First milestone for the angry empire

So I took the big leap this week up and set up some online t-shirt sales. Thanks to the magic of CafePress I can actually do this without too much hassle. Of course nobody might actually care but enough people have commented over the years that I should sell t-shirts that I thought I'd give it a go.

The whole adventure is made easier by the fact that one on my YouTube subscribers did some designs for me. And I didn't even ask for them - he just did them. So now there are two designs available on CafePress. This one:

Angry Shirt

And this one (that I've been using as an icon on various websites)

AngryAussie Mask Design

So give me moneyyou bastards. Or not. This is really just an experiment. But if you want to, click here for the default "Angry" design or click here for the mask design. And because people have always said they like the shirts I design myself and suggested that hand made shirts would sell, I've been working on some prototypes. I can't exactly mass produce these but I've cobbled together a home made screen so I can print multiple shirts before the screen packs it in.

The whole process of making these shirts still takes an insane amount of time so it isn't worth my while to make them unless I can sell them for at least $50. If anyone thinks that's insane you won't get a lot of argument for me. So the really experimental part of this process was doing some prototypes and putting them up on eBay to see what happens.

The good news (for me) is I've already sold one! Admittedly, to my friend Nick (AKA Arthur40TwoDent on YouTube) but it's a start. The commercial juggernaut that is the Angry Empire has been launched. Jump aboard or be crushed under its wheels. Which is my way of inviting you to bid on one of the following designs on eBay:

STFU - Red on Gold

Click here for the auction for this shirt.

STFU - Purple and Yellow

Click here for the auction for this shirt

STFU - Red & Gold on White

Click here for the link to this auction.

And, me being me, I made a video to celebrate this milestone for the Angry Empire:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu1R_cuHJak]

BlogTV shenanigans

I had a fun time on BlogTV tonight. If the idea of interacting with me live seems like fun to you, you should sign up to get notifications of my live shows. Or follow me on Twitter to get tweets telling you what I'm doing. Or not. I completely understand if this doesn't appeal to you.

But we have fun doing bizarre things like playing 20 questions. And I do occasional rants. And people frequently convince me to do stupid things:

Dalek or dickhead?

And there are sexy goings on like me rubbing my nipples:

I'm dead sexy

Plus you often get sneak previews into what I'm doing if you tune into the BlogTV shows - I was showing off prototype t-shirt designs today. All in all, it's fun.

If you're into fun.

The Blogging Bot from the Future

An old favourite returns to YouTube:

Yes, that's how the future really looks. And sounds.

And because I care about my viewers/readers, in case you found it hard to understand what the Blogging Bot was saying, here's a transcript:

Greetings from the future.

From my vantage point in the future, I know the answer to many things that are regarded as mysteries in your time. For instance, some in your time suggest time travel must never be achieved because if it had been, time travellers would have come back to visit you. This might make sense apart from one thing you're all such a bunch of dicks what time traveller would waste time coming back to see you?

You people are coming towards the end of what is known in my time as The Stupid Ages an age of ignorance, narcissism and self-obsession that is laughable in my enlightened future. Which I guess is my enlightened present. Your future. You get what I mean. Unless you're one of the really stupid ones.

For instance: Fox News. What the hell is that about? The sort of rubbish spewed out on that supposed news network is so insanely mind-numbingly stupid if someone said something 1/1000th as stupid in my era, they would be put down as a mercy killing. Not a mercy for them they probably wouldn't like it. A mercy for the rest of us. Because we don't want to put up with crap like that.

I mean, seriously. In my age even children ponder great metaphysical questions. Do you know what the single most commonly asked question in your era is? When will I be famous? Not When will I be recognised for my achievements but When will I be famous? What the hell is wrong with you people? Why not get off your at reality-TV watching arses and do something worthwhile? Get good at something and wait for people to notice that. Don't sit there staring into your mirror asking When will I be famous?

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

I'm sorry, I recently had my personality subroutine augmented and I haven't quite got the hang of controlling the contempt I feel for the Stupid Ages yet.

I implore you, do your part to end the Stupid Ages. Stop obsessing about yourself and day-to-day trivia and get out and change something in the world for the better. Or not. Like I give a crap. You're all dead to me anyway.

