First milestone for the angry empire

So I took the big leap this week up and set up some online t-shirt sales. Thanks to the magic of CafePress I can actually do this without too much hassle. Of course nobody might actually care but enough people have commented over the years that I should sell t-shirts that I thought I'd give it a go.

The whole adventure is made easier by the fact that one on my YouTube subscribers did some designs for me. And I didn't even ask for them - he just did them. So now there are two designs available on CafePress. This one:

Angry Shirt

And this one (that I've been using as an icon on various websites)

AngryAussie Mask Design

So give me moneyyou bastards. Or not. This is really just an experiment. But if you want to, click here for the default "Angry" design or click here for the mask design. And because people have always said they like the shirts I design myself and suggested that hand made shirts would sell, I've been working on some prototypes. I can't exactly mass produce these but I've cobbled together a home made screen so I can print multiple shirts before the screen packs it in.

The whole process of making these shirts still takes an insane amount of time so it isn't worth my while to make them unless I can sell them for at least $50. If anyone thinks that's insane you won't get a lot of argument for me. So the really experimental part of this process was doing some prototypes and putting them up on eBay to see what happens.

The good news (for me) is I've already sold one! Admittedly, to my friend Nick (AKA Arthur40TwoDent on YouTube) but it's a start. The commercial juggernaut that is the Angry Empire has been launched. Jump aboard or be crushed under its wheels. Which is my way of inviting you to bid on one of the following designs on eBay:

STFU - Red on Gold

Click here for the auction for this shirt.

STFU - Purple and Yellow

Click here for the auction for this shirt

STFU - Red & Gold on White

Click here for the link to this auction.

And, me being me, I made a video to celebrate this milestone for the Angry Empire:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu1R_cuHJak]

BlogTV shenanigans

I had a fun time on BlogTV tonight. If the idea of interacting with me live seems like fun to you, you should sign up to get notifications of my live shows. Or follow me on Twitter to get tweets telling you what I'm doing. Or not. I completely understand if this doesn't appeal to you.

But we have fun doing bizarre things like playing 20 questions. And I do occasional rants. And people frequently convince me to do stupid things:

Dalek or dickhead?

And there are sexy goings on like me rubbing my nipples:

I'm dead sexy

Plus you often get sneak previews into what I'm doing if you tune into the BlogTV shows - I was showing off prototype t-shirt designs today. All in all, it's fun.

If you're into fun.

The Blogging Bot from the Future

An old favourite returns to YouTube:

Yes, that's how the future really looks. And sounds.

And because I care about my viewers/readers, in case you found it hard to understand what the Blogging Bot was saying, here's a transcript:

Greetings from the future.

From my vantage point in the future, I know the answer to many things that are regarded as mysteries in your time. For instance, some in your time suggest time travel must never be achieved because if it had been, time travellers would have come back to visit you. This might make sense apart from one thing you're all such a bunch of dicks what time traveller would waste time coming back to see you?

You people are coming towards the end of what is known in my time as The Stupid Ages an age of ignorance, narcissism and self-obsession that is laughable in my enlightened future. Which I guess is my enlightened present. Your future. You get what I mean. Unless you're one of the really stupid ones.

For instance: Fox News. What the hell is that about? The sort of rubbish spewed out on that supposed news network is so insanely mind-numbingly stupid if someone said something 1/1000th as stupid in my era, they would be put down as a mercy killing. Not a mercy for them they probably wouldn't like it. A mercy for the rest of us. Because we don't want to put up with crap like that.

I mean, seriously. In my age even children ponder great metaphysical questions. Do you know what the single most commonly asked question in your era is? When will I be famous? Not When will I be recognised for my achievements but When will I be famous? What the hell is wrong with you people? Why not get off your at reality-TV watching arses and do something worthwhile? Get good at something and wait for people to notice that. Don't sit there staring into your mirror asking When will I be famous?

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

I'm sorry, I recently had my personality subroutine augmented and I haven't quite got the hang of controlling the contempt I feel for the Stupid Ages yet.

I implore you, do your part to end the Stupid Ages. Stop obsessing about yourself and day-to-day trivia and get out and change something in the world for the better. Or not. Like I give a crap. You're all dead to me anyway.

End transmission

Totally fucked up or totally cool?

Funniest eyewitness statements ever. Who says street shootings can't be funny?

Sometimes it's only your point of view the determines whether or not something is Totally Fucked Up. This TFU Friday it's up to you to decide whether or not the stories are Totally Fucked Up or totally cool.

First is "Internet sensation" Clare Werbeloff who gave a funny account of a shooting in Sydney's Kings Cross. Some call here a bogan, some even call her a fake. Check it out for yourself

And then there's Josko Risa, currently running for mayor of the Croatian town Prolozac. The slogan for his openly corrupt campaign is "All for me, none for you."

And thanks to Nick for pointing me to that one!

And finally there's my "friends" at The Taboo Group who previously sent me Chuck and are now sending me mutilated Barbie heads in the mail.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTECo-2-jjE]

Here's some info about the movie "Prey" I missed seeing. DAMMIT!

The Dyslexic Christian

Yes, I'm making fun of both Christians AND dyslexics - two reasons to hate me! This is the story of my adventures with a dyslexic Christian friend. You see, I don't hate religion, I'm simply not interested in it. So long as people don't get up in my face, I'll leave them alone.

Which sometimes gives people the mistaken impression I am nice.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q257oSsJIzU]

And if you actually need this joke explained to you, click here to get some bonus material!

Fred in 30 years

"Fred" is the user name of the most subscribed channel on YouTube. He was the first person to pass one million subscribers. Rumour has it he makes $US5,000-10,000 each week just from Adsense revenue via YouTube. There are Fred branded shirts on sale at Hot Topic in the US (an probably other places). I try not to let these facts depress me.

