I learned something at work today - I don't communicate as well as I think I do. I had a few stressful hours trying to clarify some rather complex issues. The other parties involved were intelligent people and, in fact, I quite enjoy working with them. But the difficulties I was having were really stressing me out.
I think I might actually do one of my more serious posts on the topic of effective communication now I'm thinking of it. But not today. This video shows me releasing my stress today:
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
I, for one, welcome our insect overlords
So have you heard about how people are freaking out about bees disappearing? Nobody knows for sure and some weird theories are floating about. I don't know what's happening but fortunately I know somebody from the future who can give us the answer from his vantage point...
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Crime Scene Investigation
I've noticed a tendency for people to try to make their lives, and more specifically their work, seem more exciting than it really is. Usually, this desperate attempt to appear interesting simply highlights how fucked the person's life actually is.
I remember years ago I was working in the IT department of an insurance company and there was a new finance system being developed that was code-named "weapon". I'm sure the dweebs who thought that one up did it because they imagined they would sound cool chatting up some girl in a bar saying "I work on weapon development."
Another example I can think of was some scumbag ticket inspectors on a tram one day. As an aside, I fucking hate ticket inspectors. And parking inspectors. Don't waste my time saying "I'm just doing my job." That defence didn't work in Nuremberg and it won't work with me. About six of these wankers were in "plainclothes" on the tram I was riding when all of a sudden they synchronised the revelation of their inspector badges they'd been concealing on a lanyard under their clothes.
I had a ticket so they couldn't hassle me but I couldn't stop laughing. It seemed like they had watched too many episodes of "Law and Order". They thought they were some sort of hardcore undercover cops the way they did it so seriously. I don't think they appreciated my mirth.
On a similar note, check out this video showing what the dickheads in my local council are up to.
I remember years ago I was working in the IT department of an insurance company and there was a new finance system being developed that was code-named "weapon". I'm sure the dweebs who thought that one up did it because they imagined they would sound cool chatting up some girl in a bar saying "I work on weapon development."
Another example I can think of was some scumbag ticket inspectors on a tram one day. As an aside, I fucking hate ticket inspectors. And parking inspectors. Don't waste my time saying "I'm just doing my job." That defence didn't work in Nuremberg and it won't work with me. About six of these wankers were in "plainclothes" on the tram I was riding when all of a sudden they synchronised the revelation of their inspector badges they'd been concealing on a lanyard under their clothes.
I had a ticket so they couldn't hassle me but I couldn't stop laughing. It seemed like they had watched too many episodes of "Law and Order". They thought they were some sort of hardcore undercover cops the way they did it so seriously. I don't think they appreciated my mirth.
On a similar note, check out this video showing what the dickheads in my local council are up to.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Knowing when to give up
I'm open to discussing topics with somebody who has a different viewpoint. Sometimes I even enjoy a full-blooded argument. I like to think that lots of people are capable of learning and moving beyond their existing mindset. But some people are just fucked. Utterly beyond hope of redemption. I've decided it's important to know when to give up on people.
Witness the asinine display I had to put up with at work today. The substance of the disagreement isn't important, what matters is there was a disagreement. The other party was female, not something I thought was important to the argument but she seemed to find it progressively more and more important.
The argument had reached a stalemate, the discussion was going around and around, showing no signs of moving anywhere near a resolution. It hadn't become heated yet but I was detecting a bit of an edge creeping in and decided discretion was the better part of valour. In short, I didn't need this sort of shit at work and was going to let it go. This led to the following exchange:
ME: How about we agree to disagree and leave it at that.
SHE: That is such a typical thing for a man to do! Trying to shut me up in such a condescending way.
ME: How is that condescending? I'm respecting the fact you have a different opinion and I'm choosing not to force my opinion on you.
SHE: What you mean is you think I'm wrong. You think you're right and I'm wrong.
ME: Well, yeah. I think my opinion is right. Isn't that the definition of an opinion?
SHE: It's the definition of a typical arrogant male, thinking you're always right and women are always wrong.
ME: In this particular case I think I, as an individual, am right and you, as an individual, are wrong. I hadn't framed that in any gender-specific way.
SHE: Why can't you admit you're wrong.
ME: Well, you haven't convinced me I'm wrong.
SHE: I bet you don't think any of your opinions are wrong!
ME: It may surprise you to learn that I hold very few opinions that I think are wrong. How many of your opinions do you think are wrong? Why would anybody cling to an opinion that they think is wrong? That's crazy!
SHE: So now you're think I'm crazy?
ME: I didn't think that before, although I'm getting there now. (OK, I know I shouldn't have said that but at this point my mental censor had gotten sick of this crap, packed his bags and gone away.)
SHE: Why did I even think I'd be able to get you to see any sense? Men are always this way.
ME: When were you planning to talk sense? If I'm going to see any sense you'll have to show some first.
And then the shrieking started. If only I'd given up five minutes earlier I would have gone home with my eardrums intact. Lesson learned. Pick your battles people. The way these morons cluster together I've started to think their stupidity might be a contagious disease. So don't waste your time grappling with morons.
You might catch stupid.
Witness the asinine display I had to put up with at work today. The substance of the disagreement isn't important, what matters is there was a disagreement. The other party was female, not something I thought was important to the argument but she seemed to find it progressively more and more important.
The argument had reached a stalemate, the discussion was going around and around, showing no signs of moving anywhere near a resolution. It hadn't become heated yet but I was detecting a bit of an edge creeping in and decided discretion was the better part of valour. In short, I didn't need this sort of shit at work and was going to let it go. This led to the following exchange:
ME: How about we agree to disagree and leave it at that.
SHE: That is such a typical thing for a man to do! Trying to shut me up in such a condescending way.
ME: How is that condescending? I'm respecting the fact you have a different opinion and I'm choosing not to force my opinion on you.
SHE: What you mean is you think I'm wrong. You think you're right and I'm wrong.
ME: Well, yeah. I think my opinion is right. Isn't that the definition of an opinion?
SHE: It's the definition of a typical arrogant male, thinking you're always right and women are always wrong.
ME: In this particular case I think I, as an individual, am right and you, as an individual, are wrong. I hadn't framed that in any gender-specific way.
SHE: Why can't you admit you're wrong.
ME: Well, you haven't convinced me I'm wrong.
SHE: I bet you don't think any of your opinions are wrong!
ME: It may surprise you to learn that I hold very few opinions that I think are wrong. How many of your opinions do you think are wrong? Why would anybody cling to an opinion that they think is wrong? That's crazy!
SHE: So now you're think I'm crazy?
ME: I didn't think that before, although I'm getting there now. (OK, I know I shouldn't have said that but at this point my mental censor had gotten sick of this crap, packed his bags and gone away.)
SHE: Why did I even think I'd be able to get you to see any sense? Men are always this way.
ME: When were you planning to talk sense? If I'm going to see any sense you'll have to show some first.
And then the shrieking started. If only I'd given up five minutes earlier I would have gone home with my eardrums intact. Lesson learned. Pick your battles people. The way these morons cluster together I've started to think their stupidity might be a contagious disease. So don't waste your time grappling with morons.
You might catch stupid.