End transmission

Totally fucked up or totally cool?

Funniest eyewitness statements ever. Who says street shootings can't be funny?

Sometimes it's only your point of view the determines whether or not something is Totally Fucked Up. This TFU Friday it's up to you to decide whether or not the stories are Totally Fucked Up or totally cool.

First is "Internet sensation" Clare Werbeloff who gave a funny account of a shooting in Sydney's Kings Cross. Some call here a bogan, some even call her a fake. Check it out for yourself

And then there's Josko Risa, currently running for mayor of the Croatian town Prolozac. The slogan for his openly corrupt campaign is "All for me, none for you."

And thanks to Nick for pointing me to that one!

And finally there's my "friends" at The Taboo Group who previously sent me Chuck and are now sending me mutilated Barbie heads in the mail.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTECo-2-jjE]

Here's some info about the movie "Prey" I missed seeing. DAMMIT!

The Dyslexic Christian

Yes, I'm making fun of both Christians AND dyslexics - two reasons to hate me! This is the story of my adventures with a dyslexic Christian friend. You see, I don't hate religion, I'm simply not interested in it. So long as people don't get up in my face, I'll leave them alone.

Which sometimes gives people the mistaken impression I am nice.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q257oSsJIzU]

And if you actually need this joke explained to you, click here to get some bonus material!

Fred in 30 years

"Fred" is the user name of the most subscribed channel on YouTube. He was the first person to pass one million subscribers. Rumour has it he makes $US5,000-10,000 each week just from Adsense revenue via YouTube. There are Fred branded shirts on sale at Hot Topic in the US (an probably other places). I try not to let these facts depress me.

I frequently get asked what I think of Fred by people who say kind things like I deserve more success than him. The truth is, I have nothing against him. He's not really my "thing" but good luck to him for his success. Rather than wasting time obsessing over the idea that he doesn't deserve his level of success, I prefer to look on his success as a positive example of what is possible.

This video is my idea of what Fred will look like in 30 years. By this time he is sure to have one billion subscribers.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkXLsGEol0]

And I have been warned about the "Fred Army". Like I give a shit. If people can't tell that this isn't done in a mean spirited way then they are fucking morons. As Shakespeare was fond of saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Masturbate-a-thon: the gift that keeps on giving

One of the benefits of having built up a core of followers through this blog and YouTube is that people are always sending me suggestions for issues, topics and stories to cover. I welcome all of the suggestions but in many cases I never do anything with them. Sometimes it's because I don't think the idea suits me, sometimes it's because I can't think of anything good to do with it.

But sometimes, there is a story that simply must be done. One such story was recently provided to me via YouTube by Joshua - the recently held San Francisco Masturbat-a-thon. Which is actually an annual event.

The only problem is knowing where to start because there is so much material to work with. The masturbate-a-thon really is the gift that keeps on giving. The delightful thing is you can't parody these people. It's the perfect balance of a really crazy event and people being committed to an essentially positive message. If you try to slag them off, they really aren't going to give a shit.

The good part is, when the subject matter is this funny, you don't need parody. Just looking at exactly what was going on kept me in hysterics. It wasn't enough for them to simply bring people together to masturbate - no, there were competitions. At the 2009 masturbate-a-thon you could compete in:

• Longest squirt distance (and this was a mixed gender event, even if men had an unfair advantage)
• Longest time spent masturbating (and as the website says, bend your gender expectations - the record holder is male)
• Most orgasms (a mixed gender event where women have the advantage) and
• Tag Team "Fun" (which quite frankly boggles my mind)

Put simply, these people are determined to earn back some respect for masturbation. Or something. Hey, I make YouTube videos so I'm all about public masturbation in the metaphorical sense. But it's hard to argue with their core points:

• Masturbation is the safest sex
• More masturbation means more sexual self-awareness
• Masturbation with a partner can be educational and hot

I guess I should add that I know a lot of people would be freaked out by this. The world is full of uptight people who are squeamish about discussing sex and thanks to my Catholic upbringing I know masturbation is really taboo for a lot of people. So putting masturbation right in people's faces like this (so to speak) is pretty confronting. Which I think is kind of their point. Maybe they are just really sick people. But I think they are a great blend of positive, outrageous and just plain funny.

