If I can...

Today, I'm going to make you happier.

I bet you didn't realise that when you got out of bed this morning. I bet you didn't wake up thinking: "Wow, I hope AngryAussie improves the quality of my life today." If you did wake up thinking that, back the fuck off. I don't need that sort of pressure.

So how am I going to make you happier and improve the quality of your life? With this simple observation: if you mumble the words "if I can" it sounds a lot like you're saying "fuckin'." How easy is that?

What do you mean you don't feel happier? Don't your realise the applications of this? This bit of knowledge is useful in any number of situations. No matter who you're dealing with, this can come in handy. You boss, cow-orkers, family. Every now and then they all need to be told to fuck off but it rarely works out well for you if you do so.

But with this knowledge you can enjoy the catharsis of swearing at them. Without actually swearing at them! How good is that? If it still isn't clear to you, picture this scenario:

Your boss comes into your workspace and starts hassling you about some work. Besides the fact that this sucks generally, the hassling process is actually stopping you from doing the work. A double frustration. And the boss is either too stupid to realise this or is taking malicious pleasure in ravaging the pitiable remains of your soul this way. A triple frustration! Respond by saying (a little indistinctly):

"If I can get going then I'll be fine." Pause and then enunciate clearly: "If I can get going now I'll be able to meet the deadline."

What the boss is likely to hear is:

"Fuckin' get going, then I'll be fine." While you are paused, the boss will almost certainly stay silent. This is because s/he will almost certainly be stunned, thinking "Did this cubicle dwelling low-life really just tell me to fucking get going?" Before they recover from the shock, you follow up with the more clearly enunciated "If I can get..."

The boss wanders off thinking “Ohhhh, that’s what they said,” while you revel in your private joy. By the way, keep your revelling private. No doing the happy dance no matter how big a score it feels like you just made. The success of this ploy is totally dependent on you appearing innocent. Which brings me to safety tips.

Safety Tip 1: Don’t make it obvious. You should mumble “If I can...” in a fairly natural way. No sarcastic tone. No pulling faces. No smiling or laughing. It should seem as though you are unaware what it sounds like.

Safety Tip 2: The follow up should seem natural. Remember, you aren’t covering up for saying something bad, you’re continuing what seems like a normal conversation to you.

Safety Tip 3: Don’t overdo it. It’s unlikely you’d get away with doing this every day. Save it for when you really want to get up in someone’s face and get away with it.

So there’s a little something to brighten your day. I take immense pleasure in juvenile forms of subversion and I see no reason why you can’t as well. And don’t forget that although I used the work example, this trick has a wide range of applications. For example:

Mother: Clean your room.

You: If I can get out of the room for a minute, then I’ll do it.

- - -

Reporter: How do you respond to the allegations?

You: If I can take a minute to consider your question...

- - -

Anybody: George Bush just declared himself Emperor of the World!

Me: If I can... hell!