Sheryl Crow can shut the fuck up any time now
For a while now, I've been thinking about writing a series about people who should shut the fuck up. God knows there are enough people out there who need to have it said to them. I'm normally one to favour calm, reasoned argument (yes I am, shut up!) but sometimes it would be really cathartic to scream in someone's face: "Shut the fuck up!" So that's what I'm doing.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
Sheryl Crow can shut the fuck up any time now
For a while now, I've been thinking about writing a series about people who should shut the fuck up. God knows there are enough people out there who need to have it said to them. I'm normally one to favour calm, reasoned argument (yes I am, shut up!) but sometimes it would be really cathartic to scream in someone's face: "Shut the fuck up!" So that's what I'm doing.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
The tipping point for starting was Sheryl Crow's ridiculous and widely derided suggestion that people should be limited to one square of toilet paper when they use the toilet. Another YouTuber made a video about it and asked me to respond, asking "doesn't this make you angry?"
Hell yes it makes me angry. The idea that from now on any conversation with a global warming skeptic will have to start with five minutes of "No, I'm not saying you should be forced to only use one square of toilet paper," seriously pisses me off. I've already heard the defence that "it was just a joke," and it has no effect on how angry I am.
Guess what Sheryl? Your music is shit and your jokes are worse. Saying something that mind-numbingly stupid will haunt environmentalists and conservationists for years to come. You've provided the idiots on the right (and, to be fair, the intelligent people on the right) with bucketloads of ammunition. You're officially their new mascot.
The YouTuber I was referring to uses the name JustA11en (I think his real name is Allen). He is a conservative and a global warming skeptic. He's also intelligent and prefers well reasoned argument. He took Crow's statements at face value because there was no indication he should take them any other way. It's bad enough to give people like him such an easy target but the idiot fringe are out of control.
Rush Limbaugh is saying "But it was not a joke. This has been on the wacko environmentalist list of '50 Things to do to Save the Planet' since the late eighties" (that's a quote from his website). The fact that Limbaugh is spouting such an idiotic lie should not be a surprise (what the fuck is he even talking about? What environmentalist list?) but Crow set the standard for idiotic statements. Here's a tip for Sheryl Crow (and for anyone who isn't a comedian): use irony sparingly. Far too many people don't fucking get irony.
Stephen Colbert can do irony because he has created a finely crafted character. Anybody who isn't a complete idiot can basically pick that Colbert is essentially saying the opposite of what he truly believes most of the time. You're not Stephen Colbert. You're not even Rich Little.
Just shut the fuck up.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
No talking in toilets - video version
Well, yesterday's post seemed quite popular and I have to admit, I liked it too. So much so that I decided to do a video version of it, which I present now for your viewing pleasure.
Before the video, a quick note about the "truth" of my posts. I've mentioned before that pretty much everything I write is "inspired by a true story" as they say in Hollywood. Life is so fucked up that I rarely have to fabricate something completely. I usually change enough specifics of the story to preserve my anonymity. Sometimes I make changes to make a point more clearly. And sometimes I make changes to make the story funnier.
In yesterday's case, the sandwich incident happened pretty much exactly as I related it. The inappropriate toilet conversation did not actually happen, it was inspired by some incredibly inappropriate toilet conversations I have been subjected to in the past. I did bump into Mr Big Sandwich in the toilet and I almost made reference to the sandwich when he talked to me.
Luckily for me, my brain was unusually alert and warned me "No, don't say that! That would sound very, very bad in this environment." So I didn't say it. Then the sick part of my brain took over and thought "hey, that's actually pretty funny."
And that's how blog posts are born.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTYeTHvYbgk
Before the video, a quick note about the "truth" of my posts. I've mentioned before that pretty much everything I write is "inspired by a true story" as they say in Hollywood. Life is so fucked up that I rarely have to fabricate something completely. I usually change enough specifics of the story to preserve my anonymity. Sometimes I make changes to make a point more clearly. And sometimes I make changes to make the story funnier.
In yesterday's case, the sandwich incident happened pretty much exactly as I related it. The inappropriate toilet conversation did not actually happen, it was inspired by some incredibly inappropriate toilet conversations I have been subjected to in the past. I did bump into Mr Big Sandwich in the toilet and I almost made reference to the sandwich when he talked to me.
Luckily for me, my brain was unusually alert and warned me "No, don't say that! That would sound very, very bad in this environment." So I didn't say it. Then the sick part of my brain took over and thought "hey, that's actually pretty funny."
And that's how blog posts are born.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTYeTHvYbgk
Monday, April 23, 2007
Why I avoid conversations in the toilet
A broadly accepted rule of male toilet etiquette is "no conversations" or at least keep conversations to a minimum. The reasons behind this should be self-evident. There are situations where I have my penis in my hand and I'm comfortable having a discussion but they are usually more intimate than a public toilet.
I had an experience during lunchtime today at work that illuminated the importance of this rule yet again. Before describing the offending conversation, some background is in order:
I planned to toast a sandwich for my lunch today, using the sandwich press in the communal kitchenette. A cow-orker arrived to do the same thing with his ready-made sandwich as I was still in the process of putting my sandwich together. He was prepared to wait until I had finished but I said not to worry, the sandwich press was big enough for two sandwiches and we should do it at the same time.
My confidence was soon shown to be misplaced, however. He was using thick bread and lots of ingredients that made his sandwich twice the thickness of mine. He put his sandwich in the press and wandered off, then I compared my sandwich and realised I couldn't toast it properly - the top of the press wouldn't even touch my sandwich while his monster sandwich was in there.
I decided I might as well wait for his to finish toasting before starting mine. To pass the time I decided to avail myself of the facilities and have a slash. By coincidence, Mr Big Sandwich was in there at the same time and he chose to break the "no talking" rule.
"Great minds think alike," he says. "Toasting sandwiches at the same time and taking a leak at the same time."
"Yeah," I responded, "but I'm gonna wait for a while because yours is so big mine won't even touch the sides."
Let me just say this: no amount of explanation is every going to convince the bloke who walked in just as I uttered that sentence that the cow-orker and myself were not plotting some sordid extra-curricular activities.
So once again guys: no talking while standing at the urinal!
I had an experience during lunchtime today at work that illuminated the importance of this rule yet again. Before describing the offending conversation, some background is in order:
I planned to toast a sandwich for my lunch today, using the sandwich press in the communal kitchenette. A cow-orker arrived to do the same thing with his ready-made sandwich as I was still in the process of putting my sandwich together. He was prepared to wait until I had finished but I said not to worry, the sandwich press was big enough for two sandwiches and we should do it at the same time.
My confidence was soon shown to be misplaced, however. He was using thick bread and lots of ingredients that made his sandwich twice the thickness of mine. He put his sandwich in the press and wandered off, then I compared my sandwich and realised I couldn't toast it properly - the top of the press wouldn't even touch my sandwich while his monster sandwich was in there.
I decided I might as well wait for his to finish toasting before starting mine. To pass the time I decided to avail myself of the facilities and have a slash. By coincidence, Mr Big Sandwich was in there at the same time and he chose to break the "no talking" rule.
"Great minds think alike," he says. "Toasting sandwiches at the same time and taking a leak at the same time."
"Yeah," I responded, "but I'm gonna wait for a while because yours is so big mine won't even touch the sides."
