come to pass and the coming elections will pass without incident. But I wish they'd hurry up and happen so this nagging fear would go away.

I call bullshit on U2

There's a story doing the rounds that claims some new U2 tracks have been inadvertently leaked and found their way online. The way it's being reported, Bono was playing the tracks so loud in his French villa that a passer by was able to record them.

I call bullshit.

We're expected to believe that the record company and presumably the band want to guard these tracks so closely that they've demanded the low quality recordings be removed from where they have appearedonline. But at the same time we're expected to believe that Bono is stupid enough to have these top secret tracks blaring out his window at full volume. Actually, anyone trying to convince meBono is stupid is in with a chance.

This is a viral marketing campaign, pure and simple. It's been a while since the news of U2 releasing music was likely to set the world on fire. But come up with a clever angle: "Wooo, illicit! You can't have that!" and the media are all over it and giving them heaps of publicity.

I'm not saying it isn't effective marketing. I'm just not sure lying to your core audience is a good long-term strategy.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=c2oufRpJfk0]

Internet self-analysis

I've commented/joked before that the internet is essentially the largest human behavioural research laboratory in history. I sincerely hope there are a few PhDs being worked on that analyse the group dynamic we see at play here every day. I'm sure some great truth about the human condition is waiting to be illuminated.
While being immersed in the horror that is the internet is more than enough to make you completely lose faith in human nature, taking a breath now again and stepping back can be very helpful. Even the worst, most infuriating behaviour from morons can help you learn something if looked at from the appropriate angle.
For instance, people's tendency to slip into paranoia and conspiracy theories freaks me right out. From high end 9/11 "truth" whackjobs to the insane conclusions people leap to when interacting on sites like Facebook or YouTube. There are days when I think the majority of the planet have their brains set to a default "crazy" setting - it's the only explanation for the leaps some people make.
It would be one thing if it was only paranoid schizophrenics having conversations with the saucer people who made these crazed dives into deep chasms of illogicality. But perfectly rational people (or people who are good at covering a lot of the time) will frequently indulge in paranoid responses to perfectly straightforward situations. One example is they way people respond to a glitch YouTube has been having recently.
I suspect this actually coincides with the last "upgrade" to Flash as YouTube (like most video sites) uses a Flash player for their videos. Whatever the source, this bug has gone unfixed for way too long (at least a month) What happens is that videos frequently fail to play. When you click "Play" you see a little spinny thing that suggests the video is loading but nothing ever loads - the screen goes black.
Actually, not quite nothing. YouTube make it worse by displaying an incorrect error message: "The video you have requested is no longer available." Speaking as someone who occasionally takes on controversial topics, I am frequently receiving comments along the lines of "OMG what did you say? They've taken the video down! Big Brother is silencing free speech!" Well, no actually. It's just a shitty site with a shitty glitch.
But a LOT of people leap straight to a paranoid conclusion. I've learned to be less stunned by people's tendency to descend into paranoia. Besides, with the US Government making it clear they're indulging in wholesale surveillance of the entire population, CCTV cameras on every street corner in the UK and an internet overrun with idiotic trolls determined to fuck up your enjoyment of life, paranoid may as well be the new normal.
And then there's the tendency of people to lie. Most rational people have a healthy suspicion of authority figures and the media. Great pronouncements of truth have a disturbing tendency to turn out to be self-serving lies. And the internet has been a valuable tool in exposing many of these lies that would have otherwise escaped detection.
Mind you, the internet is also obviously a massive source of the most outrageous lies imaginable. And a horrifyingly efficient distributor of lies. Like most people, I spent a lot of time being appalled at the most egregious lies being circulated. I've spent time trying to debunk some of them. But you know what? Sometimes it's enough to take away the lesson "Wow, a lot of people tell lies. A lot of the time."
I'd love to tear down the houses of lies that the politicians live in. I'd love to expose the venal media hacks who lazily and shamelessly circulate these lies without applying any critical analysis. And I'd really love to make the gutless scumfucks on the internet take responsibility for the vicious lies they peddle. But I can't. There's too many of them. Accepting that simple fact can be incredibly liberating.
I see people lie about petty, trivial things all the time. I see people tell lies that are absurdly easy to prove are lies. Not differences of opinion, not misrepresentations, not mistakes. Deliberate, premeditated, calculated lies. And when so many people do this over completely meaningless things, how much more likely is someone to lie when there is something serious on the line? As much as the liars I've been confronted with online sicken me, they've helped me by ensuring my bullshit detectors are usually turned up to 11.
Just because it's on the front page of the New York Times doesn't mean it isn't a lie.
So the downsides of the internet have actually helped me balance my worldview. Learning those things about human behaviour is helpful. But a helpful lesson I frequently forget is that it can tell a lot about me too. How I respond to negativity can be a very good indication of how balanced my mindset is.
The worst of the negativity is always on YouTube. While I have had the occasional stupid troll on this blog, they're few and far between compared to the cavalcade of idiots on YouTube. I strongly suspect this is because interacting on a blog required the reading and the reading is more challenging than the looking YouTube requires of you. Don't get me wrong - I love the looking. But there's no denying the reading requires an additional level of commitment.
My reactions to YouTube trolls have varied wildly over the last two years, something that may well have a relationship to my mood swings over the same period. I've gone from grinding them into the ground, trading insult for insult until they give up, to having zero tolerance and deleting abusive comments instantly and blocking the worst offenders. At the moment I'm leaning more towards block/delete but indulging in the occasional slugfest when it seems funny.
But I'm very conscious of how much it consumes of my mental and emotional energy. Case in point: a little while ago, there was a particular YouTube dweeb who was really pissing me off. He was going the whole way, indulging in truly insane conspiracy theories about the motivations of myself and other people, telling pathetically obvious lies that weren't even worth debunking. And he would not shut the fuck up.
I spent a bus ride to work thinking of a way to get back at him and came up with quite a good idea for a video. I never go after individual people in videos so this would have been going after his sort of stupidity generally rather than him specifically. But it would have been obvious that I was going after him. And that made me pause.
While I have a lot of fun going after the hater mentality I've been careful not to make it about them. When I have a go at haters it isn't from some deluded idea that I'll make them change - it's a message of support to the other victims of their stupidity. Giving someone the message that they aren't being attacked because they've done something wrong, they're being attacked because their attacker is a fucking moron can really make a difference. It's easier to bear stupidity when you have a sense of solidarity with other decent people.
So I didn't make the video. Yet. I'm still going to make it because it's a bloody funny idea (IMHO) and I think people will enjoy it. But it needs more distance so it's about me doing something funny rather than simply me biting back at someone who pissed me off. The moment I made that decision was incredibly liberating. A huge amount of stress left me when I realised I wasn't letting this mentality control me.
And I didn't even have to say anything to the fuckwit in question. Because they don't count. That is something that I really hope decent people understand. Sometimes, not responding is the most powerful thing you can do. Because then you're living life on your terms, not theirs.
Living well really is the best revenge.