What's not to love about a web site that includes featured masturbators as well as a participation guide that encourages you to get your friends to sponsor your masturbation either by the hour or by the orgasm. I just want to say that if you're having that conversation with your friends they are either really close friends or they hate you and really wish you'd stop calling.

Oh, and I know you want to know the competition results so here they are:

• Existing record holder, Mr Masanobu Sato of Japan broke his old mark of masturbating for 9 hours 33 minutes to set a new record of 9 hours 58 minutes. He might think he's a winner but I say he's soft for not holding out for to more minutes to make an even 10 hours.
• A new record for squirting distance was set by "Flint Greasewood" who shot a truly astounding 5 feet 4 inches. I understand they audience was required to wear protective eyewear.
• And a new Women's World Tag Team time record was set by the owners and union members of the cooperative strip club the Lusty Lady Theatre. I have no idea what is involved in that record but I'm extremely disappointed that I didn't see it.

And as an added bonus, the SF Weekly has a decidedly Not Safe For Work slideshow of highlights. Some of the slideshow captions crack me up too. For instance there's the tip about rest breaks in Masturbation marathons - "It's like a pit stop in the Indianapolis 500 - if you really want to win, keep your tyre changes to a minimum." And then there's the "friendliest wanker of the bunch" who handed the SF Weekly a business card. Which I can only assume they burned - or at least washed thoroughly.

And while, in all honesty, I'm supportive of the overall message of the event I really have to take issue with their site's logo.

The logo in question

Now, I'm not surprised or offended that it features an erect penis. The wings are a little weird but I guess that's a metaphor. Whatever. But WHAT THE FUCK is up with the rear end of it? Why the fuck does it seem to be some sort of flying penis/dog hybrid? And why the fuck does the dog have a huge gaping arsehole? Seriously!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE FUCKING THINKING?!?!?!?!

On second thoughts, scratch that question. I really don't want to know what the person who designed that logo was thinking.

Gayest Rap Name Ever!

So I've started a new series on YouTube: Totally Fucked Up Fridays. In TFU Fridays videos I look back on some of the truly fucked up events of the week.

And what a week this was! It was so hard to choose what stories to cover. Thanks to everyone on Twitter who gave me suggestions (Follow this link to follow me BTW, http://twitter.com/angryaussie).

So many fucked up stories to choose from, I went with Swine Flu, Air Force One buzzing New York City (and giving everyone 9/11 flashbacks), the continuing rape of the internet and the gayest rap name ever.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iuy6nIgWjI]

The STFU on the t-shirt stands for Not Safe For Work. Stop asking. By the way, I really did email Michael Buckley of WhatTheBuckShow fame and he was willing to go on record as agreeing that "Lace Italiano" is the gayest rap name ever.

If you want a way around the "can't watch this outside the US" problem, follow this link.

I link to an instructional video rather than straight to the software as I think the instructions are important. I installed the software and it works but it does tend to hijack some of your browser activity, particularly search. I recommend switching it off when you're not actively using it.

Swine Flu - How to protect yourself

A special film from the archive of the Government Department for really useful films.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq4_jNeUT-U]

It's a little disturbing that in the short time since I made this, the Worl Health Organisation raised their alert level to 5. And just in case there is some moron out there who wants to whine about this being insensitive and people dying - save it. I don't give a crap that you have no sense of humour.

If you're after some actual real information, this short Q&A is a good start.

Also, the pig in a sombrero joke comes to you courtesy of Dave/DCTCool

BlogTV Madness

I've been diversifying a little this month (as mentioned in previous posts) and trying out BlogTV. It seemed a bit weird to me and I didn't know what people expect me to do when I'm sitting there live. So I asked.

It seems people are reasonably happy to watch me talking crap. For a laugh on Saturday night (my time) I decided to go on drunk. Or at least get drunk while I was on there. Because then I wasn't drinking alone, I was drinking with other people and therefore not an alcoholic!