Let me just say this: no amount of explanation is every going to convince the bloke who walked in just as I uttered that sentence that the cow-orker and myself were not plotting some sordid extra-curricular activities.
So once again guys: no talking while standing at the urinal!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
The Angry News - The Kinky Principal
I never really liked my high school principal but that's because he was a jerk. I never had to put up with anything like the principal in this story though. I haven't done an angry news bulletin in a while but this story is made exactly for me. This is the sort of story that needs to be brought to a wider audience:
News source: http://www.zwire.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=18225218&BRD=1699&PAG=461&dept_id=566374&rfi=8
News source: http://www.zwire.com/site/index.cfm?newsid=18225218&BRD=1699&PAG=461&dept_id=566374&rfi=8
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The Noisy Neighbour
I'm going to trouble you for a little insight today readers. What would you do if I was your neighbour? I don't mean that literally, as in you, yourself, knowing what I'm actually doing here. I mean pretend you'd never heard of Mr Angry then one day you heard your neighbour screaming in what sounded like an insane manner.
Most people would probably ignore this at least for a while. But what if it kept happening at semi-regular intervals? Ranting and screaming. Every now and then you could pick out what the neighbour was saying and they seemed to be wishing all sorts of violent retribution on a range of people.
Then suppose you actually asked what was going on. And the neighbour said: "Oh don't worry about that, I'm just being Mr Angry. I put on a mask and shout a lot. Then I video that and put it on the internet. Nothing to worry about."
I only ask because I suspect my shed is not particularly soundproof and my neighbours may be able to hear pretty much everything I do when I make videos. Given that one of the previous tenants was shot in my shed (not fatally and I only found out about this after moving in) the neighbours may not be too well disposed to craziness in the shed.
Fun and games.
Most people would probably ignore this at least for a while. But what if it kept happening at semi-regular intervals? Ranting and screaming. Every now and then you could pick out what the neighbour was saying and they seemed to be wishing all sorts of violent retribution on a range of people.
Then suppose you actually asked what was going on. And the neighbour said: "Oh don't worry about that, I'm just being Mr Angry. I put on a mask and shout a lot. Then I video that and put it on the internet. Nothing to worry about."
I only ask because I suspect my shed is not particularly soundproof and my neighbours may be able to hear pretty much everything I do when I make videos. Given that one of the previous tenants was shot in my shed (not fatally and I only found out about this after moving in) the neighbours may not be too well disposed to craziness in the shed.
Fun and games.
Friday, April 20, 2007
More on apologies
Or should that be moron apologies? Since writing my piece the other day I've spent a bit of time thinking about the way people apologise. One particular type of apology that has been happening a bit lately and really pisses me off is when public figures do or say something that they realise after the fact is deemed socially unacceptable. This usually takes the form of hurling racial epithets and the big examples from the last year are Mel Gibson, Michael Richards and Don Imus.
When will one of these people stick to what they say instead of backing off in a desperate attempt to cover their arse? When it's blindingly obvious that, from what they say, the celebrity in question doesn't like, say, black people... why don't they just say so? So long as they aren't actually inciting or committing violence (and admittedly this may well be the case sometimes) why can't they just say it?
"You know, I really don't like black people. They make me uncomfortable. I don't know any, I don't hang out with them and I feel like they blame me for things that aren't my fault. I don't go out of my way to hurt black people but when they get up in my face it pisses me off. I'll stop saying 'nigger' when all the rappers do."
***NOTE*** The above is not actually my opinion. I'm simply extrapolating from some people's outbursts what I suspect their true feeling are. All the same, feel free to leave some ignorant comment labelling me a racist. I enjoy laying into fuckwits.
Mel Gibson I find kinda funny because although he did the obligatory apologies at first for his bizarre, drunken anti-semitic rant, in more recent interviews he's essentially said "I've already apologised for that. Get over it, what's your problem?" And, despite the fact that the bizarre rantings of his father and the church he belongs to tend to support charges of anti-semitism, I tend to think that blaming Jews for your drinking problems points more to insanity than simple Jew-baiting.
Michael Richards I find more pathetic than anything. He was clearly out of his depth and in his stress and frustration he lashed out in a rather vile way. I suspect he's no more racist than the average white person prone to muttering "stupid nigger" in traffic but his public grovelling made me feel more than a little sick. A slightly more honest response would have been:
"Those guys were really obnoxious and were ruining my act. They weren't respecting me as a performer and I didn't feel like respecting them as people. I knew I had the power position and I could really hurt them by calling them niggers. I didn't think it through and I lashed out, now I'm gonna pay for that and I probably deserve to. I tried to turn it around into a Lenny Bruce thing but I couldn't get it together. I don't think I'm a bad person and I don't have a problem with black people but if people don't want to forgive me for fucking up then I guess I'm screwed."
Don Imus just flat out pisses me off. This fucking blowhard was doing what he always does and comes out with a pathetic "I said a bad thing but I'm not a bad person." He's free to think and say whatever he wants but when he's employed by someone else they're free to sack him. He's a long way from being the worst of the shock jocks but from what I've read he should have been sacked earlier. Some right wing conspiracists actually believe he's the canary in the coalmine - with his scalp taken the dreaded liberal conspiracy will go after some of the seriously big right wing names. We can only hope.
Anyone who's been paying attention to my writing would know I don't advocate the banning any type of speech but Imus was in the commercial marketplace - that's what led to his downfall. Whether or not his employers were truly morally outraged by what Imus said, advertisers were pulling the plug so Imus had to go. I have to seriously doubt that the broadcasters themselves were troubled by what Imus said - isn't that the sort of shit he's expected to do?
Of course it may be that I'm simply deeply cynical. The fact that I see their "apologies" as nothing more than a desperate attempt to protect their commercial interests could be a reflection on me more than them.
Maybe I should apologise.
When will one of these people stick to what they say instead of backing off in a desperate attempt to cover their arse? When it's blindingly obvious that, from what they say, the celebrity in question doesn't like, say, black people... why don't they just say so? So long as they aren't actually inciting or committing violence (and admittedly this may well be the case sometimes) why can't they just say it?
"You know, I really don't like black people. They make me uncomfortable. I don't know any, I don't hang out with them and I feel like they blame me for things that aren't my fault. I don't go out of my way to hurt black people but when they get up in my face it pisses me off. I'll stop saying 'nigger' when all the rappers do."
***NOTE*** The above is not actually my opinion. I'm simply extrapolating from some people's outbursts what I suspect their true feeling are. All the same, feel free to leave some ignorant comment labelling me a racist. I enjoy laying into fuckwits.
Mel Gibson I find kinda funny because although he did the obligatory apologies at first for his bizarre, drunken anti-semitic rant, in more recent interviews he's essentially said "I've already apologised for that. Get over it, what's your problem?" And, despite the fact that the bizarre rantings of his father and the church he belongs to tend to support charges of anti-semitism, I tend to think that blaming Jews for your drinking problems points more to insanity than simple Jew-baiting.