Angry motivational message

Tomorrow is Monday. I'm going to need some motivation. Maybe you will too.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=RuIJUH8DDjA]

Just call me the angry Anthony Robbins.

Vloggerheads

I'm experimenting with a new site called Vloggerheads. It's been started by some people who cut their teeth on YouTube and while I can't actually speak for the founders the intention seems to actually learn from what's gone wrong on YouTube. And by "wrong" I mean wrong from the point of view of users who create original content. This is an attempt to create a site that actually serves the community of people that create the videos on it.

It's kind of ironic because this site wouldn't exist without the success of YouTube but it's the very scale of YouTube's success that means it hasn't been able to serve the core community of video creators. Or they just don't give a shit and figure people can fend for themselves or piss off. One of the main people behind the site is one of YouTube's early "stars", Paul Robinett AKA Renetto. Here's a promo video he did for the site:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=KBIi13lP-o8]

That doesn't actually tell you a lot - hhere's the explanation he provided:

"Don't believe the hype... Experience it for yourself.

www.VloggerHeads.com

By Vloggers, For Vloggers. Screw the Middlemen, We are the Media, Viva La Vlogolution

A great community is not only defined by who you let in, but also, by who you keep out. Cyber Stalkers and Harassers, Porn Peddlers and Pedophiles.

Trolls and Scumbags beware... at VloggerHeads, the safety and security of our community is our biggest priority. We've accomplished in a week, what YouTube couldn't do in 3 years... Take out the trash!

If Your interested in receiving an invite, to see for yourself what the future of online community looks like, or better yet, to help shape it into a neighborhood you'd want to move into, please send us an email with your YouTube user name. If you've not posted any videos and have not taken part in this or any other online community, please be patient. We're just in the beginning stages of testing and tweaking and looking for "Lab Rats" 18 or older, with deep community experience and lots of free time!

Thank you so much...

Paul and the entire VloggerHeads community and Crew.

VloggerHeadsEmail@gmail.com"

It may well flame out quickly. It might stagger along for a while and die a slow death. Or it might be something really amazing. I'm willing to spend a bit of time experimenting to find out.

I'm better than you

Every now and then I throw out videos on YouTube I like to call hand grenades. I pull the pin and lob it out there and wait for the carnage. The "shut the fuck up" series were all hand grenades. Basically, I decide on someone who pisses me off and I bait them.

Severely.

The fun thing about stupid people (and everyone who disagrees with me is stupid) is they're so easy to wind up. There's no such thing as being too obvious with some people. You can make it blindingly obvious that you're out to get to them worked up but they can't hold back. I like to think of them as my little puppets - I pull the strings and they jiggle at my command. I'm evil like that.

It's more fun when I used their own stupid lines against them. Like when one of them recently said I wasn't better than him. Oh really?

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=7VEebF_xzSU]

Lazy babies

Damn babies. Lazy little buggers are just a drain on the economy. Set the to work, I say!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=3j1Lhh38W8k]

And for anyone knee-jerk bleeding heart holier-than-thou moron whoi demands that I say this is a joke: FUCK YOU. It isn't my problem that morons don't get irony. I refuse to cater to morons.

The day I met Apu

I was having a bit of fun at lunch today, sharing work horror stories with a friend. We covered the usual range of bad bosses and horrible cow-orkers and then we got on to interviews. I've complained about job interviews before but one area I've never really gone in to is what it's like to deal with vendors/salespeople.
I don't like to judge by appearances but I have this crazy idea when someone is trying to sell something to a corporate client, particularly when the contract crosses into the millions of dollars, they might make a fucking effort to appear professional. I don't go with a vendor solely because their guys dressed the sharpest but I'm never keen to go with someone who comes across as a total gimp.
Another thought is that a vendor should not come across as a criminal. Just another one of my prejudices. I know it's shallow to make judgements based on how someone sounds but I figure when you're planning to drop a few million you earn the right to be judgemental.
A personal favourite of mine was a guy who talked with a heavy East London accent, telling me about "dis fing" and "dat fing". For fans of classic British TV, think Arthur (Arfur) Daley on "Minder". He's extolling the virtues of his technology and all I can think of is "Holy crap, can't you even be bothered to take the time to pronounce 'th' properly?"
Then there was the day I met Apu. I have a very bad habit of equating nearly every experience in my life with something I've seen on The Simpsons. So when I was seeing a presentation from an Indian guy who had EXACTLY the same hair as Apu that took all of my focus. I didn't remember a damn thing he said. All I was thinking the entire time was "Dude, you have the same haircut as Apu."
Let me make this clear: He didn't sound like Apu (He never said "Thank you, come again" once). He didn't have the same features as Apu. It was just the hair. I became slightly obsessed about it. Did he realise it? Was it on purpose? Had anyone ever told him? Did he think it was a good idea to have the same hair as Apu? Does he not have friends? Does he not know anyone who cares enough to say "you have the hair of a fucking cartoon character! Get it cut!"
Actually, even if the hair was nothing to do with Apu it was still a worry. The thought of this guy lovingly sculpting a massive bouffant each day did not make me trust his judgement. But the idea that he might be deliberately going for the Apu look really weirded me out.
I guess what I'm say is that if you can be easily caricatured, I'm not sure sales is the career for you. Ideally a sales person would be remembered because of their professionalism. Not because they look like a cartoon character or Chopper Read.

