TFU Files - the end of the world

I have some good news and I have some bad news. First, the good news: Global Warming won’t cause the destruction of human civilsation. Now the bad news: we’re going to be wiped out before Global Warming has a chance to do us in. While there are a lot of competing Armageddon theories I believe I have conclusive evidence for mine.

Not many people will be surprised at the revelation that humanity will bring about its own destruction. There are even those who won’t be surprised when I reveal that it will be robots that exterminate us. What may surprise is how exact my evidence is. This isn’t a vague “one day the robots will get us” alarmism. This isn’t some offshoot of Singularity theory – the idea that one day computers will be smarter than us and will be able to build still smarter computers without our help. Actually, the robots who destroy us won’t be particularly intelligent.

For my evidence, let me show you three significant developments in robotics. First, the tiny SWARM robots. These are solar powered robots not much bigger than a flea. By themselves they don’t do much but they are designed to communicate via infra red and form a group capable of swarm intelligence that enables them to perform a range of tasks (much like ants or bees).

Then there’s the plasmobot – a biological robot made from slime mould that is capable of “solving complex computational tasks” and “It propogates and searches for sources of nutrients”.

My final piece of evidence is the horrifically named “EATR”, a battlefield robot designed to fuel itself with biomass that it gathers from the battlefield. It has been pointed out that this biomass could include dead humans. It has also been pointed out that a battlefield robot is designed to create its own supply of dead bodies.

Now, while the EATR alone could cause human extinction (or maybe it will keep us on farms so it has a constant supply of meat) I think our destruction will come from a combination of these three. The group intelligence of the SWARM robots, the biological nature of the plasmobot and the human harvesting tendencies of the EATR will combine. In fact we’ve already seen this: It’s the BLOB, people!

It’s the fucking blob and it will eat us all and we are in the process of creating it ourselves. It gets to the point where saying “nobody could have predicted…” really doesn’t hold any water. For supposedly smart people, scientists seem to indulge in some really fucking dumb behaviour. I’m not the first to say “haven’t these scientists seen even one scary science fiction movie?”

TFU Files - Copyright is broken

So here’s the first cab of the rank in the TFU Files. Copyright is essentially broken. It’s also a very touchy issue that’s hard to get rational discussion on because people with diametrically opposed views tend to start screaming at each other. I’m a creator of original content. I’d like to make money doing it. I really don’t want pricks stealing my work for their own gain. But the companies pushing for more and more extreme copyright measures are nothing more than evil, lying greedy scumfucks.

A perfect illustration of this can be found here. Canada is in the throes of changing their copyright regime. The entire process is in danger of being overwhelmed by commercial interests from the USA that have ZERO interest in advancing the cause of Canadian artists. At a recent “town hall” meeting that was meant to be an example of the Canadian government including the public in their deliberations, private security guards threatened people (including opposition MPs) for the heinous sins of trying to distribute information.

Stacking these meetings so that they only represent corporate interests (foreign corporate interests at that) is bad enough. Harassing and threatening dissenting voices is far worse. But to prove just how fucked they are, the “American Federation of Musicians” has launched bizarre email attacks on people who dare to differ on issues of copyright calling the content of their proposals “disgusting”.

Really? Disgusting? You’re going with disgusting? With an almost endless parade of things in the world that are disgusting, you’re going to call a pro-independent artist copyright reform proposal “disgusting?”

Stay classy, corporate America.

The TFU Files

I used to be so motivated to keep this blog running but it really has faded away over the last year. It isn’t as if I’ve stopped doing anything - I’ve remained really active on YouTube and in fact I’ve become more focused on what I’m doing there as several people have proven it’s possible to make good money through the site. So yes, that’s apparently what it takes to hold my whore-ish attention: the offer of money.

But in all honesty, that doesn’t explain why I haven’t been posting more material here- even if all I did was post my YouTube videos here, that would be three or four new posts a week. I’ve kind of made an assumption that anyone who really wanted to see my videos would watch them on YouTube but that probably isn’t completely accurate. It really comes down to the fact I’m incredibly lazy and have been for pretty much all of my life.

That might sound strange given the amount of work I did manage to do on this blog and the hours of work I still put into YouTube but it’s essentially true. I’m very lazy and will actively avoid any sort of work unless it’s something I really want to do for myself. Of course I do my work in my day job (just in case anyone I work for/with is reading this) but that’s to earn money. I don’t want to do the job but I do want the money. But you know those people who say they’d stay at their jobs if they wont the lottery? Those people are idiots.

Maybe I have an unfair advantage because I have a very clear idea of what I’d do for personal fulfillment if I didn’t need a day job (namely, my online adventures) but the idea of doing your day job for self-actualisation seems fucking insane to me. But I’m like that. Opinionated.

It really does seem like a waste to not maintain this blog as I have managed to garner a decent amount of attention through it. The thing is, it achieved its primary goal. The name of the blog, “Angry 365 Days a Year”, was my mission statement for the first year. I was going to make at least one blog post every day for a year being angry about something. Mission Accomplished. Unlike George Bush, I didn’t get a big banner on an aircraft carrier proclaiming that. Also unlike George Bush, I wasn’t lying when I proclaimed “Mission Accomplished.