Michael Richards I find more pathetic than anything. He was clearly out of his depth and in his stress and frustration he lashed out in a rather vile way. I suspect he's no more racist than the average white person prone to muttering "stupid nigger" in traffic but his public grovelling made me feel more than a little sick. A slightly more honest response would have been:
"Those guys were really obnoxious and were ruining my act. They weren't respecting me as a performer and I didn't feel like respecting them as people. I knew I had the power position and I could really hurt them by calling them niggers. I didn't think it through and I lashed out, now I'm gonna pay for that and I probably deserve to. I tried to turn it around into a Lenny Bruce thing but I couldn't get it together. I don't think I'm a bad person and I don't have a problem with black people but if people don't want to forgive me for fucking up then I guess I'm screwed."
Don Imus just flat out pisses me off. This fucking blowhard was doing what he always does and comes out with a pathetic "I said a bad thing but I'm not a bad person." He's free to think and say whatever he wants but when he's employed by someone else they're free to sack him. He's a long way from being the worst of the shock jocks but from what I've read he should have been sacked earlier. Some right wing conspiracists actually believe he's the canary in the coalmine - with his scalp taken the dreaded liberal conspiracy will go after some of the seriously big right wing names. We can only hope.
Anyone who's been paying attention to my writing would know I don't advocate the banning any type of speech but Imus was in the commercial marketplace - that's what led to his downfall. Whether or not his employers were truly morally outraged by what Imus said, advertisers were pulling the plug so Imus had to go. I have to seriously doubt that the broadcasters themselves were troubled by what Imus said - isn't that the sort of shit he's expected to do?
Of course it may be that I'm simply deeply cynical. The fact that I see their "apologies" as nothing more than a desperate attempt to protect their commercial interests could be a reflection on me more than them.
Maybe I should apologise.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
300
Mr Angry presents for your viewing pleasure that blood-soaked, digitally enhanced, homoerotic fantasy spectacle inspired by the legends of Ancient Greece. Oh wait... that's the other 300. This is my 300th video on YouTube.
This is the condensed version of what I've been doing since around Christmas: videos 200-299. Even though it's condensed be warned, it still runs for 18 minutes. It's an interesting insight into how many different ways I can say "fuck". Yes, my juvenile sense of humour compelled me to include swearing in the majority of the 5-10 second grabs you'll see in this compilation. Enjoy.
This is the condensed version of what I've been doing since around Christmas: videos 200-299. Even though it's condensed be warned, it still runs for 18 minutes. It's an interesting insight into how many different ways I can say "fuck". Yes, my juvenile sense of humour compelled me to include swearing in the majority of the 5-10 second grabs you'll see in this compilation. Enjoy.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
We don't apologise
My friend Adrian and I have a rule: we don't apologise. It helps that we're actually pretty unlikely to do anything serious enough to warrant an apology but some people feel compelled to apologise profusely over trivial things. Our rule was born out of an incident where we were supposed to arrange to catch up but both of us were overtaken by events and got too busy to follow it up.
Lo and behold, a month passed without us getting in contact. When we finally did catch up we did start out with a little awkward conversation:
"Wow, we suck at following through, don't we?"
"Yeah, we're bastards."
Then we put it behind it and said fuck it, let's not waste time apologising. In case you're thinking that's me being a heartless bastard again, those were actually Adrian's words. It's actually remarkably therapeutic - knowing you don't have to dwell on things and can focus on what's ahead rather than what's past.
Like I said, I think the success of this approach is predicated on a level of trust that nothing too horrible is going to happen and I don't think it's applicable to all situations. For instance, I wouldn't try this approach with a lover - the boundaries are different and there's a different level of intimacy so when you screw up an apology is often called for.
But I really get pissed off at people who apologise all the time. Particularly when it's done as a reflex and they're actually not all that sorry about it or at least they don't plan to expend much energy making sure it doesn't happen again. They start pouring out their overdone apology as a reflex and they expect me to say "that's all right" as a reflex. And you know what? Often it really isn't all right. What I really want to say is:
"That happened because you're a fuckwit. If you spent less time apologising and more time working on not being a fuckwit, then you'd have less to apologise for."
I like to be helpful like that.
Lo and behold, a month passed without us getting in contact. When we finally did catch up we did start out with a little awkward conversation:
"Wow, we suck at following through, don't we?"
"Yeah, we're bastards."
Then we put it behind it and said fuck it, let's not waste time apologising. In case you're thinking that's me being a heartless bastard again, those were actually Adrian's words. It's actually remarkably therapeutic - knowing you don't have to dwell on things and can focus on what's ahead rather than what's past.
Like I said, I think the success of this approach is predicated on a level of trust that nothing too horrible is going to happen and I don't think it's applicable to all situations. For instance, I wouldn't try this approach with a lover - the boundaries are different and there's a different level of intimacy so when you screw up an apology is often called for.
But I really get pissed off at people who apologise all the time. Particularly when it's done as a reflex and they're actually not all that sorry about it or at least they don't plan to expend much energy making sure it doesn't happen again. They start pouring out their overdone apology as a reflex and they expect me to say "that's all right" as a reflex. And you know what? Often it really isn't all right. What I really want to say is:
"That happened because you're a fuckwit. If you spent less time apologising and more time working on not being a fuckwit, then you'd have less to apologise for."
I like to be helpful like that.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Final Connection
I got the final connection in my new home this morning - the bright and shining cable that brings me Pay TV (hurrah! I can watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report tonight!) and high speed internet access. Now I might actually get around to connecting my PC.
My first goal if all goes well is to finish editing my 300th YouTube video. Yes, you heard that right, I am so devoid of a life that I have actually used a significant chunk of the last year to create 300 original videos for YouTube. I've posted somewhere in the region of 200 of these to this blog which makes for a decent chunk of the 500 posts over the last year. My god, 500 blog posts and 300 videos. For no good reason. It isn't as if I get paid for it.
Actually, that isn't strictly true. I've been paid (and I assume I'm going to continue to be paid) for doing stuff for The Fizz on DirecTV and that never would have happened without YouTube. So who knows? Maybe there's more return than the shallow gratification my ego gets from knowing that people are watching my ridiculous shenanigans (closing in on half a million video views) and a significant proportion of those people are enjoying what I do.
The 300th video will be similar to the ones I did at the 100 and 200 milestones - a short grab of each of the videos from the past 100. I've already done about 70% of the editing so I'm hoping to post it in the next day or so. I have fun seeing how many swears I can fit into the compilation (believe it or not, I don't swear in every video). Hopefully you'll have fun watching it.
My first goal if all goes well is to finish editing my 300th YouTube video. Yes, you heard that right, I am so devoid of a life that I have actually used a significant chunk of the last year to create 300 original videos for YouTube. I've posted somewhere in the region of 200 of these to this blog which makes for a decent chunk of the 500 posts over the last year. My god, 500 blog posts and 300 videos. For no good reason. It isn't as if I get paid for it.
Actually, that isn't strictly true. I've been paid (and I assume I'm going to continue to be paid) for doing stuff for The Fizz on DirecTV and that never would have happened without YouTube. So who knows? Maybe there's more return than the shallow gratification my ego gets from knowing that people are watching my ridiculous shenanigans (closing in on half a million video views) and a significant proportion of those people are enjoying what I do.