YouTube gathering

I swear I'm planning to write something substantive soon. In the meantime, here's a roundup of what happened at the recent gathering of YouTubers I helped to organise in Melbourne:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=HcFCXP-bjfg]

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=iCKF_0t1PUs]

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=WUwWsTttEQw]

It started with balls and it ends with dick!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=u2zfco8ad1A]

Going commando

I've been riding to work lately. I decided to take advantage of the fact that for the first time in ages I'm working within a practical biking distance from home. As I'm grossly unfit that translates as about two suburbs or a half hour ride. So I've been riding in when weather permits. By "weather permits" I mean I'm a wuss and if it's raining or looks like raining or has recently been raining I won't ride my bike. Work sucks enough without being cold and miserable when I get there.
I have a few reasons for biking it: health (hopefully gaining a little of), ecological benefits and the fact that although I only live 7km from work the fucked up public transport system means the trip takes at least 45 minutes most days. I think I will dedicate a whole blog post to how fucked up the public transport system is. So, I'm losing some weight, getting to work faster and feeling less stressed. When cars don't try to kill me (another whole blog post).
Anyway, I'm still experimenting with some aspects of the ride. I take my work clothes in my backpack and there are shower facilities at work where I can get changed. I've mixed and matched various pieces of work apparel to discover which ones survive being rolled up in my backpack best. What I have learned is that I shouldn't vary my behaviour too much because every fucking time I change something I forget something.
Today, I came up with a brilliant idea regarding my underwear. I know this is a little intimate but I feel my audience is ready for it. The decision was to not wear any while I was riding. I have to change my sweaty jocks along with my other clothes when I get to work and I thought "Why bother?" I don't wear spandex when I ride so it isn't as if I'd be putting the family jewels on show (the way people decide they have to start wearing fucking spandex as soon as they start riding a bike is worth another blog post as well.) So I thought just wear trakky daks and change into undies along with my work clothes.
It made sense but that one change in behaviour fucked me up! Because I wasn't wearing underwear, I forgot to fucking packing any! So I get to work and I'm forced to face the whole day commando-style! And considering I'm wearing woollen suit pants, it's an uncomfortable experience. Besides the chafing, I hate the swinging in the breeze feeling. So much so, I think I'm going out shopping for some underwear.
Man, I HATE freeballing.

Going commando

I've been riding to work lately. I decided to take advantage of the fact that for the first time in ages I'm working within a practical biking distance from home. As I'm grossly unfit that translates as about two suburbs or a half hour ride. So I've been riding in when weather permits. By "weather permits" I mean I'm a wuss and if it's raining or looks like raining or has recently been raining I won't ride my bike. Work sucks enough without being cold and miserable when I get there.
I have a few reasons for biking it: health (hopefully gaining a little of), ecological benefits and the fact that although I only live 7km from work the fucked up public transport system means the trip takes at least 45 minutes most days. I think I will dedicate a whole blog post to how fucked up the public transport system is. So, I'm losing some weight, getting to work faster and feeling less stressed. When cars don't try to kill me (another whole blog post).
Anyway, I'm still experimenting with some aspects of the ride. I take my work clothes in my backpack and there are shower facilities at work where I can get changed. I've mixed and matched various pieces of work apparel to discover which ones survive being rolled up in my backpack best. What I have learned is that I shouldn't vary my behaviour too much because every fucking time I change something I forget something.
Today, I came up with a brilliant idea regarding my underwear. I know this is a little intimate but I feel my audience is ready for it. The decision was to not wear any while I was riding. I have to change my sweaty jocks along with my other clothes when I get to work and I thought "Why bother?" I don't wear spandex when I ride so it isn't as if I'd be putting the family jewels on show (the way people decide they have to start wearing fucking spandex as soon as they start riding a bike is worth another blog post as well.) So I thought just wear trakky daks and change into undies along with my work clothes.
It made sense but that one change in behaviour fucked me up! Because I wasn't wearing underwear, I forgot to fucking packing any! So I get to work and I'm forced to face the whole day commando-style! And considering I'm wearing woollen suit pants, it's an uncomfortable experience. Besides the chafing, I hate the swinging in the breeze feeling. So much so, I think I'm going out shopping for some underwear.
Man, I HATE freeballing.

666 - The nature of evil

Believe it or not, I've just posted my 666th video to YouTube. Being a metal fan from way back, I decided to do a Judas Priest tribute!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=wYL-Ox2K_7Y]

Finding a benefactor

I find myself feeling an odd sense of waywardness lately. I have my day job but I hardly love what I’m doing. I’m also in no rush to give it up because it pays well and I don’t find the work particularly hard. Then there’s the bloggy/video maing thing which I do love but pays me approximately the square root of fuck-all. This is hardly a problem of earth shaking proportions and I’m not feeling overly angst ridden about it. Just… wayward.

I have a job that more than pays the bills and a creative pastime that I enjoy. I should be happy. And I am, mostly. I just want more. To be specific, like most online media creators I dream of making a full time living doing this thing that I like to do. Hell, I’m 42. It’s about time I got started on an actual career that I care about.

Thinking about it, I realised I don’t necessarily have to make money from what I do online. I’d happily keep doing this for fun if I had a day job I was truly passionate about rather than simply good at. Oh, and it has to keep paying quite well too. I’m not a fucking charity. But whenever anyone asked me about a “dream” job I’ve always had a bit of trouble articulating an answer.

I came up with the best answer I’ve had for myself today while reading yet another article about how greedy telcos and complicit governments are making more and more moves towards crushing the open internet and replacing it with a gated, controlled system. Like pay TV. Or early AOL. Really fucking horrible in other words. More and more online geeks are getting up in arms about this. If I hadn’t already used “the square root of fuck all” in this post I would use it again to describe how much effect angry blog posts are going to have.

