Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Inggers and coons in Australia

Inflammatory, who - me?

That'sa actually a strictly factual description of the imortant news story covered in this video.


A totally true story!

I thought YouTube were censoring this at first because of the title but I guess something must have just gone wrong with the first upload. I bet a few people will be surprised to hear of the existence of a "Nigger" Brown stand and Coon cheese in every supermarket.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This pig needs lipstick

That heading ought to get the Sarah Palin freak squad all wound up. Relax, you uptight dickheads! I'm talking about a pig that actually matters today - Bruce the giant pig.


I swear this story is true. There are even pictures!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Angry Venn Diagram

I am often asked how I decide what to write and/or do videos on. Well the thought process is a complex one. It is executed with mathematical precision. With that in mind, I present the Angry Venn Diagram:

angry venn diagram
angry venn diagram

I do like to offend people but I have to offend the just right!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Campaign advice for John McCain

I've decided I need to be more even-handed when looking at the US Presidential Election. With that in mind, John McCain needs some help. And I'm just the man to give him the advice he so desperately needs.


Never let it be said that I don't help people out when I get the chance.

Friday, September 19, 2008

This might seem familiar

I've been doing my old trick of using blog posts as scripts for YouTube videos. So these might seem familiar but I hope you enjoy them. This one is me taking this piss out of a job advertisement (thanks to the readers whose lines I used/adapted):


And this one is me going off about angry disabled people. This really seemed to touch of some seething resentment against disabled people among YouTube commenters as well.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Angry disabled people

Having a run-in with an angry disabled person is a weird experience. If an able-bodied person gets up in my face over something it's rare that I won't lash out straight back at them. But with a disable person, that feels kind of... wrong. Even for me. A couple of examples:
I was going through a doorway at a shopping mall when two guys were walking out at the same time. It was a fairly wide doorway so I didn't see much problem. You know how when you're passing someone you do that thing where you turn slightly to the side pulling your shoulder out of the way so there's more room for each of you? Well I did that as I passed and everything would have been fine if the other guy had done the same thing.
Except he didn't. So we smacked shoulders fairly hard. And he had the nerve to go off at me and start swearing when he was the one who made no effort to get out of the way. So I turned and was about to tear into him when I realised why he was so pissed off. It turns out he's blind. The second guy was guiding him by holding his elbow so the blind dud didn't have to use a cane or a dog to get around. He was wearing dark glasses but I figure we was a wanker who wore his sunglasses inside.
With the help of his friend the blind guy was able to walk confidently and quickly. Which was the whole problem. He was so confident I had no idea he was blind. So it was all his fault for not being more obviously disabled. He should have been more blind.
Another case: there's a guy in a motorised wheelchair in my neighbourhood and he has a very bad attitude. He also seems to have supercharged his wheelchair because I've never seen one as fast as his. He also drives it on the road a lot - I'm guessing that's because he wouldn't be able to open it up full throttle on the footpath. Plus he gets to vent his frustration at the world.
Again, I'm guessing that's his motivation. He's pissed off at his life and is more or less daring the cars to end it. He's faster than pedestrians but slower than cars and he's also hard to see when you're driving and he's zipping in and out all over the place so I don't think it's a stretch to say he's at least passively suicidal.
At first I thought he was a jerk. Then I thought about it and realised that given the lot life has dealt him, being pissed off at everyone and everything is a reasonable response. I know if I ended up in a wheelchair I'd be the angriest motherfucker around. I'd run over people's toes and if they complained I'd back over their foot just to make a point.
"HEY! What are you complaining about? I'm in a fucking wheelchair here! You could drive a fucking truck over my feet and I wouldn't feel a damn thing! Count yourself lucky that it hurts when I run over you. Now leave me a lone you working-leg-having motherfucker!"

Monday, September 15, 2008

Taking the PIS

Looking through job ads sometimes depresses me because of the way they commonly spout mumbo-jumbo jargon as if it actually means something. It leaves me wanting to grab the next recruiter who uses the phrase "leverage core competencies" and leverage their core competencies straight down their fucking throat.
But sometimes the job ads make me laugh. Usually because I have a very juvenile sense of humour. Case in point: today I saw an ad for a Process Improvement Specialist in a government department. This caught my eye for a few reasons. First, it's the type of work I do. Second, it was a one year contract with the government that sounded like a complete boondoggle. Hide away in some massive bureaucracy and charge massive consultant fees for a year. Payday!
But most importantly, the acronym for the job title was PIS. Did I mention the part about me being juvenile? I wondered if I'd be able to resist saying in a job interview that the job sounded like a piece of piss?
But if I was going to interview, I'd need to come up with the right jargon. Government departments love their jargon. I considered saying that I thought the role of the Process Improvement Specialist would be to Facilitate the Adoption of Revolutionary Thinking in the department. But they probably spend all their time PIS-FARTing around already and don't need my help for that.
I also cogitated that the PIS might promote Widespread Enterprise Application Knowledge. But that sounded a bit PIS-WEAK. I'm sure somebody can help me with some other ideas.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Spring is in the air