My original intent was to develop material for standup comedy routines but the combination of seeing how hard comedians work and the rise of YouTube killed that idea. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who are working comedians and they work incredibly hard for frequently small returns in terms of audience size. That’s too 20^th Century for me. Occasionally I piss them off by mentioning my viewer numbers on YouTube and the fact I can actually make money.

A lot of that material I have posted on this blog has ended up becoming the basis of videos and I had considered using the blog to continue to write up script ideas. But again, the whole “I’m a lazy bastard” thing rears its ugly head. Most of my videos roll out quite nicely without needing a formal script (I tend to play out the idea in my head a LOT before making the video). The ones that are scripted are usually the product of a script I scrawled out in a notebook while riding public transport on the way to and from work. So in either case, typing them up in the blog is doubling the work and I can’t be arsed doing it.

I’ve had a few ideas this year about how to bring a bit of life back to this blog. They were mainly about doing shorter posts and more visual posts but I haven’t really followed through. The thing is, I think it’s good for me to write more. It’s a good skill to practice, it keeps the mind sharp and it’s likely to help me make videos. One idea I’m almost certain I’ll follow through with (now that I’ve had it) is the TFU Files.

I’ve been running a regular video feature on Fridays for a few months now. It’s a week in review type of thing that I call Totally Fucked Up Friday (abbreviated to TFU as shown in this charming graphic done by YouTube pal DrakeMagnum).

TFU

The news items I select for the video all serve as evidence to prove my theory that world really is Totally Fucked Up.

It’s proven to be quite popular with users and now I frequently get suggestions for topics. Between the suggestions and my own reading I usually have plenty of worthy TFU stories to choose from and I end up narrowing it down to two or three choices. What I’m thinking for the TFU files is that I’ll write a short piece for every potential idea (maybe as short as a one paragraph brain fart) so I’m thoroughly geared up by Friday.

I like the idea of doing this because it essentially lets me do a response for every person who gives me a suggestion. I probably only use one in ten suggestions (or less) but I do like to encourage people to give them to me. Sometimes I don’t use a suggestion because I can’t think of any good jokes about it, sometimes I feel like it isn’t right for me (I’m very cautious about stories that involve death or personal tragedy) and sometimes the suggestions are plain fucking stupid.

Honestly, the number of people who seem to have no fucking idea about my motivations stuns me. Am I too subtle? Of all my flaws, I didn’t think one of them was leaving people guessing as to what I think about things. For instance, I get people who seriously expect me to join their racist crusades, apparently because I’m an angry white guy. They tend to get “fuck off” as a reply along with a link to one of my many anti-bigotry videos.

Another benefit of making a short post for every idea would be as a reminder to me. The number of times I’ve thought about a good idea during the week and then totally forgotten about it when it comes time to make the video is ridiculous. I normally (stupidly) wait until Friday to get down to planning the TFU Friday video. This has led to many agonising instances of me berating myself for forgetting what the hell it was I had planned to do or maybe simply being unable to find the link to the story I want.

So in short, making this blog a repository for TFU files is a win for everyone. I don’t lose material, people who suggest things to me get recognition and attention span challenged readers get plenty of tidbits to provide diversion during the day. Unless I complete fail to follow through again.

But what are the chances of that?

Bo's Diary

I’ve finally started a long-overdue project, something I originally meant to start last year. So sue me, I need to work on my attention span. Last year when my girlfriend’s mum, “Bo” was visiting from England, she brought along some diaries she’d kept when she was young. Bo wants to maintain her privacy so that’s as much as she’s going to be identified by me. I have a bit of a fascination with artefacts and I found these particularly fascinating.

Besides that fact I would have found the diaries interesting in any case, by sheer coincidence she started the diaries just before the outbreak of World War Two. She started writing on December 31^st 1938 and she turned 13 right on the eve of Britain declaring war on Germany. So (to me at least) they transform from being an interesting piece of family history to a unique document detailing World War Two through the eyes of an ordinary teenage girl.

Having said that, I feel like I should stress that the diaries aren’t necessarily compelling and exciting. In fact, the very mundane nature of a lot of the entires are what I like – this isn’t someone imagining they are recording history, it’s a young girl making short entries about her day to day life. (Spoiler alert- the outbreak of war doesn’t score a mention; Bo is more concerned at that point with how much birthday cake she has left.)

I love the physical books that Bo records her diary in as well. They are electrical engineer’s diaries she scored form her dad and besides the tiny spaces for daily entires there is a plethora of information that is apparently useful to engineers. This part of the diaries alone makes me feel like I have a time machine.

Because of the tiny space available for each day’s entry the entries are very short – they are like Tweets from the past. Given that I’m a little obsessed with Twitter at the moment, I’m going to set up a Twitter account for Bo’s Diary as well. If I had been more organised, I would have started this project back on December 31^st and added an entry each day. I’ve decided to play catch-up and cram in a lot of entries until I reach the current date. I should be up to date within a month and then I’ll post one entry each day.