I frequently get asked what I think of Fred by people who say kind things like I deserve more success than him. The truth is, I have nothing against him. He's not really my "thing" but good luck to him for his success. Rather than wasting time obsessing over the idea that he doesn't deserve his level of success, I prefer to look on his success as a positive example of what is possible.

This video is my idea of what Fred will look like in 30 years. By this time he is sure to have one billion subscribers.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkXLsGEol0]

And I have been warned about the "Fred Army". Like I give a shit. If people can't tell that this isn't done in a mean spirited way then they are fucking morons. As Shakespeare was fond of saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Masturbate-a-thon: the gift that keeps on giving

One of the benefits of having built up a core of followers through this blog and YouTube is that people are always sending me suggestions for issues, topics and stories to cover. I welcome all of the suggestions but in many cases I never do anything with them. Sometimes it's because I don't think the idea suits me, sometimes it's because I can't think of anything good to do with it.

But sometimes, there is a story that simply must be done. One such story was recently provided to me via YouTube by Joshua - the recently held San Francisco Masturbat-a-thon. Which is actually an annual event.

The only problem is knowing where to start because there is so much material to work with. The masturbate-a-thon really is the gift that keeps on giving. The delightful thing is you can't parody these people. It's the perfect balance of a really crazy event and people being committed to an essentially positive message. If you try to slag them off, they really aren't going to give a shit.

The good part is, when the subject matter is this funny, you don't need parody. Just looking at exactly what was going on kept me in hysterics. It wasn't enough for them to simply bring people together to masturbate - no, there were competitions. At the 2009 masturbate-a-thon you could compete in:

• Longest squirt distance (and this was a mixed gender event, even if men had an unfair advantage)
• Longest time spent masturbating (and as the website says, bend your gender expectations - the record holder is male)
• Most orgasms (a mixed gender event where women have the advantage) and
• Tag Team "Fun" (which quite frankly boggles my mind)

Put simply, these people are determined to earn back some respect for masturbation. Or something. Hey, I make YouTube videos so I'm all about public masturbation in the metaphorical sense. But it's hard to argue with their core points:

• Masturbation is the safest sex
• More masturbation means more sexual self-awareness
• Masturbation with a partner can be educational and hot

I guess I should add that I know a lot of people would be freaked out by this. The world is full of uptight people who are squeamish about discussing sex and thanks to my Catholic upbringing I know masturbation is really taboo for a lot of people. So putting masturbation right in people's faces like this (so to speak) is pretty confronting. Which I think is kind of their point. Maybe they are just really sick people. But I think they are a great blend of positive, outrageous and just plain funny.

What's not to love about a web site that includes featured masturbators as well as a participation guide that encourages you to get your friends to sponsor your masturbation either by the hour or by the orgasm. I just want to say that if you're having that conversation with your friends they are either really close friends or they hate you and really wish you'd stop calling.

Oh, and I know you want to know the competition results so here they are:

• Existing record holder, Mr Masanobu Sato of Japan broke his old mark of masturbating for 9 hours 33 minutes to set a new record of 9 hours 58 minutes. He might think he's a winner but I say he's soft for not holding out for to more minutes to make an even 10 hours.
• A new record for squirting distance was set by "Flint Greasewood" who shot a truly astounding 5 feet 4 inches. I understand they audience was required to wear protective eyewear.
• And a new Women's World Tag Team time record was set by the owners and union members of the cooperative strip club the Lusty Lady Theatre. I have no idea what is involved in that record but I'm extremely disappointed that I didn't see it.

And as an added bonus, the SF Weekly has a decidedly Not Safe For Work slideshow of highlights. Some of the slideshow captions crack me up too. For instance there's the tip about rest breaks in Masturbation marathons - "It's like a pit stop in the Indianapolis 500 - if you really want to win, keep your tyre changes to a minimum." And then there's the "friendliest wanker of the bunch" who handed the SF Weekly a business card. Which I can only assume they burned - or at least washed thoroughly.

And while, in all honesty, I'm supportive of the overall message of the event I really have to take issue with their site's logo.

The logo in question

Now, I'm not surprised or offended that it features an erect penis. The wings are a little weird but I guess that's a metaphor. Whatever. But WHAT THE FUCK is up with the rear end of it? Why the fuck does it seem to be some sort of flying penis/dog hybrid? And why the fuck does the dog have a huge gaping arsehole? Seriously!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE FUCKING THINKING?!?!?!?!

On second thoughts, scratch that question. I really don't want to know what the person who designed that logo was thinking.

Gayest Rap Name Ever!

So I've started a new series on YouTube: Totally Fucked Up Fridays. In TFU Fridays videos I look back on some of the truly fucked up events of the week.

And what a week this was! It was so hard to choose what stories to cover. Thanks to everyone on Twitter who gave me suggestions (Follow this link to follow me BTW, http://twitter.com/angryaussie).

So many fucked up stories to choose from, I went with Swine Flu, Air Force One buzzing New York City (and giving everyone 9/11 flashbacks), the continuing rape of the internet and the gayest rap name ever.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iuy6nIgWjI]

The STFU on the t-shirt stands for Not Safe For Work. Stop asking. By the way, I really did email Michael Buckley of WhatTheBuckShow fame and he was willing to go on record as agreeing that "Lace Italiano" is the gayest rap name ever.

If you want a way around the "can't watch this outside the US" problem, follow this link.

I link to an instructional video rather than straight to the software as I think the instructions are important. I installed the software and it works but it does tend to hijack some of your browser activity, particularly search. I recommend switching it off when you're not actively using it.