We had our first nice spring weather this weekend in melbourne so I took full advantage of it. And I like to share. Not that I'm gloating but if you're in the Northern Hemisphere, this means your summer is just about done. And damn I like my new camera.


I also uploaded this video to a site called Vimeo where it looks better. Check it out:

[vimeo 1727690]

Friday, September 12, 2008

Last text message from Anne Frank

I’m planning on doing a video of my blog post from yesterday (often they way I do things) and they way I develop my videos is often I play the performance about over and over in my head to get a sense of what delivery will work best. Now you know one of my secrets. In fact, my grilfriend can tell when I’m planning something because I walk around gesturing and mouthing words. I have to be careful not to do that at work. People already think I’m crazy enough.
Anyway, I was thinking about how to play out my “tips for using the internet effectively” points. And I was thinking of ways to imagine historical figures using modern technology. And I imagined Anne Frank’s last text message:
I’m a bad, bad person.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Kids today

I was just reading an article titled "On Stupidity" which in general terms is one of a long line of essays and books bemoaning the decline of intellectualism. The article is written by an American Professor of English (I feel for the guy, it must suck being an academic in America these days) and he touches all the usual bases regarding the problems he sees with new students.
It was, however, refreshing how positive his conclusion was. I was fully expecting this to be another "kids today" moan but he acknowledges that young people for all their perceived shortcomings may actually be better prepared for the rapid changes facing the world. This was a relief because I hate it when people reflexively blame everything on young people. I hated it when I was a kid and I hate it now.
If you could find the oldest writings in antiquity, I swear it would be complaining about kids at some point. Daubed on a cave wall somewhere are marking that were the maker's way of saying "What the hell is wrong with kids today? They've got no respect, they never listen and don't even get me started on that noise they call music!" Every single generation has copped this shit and every generation of adults think they have a harder time with kids than the generation before.
The article provides a handy checklist of the shortcomings the Professor sees with his incoming students:
Primarily focused on their own emotions — on the primacy of their "feelings" — rather than on analysis supported by evidence.
Uncertain what constitutes reliable evidence, thus tending to use the most easily found sources uncritically.
Convinced that no opinion is worth more than another: All views are equal.
Uncertain about academic honesty and what constitutes plagiarism. (I recently had a student defend herself by claiming that her paper was more than 50 percent original, so she should receive that much credit, at least.)
Unable to follow or make a sustained argument.
Uncertain about spelling and punctuation (and skeptical that such skills matter).
Hostile to anything that is not directly relevant to their career goals, which are vaguely understood.
Increasingly interested in the social and athletic above the academic, while "needing" to receive very high grades.
Not really embarrassed at their lack of knowledge and skills.
Certain that any academic failure is the fault of the professor rather than the student.
Like I said, his conclusion is very balanced otherwise I'd be kind of pissed off by what looks like a "same old, same old" list of complaints. But I would make two points about that list. First, as I look around me, that list isn't the problem with young people, it's the problem with people! Look at the debacle the "debate" going on around the US Presidential elections is descending into if you don't believe me. Young people definitely aren't responsible for that bullshit.
Second, kids don't exactly have a lot of power over the path they follow to get to university. Kids don't run the schools that fail to provide them with a better education. Kids don't run the media that is consistently doing a disgustingly effective job of dumbing down public discourse. And kids definitely don't run the governments that seem hell bent on fucking up anything and everything that might possibly make things better.
The complaints about digital media and the internet dumbing everything down really shit me to tears. The powers that be are terrified of the idea of information getting out of their control. The internet is one of the most powerful tools for the dissemination of knowledge that humanity has seen. The fact that is can be used to spread trivialities and lies is not the fault of the internet, it's the fault of people pushing lies and trivia.
Like every generation, kids aren't failing they are being failed. Instead of obsessing that the internet is teaching kids to skim and they're losing their ability to explore ideas in depth, educators and parent need involve the internet in the learning process. And for that to work, us old people have to work! It's pathetic to think in a world that is changing so fast education has to be locked into old ways of learning. The idea that the internet can't provide depth is flat out ridiculous. With one click on a search engine you can find thousands of references for any topic. It just requires a little creative thinking to come up with ways to explore depth.
Try these:
Use a search engine to research a topic. You have to use at least three different sources. You can't use anything that shows up in the first 50 search results.
Instead of saying you can't use Wikipedia because it's unreliable (a common restriction), use Wikipedia but you have to reference the talk page for each topic. Explore the conflicts/differences of opinion that are creating edits. Find other sources that back up the conflicting points of view.
Translate a classical text (poem, prose or play) into txt abbreviations and emoticons. Discuss what bits of meaning get lost in the translation. Do you think you can bring through the themes more clearly by using txt and/or emoticons?
Write a MySpace/Facebook/blog for a famous historical or fictional character.
Find someone (a journalist/academic/politician/pundit/blogger) you disagree with but you can still respect what they say/write. Explain why you find yourself able to respect someone's intelligence and/or honesty while still disagreeing with them.
Wow, why am I giving this stuff away? I should be charging some government department a fortune for saving the future like this. If you're a local teacher feel free to invite me in to run a session in your classroom. Actually, no. Don't invite me into a classroom. I'm sure one or both of us would end up being arrested. But feel free to use any of these ideas. I'd love to hear stories of any of them in action.
If you want to see a horrible yet funny vision of a constantly dumbed-down future, watch the movie Idiocracy. It may well be a documentary that slipped through a crack in space/time caused by the Large Hadron Collider. But if things turn out that bad, it won't be the fault of successive younger generations. It will be the fault of successive older generations who fail their children.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Heroin is fun