By sheer coincidence (trust me, it’s a coincidence, I don’t plan things this well) I will be posting the entries exactly 70 years after they were first written. Bo is visiting again at the moment (which is what has prompted me to finally kick this project off) and she has brought a few more diaries from later years. The original set run sequentially for 10 years from 1939, so I’m setting myself up for a 10 year project.

I’m insane.

This being the internet I’m sure I will run into people who want to prove how clever they are and the will “uncover evidence” that proves these diaries are fake. I have two things to say to that. First, thanks for thinking I’m that dedicated. Anybody who knows me knows there’s no way I’d put this much energy into a hoax. Second, fuck off. Seriously. I have no interest whatsoever in proving myself to some head-up-his-arse internet troll and I won’t waste any time with any moron who wants to snipe at this project.

The actual way I present the diary is likely to evolve over time. I’ll be able to ask Bo questions about entries (although there’s no guarantee she’s going to remember all details). I’ll do some videos showing details in the diaries. I’ll probably scan some of the other pages from the diaries from time to time. And during the war years, I’ll probably provide links to details of significant events that coincide with the entries.

The sequential nature of blogging and Twitter make them a perfect fit for this project. Ever since I became aware of these diaries I’ve though there would be an audience for them. Even if it turns out nobody outside of the family is interested, this is still worth doing as it creates a digital backup of the diaries and preserves a bit of family history.

Plus, it will give me something to do for the next ten years.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6bVnH_o9Nc]

A day in the limelight

If I'd known I was going to get all this company, I would have cleaned the place up a little. My "Should your website have a Flash intro" flow chart turned out to be very popular onReddit (and a few other sites). So much so that it was the top post on Reddit for most of the day and it was the top post for the day on Wordpress. When you're as shallow and ego-driven as me, this makes for a good day.

Although, in all seriousness, I really would have taken more care with the post if I had known so many people were going to see it. There were a couple of appalling typos in the first paragraph (which I've since fixed) and several people rightly pointed out that thejpeg of the flow chart I embedded looked kind of shit. I didn't bother to change the image. Give me a fucking break - it's a hostedblog that doesn't make me any money, how much of a shit am I actually expected to give?

I did get a good laugh out of the goon who had no idea how stupid he made himself look telling me to fix my "grammer". It's always a good idea to make sure you haven't made any mistakes with your own spelling or grammar if you're going to criticise someone else. Besides, if I wanted to get really pedantic towards annoying pedants I'd make a big show of pointing out that they were typos, not errors of grammar.

I would like to say thank you to all the supportive commenters, both here and on Reddit. That ratio of positive people to morons has been truly gratifying. Maybe some of you might even come back.

One of the things I found interesting is the recurring theme of people who want to show how clever they are by pointing out who did something "first". You don't have to do comedy/satire for very long before you realise there really aren't any new jokes. And you don't have to put your work out to public view for very long before you see how many people who will never create anything original of their own are eager to find fault in what you do.

This Toothpaste for Dinner cartoon was pointed out to me - it is essentially the same joke but I'd honestly never seen it before. It just shows that it isn't a particularly original idea for a joke. One person in particular was obsessed that I'd ripped of this blog post (referring to it here on my blog and on Reddit as "the original"). True, this one is actually about using Flash (for a whole site rather than an intro) but I'm not shy about saying (a) I'd definitely never see it before and (b) mine is way clearer in its intent and, in my not so humble opinion, way better.

The flowchart I'd actually seen a little while ago that was what I was thinking of when I did mine was about showing cops when to use ataser (hint: only use a taser if the only alternative is using your gun). I wish I could find it but I spent all day searching with no luck. So I'm copping to it barely qualifying as an original idea but the self-proclaimed "orignal police" got the specifics wrong.

One last thing about the day that made me laugh (which probably won't make anyone else laugh). This blog had settled into about 600 views a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. And here's the stats chart for the big day:

That line at the bottom isn't at zero. It varies beteen 500-800. But when the day's total went over 60,000 it's so out of scale with previous totals that it looks like it used to be zero.

This is my third most popular post by the way. My most popular post was about the diet pill "alli" that makes you shit oil uncontrollably. I'm not sure if this is a step up.

Should your website use a Flash intro

When Flash first landed on the World Wide Web (we still called it that back in those days) it was very popular it it became common for websites that wanted to look "cool" to load a Flash animation when a visitor visted the site. The standard method was to force the use to sit through this animation to convince them of how cool you were.
As time passed it became widely accepted that this practice was, to use the technical term, totally fucked. Despite years of frustrated users screaming at the websites to get that stupid fucking intro out of their way and let them use the site, some sites argue that there are certain cases where a Flash into is still a good idea.
Maybe so. I'm a helpful guy. Really. So I've provided this handy flow chart for all web designers and marketing people to consult before they put a Flash intro in place. Use this and no matter what your product, no matter who your target audience, you will always reach the right decision:

YouTube causing pain with censorship

People often ask my why I get angry and why I swear. I’ll fucking tell you why, because science fucking tells me to, that’s why. A study conducted at Keele University in the English Midlands (which I’ve never heard of but is clearly the best fucking university in the world) has shown swearing helps you withstand pain.
Volunteers who swore were able to withstand more pain than those who didn’t swear during the same test. Thus science has proved that swearing is not only big and clever, it’s fucking useful. And people who don’t swear are clearly into pain and are probably the sort of sick fucks who like to be tied up and whipped.
This also show’s YouTube’s attempts at censorship (threatening to delete or at the very least not promote videos just because they have some fucking swearing, introducing the censoring of swearing in comments.) means they want to hurt us. If we are allowed to swear we feel less pain. YouTube wants to reduce swearing. Therefore YouTube want us to suffer more pain.
Fucking bastards!
For those who can’t tell, including references to YouTube’s “censorship” policies is a joke. I point this out because I think people are far too casual in their use of the word “censorship” when it comes to YouTube. To cite the two examples I used, in 2008 YouTube said they would be trying to make videos with profanity appear less prominently on the site by “algorithmically demoting” them. This does appear to affect big name users – Cory Williams of SMP Films has been affected by it a couple of times but I haven’t toned down my swearing at all and I haven’t suffered for it. I would get pretty pissed off if/when it affects me directly.
More recently, YouTube introduced a feature that allows users to censor swearing in the comments on their videos. If this feature is invoked and a commenter calls someone a fucking cunt then it will appear as ****ing ****. It appears that on the first day this feature was live some goombah launched it with “on” as the default setting. This caused quite a few people to freak right the fuck out, thinking that massive censorship had been imposed.
It may surprise people to learn that I think this is a good feature. So long as it’s set at the video owner’s discretion and not imposed as a blanket rule, that is. It should be obvious that I’m anti-censorship but within their own domain people should be able set whatever rules they like. If someone doesn’t like swearing and they particularly don’t want to cop volumes of abuse directed at them on their own channel I say they are well within their rights to block swearing.
And I don’t give a fuck if that offends some purist libertarian streak in people. If someone imposes limits on my ability to express myself within my own domain I’m gonna get really pissed off. But it’s absolutely hypocritical to say “I demand liberty for all and nobody is allowed to disagree with me.” If YouTube enforced this level of censorship across the site I would be leading the user revolt but as an option I think it’s perfectly acceptable. I may even use it myself on some of my videos. For instance, my kids are in a few of my videos and they like to see what comments people are making on the videos. I don’t want them exposed to the typical lowest common denominator profanity that’s common on YouTube so I might censor the comments in that case.
Another way I can see it being good is the sort of no life fuck-up who makes a regular practice of leaving hater comments on people’s videos is easily frustrated. The main reason for this is the useless pieces of shit never produce anything of their own – the only thing that they have is trying to upset people who are actually doing something. Take that away (for example, by deleting any swearing in their comments) and they have nothing. So the whiny little fucks chuck a fit and wet their pants over how unjust it all is and I, for one, laugh right in their ugly fucking faces.
This is why I frequently delete obnoxious comments and block the perpetrator. Fuck censorship, I just want it to be clear that these sniveling little fuck-knuckles that they have no power in my world. And I want them to be upset. I want to know that they are bitching and whining about their “rights” being infringed. Because fuck them.So yeah, most of the hyperbole about YouTube going mad with censorship is overblown (not least because of the number of idiots who conflate copyright claims with censorship). It does seem clear, however, from their public pronouncements that YouTube see themselves as becoming some sort of new broadcast network. And they aren’t even a little scared of blanding things out if they think it will make them more money. Even if science proves they are reducing our capacity to endure pain.

Angry Comix - I hate you all!

A reaction to my recent blog poll:

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Who's the best "Old Fred"?

I've been looking for an excuse to run a Wordpress poll and here it is! About three weeks ago I did a video that was essentially a spoof of the most subcribed channel on YouTube, Fred. Given I'm about 30 years older than him, I imagined what he'd be like in 30 years if he was still making YouTube videos.

And just the other day, Mediocre Films, a channel with way more subscribers than me (like 200,000 more subscribers) did a video where... well, they imagined what Fred would be like in 30 years. Now, the person who pointed it out to me is crying foul but I think it's more likely that this is simply a coincidence rather than them ripping me off deliberately. It isn't as if this is the most innovative idea in the history of comedy. Spoofing popular people is pretty common.

The timing seems a bit coincidental but I'm willing to believe it's nothing more sinister than a coincidence. But seeing there are two versions of "Old Fred" now, why don't we put it to the vote?

P.S. I've been watching "The Mighty Boosh" on DVD recently. If I'd seen the "Old Gregg" episode before I made this video I probably would have had my version of Fred scream "I'm Old Fred - I've got a mangina!"

First milestone for the angry empire

So I took the big leap this week up and set up some online t-shirt sales. Thanks to the magic of CafePress I can actually do this without too much hassle. Of course nobody might actually care but enough people have commented over the years that I should sell t-shirts that I thought I'd give it a go.

The whole adventure is made easier by the fact that one on my YouTube subscribers did some designs for me. And I didn't even ask for them - he just did them. So now there are two designs available on CafePress. This one:

Angry Shirt

And this one (that I've been using as an icon on various websites)

AngryAussie Mask Design

So give me moneyyou bastards. Or not. This is really just an experiment. But if you want to, click here for the default "Angry" design or click here for the mask design. And because people have always said they like the shirts I design myself and suggested that hand made shirts would sell, I've been working on some prototypes. I can't exactly mass produce these but I've cobbled together a home made screen so I can print multiple shirts before the screen packs it in.