The 300th video will be similar to the ones I did at the 100 and 200 milestones - a short grab of each of the videos from the past 100. I've already done about 70% of the editing so I'm hoping to post it in the next day or so. I have fun seeing how many swears I can fit into the compilation (believe it or not, I don't swear in every video). Hopefully you'll have fun watching it.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Time And Relative Dimensions In Moving House
The title of this post is a little joke for Doctor Who fans. The Doctor's primary form of transport is the TARDIS which stands for Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. The dimensions of time and space don't follow expected rules with the TARDIS - it's able to travel through time and it's bigger on the inside than it appears on the outside.
Anyone who has moved house will see where I'm going with this. The normal rules of time and space do not apply when you are moving house:
And how is it, that even though I'm moving from a smaller place into a bigger place, it seems like all the crap is never going to fit into the new place? It's all finally in now but it's piled up all over the house. And I want to put it in order but that's hard to do because the furniture and storage units aren't in their proper places but you can't put the furniture in the right places because of all the goddam boxes!
The only possible answer is that the cosmos itself is against me! The very laws of times and space are being twisted just to screw up my life.
Anyone who has moved house will see where I'm going with this. The normal rules of time and space do not apply when you are moving house:
- Every time you think "this will take about another hour" you'll be lucky if you're done in six hours.
- Every time you think you have enough boxes it will turn out that you have less than half the number you need.
- And every time you think "this is the last load of stuff I need to cart around to the new place" there will be more fucking stuff that you missed.
And how is it, that even though I'm moving from a smaller place into a bigger place, it seems like all the crap is never going to fit into the new place? It's all finally in now but it's piled up all over the house. And I want to put it in order but that's hard to do because the furniture and storage units aren't in their proper places but you can't put the furniture in the right places because of all the goddam boxes!
The only possible answer is that the cosmos itself is against me! The very laws of times and space are being twisted just to screw up my life.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Black Friday
It's Black Friday and some luck has finally gone my way - I have electricity in my new house. I won't actually have internet at home until next week so you may not hear much from me this weekend.
Until that's all sorted out, here's a quick Friday th 13th video. I'm not particularly superstitious, but I happen to be in possession of a tie that seems to have dark powers...
Until that's all sorted out, here's a quick Friday th 13th video. I'm not particularly superstitious, but I happen to be in possession of a tie that seems to have dark powers...
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Testing the air
Strange goings-on afoot at work today. There's this weird little device chugging away making a noise that sounds sort of like the air filter in a fish tank. There's a sign attached saying it's testing air quality so I guess it does kinda work like a fish tank air filter. This is probably linked to pretty much everyone in the department getting sick recently.
I'm the sort of person who actually feels less secure when he sees overt security measures in place. There's a major Synagogue near my place that employs security that look like CIA spooks (I like to call them "Jews on patrol" - not to their faces). They look the real deal: suits, earpieces, talking into their sleeves.
Some people would look at them and say "phew, these fine lads and ladies will keep us safe." I look at them and think "holy fuck! Has there been a bomb threat or something? Why the fuck are these guys out in the street?"
So when I see something testing the air, I don't think "I'm glad they're looking after us. I think "Oh shit, I'm going to die - we're obviously being poisoned."
Actually the really cynical side of me thinks the sensor will be deliberately set to produce a favourable reading so they can tell us all to stop being hypochondriacs and get back to work. So I have a plan. I'm going to get my sickest cow-orker to cough gobs of phlegm straight into the sensor. That should overload it and make it look like we're having an outbreak of bubonic plague.
I'm expecting the health department to shroud the whole building in plastic sheeting any second now.
I'm the sort of person who actually feels less secure when he sees overt security measures in place. There's a major Synagogue near my place that employs security that look like CIA spooks (I like to call them "Jews on patrol" - not to their faces). They look the real deal: suits, earpieces, talking into their sleeves.
Some people would look at them and say "phew, these fine lads and ladies will keep us safe." I look at them and think "holy fuck! Has there been a bomb threat or something? Why the fuck are these guys out in the street?"
So when I see something testing the air, I don't think "I'm glad they're looking after us. I think "Oh shit, I'm going to die - we're obviously being poisoned."
Actually the really cynical side of me thinks the sensor will be deliberately set to produce a favourable reading so they can tell us all to stop being hypochondriacs and get back to work. So I have a plan. I'm going to get my sickest cow-orker to cough gobs of phlegm straight into the sensor. That should overload it and make it look like we're having an outbreak of bubonic plague.
I'm expecting the health department to shroud the whole building in plastic sheeting any second now.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Moving is bullshit
My house move enters its final phase tomorrow with my girlfriend's stuff being moved into the new house and electricity (theoretically) being connected so we can actually live in the new house. The electricity connection remains a theoretical possibility because the bastards were meant to connect it last Thursday but didn't do it. And they didn't do anything helpful like tell us they didn't do it - we had to find that out for ourselves.
At the start of a four day weekend.
What a wonderful surprise that was. And the rat bastards responsible for it weren't answering their phones until Tuesday. The emergency number wouldn't do anything about it because they handle emergencies not connections. And they really didn't care how much my life had been fucked up. And I wasn't surprised on Tuesday morning when the connection company didn't give a shit and blamed it on me.
The whole setup is made harder because the electricity supply is broken up into "wholesalers" and "retailers". Only a retailer can book your connection but only a wholesaler can actually make the connection. This cosy little setup lets the fuckers blame each other when they fuck things up.
The same bullshit happened with my cable connection for internet and pay TV. Responsibility for this is divided between Telstra (phone/internet company) and Foxtel (pay TV). So when I want it switched off at one place and switched on in another they say this required a tech to visit which means a two week delay and a $100 fee.
I point out this is bullshit because the cable connection is active by default, they just have to start the connection and billing remotely. I know this because I've been through this before and all the fucking tech did was plug a fucking cable into a fucking socket in the fucking wall. I might be slightly dim but even I can manage that alone. What was the response to my complaint?
Telstra: That's a Foxtel policy, we can't do anything about it.
Foxtel: That's a Telstra policy, we can't do anything about it.
These fuckers think they have plausible deniability and when you call them out on it they simply repeat stock phrases from scripts and refuse to actually respond to what you're saying. When the dust settles on this move I have an active letter-writing campaign planned. The evil sacks of shit will ignore the letters of course but I'll feel better for writing them and getting it out of my system. I just need to find some heat resistant paper so the letters won't burst into flames as I compose them.
At the start of a four day weekend.
What a wonderful surprise that was. And the rat bastards responsible for it weren't answering their phones until Tuesday. The emergency number wouldn't do anything about it because they handle emergencies not connections. And they really didn't care how much my life had been fucked up. And I wasn't surprised on Tuesday morning when the connection company didn't give a shit and blamed it on me.
The whole setup is made harder because the electricity supply is broken up into "wholesalers" and "retailers". Only a retailer can book your connection but only a wholesaler can actually make the connection. This cosy little setup lets the fuckers blame each other when they fuck things up.
The same bullshit happened with my cable connection for internet and pay TV. Responsibility for this is divided between Telstra (phone/internet company) and Foxtel (pay TV). So when I want it switched off at one place and switched on in another they say this required a tech to visit which means a two week delay and a $100 fee.