Thousands of angry geeks vs. a handful of greedy (and ultimately self-destructive) companies that have spent millions buying politicians. I wonder how that one’s gonna turn out. But after reading a few other things I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a ray of hope. Our last, best chance is Google.

I’m no Google cheerleader. I think the whole “Don’t be evil” thing is bullshit. Their involvement with China showed that “evil” is a rather mutable concept. But they aren’t a telco. And if the Telcos fuck the internet, they fuck Google. And I don’t think Google is going to stand by and let that happen.

The telcos and entertainment companies that want to strangle the internet have more money than god, which they’ve been using to buy politicians. They’re also greedy, stupid and scared because they have no idea what the future will bring. Google also have more money that god. And they happen to be smart. Very, very smart and their plan is to create the future.

So my dream job is to work for Google, specifically to help with their plans to fuck up the telco cartel. Because I really hate those pricks. And Google pay lots of money.

Or maybe I need to be independently wealthy. Win a lottery or something. Mental note: must purchase lottery ticket to win lottery. This raises your chance of winning from zero to just marginally above zero.

Why I love elitists

There are many things about the debasement of the political process in the USA and public discourse generally that make me angry. Not least is the practice developed and refined by the Republicans (and eagerly embraced by the Democrats) that the constant repetition of a lie makes it true. This manifests in many ways, from Bush making a speech about the economy (which he has fucking destroyed) in front of a backdrop repeating the phrase "Economy showing strong growth" to my personal favourite, deriding a candidate as "elitist".

The "elitist" one pisses me off the most for a few reasons. Firstly, in what sort of twisted, fucked-up Idiocracy style universe do you not want the elite running things? Why is having the world run by unintelligent "average folks" a good fucking thing? Excuse me, but given the choice between some spoiled, stupid motherfuckers like Bush and/or McCain and eloquent, well read individuals like Obama or Clinton I'll take the smart ones thank you very much.

My plea to leaders around the world: please be elitist. Do us all a favour and don't pander to the lowest common denominator. There's a reason stupid people don't often run things. They're fucking stupid. And they're almost never worth listening to. Elitism all the way!

The second reason this line pisses me off is because it's usually spouted by the most extreme elitists around. Seriously, I don't need multi-millionaires enlightening me as to who is elitist and who has the common touch. Whether it's mega-wealthy politicians who have led a life of privelege or or gasbag talking head media pricks with multi-million dollar contracts, these fucking hypocrites are the least qualified people on the fucking planet when it comes to knowing the common touch.

It's enough to make a body angry.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=wW1NUQZ0qew]

I hadn't intended to get this angry when I started making the video so i guess this topic must have been getting to me more than I realised.

Get together in Melbourne July 26th

I have no idea how many people who read this blog are actually in or around Melbourne. For anyone who is (or can be on July 26th) a few local YouTubers are having a get together in Federation Square starting at noon.

We've had these small get togethers before and we're trying to encourage more people to get out and meet up. Here's a few videos I've made with guys who have been involved in previous gathering:

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=-5RUvg1Vaew

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=awfFoh3mDE8

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=mJfQi6rZCsw

Storytime - Mr Angry and the Scientologists

I wasn't going to touch Scientology again for a while because I don't like to run themes into the ground but some of the comments that appeared on YouTube prompted me to follow up with a story I'd been considering sharing for a while. There were two main types of comments that prompted me to revisit the topic.

The first were comments from Scientologists. Some identified themselves as such and said they weren't so bad. More often, they claimed to not be Scientologists but proclaimed to support the "Church" of Scientology (CoS) in the name of fighting bigotry. These idiots were so laughably obvious I have no idea why they insisted on the charade. I guess they were going with the "sucker born every minute" line of thinking and they assume if they repeat blatant falsehoods often enough at least someone will believe them.

The second type of comments that troubled me were from atheists spouting the "all religions are the same" line. While that's a seductive line of thinking, particularly to unsophisticated thinkers, it simply isn't true. It's a lot of fun to say "They have crazy beliefs about other-worldly powers that defy logic? Sound like every religion to me," or "Their sole reason for existence is to control the minds and lives of their followers and take as much of their money as possible? Isn't that what Christianity has been doing for over 1,000 years?" The thing is, CoS is different.

From the first contact you have with them, the primary goal of CoS is to manipulate you. They want to find out what's important to you, how you think, what you want in life. And they won't hesitate to lie to you to bring you into their sphere of influence. The difference between CoS trying to get your money and, say, the Catholic Church (of whose methods I have intimate knowledge) trying to get your money is pretty straightforward.

Catholics try to guilt you into giving them your money voluntarily. CoS try to force you to pay for your enlightenment. Catholics are more than willing to give out their version of enlightenment free of charge. In fact, like most Christians, they'll gleefully push their beliefs and teaching on anyone who doesn't run fast enough. CoS absolutely will not share their teachings with anyone who does not pay for them. They have repeatedly sued people who have distributed their teachings freely on the grounds that their copyright is being infringed.

You know, like money making corporations do.

You can argue, sometimes convincingly, that all religions push inherently dangerous beliefs and try to manipulate people. But CoS is different in that they are pushing a deliberately fabricated set of teachings for the sole purpose of making money. They use all the cult tricks to attain their ends. They are dangerous.

In this video, I tell the story of how I took the CoS "free personality test". Turns out I didn't have one. LOL! I kid, I kid. What I did learn from taking this test is that the test itself is dangerous. It is designed to find out where you are vulnerable. It is designed to find your psychological weaknesses. And these people will not hesitate to exploit anything they find. They will lie and tell you that Scientology addresses you core concerns directly. This is a lie because this is what they say to everybody. And it can't possibly be true for everybody.

This test is the simplest level of contact you can have with CoS. It is the first thing they do with people. And it is dangerous. It is not a harmless bit of fun that might show you a little about yourself. It is the doorway to letting some really ruthless people take control of your life. They don't care what damage they do to you. All they want to do is widen their sphere of influence. Don't make the mistake of thinking they're the same as any other religion. That is a lie that they want you to believe.