The whole process of making these shirts still takes an insane amount of time so it isn't worth my while to make them unless I can sell them for at least $50. If anyone thinks that's insane you won't get a lot of argument for me. So the really experimental part of this process was doing some prototypes and putting them up on eBay to see what happens.

The good news (for me) is I've already sold one! Admittedly, to my friend Nick (AKA Arthur40TwoDent on YouTube) but it's a start. The commercial juggernaut that is the Angry Empire has been launched. Jump aboard or be crushed under its wheels. Which is my way of inviting you to bid on one of the following designs on eBay:

STFU - Red on Gold

Click here for the auction for this shirt.

STFU - Purple and Yellow

Click here for the auction for this shirt

STFU - Red & Gold on White

Click here for the link to this auction.

And, me being me, I made a video to celebrate this milestone for the Angry Empire:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu1R_cuHJak]

BlogTV shenanigans

I had a fun time on BlogTV tonight. If the idea of interacting with me live seems like fun to you, you should sign up to get notifications of my live shows. Or follow me on Twitter to get tweets telling you what I'm doing. Or not. I completely understand if this doesn't appeal to you.

But we have fun doing bizarre things like playing 20 questions. And I do occasional rants. And people frequently convince me to do stupid things:

Dalek or dickhead?

And there are sexy goings on like me rubbing my nipples:

I'm dead sexy

Plus you often get sneak previews into what I'm doing if you tune into the BlogTV shows - I was showing off prototype t-shirt designs today. All in all, it's fun.

If you're into fun.

The Blogging Bot from the Future

An old favourite returns to YouTube:

Yes, that's how the future really looks. And sounds.

And because I care about my viewers/readers, in case you found it hard to understand what the Blogging Bot was saying, here's a transcript:

Greetings from the future.

From my vantage point in the future, I know the answer to many things that are regarded as mysteries in your time. For instance, some in your time suggest time travel must never be achieved because if it had been, time travellers would have come back to visit you. This might make sense apart from one thing you're all such a bunch of dicks what time traveller would waste time coming back to see you?

You people are coming towards the end of what is known in my time as The Stupid Ages an age of ignorance, narcissism and self-obsession that is laughable in my enlightened future. Which I guess is my enlightened present. Your future. You get what I mean. Unless you're one of the really stupid ones.

For instance: Fox News. What the hell is that about? The sort of rubbish spewed out on that supposed news network is so insanely mind-numbingly stupid if someone said something 1/1000th as stupid in my era, they would be put down as a mercy killing. Not a mercy for them they probably wouldn't like it. A mercy for the rest of us. Because we don't want to put up with crap like that.

I mean, seriously. In my age even children ponder great metaphysical questions. Do you know what the single most commonly asked question in your era is? When will I be famous? Not When will I be recognised for my achievements but When will I be famous? What the hell is wrong with you people? Why not get off your at reality-TV watching arses and do something worthwhile? Get good at something and wait for people to notice that. Don't sit there staring into your mirror asking When will I be famous?

YOU MAKE ME SICK!

I'm sorry, I recently had my personality subroutine augmented and I haven't quite got the hang of controlling the contempt I feel for the Stupid Ages yet.

I implore you, do your part to end the Stupid Ages. Stop obsessing about yourself and day-to-day trivia and get out and change something in the world for the better. Or not. Like I give a crap. You're all dead to me anyway.

End transmission

Totally fucked up or totally cool?

Funniest eyewitness statements ever. Who says street shootings can't be funny?

Sometimes it's only your point of view the determines whether or not something is Totally Fucked Up. This TFU Friday it's up to you to decide whether or not the stories are Totally Fucked Up or totally cool.

First is "Internet sensation" Clare Werbeloff who gave a funny account of a shooting in Sydney's Kings Cross. Some call here a bogan, some even call her a fake. Check it out for yourself

And then there's Josko Risa, currently running for mayor of the Croatian town Prolozac. The slogan for his openly corrupt campaign is "All for me, none for you."

And thanks to Nick for pointing me to that one!

And finally there's my "friends" at The Taboo Group who previously sent me Chuck and are now sending me mutilated Barbie heads in the mail.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTECo-2-jjE]

Here's some info about the movie "Prey" I missed seeing. DAMMIT!

The Dyslexic Christian

Yes, I'm making fun of both Christians AND dyslexics - two reasons to hate me! This is the story of my adventures with a dyslexic Christian friend. You see, I don't hate religion, I'm simply not interested in it. So long as people don't get up in my face, I'll leave them alone.

Which sometimes gives people the mistaken impression I am nice.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q257oSsJIzU]

And if you actually need this joke explained to you, click here to get some bonus material!

Fred in 30 years

"Fred" is the user name of the most subscribed channel on YouTube. He was the first person to pass one million subscribers. Rumour has it he makes $US5,000-10,000 each week just from Adsense revenue via YouTube. There are Fred branded shirts on sale at Hot Topic in the US (an probably other places). I try not to let these facts depress me.