Heroin is fun*. It really is.
By which I mean, revulsion and fear regarding heroin use are so strong in so many people that even mentioning heroin tends to provoke a strong response. Also, not everyone shares my sense of humour.
Case in point: at work I'm getting one of my many drinks of high-caffeine cola I require to make it through a day. A drone cow-orker feels compelled to comment that this is an unhealthy thing to drink. I get really fucking sick of this type of comment. Usually I'd pretty much ignore it but I decided to respond.
"Well, given that I actually have very few bad habits I think I'll survive. I don't smoke and I rarely drink alcohol so let me have this vice."
She seems prepared to stop with the unwanted platitudes at this point so I probably should have left well enough alone. But she really annoyed me. So I followed up with:
"In fact, if it wasn't for the heroin I'd be leading quite a clean lifestyle."
This little throwaway line leads what I will charitably call an uncomfortable silence. She's staring at me with a look that seems to be equal parts shock, horror, revulsion and pity. I could do without the pity.
The first thought that goes through my head is "She can't possibly think that was anything but a joke. She doesn't have to think it's a funny joke but she must know it's a joke." Then I think about it for a while and realise this is the sort of unimaginative lump who gets all their "information" from nightly current affairs tabloid shows. She is clearly waiting for me to grow horns.
In situations like this, my mind tends to go a hundred miles an hour. I mentally run through multiple scenarios of how this could play out in seconds. None of the scenarios I was imagining were ending well. Every variation of "It was a joke!" had me looking like a junkie in denial. Or maybe a junkie who was getting agitated because he was strung out and in need of a hit.
Then the evil part of my brain took over. The part that thinks it's funny to fuck with repressed people. Hey, whispered my evil brain, if she's gonna treat that obvious joke seriously then go the whole way. Freak her the fuck out. Say something about "watch out for used syringes near my desk". Ask her if she can loan you some money. Or just roll your eyes and then collapse.
That last one started to sound real good. It would have a double bonus of scaring the cow-orker and I wouldn't have to finish the conversation. I could just lie on the floor until she ran away. Approximately three nanonseconds before I put this plan into action she backed out of the kitchen. I didn't hear running but it's distinctly plausible that she was sprinting for safety as soon as she was out of sight.
In retrospect, if you've just told someone you're using heroin, staring at them glassy-eyed until they leave the room isn't the best way to convince them you were joking.
*NOTE: This is not an endorsement of using heroin. If you're stupid enough to think it is then you're too fucking stupid to accept this disclaimer. Let's just go with "I'm a horrible and irresponsible person". And fuck you.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Melbourne graffiti history at gasworks

I teamed up a little while ago with another local who's heavily into the graffiti scene. I've posted lots of videos in the past showing the graffiti around Melbourne but I don't really know any detail about the scene. The guy you'll see in this video goes by the name DurtCityDestroyers on YouTube and he's running a gallery show at a gallery called Gasworks (ut's housed in an old gasworks building) that details the history of the Melbourne graffiti scene.