The biggest danger to CoS is former members breaking free and letting the truth of their inner workings be known. Their greatest hope is to gain more and more converts before the truth about them is known widely enough.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=iBWn9DmZI_A]

Ghost Office Part II - The Exit

A couple of weeks ago I decided to amuse myself during my lunch hour by shooting a short film in an empty office building during my lunch hour. It was more popular than I expected and many people asked for a sequel which I really wasn't expecting. Apparently people wanted to know how I got out.

I like to oblige. Although I had intended for "Ghost Office" to be a stand alone little snippet I put a little thought into how to do a sequel. And so here it is, your sequel where I finally find an exit.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=OTBwxIn_DB0]

Tram accident

I've spent today deep in hypochondria. Every little muscle twinge and pain in my body has made me think I'm suffering some serious injury as a result of a little mishap on the tram yesterday. One of our public transport choices in Melbourne is a rather extensive tram network. The trams have a certain charm as a mode of transport but they have to share the roads with other vehicles which leads to occasional misadventures when some bastard in a car cuts off a tram and it has to stop suddenly.
Actually, the shitty tram drivers cause misadventures all on their own with sudden jarring stops and starts at each stop. Most drivers, however, have mastered the art of smooth acceleration and deceleration. This is important as one of the drawbacks of the tram is that 9 times out of 10 the fucking thing is so overcrowded you don't stand a chance of getting a seat. Sometimes the jolts are so severe that holding on to a strap doesn't cut it. Every now and then there are injuries of the broken bone type.
I didn't see what caused my particular calamity but I'd like to have the chance to give a serve to the prick that made the tram driver jam on the brakes. And possibly the tram driver if the severity of the stop wasn't warranted.
It was a weird experience. If it was a few seconds later I would have been safely in a seat. As it was, I was in the middle aisle facing towards the back of the tram. And then Mister Sudden Stop paid a visit. The tram wasn't going very fast but coming to a sudden dead stop was more than enough to end my standing up-ness that has seemed so stable just a second before. I was seriously airborne.
For the briefest of moments I was like unto Superman. I was flying. For about a metre. And then it turns out that gravity has more super powers than me. And I landed square on my arse. Luckily this was a padded landing and I didn't land right on my coccyx because I probably would have broken it. As it was, the shock wave from the force of my landing shot straight up my spine and into my skull.
The force of the shock to my head was so strong I was actually convinced that I had hit my head on something. But there was nothing behind me. You can tell it was a massive shock because all I could manage expletive-wise was one loud "SHIT!" as my butt crashed earthwards. Anyone remotely familiar with my swearing habits would know I have no problem with launching into a long string of profanity when faced with even a minor setback. In this case I was too stunned.
I sat there for a moment thinking (but not saying ) "fuck, that hurt!". It was probably only a second or two until two guys tried to help me to my feet. They were either side of me, each holding an arm and they'd lifted me a little off the floor. I figured, yeah, getting up is a good idea. But I couldn't do it.
I was still stunned and my inability to get up had me thinking I'd suffered some sort of traumatic brain injury. Then I realised the "helpful" blokes were actually holding me at an angle that robbed me of all leverage. I couldn't get up under my own power and they weren't lifting me all the way to my feet, they were just sort of supporting me. I didn't want to seem rude and say "let go of me you idiots" but I was still too disoriented to come up with a more subtle way of explaining the situation.
So I'm being supported by two blokes, stupidly saying nothing which I'm sure makes it look like I'm concussed. I'm not completely convinced that this isn't the case myself. Another few seconds and the worst of it passes and I manage to get to my feet and find a seat. I'm still shaken up though. So much so that I don't even think of going up to the tram driver and screaming "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?"
And today, every little thing convinces me I've suffered to debilitating injury. And I should be suing the fuck out of the tram operator. Minor headache? I'm probably bleeding into my brain. Sore back? I must have cracked a vertebra. Aching shoulder? Not sure what that means but I'm sure it's the trams fault.
Uncontrollable outburst of rage? Clearly the trams fault. I was never prone to that before the accident.

Scientology is not a religion, it is a dangerous cult

I've been planning a bit of an anti-scientology rant ever since I read a kid getting charged by the cops in England for holding a banner that had the slogan I used for the title of this post. This article suggests a pretty disturbing scenario with the cops involved possibly owing more alliegence to scientology than they laws they're supposed to uphold.

Then I found this article that gives details of the secret scientology paid 8 million dollars to try and cover up. If you weren't sure if scientology was actually dangerous, read this article. If it doesn;t freak you right the fuck out, there's something wrong with you.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=bqDFrNaYuCY]

Why I'm better than you

I have now reached 800 blog posts in less than two and a half years. In the same time period I've uploaded about 650 videos to YouTube. There's quite a bit of crossover between the two, i.e. some videos have used blog posts as scripts and some blog posts have been little more than the posting of videos. But all in all, it's an accomplishment that I would have doubted I would reach before I started.
I have often used these types of milestones to reflect on what I've learned so far. Today I've been considering all the people I've pissed off by daring to have an opinion. And you know what? I'm better than them. By and large, I'm better than every person who's ever been wound up by something I posted online. I say that with no irony whatsoever. They suck and I rule. They are full of fail and I am full of win.
How do I justify this conclusion? I could easily rest solely on the abundant evidence of my supreme awesomeness. Anyone who would even consider gainsaying the overwhelming rightness of my anger is clearly a loser by definition. But why stop there? Instead, I shall bury the doubters, haters and trolls with my infallible logic. The following list shows the common denominators shared by every single person I have managed to piss off online:
1. They do nothing None of my haters have contributed anything of value online. They don't maintain their own blogs. The don't create videos. All they do is occasionally vomit out drive-by abuse. And they think that puts them on an equal footing. This is because they are stupid.
2. They are insecure One of my favourite things has been to deliberately provoke insecure people. I pissed off people on the left and people on the right, atheists and religionists, young and old, people from all walks of life. I've also gained fans from all these groups. What the difference between the fans and the haters? The haters are so fucking insecure they can't see the slightest challenge to their desperately clung to world-view without collapsing into a gibbering heap of reactionary stupidity.
3. They are frightening intolerant These people can't even conceive of co-existing with someone who doesn't conform to their rigidly constrained views. The violence of their response to differences (of opinion, lifestyle, etc.) can be truly breathtaking. On occasions when I've seemed like that it doesn't count because I'm actually right.
4. They have tiny little penises Including the women.
5. They don't get irony