I frequently get asked what I think of Fred by people who say kind things like I deserve more success than him. The truth is, I have nothing against him. He's not really my "thing" but good luck to him for his success. Rather than wasting time obsessing over the idea that he doesn't deserve his level of success, I prefer to look on his success as a positive example of what is possible.

This video is my idea of what Fred will look like in 30 years. By this time he is sure to have one billion subscribers.

[youtubehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkXLsGEol0]

And I have been warned about the "Fred Army". Like I give a shit. If people can't tell that this isn't done in a mean spirited way then they are fucking morons. As Shakespeare was fond of saying "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke."

Masturbate-a-thon: the gift that keeps on giving

One of the benefits of having built up a core of followers through this blog and YouTube is that people are always sending me suggestions for issues, topics and stories to cover. I welcome all of the suggestions but in many cases I never do anything with them. Sometimes it's because I don't think the idea suits me, sometimes it's because I can't think of anything good to do with it.

But sometimes, there is a story that simply must be done. One such story was recently provided to me via YouTube by Joshua - the recently held San Francisco Masturbat-a-thon. Which is actually an annual event.

The only problem is knowing where to start because there is so much material to work with. The masturbate-a-thon really is the gift that keeps on giving. The delightful thing is you can't parody these people. It's the perfect balance of a really crazy event and people being committed to an essentially positive message. If you try to slag them off, they really aren't going to give a shit.

The good part is, when the subject matter is this funny, you don't need parody. Just looking at exactly what was going on kept me in hysterics. It wasn't enough for them to simply bring people together to masturbate - no, there were competitions. At the 2009 masturbate-a-thon you could compete in:

• Longest squirt distance (and this was a mixed gender event, even if men had an unfair advantage)
• Longest time spent masturbating (and as the website says, bend your gender expectations - the record holder is male)
• Most orgasms (a mixed gender event where women have the advantage) and
• Tag Team "Fun" (which quite frankly boggles my mind)

Put simply, these people are determined to earn back some respect for masturbation. Or something. Hey, I make YouTube videos so I'm all about public masturbation in the metaphorical sense. But it's hard to argue with their core points:

• Masturbation is the safest sex
• More masturbation means more sexual self-awareness
• Masturbation with a partner can be educational and hot

I guess I should add that I know a lot of people would be freaked out by this. The world is full of uptight people who are squeamish about discussing sex and thanks to my Catholic upbringing I know masturbation is really taboo for a lot of people. So putting masturbation right in people's faces like this (so to speak) is pretty confronting. Which I think is kind of their point. Maybe they are just really sick people. But I think they are a great blend of positive, outrageous and just plain funny.

What's not to love about a web site that includes featured masturbators as well as a participation guide that encourages you to get your friends to sponsor your masturbation either by the hour or by the orgasm. I just want to say that if you're having that conversation with your friends they are either really close friends or they hate you and really wish you'd stop calling.

Oh, and I know you want to know the competition results so here they are:

• Existing record holder, Mr Masanobu Sato of Japan broke his old mark of masturbating for 9 hours 33 minutes to set a new record of 9 hours 58 minutes. He might think he's a winner but I say he's soft for not holding out for to more minutes to make an even 10 hours.
• A new record for squirting distance was set by "Flint Greasewood" who shot a truly astounding 5 feet 4 inches. I understand they audience was required to wear protective eyewear.
• And a new Women's World Tag Team time record was set by the owners and union members of the cooperative strip club the Lusty Lady Theatre. I have no idea what is involved in that record but I'm extremely disappointed that I didn't see it.

And as an added bonus, the SF Weekly has a decidedly Not Safe For Work slideshow of highlights. Some of the slideshow captions crack me up too. For instance there's the tip about rest breaks in Masturbation marathons - "It's like a pit stop in the Indianapolis 500 - if you really want to win, keep your tyre changes to a minimum." And then there's the "friendliest wanker of the bunch" who handed the SF Weekly a business card. Which I can only assume they burned - or at least washed thoroughly.

And while, in all honesty, I'm supportive of the overall message of the event I really have to take issue with their site's logo.

The logo in question

Now, I'm not surprised or offended that it features an erect penis. The wings are a little weird but I guess that's a metaphor. Whatever. But WHAT THE FUCK is up with the rear end of it? Why the fuck does it seem to be some sort of flying penis/dog hybrid? And why the fuck does the dog have a huge gaping arsehole? Seriously!?!?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE FUCKING THINKING?!?!?!?!

On second thoughts, scratch that question. I really don't want to know what the person who designed that logo was thinking.

Gayest Rap Name Ever!

So I've started a new series on YouTube: Totally Fucked Up Fridays. In TFU Fridays videos I look back on some of the truly fucked up events of the week.

And what a week this was! It was so hard to choose what stories to cover. Thanks to everyone on Twitter who gave me suggestions (Follow this link to follow me BTW, http://twitter.com/angryaussie).