I point out this is bullshit because the cable connection is active by default, they just have to start the connection and billing remotely. I know this because I've been through this before and all the fucking tech did was plug a fucking cable into a fucking socket in the fucking wall. I might be slightly dim but even I can manage that alone. What was the response to my complaint?
Telstra: That's a Foxtel policy, we can't do anything about it.
Foxtel: That's a Telstra policy, we can't do anything about it.
These fuckers think they have plausible deniability and when you call them out on it they simply repeat stock phrases from scripts and refuse to actually respond to what you're saying. When the dust settles on this move I have an active letter-writing campaign planned. The evil sacks of shit will ignore the letters of course but I'll feel better for writing them and getting it out of my system. I just need to find some heat resistant paper so the letters won't burst into flames as I compose them.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The best shows at the 2007 Melbourne Comedy Festival
While nominating anything as the "best" is subjective by nature, and therefore horribly inaccurate, here are my recommendations for this year's Melbourne International Comedy Festival. While I'm in disclaimer mode, I'll add another point: it's obvious that I can't know about all of the hundreds of shows in the festival so if any diamond in the rough feels unfairly slighted by being left off my "best of" feel free to contact me and try and convince me why you are best in show.
Also, the big names don't need my endorsement (their shows are probably sold out anyway) so I'm mentioning acts more in the "up and coming mode". Mind you, if anyone famous sent me free tickets I'd plug their show. I'm a shameless whore.
Danny McGinlay - Star Spangled Bender
Previously featured on this blog (click on the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab at the top of this page to see the videos), Danny is premiering his new show at this year's festival. Armed with his copy of "U.S. History for Dummies" and his own experiences travelling the USA, Danny explores 500 years of history in an attempt to answer such unanswerable questions as "how does that same country that votes for George W Bush give us the Simpsons?" Go along and try to stump him - he's not just funny, he's encyclopaedic. (at the Stork Hotel in 504 Elizabeth St, Melbourne)
Dave Bushell - Dirt, War... & why I don't eat the fishies
This man breathes history. In his new show, Dave outs members of his own family as actual Nazis, implicates himself in Princess Diana's death and admits he probably has mad cow disease. Dave was nominated for Best Newcomer in the 2006 Festival and his show at last years Fringe Festival was also a huge success. Check him out in the videos section as well. (at Forty Five Downstairs, 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne)
Dave Thornton - Euromission
I had intended to get some video features from Dave as well but never got around to it. I did however check out his show in last year's festival and he was bloody hilarious. His show this year is based on his European odyssey where he visited every country that had won the Eurovision Song Contest title. How could he possibly fail? (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Miss Rochelle's School for Very Naughty Girls
OK, the title says it all. If that doesn't hook you in, I don't know what will. Seriously, go check out the video with Benn Harrison under the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab - Miss Rochelle is a force to be reckoned with. An improvised show (and isn't it always fun to watch performers risking life and limb by improvising?) with a new mystery every night this is definitely a one of a kind show. And it promises lots of hot hockey action! (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Richard McKenzie - In Mint Condition
I've got a soft spot for someone who builds their show around all the things that make up nerd life. Richard explores comics, movies, role-playing, online worlds and more. So put on your favourite Star Wars tee, grab your 20 sided die and maybe even get a taste of Richard's humour first by checking out the videos previously featured on this blog. (at the Portland Hotel, 115 Russel St, Melbourne)
Sammy J - Cyclone
I haven't featured any videos with Sammy on this blog although I did blog about his show during last year's festival. My girlfriend and I decided to check out his show after bumping into him handing out flyers on the street (we decided to reward his hard work) and we weren't disappointed. Sammy won "Best Newcomer" last year so we weren't the only ones who thought he was funny. Cyclones don't hit Melbourne very often so this is a special event. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
Tommy Dassalo - The Third Guy
Everybody remembers that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and most people know that Buzz Aldrin was second but who remembers the third guy on that mission? Tommy brings history's forgotten faces to life and furthers his own quest to avoid being a forgotten third guy himself in his new show. Tommy is widely touted to be huge one day so see him now (actually, right now - go look at the videos on the feature page) while he's still medium sized. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
So that's my recommendations for now. With all the chaos of moving house I probably won't get to see as many shows as I'd like but if I hear of any more gems I'll let you know.
Also, the big names don't need my endorsement (their shows are probably sold out anyway) so I'm mentioning acts more in the "up and coming mode". Mind you, if anyone famous sent me free tickets I'd plug their show. I'm a shameless whore.
Danny McGinlay - Star Spangled Bender
Previously featured on this blog (click on the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab at the top of this page to see the videos), Danny is premiering his new show at this year's festival. Armed with his copy of "U.S. History for Dummies" and his own experiences travelling the USA, Danny explores 500 years of history in an attempt to answer such unanswerable questions as "how does that same country that votes for George W Bush give us the Simpsons?" Go along and try to stump him - he's not just funny, he's encyclopaedic. (at the Stork Hotel in 504 Elizabeth St, Melbourne)
Dave Bushell - Dirt, War... & why I don't eat the fishies
This man breathes history. In his new show, Dave outs members of his own family as actual Nazis, implicates himself in Princess Diana's death and admits he probably has mad cow disease. Dave was nominated for Best Newcomer in the 2006 Festival and his show at last years Fringe Festival was also a huge success. Check him out in the videos section as well. (at Forty Five Downstairs, 45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne)
Dave Thornton - Euromission
I had intended to get some video features from Dave as well but never got around to it. I did however check out his show in last year's festival and he was bloody hilarious. His show this year is based on his European odyssey where he visited every country that had won the Eurovision Song Contest title. How could he possibly fail? (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Miss Rochelle's School for Very Naughty Girls
OK, the title says it all. If that doesn't hook you in, I don't know what will. Seriously, go check out the video with Benn Harrison under the "Melbourne Comedy Festival" tab - Miss Rochelle is a force to be reckoned with. An improvised show (and isn't it always fun to watch performers risking life and limb by improvising?) with a new mystery every night this is definitely a one of a kind show. And it promises lots of hot hockey action! (at Trades Hall, 54 Victoria St, Carlton South)
Richard McKenzie - In Mint Condition
I've got a soft spot for someone who builds their show around all the things that make up nerd life. Richard explores comics, movies, role-playing, online worlds and more. So put on your favourite Star Wars tee, grab your 20 sided die and maybe even get a taste of Richard's humour first by checking out the videos previously featured on this blog. (at the Portland Hotel, 115 Russel St, Melbourne)
Sammy J - Cyclone
I haven't featured any videos with Sammy on this blog although I did blog about his show during last year's festival. My girlfriend and I decided to check out his show after bumping into him handing out flyers on the street (we decided to reward his hard work) and we weren't disappointed. Sammy won "Best Newcomer" last year so we weren't the only ones who thought he was funny. Cyclones don't hit Melbourne very often so this is a special event. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
Tommy Dassalo - The Third Guy
Everybody remembers that Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon and most people know that Buzz Aldrin was second but who remembers the third guy on that mission? Tommy brings history's forgotten faces to life and furthers his own quest to avoid being a forgotten third guy himself in his new show. Tommy is widely touted to be huge one day so see him now (actually, right now - go look at the videos on the feature page) while he's still medium sized. (at Melbourne Town Hall, cnr Swanston & Collins Streets)
So that's my recommendations for now. With all the chaos of moving house I probably won't get to see as many shows as I'd like but if I hear of any more gems I'll let you know.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Things you don't want to hear...