The prosecution of George W Bush for murder

Every now and then I see someone else in action and I go "Now THAT is how you do anger!" Today's example of well-justified anger at its finest is former Los Angeles County prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi. This guy prosecuted Charles Manson. He was so pissed off when OJ Simpson got away with murder he wrote a book called Outrage. And now he is speaking out in the strongest terms against George W Bush saying Bush should be prosecuted for first degree murder.
He isn't coming at this from a moral point of view, he's saying according to criminal statutes Bush is guilty of first degree murder. Okay, I'm pretty sure he's coming at it from a moral point as well. But he's framing it in legal terms. And then he's using some very colourful language presenting his case.
For those of you who are not cursed with a short attention span, following this link will take you to a partial transcript of a 2 hour speech he gave along with a lot of video footage from that speech. Even if you think you have a short attention span, I urge you to check it out. When you make your career presenting in high level courts you end up with (or maybe start out with) quite a gift for oratory. And it is awesome to see an intelligent, eloquent, experienced, impassioned speaker get really fucking angry.
OK, I know some people will still use the short attention span cop-out so I'll provide you with some highlights:
On why Bush should be prosecuted for murder:
"In my book... I present evidence that proves beyond all reasonable doubt that George Bush took this nation to war on a lie, under false pretenses, and therefore under the law is guilty of murder for the deaths of over 4,000 young American soldiers who died so far in this war."
"If a conspirator, or anyone for that matter, deliberately sets in motion a chain of events which he knows will cause – that’s the key word – cause a third party innocent agent to commit an act, the defendant is criminally responsible for that act."
"Bush can only wash his hands of culpability if he did not take this nation to war under false pretenses. If he did, which the evidence overwhelmingly shows, he is criminally responsible for the deaths of all those American soldiers who have died fighting his war in Iraq."
On the American right wing:
"There are no more repugnant, hypocritical and un-American – and that’s the word I want to emphasize – un-American people in our society today than the right wing."
On possible mitigating circumstances for Bush and Co:
"And there is one thing that I should probably say in partial defense of these people that goes in mitigation, arguably reduces their moral culpability. And what I’m talking about is that many of these people are incredibly stupid. And they make up for their stupidity by being extremely ignorant. And when you combine stupidity with ignorance that’s a toxic combination."
Some general fun quotes:
"And the question I have of you, is how evil, how perverse, how sick, how criminal can George Bush and his people be?"
"What type of a human monster is George Bush?"
"If I ever killed one person in my life, even accidentally – a car accident – I’d never have another perfect day as long as I lived. George Bush is responsible for the horrible deaths of thousands of human beings and he is talking about having a perfect day. Bush’s plans to have a perfect day right in the middle of all the death and horror in Iraq goes so far beyond acceptable human conduct that no moral telescope can discern its shape, form and nature."
And I'll close with Bugliosi basically summing up my life philosophy. He's raging against Clinton prosecutor Ken Starr (who he calls "one of the most reprehensible figures in American history") and he says:
"I seem to be getting more angry and acerbic and caustic and that’s because I am always in a state of rage, how can I help but be?"
I enjoy my own outburst of creative anger but occasionally, I just like to sit back and watch a master.
Wax on, wax off.

Mr Angry on the radio

Just making a quick catch up video for those who might be interested in some things that happened to me recently. The first couple of things are just some garden variety morons I've been dealing with. Everday occurrences for me. But I was kind of excited to be interviewed for a radio program. There's a national network in Australia aimed at the youth market called TripleJ.

As I rarely act my age, this is the station I listen to. And when I heard they were doing a story on anger management I had to call up. Anger gets a bad rap - someone has to stand up for it. If you want to listen to the interview, follow this link. My bit starts at about the 8 minute mark and goes on for around 3 minutes.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=JmLHvfLWA3w]

The value of internet trolls

One of the more interesting aspects of spending time contributing to online forums (including this blog and YouTube) is getting a front row seat into what is essentially the biggest anthropological experiment in the history of humanity. In fact, it’s a widely held misconception that the internet has its roots in a military project.

What actually happened was a bunch of very smart people sat around and came up with the idea of creating a worldwide computer network that would provide a method of interaction that appealed primarily to people with poor social skills. An integral part of the plan was to remove the primary constraint that makes most people behave reasonably (namely, the fear of being smacked in the mouth).

The central hypothesis of the experiment was that a significant proportion of the human race will behave like total jerks if you give them the chance. Well done those boffins.

All sarcasm aside, I really do see some value in bearing witness to what seems to be the proliferation of anti-social personality disorder that one sees online. (N.B. sarcasm will not actually be set aside in the writing of this post, that’s just a figure of speech) It certainly helps that I’ve chosen an angry persona for my online activities – at the very least, the morons I have to deal with on a daily basis provide plenty of fuel for angry rants.

But it also goes well beyond that. I have come to realise that the insane behaviour of trolls/haters/ whatever you want to call them is a useful reality check. Not in the way they usually mean. Here's a tip: anyone who claims the reason they are behaving like an obnoxious piece of shit and harassing people online because they're "keeping it real", "speaking the truth to the posers" or anything similar is an A-grade fuckwit. If you're such a fucking genius, create something of your own rather than spending all your time trying to drag down people who are actually doing something.

Where I find this behaviour to be a useful dose of reality is that it keeps me from forgetting one important fact: There are some really fucking stupid people out there. And I'm not talking solely about uneducated people (many people without a significant formal education are wonderful, insightful, thoughtful people.) I'm talking about people who will believe any shit that's fed to them, particularly if it plays into their prejudices. I'm talking about people who go beyond ignorance to the point where they aggressively assert their ignorance and loudly celebrate it as a virtue. You know, as opposed to taking some crazy approach like giving thoughtful, reasoned consideration to topics.