So many fucked up stories to choose from, I went with Swine Flu, Air Force One buzzing New York City (and giving everyone 9/11 flashbacks), the continuing rape of the internet and the gayest rap name ever.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iuy6nIgWjI]

The STFU on the t-shirt stands for Not Safe For Work. Stop asking. By the way, I really did email Michael Buckley of WhatTheBuckShow fame and he was willing to go on record as agreeing that "Lace Italiano" is the gayest rap name ever.

If you want a way around the "can't watch this outside the US" problem, follow this link.

I link to an instructional video rather than straight to the software as I think the instructions are important. I installed the software and it works but it does tend to hijack some of your browser activity, particularly search. I recommend switching it off when you're not actively using it.

Swine Flu - How to protect yourself

A special film from the archive of the Government Department for really useful films.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq4_jNeUT-U]

It's a little disturbing that in the short time since I made this, the Worl Health Organisation raised their alert level to 5. And just in case there is some moron out there who wants to whine about this being insensitive and people dying - save it. I don't give a crap that you have no sense of humour.

If you're after some actual real information, this short Q&A is a good start.

Also, the pig in a sombrero joke comes to you courtesy of Dave/DCTCool

BlogTV Madness

I've been diversifying a little this month (as mentioned in previous posts) and trying out BlogTV. It seemed a bit weird to me and I didn't know what people expect me to do when I'm sitting there live. So I asked.

It seems people are reasonably happy to watch me talking crap. For a laugh on Saturday night (my time) I decided to go on drunk. Or at least get drunk while I was on there. Because then I wasn't drinking alone, I was drinking with other people and therefore not an alcoholic!

The show went on for about 3 and 1/2 hoursuntil I decided I really should stop around 1.30am. Quite a lot of people came through during that time - around 100 I think but I was too drunk to know for sure. But the good news was: no hangover!

A few people grabbed screen shots of various shenanigans:

Dragonball Evolution movie poster

What is it with Hollywood casting white people in roles meant for Asians? John Wayne was even cast to play Genghis Khan once! At least they got it right in the new Dragonball movie.











Because white people with eyeliner totally look Asian.

God's to list

Found stuck to a very large fridge somewhere in the cosmos:

For those who can't tell, this is the product of a catholic education.

Reasons I rip on haters

People often ask me, if I think haters are such a waste of space, why do I take the time to rip on them? I punch those people in the face. I have a range of reasons for ripping on haters and they are neatly explained in this graph:

The blog is dead - long live the blog

I know there are more abandoned blogs than active blogs out there but I've been feeling a bit guilty about neglecting my little corner of the blogosphere. Not too guilty. It isn't as if I've been drowning kittens. More like maybe I kicked a puppy. The kick may have even been accidental. Like I slipped and before I regained my balance my foot made contact with a puppy. So not that bad.
Okay, so maybe the puppy was startled and yelped in fear. Maybe it even ran off. Into traffic. And was disembowelled by a tram. But that's hardly my fault. What was the stupid fucking puppy doing getting in my way anyhow?
So anyway, I've been neglecting this blog which is not particularly nice because this blog has been good to me. So I'm thinking it's time for a resurrection of sorts. My grand plan is to start using the blog more often again but in different ways. The whole "being angry all the time" shtick has gotten a bit boring for me. At least writing about it has gotten old. I tried to avoid being half-arsed with blog posts so as a result posting took a lot of time and effort which had stopped seeming like it was worth it.
YouTube was my downfall. It's so easy. For me, anyway. It isn't that I don't put a lot of work into my videos and responding to comments, I do. But I do find it very easy to spend the time and execute on YouTube and less so here on the blog. So YouTube has thrived while the blog has withered. That's life. The fact that I've been getting into Twitter lately hasn't helped the blog either (follow me if you aren't already). Facebook still doesn't appeal to me (nor do MySpace or any of the others) but YouTube still has me hooked. But I'm not ready to give up on the blog completely.
I have a bit of a re-invention in mind. The plan is mostly formed but it will likely evolve. The posts will be more regular but shorter. And probably much more visual. I'm getting into the idea of doing more humorous graphs and charts. And maybe Despair.com-style demotivators. And the surveys Wordpress lets you do (probably tied to my YouTube videos). Maybe even a webcomic.
Shallow crowd pleasing stuff in other words. You'll love it.
Oh, and I'm revisiting my blogroll too because I know there's some dead blogs there. And I'll be trying to visit those who are still active more often. So if you consider yourself an old faithful and you're not on the blogroll maybe you should drop me a line ;)
Be seeing you soon! Probably.

