Monday, November 27, 2006

The best job in the world

No, I'm not talking about my job. Now, if I was being paid to blog and vlog that would be the best job in the world for me and what I want to do. Actually, as a side note, I thing "vlog" is the wrong term for video blogs. Blog was coined as a contraction for weblog so for the truly obsessive it would be spelled 'blog to indicate some letters had been taken from the start of the word. Following this convention, the currently broadly accepted terminology for video blogs would be punctuated as v'log because the contraction is in the middle.

I think for the sake of consistency olog would be better. And it would be easier to say. I don't know about you, but I pronounce v'log as "vee-log". So we're not even getting the efficiency of a single syllable contraction. And don't go telling me you pronounce it as a single syllable "vlog" because that sounds too much like blog and nobody will ever know what you're talking about. I know my readers aren't that silly.

But "olog" sounds a bit crap. I think is sounds better if you claim the entire sound from the last syllable of video so it becomes "yolog". That's it! I hereby embark on the pointless (and probably ultimately fruitless) quest to have video blogs known as yologs. None of which has anything to do with what I was going to write today.

I have decided the best job in the world must be to write for one of those tabloid gossip magazines. If you can look past the fact you have to be a soul-less life-hating scumbag to work at one. Look at the upside: you are paid to make shit up. People give you money to vilify famous people who have lives much better than your own will ever be. Everyone hates people with privileged lives. Gossip mags are the ultimate revenge.

We've all seen them. On the newsagent shelf or next to the supermarket register. Colourful glossy mags screaming out "this person is too fat", "that person is too skinny", "so-and-so is on drugs", "guess who's gay?" Always with the exclusive gossip regarding the collapse of a celebrity's life "according to sources close to the star." I know I'd feel much happier if I could start each day by thinking "what celebrity do I want to fuck with today?"

Yeah, Tom Cruise... what has that fucker done for me lately? Here's a flash photo of Lindsay Lohan that makes her look a bit weird. She'd probably look like that if she was on drugs! Hey, check it out! This photo has a shadow on that star's face that could be a bruise if you use your imagination. Let's say they're in an abusive relationship!

My girlfriend reminds me sometimes that this is the sort of shit I'm inviting upon myself by wanting to be famous. That might be the definition of fame in the modern world - famous enough to be slandered by a gossip rag. The thing is, I know I'm completely screwed if I ever attain any sort of fame under my own name. I think you have to reach some sort of critical level of fame for the tabloids to start inventing lies of their own volition. My problem is a psychotic revenge-oriented ex-girlfriend who would go to town if she ever saw my name in any media.

She hasn't seen my name for a while because, in order to get away from her, after breaking up with her I changed jobs, moved address, changed phone number and changed email address. Yes, she's that fucking crazy. I've thought of pre-empting any of her attacks on me by doing a series of yologs detailing her insane behaviour. Then, if tabloids ever start quoting her, I can reply by saying "I've already documented what a psycho she is, if you want to hang your tissue-thin credibility on the ravings of an absolute lunatic, that's up to you."

I'm not all that worried. The future for these shitty gossip rags is very limited. One thing I would most definitely do if I got famous would be to maintain my blog. I haven't seen any celebrity taking effective advantage of blogging yet but it's only a matter of time. Why would anyone believe the bullshit gossip when they could communicate with the stars directly? The only reason these gossipy tabloids (both print and broadcast) exists is because of the gap between stars and fans. Take that away and you take away their power.

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