You're not exactly separating yourself from the herd by saying you don't believe the media. Many people say this reflexively. Ironically, they're usually the ones who will automatically believe outrageous lies (like Barack Obama is a Muslim) so long as it fits into their set-in-concrete bigoted mindset. But when you put yourself out there, even in a very small way like I have, you see something very interesting first hand. People will deliberately make up lies about you.

I'm not talking about people who say I'm not funny as opposed to bowing down and worshipping me as the god-like being I am, so far beyond their comprehension that they could never hope to understand how much better than them I truly am. No, I'm talking about people who fabricate lies out of whole cloth. Not people who draw incorrect conclusions about me. I'm talking about people who spread stories that they know for a fact are untrue. They assert that easily demonstrable lies are the truth. I'm talking, in short, about people who are deeply, deeply fucked.

It's easy to translate that into the obvious media liars - the tabloids, gossip mongers and entertainment "reporters". When you pay attention to them for a while, it becomes clear that gossip magazines don't just exaggerate, their favourite trick is to start with a photo and then completely fabricate a story to go with that photo. "Ooo, look at the bags under her eyes... let's say she's on drugs." "Hey, there's a shadow on his cheek... let's say it's a black eye from a night of drunken brawling." "Check out her having the audacity to tell the paparazzi to fuck off... let's say she's violent and out of control."

Like I said, it's one thing to know in the abstract that the media are probably lying. It's quite another thing to get first hand experience of some people's compulsion to lie. I mean, I'm nobody and yet people feel compelled to make up stupid bullshit about me. So why should I be surprised that when something that actually matters is on the line (like, say, a US Presidential election) that self interested thugs spread the most vile shit imaginable?

And nothing is so extreme that you won't find some freak willing to believe it. Even I don't believe that George Bush is a pedophile rapist. But apparently there are those who do.

My nakedness is covered by shirts

There are times when a man looks at is wardrobe and asks himself: "Do I have enough novelty t-shirts?"

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6A_CL_QqbU]

And before you ask, I honestly don't know. Sometimes these things just come out of my head.

Marriage is totally gay

With all the furore being stirred up by gay marriage being made legal in California, I gotta say I really don't get what all the fuss is about. I will never get the literalists obsessing over their one man one woman thing. It's simply stupid.

This mentality says some manipulative gold digger who marries for money is blessed by god but two same sex people who love each other aren't. A marriage between two heterosexuals filled with spite, affairs and cruelty is blessed but a marriage between two monogomous gay people who love each other isn't?

Wake the fuck up, people! Britney Spears did more damage to the "sanctity" of marriage than any gay person ever could.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=mI1HdZKhVhE]

Sarcasm

How happy was I when I found an article saying that sarcasm is a favourable evolutionary trait. Science comes through for me again! It isn't my fault if anyone was ever upset by me being sarcastic to them. Their problem is they aren't evolved enough!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=wUWmMcLD9kA]

Mr brain won't behave

I'm having a lot of trouble settiling on things to write for this blog. It isn't for a lack of ideas, rather the opposite. There is an overwhelming mountain of things consuming my focus at the moment. Some of them are:
The RIAA seems to be getting desperate. They are going after radio stations exactly the same way they go after file sharers on the internet. And the radio stations are using exactly the same defence that file sharers on the internet use. It's kinda funny and kinda weird and kinda interesting and, I strongly suspect, kinda important.
Why are so many white people so freaked out by Michelle Obama? Why do they not see the positivity of her "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I'm really proud of my country" statement? And how can they possibly delude themselves into thinking black people shouldn't be angry at whitey?
What role will the US media play in debunking/reinforcing the lies being spread about Barack Obama? Fox News have shown their hand clearly, sinking lower even than I thought possible by calling the fist pound between the Obamas a terrorist fist jab. Will any mainstream media actually spend time saying this Muslim stuff is all bullshit?
Speaking of Fox News, exactly what do you have to do to be able to face the world when you've become that sort of scum? I'm thinking something like massive doses of heroin injected straight into the eye so they never have to see their reflection clearly during the day.
Will anyone ultimately be swayed by the "elitist" bullshit being spread about Obama? How do rich white people get away with saying that shit? They're pushing a doubly nonsenical line of bullshit. The first bit of stupidity is suggesting an even richer white guy from a long line of rich white guys is somehow less elitist. The second is the implication that you should want some dumb motherfucker running the country. Do you want the smartest, most insightful, most thoughtful person running the country or do you want your preferred drinking buddy running things? Wait, don't answer that. The response might depress me.
Who will Obama and McCain choose as vice-presidental running mates? This is more important than in any other election because neither of them will survive a term in office. Obama will get whacked by some crazy if he gets elected and McCain is too old and unwell - the stresses of office would definitely kill him. So whoever gets VP is a lock to sit in the big chair at some point.
You may notice a slight obsession with the US Presidential elections in my points above. This is because beyond the usual no other political process has such a huge effect on the whole world thing, I find this race fascinating for what it represents. The choice could hardly be starker. I would have been far less interested if Clinton had won the nomination, that would have just been the Republican machine versus the Democratic machine. But Obama represents the possibility of something truly different.
I understand why change frightens some people. The astonishing thing is the level of change represented by Obama would have been literally unthinkable, say, five years ago (as brilliantly illustrated by this cartoon). Everyone always thinks the moment they are living in is the most important moment in history. But, damn this seems like a tipping point.

Spornography - it's porn for Spore

Leave it to computer game geeks to jump straight to making porn with a new game.

Here's a link to someone who spent a bit of time cataloging sporn.
http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/?p=1947
Fun, isn't it?

In it a reason to celebrate the ingenuity of humans or is it a reason to despair of humanity? I don't know - I'll leave that to the philosophers. Al I know is I'm not surprised to learn people are making porn in this game.

