My nakedness is covered by shirts

There are times when a man looks at is wardrobe and asks himself: "Do I have enough novelty t-shirts?"

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6A_CL_QqbU]

And before you ask, I honestly don't know. Sometimes these things just come out of my head.

Marriage is totally gay

With all the furore being stirred up by gay marriage being made legal in California, I gotta say I really don't get what all the fuss is about. I will never get the literalists obsessing over their one man one woman thing. It's simply stupid.

This mentality says some manipulative gold digger who marries for money is blessed by god but two same sex people who love each other aren't. A marriage between two heterosexuals filled with spite, affairs and cruelty is blessed but a marriage between two monogomous gay people who love each other isn't?

Wake the fuck up, people! Britney Spears did more damage to the "sanctity" of marriage than any gay person ever could.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=mI1HdZKhVhE]

Sarcasm

How happy was I when I found an article saying that sarcasm is a favourable evolutionary trait. Science comes through for me again! It isn't my fault if anyone was ever upset by me being sarcastic to them. Their problem is they aren't evolved enough!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=wUWmMcLD9kA]

Mr brain won't behave

I'm having a lot of trouble settiling on things to write for this blog. It isn't for a lack of ideas, rather the opposite. There is an overwhelming mountain of things consuming my focus at the moment. Some of them are:
The RIAA seems to be getting desperate. They are going after radio stations exactly the same way they go after file sharers on the internet. And the radio stations are using exactly the same defence that file sharers on the internet use. It's kinda funny and kinda weird and kinda interesting and, I strongly suspect, kinda important.
Why are so many white people so freaked out by Michelle Obama? Why do they not see the positivity of her "For the first time in my adult lifetime, I'm really proud of my country" statement? And how can they possibly delude themselves into thinking black people shouldn't be angry at whitey?
What role will the US media play in debunking/reinforcing the lies being spread about Barack Obama? Fox News have shown their hand clearly, sinking lower even than I thought possible by calling the fist pound between the Obamas a terrorist fist jab. Will any mainstream media actually spend time saying this Muslim stuff is all bullshit?
Speaking of Fox News, exactly what do you have to do to be able to face the world when you've become that sort of scum? I'm thinking something like massive doses of heroin injected straight into the eye so they never have to see their reflection clearly during the day.
Will anyone ultimately be swayed by the "elitist" bullshit being spread about Obama? How do rich white people get away with saying that shit? They're pushing a doubly nonsenical line of bullshit. The first bit of stupidity is suggesting an even richer white guy from a long line of rich white guys is somehow less elitist. The second is the implication that you should want some dumb motherfucker running the country. Do you want the smartest, most insightful, most thoughtful person running the country or do you want your preferred drinking buddy running things? Wait, don't answer that. The response might depress me.
Who will Obama and McCain choose as vice-presidental running mates? This is more important than in any other election because neither of them will survive a term in office. Obama will get whacked by some crazy if he gets elected and McCain is too old and unwell - the stresses of office would definitely kill him. So whoever gets VP is a lock to sit in the big chair at some point.
You may notice a slight obsession with the US Presidential elections in my points above. This is because beyond the usual no other political process has such a huge effect on the whole world thing, I find this race fascinating for what it represents. The choice could hardly be starker. I would have been far less interested if Clinton had won the nomination, that would have just been the Republican machine versus the Democratic machine. But Obama represents the possibility of something truly different.
I understand why change frightens some people. The astonishing thing is the level of change represented by Obama would have been literally unthinkable, say, five years ago (as brilliantly illustrated by this cartoon). Everyone always thinks the moment they are living in is the most important moment in history. But, damn this seems like a tipping point.

Spornography - it's porn for Spore

Leave it to computer game geeks to jump straight to making porn with a new game.

Here's a link to someone who spent a bit of time cataloging sporn.
http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/?p=1947
Fun, isn't it?

In it a reason to celebrate the ingenuity of humans or is it a reason to despair of humanity? I don't know - I'll leave that to the philosophers. Al I know is I'm not surprised to learn people are making porn in this game.

It seems obvious this game will have red light districts. I find it hard to imagine that the creators will be able to police it. There will be simulated kiddie porn, simulated bestiality and every other sexual perversion you can imagine. Welcome to your future, humanity!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=zCbIVoEwhN0]

What is the point of denying global warming?