I'll warn you up front, this guy doesn't stop moving - he's stuck on permanent fast forward!


Oh, and I have no idea what the story is with the bloke in the helmet. Durt said he would explain it to me but I haven't heard from him recently. For anyone in Melbourne looking for something to do, the gallery launch is this Tuesday:

"Grassroots - an urban arts experience"
Gasworks Foyer Gallery
9th Sept - 20th Sept 2008
Launch on Tuesday 9th September 7pm - 9pm

Friday, September 05, 2008


I don't think I can bring myself to make much more comment on the GOP election campaign. The cynicism of nominating Sarah Palin for VP pretty much indicated the contempt they have for the whole process but the last few days of speeches have made it abundantly clear. I am absolutely at a loss for how to respond to the lies upon lies upon lies being spewed by the neocons and they way their vomit is being eagerly lapped up by their fanatical followers.
Look, I get that the evangelicals who form a small but inordinately powerful section of the Republican base don't respond to logic. They want god, god, god and most seem incapable of understanding that there are bigger and more important issues. In fact I'm sure that they are mortally shocked that I consider the possibility of anything being more important than their imaginary friend in the sky.
I also get that there's a core of the party that couldn't consider voting Democrat no matter what. I truly understand that. To be honest, I don't think I could ever vote for a socially conservative party no matter what else was going on.
I also get that there are people who aren't fanatically aligned to the Republican Party but on balance, they honestly feel that the policies most likely to be implemented by a Republican administration will be of most benefit to them personally and/or the country generally. People have different value systems. I get that. Intelligent people can disagree. This doesn't by definition make them stupid or evil.
But I am beyond disgusted by the behaviour of the people forming the public face of the Republican party. It is one thing to be partisan. It is one thing to attempt to spin things in your favour. But these people are fucking liars. Scum-sucking, shit-eating utterly contemptible lying sacks of shit. If you don't watch The Daily Show follow this link to see some video of these lying bastards directly contradicting themselves.
They straight up 100% contradict themselves. They describe a set of circumstances one way when it applies to Obama (for instance) and they describe the exact same circumstances in a 100% contradictory way when it applies to a Republican (usually Palin). These people are contemptible fucking scum. I am so fucking angry about this.
This is not even put on the Mr Angry mask and make a ranty video type of angry. Every time I play that possibility out in my head I come up with dozens of good lines to scream at the top of my lungs. But it's too serious for that. It frightens the fuck out of me that people do not get how serious this is.
And don't get me started on the stupid bastards who say "You don't live in America - you're not allowed to have an opinion about our president." First off - fuck you! Second, how can someone be oblivious to the impact American politics has on the world? Worse still, the sort of fuckwit who usually goes on about foreigners not having a right to comment is usually the same fuckwit who actively advocates military attacks on anyone they disagree with. Third, if the US economy tanks, the rest of the world gets hit hard. And Bush and the neocons have done their level best to utterly fuck the US economy and lie through their teeth while doing it. It astonishes me the degree of ignorance that exists regarding just how close to total collapse the US economy is.
Also, you guys are our fucking allies! It really hurts to see a country you want to support being led into some truly vile actions by an administration that has devolved into outright criminal behaviour. It's like watch a woman who repeatedly goes back to an abusive partner or seeing a friend slowly kill themselves with alcohol or drugs.
The small saving grace is I don't think it's going to work this time. I think the neocons have been lying for so long about so many things and getting away with it, they don't know any different. But I think enough of the American public is sick of this bullshit. Maybe I'm deluding myself. But I hope enough people are sick of the havoc wrought by Bush, the lies spun by the neocons and the negativity of these fanatical right wingers to kick the republicans in the arse. Hard.
There is a small glimmer of hope that at least some of the media are sick of running blatant Republican lies without questioning them. Time will tell if they actually have any balls or they will run scared at the predictable and patently false claim of "liberal bias".
The false reality being pedalled by the GOP, the blatant lies that are so easily provable as lies, stuns me. I have to assume that enough Americans see through this bullshit. Because we're all fucked if they don't.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Lloyd's is pants

For those who don't know, some incredibly polite people in England use "pants" as an insult. It essentially means rubbish or stupid. In the context of this story, a particular gentleman decided to express his displeasure with his bank, Lloyd's, by setting his account password to "Lloyd's is pants".

And then Lloyds decided to show just how pants they could be...