I'm forming my own religion. Sure, readers and viewers are nice but it doesn't have the same ring to it as "disciples". I figure the only thing that's been holding me back so far is I haven't been setting my sights high enough. If something as fucked up as Scientology (which is clearly batshit insane) can get a following then I can definitely put together a cult of my own.
I feel confident that I can offer followers far more enlightenment than Mormonism, for instance. Seriously, I'm not going to ask anyone to believe anything as deranged as "Jesus was a white American". Not that I'm worried about coming up with a stupid, illogical belief system. That seems to actually work on your favour in cult-land. Apparently, believing in bizarre things that are clear indicators of mental illness doesn't even automatically preclude you from being taken seriously as a contender for President of the USA.
I'll even let you in on one of the key revelations of the Cult of Angry. I want you to know that it's worth your while to join, after all. The central tenet of the Cult of Angry is this:
None of this is real.
By "this" I mean the intarwebnettubes. A true adept would not have needed that explanation. People online have a tendency to suspend reality and believe they really are "online". No you're not. You're sitting in a goddam chair. Your computer is requesting information from a remote server. It's being represented graphically on a screen. It's phoshor excited by electrons. Or something. But it isn't real.
That, grasshopper, is the first step on your road to enlightenment. The journey will be long and hard. It will involve lots of money and ritual sex in the Temple of Angry. But it will be worth it. I know this because the Blogging Bot From The Future has sent back this video message:
Don't delay! The next step involves forwarding all of your money to The Most Sacred And Revered PayPal Account Of Angry. Account details to follow.