I'm beyond caring about people who insist on denying that there is any problem with climate change/global warming. Anyone who can continue talking shit in the face of so much science simply isn't worth bothering about. Although I do still have fun taunting them.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=V_7X9TD6cUM]

I honestly have no interest in engaging or debating deniers because in my experience they simply don't listen. For anyone who's interested you can follow this link to get quite comprehensive refutations of every piece of drivel deniers like to spew forth. Not that presenting them with the truth will change anything.

Oh, and seeing as everyone's piling on Al Gore again, here's a link that provides a bit of perspective and sanity in contrast to most of the shit being said about him.

Ghost Office - a short film by Mr Angry

This is what I do when I'm bored on my lunch hour. I shot and edited this entirely on my mobile phone, a Nokia N95. I re-uploaded this because of some problems with sound synching.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=e2KFfL0Zlrg]

To state the obvious, the only part of this that is true is that I found some empty office space that I thought looked kind of weird. I had the basic idea in mind for a while (since I first discovered the empty office) but I hadn't actually scripted anything. Essentially I walked from room to room and came up with ideas based on what I found.

I shot this in about 10 minutes and it took about 20 minutes to edit on the phone. It isn't intended to be great art or particularly original (it borrows heavily from Blair Witch Project and Cloverfield). I've played around with doing more film-like stuff before. I think I like it.

I may do some more.

Wrong number fun

So the Angry Phone rings a little while ago (+61424 05 68 65 for those who want to try it) and the following conversation takes place:
ME: Hello?
CALLER: Shamir? (or something similar)
M: No, this isn't Shamir.
C: Shamir?
M: No, you've called the wrong number. This isn't Shamir.
C: Oh... (mutter, mutter) Wrong number... (mutter, mutter - eventually they hang up.)
Disappointment set in for me at this point. I've had some really enjoyable conversations with people that were previously unknown to me on the angry phone. Actually, the most common scenario that plays out is silence on the other end. I have found out from a few people that they never expected me to actually answer. I don't always but if I have the phone on and it's convenient I'll answer.
When I get the silent responses I usually make a couple of attempts to get the person to talk, saying things like "It's really me, not voice mail. It's OK, you're allowed to talk - that's why I gave the number out." Then they hang up without saying anything. It seems I'm too scary for some people to talk to, which I don't understand. Maybe I'm not the best judge.
Anyway, my disappointment was short lived because I got another call a minute later:
CALLER: Shamir?
ME: No, you clearly have the wrong number for Shamir. This isn't his phone.
C: Mutter, mutter, mutter (eventually they hang up again.)
Then, after a much smaller gap, the phone rings again. I didn't make a note of the caller's number before but the number showing up on caller ID looks suspiciously familiar.
ME: Hello?
CALLER: Shamir?
M: Why is it so hard for you to accept you have the wrong number for Shamir?
C: (It sounds like they're having a conversation with someone next to them, I can make out a few words.) Shamir... wrong number... you call... (Then they talk directly to me again) Is Shamir?
M: It isn't Shamir and it's never going to be Shamir no matter how many times you call! (after a little silence they hang up.)
I thought maybe this might finally send them on their way but about 30 seconds later they called again.
ME: Hello?
CALLER: Shamir?
M: Yes this is Shamir.
C: (after a pause) Speak to Shamir?
M: This is Shamir speaking now. What do you want?
C: Who is this? (they sound dubious)
M: This is Shamir. Why don't you believe me? You didn't believe me when I said I wasn't Shamir, now you don't believe me when I say I am Shamir. Make up your mind!
C: Is Shamir there?
M: OK, you got me, I'm not Shamir but he is here. He refuses to talk to you because he says he hates you. He also says he's going to punch you in the face next time he sees you. Now piss off and stop calling this bloody number!
They haven't called back since.

GROSS!!! The wisdom (teeth) of Mr Angry

I like to share. I just had to have two wisdom teeth out so of course my first thought was to share the experience via video. I wasn't in much of a mood to set gear up so I decided to experiment with my new phone which has quite a decent camera. Oh, and seriously, don't watch this while eating. Consider yourself duly warned about the grossness factor.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=IknlOzPVIgY]

It's about 36 hours later now and I'm feeling surprisingly good. Not that I'd ever be averse to seeking sympathy but you don't have to worry too much about me.

Toilet horror

You know what I haven't done in a while? Have a good old fashioned rant about how gross it is to share the toilet with people at work. That's what I'm doing today because of these two horror stories.