... as you move into your new house:
The neighbour practicing the drums. Heavy metal style. Loudly. And badly.
Faaaaaaarrrrrrrrrk!
The neighbour practicing the drums. Heavy metal style. Loudly. And badly.
Faaaaaaarrrrrrrrrk!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
My mood
Allow me to sum up my current mood and indeed my whole life at the moment with three words:
Moving. Fucking. Sucks.
Moving. Fucking. Sucks.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Laughter Therapy
I don't know about you but my stress levels are fairly high lately. But rather than sit back and let my brain explode I decided to get some therapy. I'm too cheap and lazy to actually go out and get any professional therapy so I decided to take matters into my own hands. This video shows my cure-all for a bad mood - laughter therapy with my kids:
I recommend keeping this link handy for when you need therapy. Maybe even forward it to anyone you know who needs help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkuABH3vcM4
I recommend keeping this link handy for when you need therapy. Maybe even forward it to anyone you know who needs help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkuABH3vcM4
Thursday, April 05, 2007
The Angry Pedestrian
I've sounded off several times in the past at things stupid pedestrians do to make me angry but of course I'm often a pedestrian and there are many stupid things people do to me in this circumstance that make me angry as well. First and foremost are dickheads who apply "the rule of tonnage" to pedestrians. Namely, "I'm bigger than you and made of metal so you'd best watch the fuck out."
The fact that pedestrians are squishy and vehicles are hard has resulted in all sorts of laws and protocols that attempt to provide some sort of balance. These include things like footpaths, pedestrian crossings and crossing lights. None of which are a guaranteed protection against some of the fuckwits out there. The most extreme examples that I have personally been subjected to include:
Being with someone who was hit by a bus while he was standing on the footpath. As large buses come into stops they tend to "swing" in at an angle which results in their front end crossing well onto the footpath. This happened to my friend - he was completely on the footpath (not leaning out onto the road as some dickheads tend to) but he had his back to the bus so he didn't know what it was doing.
The fucking bus driver, on the other hand, was looking straight at him. The driver didn't stop despite the fact he was heading straight at a pedestrian. He didn't slow down. He didn't change trajectory. He didn't even beep his fucking horn in warning. And the prick acted like he'd done nothing wrong when my friend accosted him.
Luckily, all my friend received in this case was a shock and a bruise but there was a case in Sydney when a bus did this at speed and hit a semi-famous soap star and sent her flying through the air. She was knocked out when she hit a wall but more through good luck than good management she didn't suffer any permanent injury.
Another instance I recall is when a dickhead bike courier nearly took me out while I was on a footpath. The spandex-clad moron came barrelling around a corner on a crowded footpath and missed me by a few millimetres. It's unlikely he would have killed me but it would have hurt like hell. By the way, I don't know about where you live, but here you aren't allowed to ride bikes on the footpath. So, beyond being a dick, he was breaking the law.
In my shock I uttered a fairly quiet "fucking moron!" Spandex boy took offence at that, stopped his bike and leaned threateningly towards me saying "What did you say?" Now, I really fucking hate bike couriers, they're such ponces. In Sydney they tended to hang around in groups, clearly thinking they're cool and above mere mortals. I always wanted to yell at them "It's a fucking job, not a sub-culture you knuckle-dragging wankers!"
Anyway, one thing working as a bike courier tend to do for you is give you pretty impressive muscle tone. This guy was taller than me (not hard - I'm a shortarse) and had way more body mass. He knew he had these advantages and was trying to exploit them to the max. But I was really pissed off. I literally screamed in his face "I said you're a fucking moron! This is the footpath you ignorant prick, I hope you get taken out by a truck at the next intersection!" This scored some laughs from the other pedestrians and made the dickhead back off. And it sure as hell made me feel better.
One more story, this one about a pedestrian crossing. I have people tell me they deliberately don't look at cars when they're crossing a road where they have right of way. They think this puts all the responsibility on the driver. Maybe it does but most car drivers don't give a shit about you. I do the exact opposite - I stare right into the car driver's eyes so they can't pretend they don't see me. This also gives me a pretty clear indication if they're not going to stop and I have to jump out of the way.
In one case, I was crossing a fairly narrow road in a suburban shopping street. Their was one none-too-generous lane in each direction, cars parked on both sides, lots of people and a speed limit of 50km/h. Not the sort of place you expect some dickhead to come speeding down the road. So when I saw I guy thundering down the road at around 75-80km/h in his V-8 tiny penis compensator straight at the pedestrian crossing I watched him very closely.
I kept expecting him to stop and he kept not stopping. I had only taken about three steps which put me right in front of him and he was only a short distance away and still not slowing down. At the last second I jumped out of the way (literally) and he chose the same moment to slam on the brakes, creating a cloud of smoke and drawing quite a lot of attention to himself.
So I got back to my feet and started walking again. This fuckwit had the nerve to the try and make it my fault. He said something out the window along the lines of "You're supposed to look before you cross the road." That was it. I snapped. I stopped and seeing as the wanker had his window open to impart his wisdom to me, I took the opportunity to impart straight back at him. At the top of my lungs.
"I was looking you fuckwit, that's how I avoided being run over! This is a fucking pedestrian crossing! I don't wait for you, you wait for me. Not running over pedestrians is not an option that you get to decide on a fucking whim! And there's a speed limit here as well! Just shut the fuck up and piss off before I call a cop!"
It's amazing how good I felt after that. Sometimes it's the little things that can brighten you whole day.
The fact that pedestrians are squishy and vehicles are hard has resulted in all sorts of laws and protocols that attempt to provide some sort of balance. These include things like footpaths, pedestrian crossings and crossing lights. None of which are a guaranteed protection against some of the fuckwits out there. The most extreme examples that I have personally been subjected to include:
Being with someone who was hit by a bus while he was standing on the footpath. As large buses come into stops they tend to "swing" in at an angle which results in their front end crossing well onto the footpath. This happened to my friend - he was completely on the footpath (not leaning out onto the road as some dickheads tend to) but he had his back to the bus so he didn't know what it was doing.
The fucking bus driver, on the other hand, was looking straight at him. The driver didn't stop despite the fact he was heading straight at a pedestrian. He didn't slow down. He didn't change trajectory. He didn't even beep his fucking horn in warning. And the prick acted like he'd done nothing wrong when my friend accosted him.
Luckily, all my friend received in this case was a shock and a bruise but there was a case in Sydney when a bus did this at speed and hit a semi-famous soap star and sent her flying through the air. She was knocked out when she hit a wall but more through good luck than good management she didn't suffer any permanent injury.
Another instance I recall is when a dickhead bike courier nearly took me out while I was on a footpath. The spandex-clad moron came barrelling around a corner on a crowded footpath and missed me by a few millimetres. It's unlikely he would have killed me but it would have hurt like hell. By the way, I don't know about where you live, but here you aren't allowed to ride bikes on the footpath. So, beyond being a dick, he was breaking the law.