The show went on for about 3 and 1/2 hoursuntil I decided I really should stop around 1.30am. Quite a lot of people came through during that time - around 100 I think but I was too drunk to know for sure. But the good news was: no hangover!

A few people grabbed screen shots of various shenanigans:

Dragonball Evolution movie poster

What is it with Hollywood casting white people in roles meant for Asians? John Wayne was even cast to play Genghis Khan once! At least they got it right in the new Dragonball movie.











Because white people with eyeliner totally look Asian.

God's to list

Found stuck to a very large fridge somewhere in the cosmos:

For those who can't tell, this is the product of a catholic education.

Reasons I rip on haters

People often ask me, if I think haters are such a waste of space, why do I take the time to rip on them? I punch those people in the face. I have a range of reasons for ripping on haters and they are neatly explained in this graph:

The blog is dead - long live the blog

I know there are more abandoned blogs than active blogs out there but I've been feeling a bit guilty about neglecting my little corner of the blogosphere. Not too guilty. It isn't as if I've been drowning kittens. More like maybe I kicked a puppy. The kick may have even been accidental. Like I slipped and before I regained my balance my foot made contact with a puppy. So not that bad.
Okay, so maybe the puppy was startled and yelped in fear. Maybe it even ran off. Into traffic. And was disembowelled by a tram. But that's hardly my fault. What was the stupid fucking puppy doing getting in my way anyhow?
So anyway, I've been neglecting this blog which is not particularly nice because this blog has been good to me. So I'm thinking it's time for a resurrection of sorts. My grand plan is to start using the blog more often again but in different ways. The whole "being angry all the time" shtick has gotten a bit boring for me. At least writing about it has gotten old. I tried to avoid being half-arsed with blog posts so as a result posting took a lot of time and effort which had stopped seeming like it was worth it.
YouTube was my downfall. It's so easy. For me, anyway. It isn't that I don't put a lot of work into my videos and responding to comments, I do. But I do find it very easy to spend the time and execute on YouTube and less so here on the blog. So YouTube has thrived while the blog has withered. That's life. The fact that I've been getting into Twitter lately hasn't helped the blog either (follow me if you aren't already). Facebook still doesn't appeal to me (nor do MySpace or any of the others) but YouTube still has me hooked. But I'm not ready to give up on the blog completely.
I have a bit of a re-invention in mind. The plan is mostly formed but it will likely evolve. The posts will be more regular but shorter. And probably much more visual. I'm getting into the idea of doing more humorous graphs and charts. And maybe Despair.com-style demotivators. And the surveys Wordpress lets you do (probably tied to my YouTube videos). Maybe even a webcomic.
Shallow crowd pleasing stuff in other words. You'll love it.
Oh, and I'm revisiting my blogroll too because I know there's some dead blogs there. And I'll be trying to visit those who are still active more often. So if you consider yourself an old faithful and you're not on the blogroll maybe you should drop me a line ;)
Be seeing you soon! Probably.

To the hated

I've had a few discourses on the topic of haters and negative behaviour in the past but until reading this recent guest post on BoingBoing I'd never considered that by labelling someone else a hater I'm effectively labelling myself "the hated". I found that a little jarring (which I don't think was the author's intent) because it's such a negative and (to me) submissive word.
What I liked about the post is that he was giving people who might feel alone and victimised a lifeline. You're not alone. You're not at fault. You're not powerless. Here are some ways to deal with haters. It inspired me to do the following video:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uO0EP41_TE]
When I've dealt with the topic I've always tried to do it as a show of support for other people who find themselves on the receiving end of abuse. Attacking haters can be fun but it's ultimately pointless. This is simply because there is not point to hater behaviour no matter how much they talk themselves up. They are weak, pathetic people with nothing of value to offer so they seek to tear others down.
A friend of mine once described the situation as the world being made up of two types of people: mountain climbers and ditch diggers. When mountain climbers see someone above them thy start climbing in order to reach the same heights. When ditch diggers see someone above them they start digging a hole with the hope that the other person will fall into it.
So my philosophy is: don't let haters get to you. Their attacks on you are nothing more than their admission you are better than them. You're better and they have no hope of ever equalling you so they want to drag you down. Ignore them and they'll fester away in the dark hole they've created for themselves.
And just to round off, here's a link to Ricky Gervais' blog:
http://www.rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php