First up, one that's about as gross and unforgiveable as they come. I just went in to avail myself of the facilities and was greeted in a cubicle by a scattering of used toilet paper. And I'm talking bearing horrid orangey-brown stains used. Motherfucker! What sort of fucking animals am I working with?

Now don't get me wrong, I know sometimes accidents happen. Paper goes astray. But pick it up for fuck's sake! Some of it had fallen a little behind the seat so maybe a really stupid person could have missed it. But some of it was between the seat and the fucking door! The filthy bastard would have had to step over it to leave the cubicle!

What was he thinking? That it was too gross to pick up? Hey, it's your shit, sunshine! How fucking gross do you think it is to other people? Animals! I'm working with fucking animals!

The second one is just weird and disconcerting. I took pictures to show how weird. Also because I'm kind of fond of the camera on my new phone. Don't worry, the photos are safe for work viewing and not particularly stomach-churning. The first photo is obvious enough. This is a toilet cubicle. But what is that little thing towards the top of the picture? The thing I have marked with an arrow for your convenience?

Allow me to zoom in and reveal the horror to you.

That, my friends, is a tube of moisturiser. In a toilet cubicle. There's only one reason I can think of for someone having a tube of moisturiser in a toilet cubicle. And I don't want to think about it. Some freak in the office spends so much time jacking it that he keeps a tube of lube handy.

I swear, I am never shaking hands with anybody in this fucking place again.