In my shock I uttered a fairly quiet "fucking moron!" Spandex boy took offence at that, stopped his bike and leaned threateningly towards me saying "What did you say?" Now, I really fucking hate bike couriers, they're such ponces. In Sydney they tended to hang around in groups, clearly thinking they're cool and above mere mortals. I always wanted to yell at them "It's a fucking job, not a sub-culture you knuckle-dragging wankers!"
Anyway, one thing working as a bike courier tend to do for you is give you pretty impressive muscle tone. This guy was taller than me (not hard - I'm a shortarse) and had way more body mass. He knew he had these advantages and was trying to exploit them to the max. But I was really pissed off. I literally screamed in his face "I said you're a fucking moron! This is the footpath you ignorant prick, I hope you get taken out by a truck at the next intersection!" This scored some laughs from the other pedestrians and made the dickhead back off. And it sure as hell made me feel better.
One more story, this one about a pedestrian crossing. I have people tell me they deliberately don't look at cars when they're crossing a road where they have right of way. They think this puts all the responsibility on the driver. Maybe it does but most car drivers don't give a shit about you. I do the exact opposite - I stare right into the car driver's eyes so they can't pretend they don't see me. This also gives me a pretty clear indication if they're not going to stop and I have to jump out of the way.
In one case, I was crossing a fairly narrow road in a suburban shopping street. Their was one none-too-generous lane in each direction, cars parked on both sides, lots of people and a speed limit of 50km/h. Not the sort of place you expect some dickhead to come speeding down the road. So when I saw I guy thundering down the road at around 75-80km/h in his V-8 tiny penis compensator straight at the pedestrian crossing I watched him very closely.
I kept expecting him to stop and he kept not stopping. I had only taken about three steps which put me right in front of him and he was only a short distance away and still not slowing down. At the last second I jumped out of the way (literally) and he chose the same moment to slam on the brakes, creating a cloud of smoke and drawing quite a lot of attention to himself.
So I got back to my feet and started walking again. This fuckwit had the nerve to the try and make it my fault. He said something out the window along the lines of "You're supposed to look before you cross the road." That was it. I snapped. I stopped and seeing as the wanker had his window open to impart his wisdom to me, I took the opportunity to impart straight back at him. At the top of my lungs.
"I was looking you fuckwit, that's how I avoided being run over! This is a fucking pedestrian crossing! I don't wait for you, you wait for me. Not running over pedestrians is not an option that you get to decide on a fucking whim! And there's a speed limit here as well! Just shut the fuck up and piss off before I call a cop!"
It's amazing how good I felt after that. Sometimes it's the little things that can brighten you whole day.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Things I almost did for April Fool's Day
I had a few ideas for April Fool's day that I didn't go with. The first was that I was going to drop the Mr Angry persona in favour of becoming Mr Serious. Mr Serious would take everything seriously. Far too seriously.
Mr Serious would take issues that were either utterly inconsequential or obviously jokes and treat them as if they were the most serious issue in the history of humanity. The one goal in life for Mr Serious would be to convince the world how serious everything was. Except serious issues. He wouldn't touch those.
I didn't do Mr Serious as an April Fool's joke because I might actually do that character for real.
Another thing I though of doing for April Fool's was the following video saying I was doing an ad for a bank. I didn't do it on April Fool's Day because I was too goddam lazy. I did get around to doing it the day after - I hope you like it.
Mr Serious would take issues that were either utterly inconsequential or obviously jokes and treat them as if they were the most serious issue in the history of humanity. The one goal in life for Mr Serious would be to convince the world how serious everything was. Except serious issues. He wouldn't touch those.
I didn't do Mr Serious as an April Fool's joke because I might actually do that character for real.
Another thing I though of doing for April Fool's was the following video saying I was doing an ad for a bank. I didn't do it on April Fool's Day because I was too goddam lazy. I did get around to doing it the day after - I hope you like it.
Monday, April 02, 2007
Still Angry After All These Years
Just to show that yesterday's post was an April Fool's joke (apart from the stuff about milestones - that was true) WHY THE FUCK DO SOME PEOPLE BRAKE AS THEY APPROACH GREEN LIGHTS? Some people hate drunk drivers. Some people hate fast drivers. Some people hate slow drivers. I just really fucking hate stupid drivers.
I can think of two frames of mind that could contribute to someone braking as they approach a green light. One would simply be when they are too fucking stupid to remember that green means go (this is actually the camp that I suspect most stupid drivers belong to). The second option would be that they think "Hmmm, that's been green for a while. It might change before I get there and I don't want to have to jam on the brakes at the last second. I should start slowing down now and see if it goes red."
If this is the case with you, may I suggest the following: fucking deal with it already! I'm no fan of the people who speed through orange lights (or worse yet, red lights) but braking while the light is green is stupid. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy: of course the fucking light will change if you slow down enough. Here's what the different colours actually mean:
GREEN: Go. How simple is that? Just. Fucking. Go.
ORANGE: If you can stop without slamming on the brakes then do so. If the light turns orange just as you reach it, it's perfectly acceptable to go through. You don't have to jam on the brakes and you don't have to slow down while the light is still green.
RED: Stop. Not speed through because "it only just turned red." Not go through because you're impatient or you're frustrated with how many times you've been stopped in traffic. It's pretty bloody simple really.
Having to go to work sucks. Having to drive sucks even more. Having to deal with flat-out stupid people in traffic raises the whole thing to a new level of sucktasticness. I'm in a nostalgic mood still thinking about my past year of posts. To go back to one of my early outcries: what the hell is wrong with you people?
I can think of two frames of mind that could contribute to someone braking as they approach a green light. One would simply be when they are too fucking stupid to remember that green means go (this is actually the camp that I suspect most stupid drivers belong to). The second option would be that they think "Hmmm, that's been green for a while. It might change before I get there and I don't want to have to jam on the brakes at the last second. I should start slowing down now and see if it goes red."
If this is the case with you, may I suggest the following: fucking deal with it already! I'm no fan of the people who speed through orange lights (or worse yet, red lights) but braking while the light is green is stupid. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy: of course the fucking light will change if you slow down enough. Here's what the different colours actually mean:
GREEN: Go. How simple is that? Just. Fucking. Go.
ORANGE: If you can stop without slamming on the brakes then do so. If the light turns orange just as you reach it, it's perfectly acceptable to go through. You don't have to jam on the brakes and you don't have to slow down while the light is still green.
RED: Stop. Not speed through because "it only just turned red." Not go through because you're impatient or you're frustrated with how many times you've been stopped in traffic. It's pretty bloody simple really.
Having to go to work sucks. Having to drive sucks even more. Having to deal with flat-out stupid people in traffic raises the whole thing to a new level of sucktasticness. I'm in a nostalgic mood still thinking about my past year of posts. To go back to one of my early outcries: what the hell is wrong with you people?
Sunday, April 01, 2007
My Wordpress-iversary
Well, I made it through March so that means I've officially been blogging every day for over a year. I managed to get past 200,000 views before the end of the months as well which was nice (just one of many milestones I wouldn't have dreamed of reaching when I started). I am going to keep going but this feels like the sort of momentous milestone where I should make a major announcement about my future, so here goes:
From now on I will only blog in a positive tone. No more angriness.
From now on I will only blog in a positive tone. No more angriness.
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