Yolog a day - day 2 Recommended reading

I thought I'd throw out a few reading recommendations. I could give heaps more but this is a start.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9gIlMJfVRk]

And here's some free stuff online:

Classics!
http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page

Science Fiction!
http://www.baen.com/library/

Zombies! (Start with Monster Island)
http://www.brokentype.com/monster/

Cory Doctorow's stuff:
http://craphound.com/

Yolog a day - Day 1 Communication

I've been inspired to shift gears for a week by Anakin1814 a YouTube friend so it's all his fault. I'm making a personal video each day for a week (which is called a yolog not vlog no matter how many fools say otherwise) just to explore some ideas. In this first one, I talk about my approach to online communication and a few other things.

You also get to meet my stitch baby! The stitch baby was made for me by the wonderful Lucy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIpM0U-w5Hw

Actually, I almost re-shot this because I watched it and I wasn't very lively. But I covered a lot of stuff I wanted to and I don't mind the conversational style.

Horseshit and bollocks

I was just at the movies and noticed a poster for the forthcoming sequel to The DaVinci Code, Angel and Demons. A more accurate title would be Horseshit and Bollocks. I've never bothered to read any of Dan Brown's books or watched the previous movie. The list of books I want to read before that is too long and life is too short. For that reason I won't pass judgement on his writing - there's plenty of other people doing that. Whether his writing is good or bad is immaterial to why his books and more specifically the hype around them pisses me off.
Bad fiction I can deal with. But when a hack writer uses the hype of "this is inspired by the truth" to sell books I feel like getting out the angry hammer and looking for skulls to crack. Particularly annoying is how it appeals to conspiracy theory whackjobs. And in case anyone is unclear on how I feel about those brain dead, self-important conspiracy-spouting shit-weasels who'd rather jack off to their insane fantasies of how they are the only ones clever enough to see through vast conspiracies that "the sheeple" are duped by... well, I think they're just super.
I really want to reiterate that this isn't about the quality (or lack thereof) of Dan Brown's writing. I don't look down on people who read and enjoy his books. Lots of intelligent people I know fall into this category. I simply choose not to do so myself. It's the fucked up "wooo isn't it spooky that all these secrets exist" bullshit that I can't tolerate. If the choice is between reading nothing and reading Dan Brown then definitely read Dan Brown. Even ingesting the verbal diarrhoea that Oprah recommends is better than simply watching Oprah.
That goes for Twilight too. It's really trendy to say the Twilight books are shit and they only appeal to dippy little girls and Mormons. They are still fucking books! Reading is a good thing! You know what I started out reading? Comic books. And how many idiotic adults think they are trash that should be banned? I'm not even talking about deep and meaningful "graphic novels" - I'm talking trashy, pulpy comic books. Then I graduated to reading Doctor Who novelisations.
If any adult had tried to rip these from my grasp and force me to read "real books" that would have been the last thing I ever read. But because I was reading what I wanted, I enjoyed reading and slowly progressed to more challenging books. These days I even occasionally commit literature. Why do people not get this and insist on telling those who read things they don't approve of to stop that right now! They'll stop all right. And never pick up a book again.
So yeah, if Dan Brown would lay off his "it's true!" schtick I'd be less inclined to want to bash his brains out with a cricket bat. Even if he is a shitty writer.

800 videos

Waaaaaay back in June 2006 when I started on YouTube, I wouldn't have believed I'd manage to make over 800 videos. After the fact it seems to have been very easy to do. I hate to think where this creative energy would have ended up without this. I suspect there would have been heads on sticks at the bottom of my garden.

As is usual for my 100 milestone, I've done a compilation of clips of videos 701-799. If you have a spare 15 minutes, sit back and enjoy!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=xLciicFYzdQ]

AngryAussie has a wet sticky crotch on YouTube

As promised, I made a video of my recent blog post where I lose it over my lunch dumping a bunch of meat juice in my crotch. It seemed fitting to resurrect the angry mask.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlntCrCZ1Q4]