It seems obvious this game will have red light districts. I find it hard to imagine that the creators will be able to police it. There will be simulated kiddie porn, simulated bestiality and every other sexual perversion you can imagine. Welcome to your future, humanity!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=zCbIVoEwhN0]

What is the point of denying global warming?

I'm beyond caring about people who insist on denying that there is any problem with climate change/global warming. Anyone who can continue talking shit in the face of so much science simply isn't worth bothering about. Although I do still have fun taunting them.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=V_7X9TD6cUM]

I honestly have no interest in engaging or debating deniers because in my experience they simply don't listen. For anyone who's interested you can follow this link to get quite comprehensive refutations of every piece of drivel deniers like to spew forth. Not that presenting them with the truth will change anything.

Oh, and seeing as everyone's piling on Al Gore again, here's a link that provides a bit of perspective and sanity in contrast to most of the shit being said about him.

Ghost Office - a short film by Mr Angry

This is what I do when I'm bored on my lunch hour. I shot and edited this entirely on my mobile phone, a Nokia N95. I re-uploaded this because of some problems with sound synching.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=e2KFfL0Zlrg]

To state the obvious, the only part of this that is true is that I found some empty office space that I thought looked kind of weird. I had the basic idea in mind for a while (since I first discovered the empty office) but I hadn't actually scripted anything. Essentially I walked from room to room and came up with ideas based on what I found.

I shot this in about 10 minutes and it took about 20 minutes to edit on the phone. It isn't intended to be great art or particularly original (it borrows heavily from Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield). I've played around with doing more film-like stuff before. I think I like it.

I may do some more.

Wrong number fun

So the Angry Phone rings a little while ago (+61424 05 68 65 for those who want to try it) and the following conversation takes place:
ME: Hello?
CALLER: Shamir? (or something similar)
M: No, this isn't Shamir.
C: Shamir?
M: No, you've called the wrong number. This isn't Shamir.
C: Oh... (mutter, mutter) Wrong number... (mutter, mutter - eventually they hang up.)
Disappointment set in for me at this point. I've had some really enjoyable conversations with people that were previously unknown to me on the angry phone. Actually, the most common scenario that plays out is silence on the other end. I have found out from a few people that they never expected me to actually answer. I don't always but if I have the phone on and it's convenient I'll answer.
When I get the silent responses I usually make a couple of attempts to get the person to talk, saying things like "It's really me, not voice mail. It's OK, you're allowed to talk - that's why I gave the number out." Then they hang up without saying anything. It seems I'm too scary for some people to talk to, which I don't understand. Maybe I'm not the best judge.
Anyway, my disappointment was short lived because I got another call a minute later:
CALLER: Shamir?
ME: No, you clearly have the wrong number for Shamir. This isn't his phone.
C: Mutter, mutter, mutter (eventually they hang up again.)
Then, after a much smaller gap, the phone rings again. I didn't make a note of the caller's number before but the number showing up on caller ID looks suspiciously familiar.
ME: Hello?
CALLER: Shamir?
M: Why is it so hard for you to accept you have the wrong number for Shamir?
C: (It sounds like they're having a conversation with someone next to them, I can make out a few words.) Shamir... wrong number... you call... (Then they talk directly to me again) Is Shamir?
M: It isn't Shamir and it's never going to be Shamir no matter how many times you call! (after a little silence they hang up.)
I thought maybe this might finally send them on their way but about 30 seconds later they called again.
ME: Hello?
CALLER: Shamir?
M: Yes this is Shamir.
C: (after a pause) Speak to Shamir?
M: This is Shamir speaking now. What do you want?
C: Who is this? (they sound dubious)
M: This is Shamir. Why don't you believe me? You didn't believe me when I said I wasn't Shamir, now you don't believe me when I say I am Shamir. Make up your mind!
C: Is Shamir there?
M: OK, you got me, I'm not Shamir but he is here. He refuses to talk to you because he says he hates you. He also says he's going to punch you in the face next time he sees you. Now piss off and stop calling this bloody number!
They haven't called back since.

GROSS!!! The wisdom (teeth) of Mr Angry

I like to share. I just had to have two wisdom teeth out so of course my first thought was to share the experience via video. I wasn't in much of a mood to set gear up so I decided to experiment with my new phone which has quite a decent camera. Oh, and seriously, don't watch this while eating. Consider yourself duly warned about the grossness factor.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=IknlOzPVIgY]

It's about 36 hours later now and I'm feeling surprisingly good. Not that I'd ever be averse to seeking sympathy but you don't have to worry too much about me.

Toilet horror

You know what I haven't done in a while? Have a good old fashioned rant about how gross it is to share the toilet with people at work. That's what I'm doing today because of these two horror stories.

First up, one that's about as gross and unforgiveable as they come. I just went in to avail myself of the facilities and was greeted in a cubicle by a scattering of used toilet paper. And I'm talking bearing horrid orangey-brown stains used. Motherfucker! What sort of fucking animals am I working with?

Now don't get me wrong, I know sometimes accidents happen. Paper goes astray. But pick it up for fuck's sake! Some of it had fallen a little behind the seat so maybe a really stupid person could have missed it. But some of it was between the seat and the fucking door! The filthy bastard would have had to step over it to leave the cubicle!

What was he thinking? That it was too gross to pick up? Hey, it's your shit, sunshine! How fucking gross do you think it is to other people? Animals! I'm working with fucking animals!

The second one is just weird and disconcerting. I took pictures to show how weird. Also because I'm kind of fond of the camera on my new phone. Don't worry, the photos are safe for work viewing and not particularly stomach-churning. The first photo is obvious enough. This is a toilet cubicle. But what is that little thing towards the top of the picture? The thing I have marked with an arrow for your convenience?

Allow me to zoom in and reveal the horror to you.

That, my friends, is a tube of moisturiser. In a toilet cubicle. There's only one reason I can think of for someone having a tube of moisturiser in a toilet cubicle. And I don't want to think about it. Some freak in the office spends so much time jacking it that he keeps a tube of lube handy.

I swear, I am never shaking hands with anybody in this fucking place again.