Two Years on YouTube

In the deep dark past of June 9th, 2006 I posted my first video to YouTube. I even posted it to my blog on the same day. The really long time readers of this blog (and you johnny-come-latelys better believe there are people who stuck with me for 2+ years) will remember that I only started posting to YouTube because I could embed the videos here.
I still had intentions of pursuing standup back then. The blog writing was helping me work out ideas I thought would work and my initial plan for YouTube was to use the videos as a sort of dry run performance getting ready for potential live performances. Then, not long after I started making videos, YouTube started to seriously take off with the mainstream meaning that even a schmuck like me could get viewed lots of times.
Actually, my timing kinda sucked. If I'd started only a month or two earlier I would have been one of the real pioneers. In all probability this would have gotten me featured on the global front page (if for no other reason than they didn't have as much to choose from back then) which has turned out to be the ticket to YouTube fame. But hey, two years of hard slog to get 1/100th the attention of those talentless hacks on the "most subscribed" list isn't all bad.
I'm not bitter.
In fact, I learned early on that the only way to stay sane was to be inwardly focused rather than looking at how people arguably less "deserving" (whatever that means) than me were getting all the attention. It's actually pretty decent life advice: if you aren't getting some intrinsic internal reward from what you're doing, it won't take much for you to get bitter and frustrated and wanting to give up. This probably explains why so many people hate their jobs.
One of the most common questions I was asked in the first year as I started to gain some dedicated fans was "would you give this up if you don't get famous?" They were seeing what I was seeing. Huge amounts of attention was being given to people who were mediocre at best. I was working hard to produce far more videos that were, by and large, much more entertaining than what was being produced by the YouTube stars.
SIDE NOTE: I gave up false modesty a long time ago. I am firmly of the opinion that 95% of what I produce is better than 95% of what YouTube celebrities produce. There are without doubt some people on YouTube who are better than me. Some of them are much better. But holy shit some talentless fuckwads get a lot of attention. And a lot more who had potential lose their shit when they get their attention. It's kind of sad seeing them frozen in terror like a kangaroo staring into the lights of an oncoming truck.
At the time I always answered that YouTube "fame" wasn't my driving goal and I was focused on doing things for myself and I'd keep going as long as it was fun. There were some days I was stating this with a tad more conviction than I was really feeling. I did occasionally slide towards "fuck this" feelings. But I'm still at it two years later so it appears I wasn't lying. Woohoo, go me!
I was in two minds as to what to do regarding this anniversary. One thought was to pretty much ignore it. The second (obviously) was to mark it somehow. After a bit of thought on the matter I thought I'd muse a little on what I've learned in the last two years. I am quite frequently asked for advice on how to succeed on YouTube (despite the fact any rational person would consider me a tiny speck on the YouTube radar) so I thought I'd try and condense what I have learned over the last two years into one convenient package. Which will promptly be ignored five minutes from now by some moron who can't be bothered to check if I've answered their inane bloody questions before.
The first and most important piece of advice I can give is you HAVE to be doing it for yourself. I've basically said it already in this piece but it's worth repeating. If the videos (or blog posts) you're producing don't provide you with some value in and of themselves to you, then you are destined for heartache and pain. Even if you attain that difficult to define "online fame".
A corollary to that is you can't keep any audience happy all the time so the driving force behind the work has to be you. As is obvious to anyone who reads this blog or watches my YouTube videos, I interact with my audience. I respond to comments. I collaborate with people. I often approach topics suggested by viewers. But I do NOT do whatever my audience wants. There are two main reasons for this:
1. People are dumb as shit and don't know what they want. This is of course a joke but like most jokes it is based on truth. If people really knew how to produce quality entertainment they'd be doing it themselves.
2. Audiences aren't singular entities with uniform tastes. Ask 5 people what to do and you'll get 6 mutually exclusive conflicting responses. And if you do what someone wants they'll end up saying they don't like it.
My second piece of advice for someone wanting to succeed on YouTube is to take a good hard look at yourself and what you're doing/plan to do and give an honest answer to the question: "Do you deserve to succeed?" What are you doing that is so compelling? And pointing out a YouTube "star" that you think is shit is a cop-out. Stop being jealous of what you don't have (a battle I'm constantly fighting myself) and make a case for yourself.
There's a disturbing sense of entitlement I see in the attitudes of many people who upload videos to YouTube. Over and over I see people put out shit and then complain "why don't people subscribe to me?" It's quite freaky to me to see people who see success as an entitlement rather than something you work for. I'm continually surprised at how much weight people place on my rather modest levels of success. Then they ask how they can be as successful as me. How about you start with two years of hard fucking work?
My third piece of advice is be prepared for disappointment. Even if you're very good, that's no guarantee for success. If you're the type who's easily discouraged by setbacks then trying to get noticed on YouTube will crush your spirit. Into tiny little pieces. And the shattered remains of your soul will be eviscerated by the dreaded haters.
OK, this is all sort of abstract. And depressing. Can't I give some specific tips? And be a bit less bloody negative? I'll give it a go.
The number one way to advance yourself is to interact. It's no good you being a genius if people don't know you exist. So interact with people who are already known. Comment on other videos frequently. In a meaningful way. Don't leave crap like "LOL" and think that's interacting. If you don't know how to do that then you're probably a lost cause.
And, of course, YouTube is a video hosting site so interact via video. Do response videos (although this is a far less useful tactic than it used to be - the signal to noise ration has gotten very bad). Collaborate with other YouTubers to make group videos. Although don't expect Smosh (the most subscribed people on YouTube) to agree to do things with you. What the fuck do Smosh owe you? It's this sense of entitlement thing again. I'm continually amazed at how many people seem to be personally offended when high profile people won't do them favours or respond to their messages. For fuck's sake, are you too stupid to realise how many of these messages they get a day?
Making videos on hot topics also tends to get more views than average (whatever your average level is.) Again, have something to say. Don't make a video on a given topic solely because it's the buzz du jour. Sure, someone might click on it because of the topic but if you do is say "Britney Spears' vagina... woah," they're not going to click on any other video of yours.
A lot of people (and I mean a LOT) have taken the path of deliberately manufacturing some form of controversy to attract attention. What passes for a mental process with these people seems to go "I have no talent or imagination myself. I could always do something supportive of someone who gets more attention than me but they have a lot of fans already so I wouldn't stand out much. I know, I'll attack them! That will make all their fans angry and I'll get lots of attention."
I have spent quite a bit of time pondering how fucked someone's life actually has to be to invite the hatred of random strangers. It seems like the classic loser bully who is acting out after a life of being neglected by their parents. Bad attention is better than no attention.
While this approach most definitely has worked in garnering a number of people quite a bit of attention but what the fuck do you do with that sort of attention? "OK, now I'm widely known as a jealous, talentless piece of shit who uses up all his time attacking people who actually have some talent. Time to parlay this reputation for being spiteful pond scum into a career!" Outside of a job with Fox News, what's that gonna get you?
Actually, one more thing about the "haters". They really suck at what they do. I've made a point of never responding to them and, indeed, never attacking another YouTuber by name. And they're fucking lucky. I would have eviscerated them. You'd think if they were going to make it their life's work to harrass people they'd actually be good at it. But by and large they've been utterly pathetic ranters. There were days when I thought I'd be doing them a favour by ripping them apart, you know, showing them how it's done. But we all know I'm more mature than that.
So that's essentially what I've learned about succeeding on YouTube in my two years:
Do it for yourself first, pandering to an audience will drive you crazy
Do something that's actually worth being known for
Be in it for the long haul
Interact with other people via comments
Interact with other people via videos (responses, collaborations)
Make videos about hot topics
Be positive in your interactions with other YouTubers!
Or not. I still don't know why people ask me for advice. Go ask Smosh. I hear they always answer messages.

