Friday, March 31, 2006

Driving Angry

Driving is one of the most angry-making activities I can think of. The level of stupidity displayed on the road every day just boggles my mind (not by me of course – anything I do wrong is an innocent one-off mistake and should be forgiven). So I think a warning is in order: when I am supreme dictator there are going to be a lot less cars on the road. So get familiar with public transport (and remember what I said about deodorant).

This isn’t because I’m anti-car, I love cars. I bought one recently. I’m just anti-fuckwit driver. Once again, it’s the people! Not the cars – the people! I’ve decided you must be too dumb to follow all the complicated road rules so I’ll make things simpler. There will be one rule: if you’re a fuckwit, you’re out.

Cut across three lanes of traffic without warning forcing everyone else to jam on the brakes? You’re out!

Tailgate someone who’s doing the speed limit? You’re out!

Block the overtaking lane while doing 10k below the limit? You’re out!

Spend more on your car stereo than your car? You’re out!

Dive a 4WD (or SUV if you insist on calling them that) that never leaves the suburbs (let alone goes off-road)? You’re out! (And I’m going to lift your damn 4WD up with a crane and drop it on your fucking head)

Drive a truck? Not any more, I’m sick of you bastards blocking every lane on the road. What is it with truck drivers? If there are two trucks and two lanes they won’t go in single file – they’ll go side by side and block both lanes. And if there are three lanes, inevitably each will be blocked by a truck. One stretch of road I drive on is four lanes wide and the bastards are always spread out across all four lanes.

God, truck drivers make me angry! Socially maladjusted drug abusing fuckwits always intimidating car drivers because they’re trying to overcompensate for having tiny penises.

Yeah, the women too.

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