Random Costume Moments

I've noticed "the kids" today like to say "random" a lot, even to things that really aren't very random. I know my kids tend to like the really weird random things on YouTube like "Stick figures on Crack". This video should appeal to that demographic. I took my kids to a play centre called Taskworks that provide, among other things, some neat dress up costumes.

Normal adults leave this stuff to the kids. Me on the other hand, I set myself the task to do some random video in each of the themed dress up zones. The random demographic should like this video:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=K7ljQDVYTcQ]

Ed Norton and old people

When I wrote my recent post about old people pissing me off at the cinema I had intended for it to be a script for a video. As it was, it ended up being two videos. Mostly because in the first one I got off track musing on what a badass Ed Norton is.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=0xIVb_-FAL4]

But I did eventually remember that I meant to rant about how much old people piss me off:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=jRpCWvo7UdU]

First contact with lost Amazon tribe

You know that tribe in the Amazon that was recently discovered? Well I've got an exclusive for you! Here's their first words to the outside world:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=LWxtOzHO3lU]

The Angry Moron Hunter

I have decided that it is not possible to set a lower limit for stupidity. No matter how sure I am that I've seen the stupidest behaviour imaginable, there always some moron who's all too eager to do something even more stupid.

Recently, I've been venting on some pet hates in my "Shut the fuck up" series of videos and blog posts. These are not subtle. I make it abundantly clear that this isn't a debate. I am just telling people who piss me off to shut the fuck up. Anyone with the faintest shred of intelligence would know that it's utterly pointless to take exception to what I say in these cases. Because I clearly don't give a shit.

Isn't it lucky for me that the world is full of people without the faintest shred of intelligence?

It is literally impossible to be too obvious for these people. Their heads are so far up their collective arses that they are incapable of understanding how stupid they make themselves look. I made this video to try and explain it from my perspective.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=bE1x5Xp8Azs]

And yes, quite a few morons came out and made complete dicks out of themselves with their comments in response to this video on YouTube. How the fuck do these people even remember how to breathe?

Old people at the cinema

Sometimes I am very impressed with my own self control. Impressed because I usually repress my frequent urges to fuck people up in a way they desperately deserve. Most recently this happened when I attended the cinema on Saturday night to see "The Painted Veil" (plot summary: cuckolded husband gets revenge on his adulterous wife by forcing her to accompany him into the middle of a cholera outbreak in rural China. Great date movie.)
This particular cinema leans more towards art house fare rather than mainstream blockbusters. It's also in a pretty affluent suburb. As such, its clientele is disproportionately dominated by rich old people. Two things about these people bug me. One is that they frequently have loud conversations that make it clear they really don't like poor people (like me, for instance). Two is that they move REALLY FUCKING SLOWLY!
There is a flight of stairs at the entry and I had the bad luck to be directly behind a group of six old people. They walked in a clump taking up the whole stairway so I was forced to walk at about 1/10th of my preferred speed behind them. All the while considering screaming out "Why the fuck won't you people move to the fucking side and walk in single fucking file? You're always complaining how young people are rude. Do you know why they're rude? They're following your fucking example!"
As annoying as they were, I figured I could survive being stuck behind them on the stairs. They were indeed slow, old and pompously rich but it would only be a minute or two until I could get past them. Finally they reached at the top of the stairs. And they fucking stopped! There was a wide open foyer right in front of them. Did they walk into this open space and then pause to consider their options? No they did not! They stopped at the head of the stairs completely blocking the way with a wall of old people-ness.
I almost called them an immovable wall but I could have moved them real fucking easy. I was seriously considering grabbing them by their pearl necklaces and fox skin shoulder wraps and hurling them back down behind me. My near-psychic girlfriend (who knows me very well) kept a firm grip on me and so the spillage of pensioner blood was averted.
But I'm glad I didn't dress up for the night. These people are so uptight, the sight of me in a collarless shirt was probably almost as confronting to them as if I had actually screamed at them to get the fuck out of my way. These little revenges make life worthwhile sometimes.