To the hated

I've had a few discourses on the topic of haters and negative behaviour in the past but until reading this recent guest post on BoingBoing I'd never considered that by labelling someone else a hater I'm effectively labelling myself "the hated". I found that a little jarring (which I don't think was the author's intent) because it's such a negative and (to me) submissive word.
What I liked about the post is that he was giving people who might feel alone and victimised a lifeline. You're not alone. You're not at fault. You're not powerless. Here are some ways to deal with haters. It inspired me to do the following video:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uO0EP41_TE]
When I've dealt with the topic I've always tried to do it as a show of support for other people who find themselves on the receiving end of abuse. Attacking haters can be fun but it's ultimately pointless. This is simply because there is not point to hater behaviour no matter how much they talk themselves up. They are weak, pathetic people with nothing of value to offer so they seek to tear others down.
A friend of mine once described the situation as the world being made up of two types of people: mountain climbers and ditch diggers. When mountain climbers see someone above them thy start climbing in order to reach the same heights. When ditch diggers see someone above them they start digging a hole with the hope that the other person will fall into it.
So my philosophy is: don't let haters get to you. Their attacks on you are nothing more than their admission you are better than them. You're better and they have no hope of ever equalling you so they want to drag you down. Ignore them and they'll fester away in the dark hole they've created for themselves.
And just to round off, here's a link to Ricky Gervais' blog:
http://www.rickygervais.com/thissideofthetruth.php

Yolog a day - day 2 Recommended reading

I thought I'd throw out a few reading recommendations. I could give heaps more but this is a start.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9gIlMJfVRk]

And here's some free stuff online:

Classics!
http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Main_Page

Science Fiction!
http://www.baen.com/library/

Zombies! (Start with Monster Island)
http://www.brokentype.com/monster/

Cory Doctorow's stuff:
http://craphound.com/

Yolog a day - Day 1 Communication

I've been inspired to shift gears for a week by Anakin1814 a YouTube friend so it's all his fault. I'm making a personal video each day for a week (which is called a yolog not vlog no matter how many fools say otherwise) just to explore some ideas. In this first one, I talk about my approach to online communication and a few other things.

You also get to meet my stitch baby! The stitch baby was made for me by the wonderful Lucy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zIpM0U-w5Hw

Actually, I almost re-shot this because I watched it and I wasn't very lively. But I covered a lot of stuff I wanted to and I don't mind the conversational style.

Horseshit and bollocks

I was just at the movies and noticed a poster for the forthcoming sequel to The DaVinci Code, Angel and Demons. A more accurate title would be Horseshit and Bollocks. I've never bothered to read any of Dan Brown's books or watched the previous movie. The list of books I want to read before that is too long and life is too short. For that reason I won't pass judgement on his writing - there's plenty of other people doing that. Whether his writing is good or bad is immaterial to why his books and more specifically the hype around them pisses me off.
Bad fiction I can deal with. But when a hack writer uses the hype of "this is inspired by the truth" to sell books I feel like getting out the angry hammer and looking for skulls to crack. Particularly annoying is how it appeals to conspiracy theory whackjobs. And in case anyone is unclear on how I feel about those brain dead, self-important conspiracy-spouting shit-weasels who'd rather jack off to their insane fantasies of how they are the only ones clever enough to see through vast conspiracies that "the sheeple" are duped by... well, I think they're just super.
I really want to reiterate that this isn't about the quality (or lack thereof) of Dan Brown's writing. I don't look down on people who read and enjoy his books. Lots of intelligent people I know fall into this category. I simply choose not to do so myself. It's the fucked up "wooo isn't it spooky that all these secrets exist" bullshit that I can't tolerate. If the choice is between reading nothing and reading Dan Brown then definitely read Dan Brown. Even ingesting the verbal diarrhoea that Oprah recommends is better than simply watching Oprah.
That goes for Twilight too. It's really trendy to say the Twilight books are shit and they only appeal to dippy little girls and Mormons. They are still fucking books! Reading is a good thing! You know what I started out reading? Comic books. And how many idiotic adults think they are trash that should be banned? I'm not even talking about deep and meaningful "graphic novels" - I'm talking trashy, pulpy comic books. Then I graduated to reading Doctor Who novelisations.
If any adult had tried to rip these from my grasp and force me to read "real books" that would have been the last thing I ever read. But because I was reading what I wanted, I enjoyed reading and slowly progressed to more challenging books. These days I even occasionally commit literature. Why do people not get this and insist on telling those who read things they don't approve of to stop that right now! They'll stop all right. And never pick up a book again.
So yeah, if Dan Brown would lay off his "it's true!" schtick I'd be less inclined to want to bash his brains out with a cricket bat. Even if he is a shitty writer.

800 videos

Waaaaaay back in June 2006 when I started on YouTube, I wouldn't have believed I'd manage to make over 800 videos. After the fact it seems to have been very easy to do. I hate to think where this creative energy would have ended up without this. I suspect there would have been heads on sticks at the bottom of my garden.

As is usual for my 100 milestone, I've done a compilation of clips of videos 701-799. If you have a spare 15 minutes, sit back and enjoy!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=xLciicFYzdQ]

AngryAussie has a wet sticky crotch on YouTube

As promised, I made a video of my recent blog post where I lose it over my lunch dumping a bunch of meat juice in my crotch. It seemed fitting to resurrect the angry mask.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlntCrCZ1Q4]

Stick crotch

I haven't railed angrily at any of life's little injustices recently but holy fuck I'm angry right now! I am a creature of habit with many things but particularly with food. If I find something for lunch that I like I tend to get it reasonably often. Knowing I'm going to enjoy food is more important to me than variety.
One of my favourite lunches near my current workplace is relatively simple. It's a wrap: marinated chicken cooked on a grill with bacon, cheese, pineapple and salad wrapped in toasted flat bread. This was my lunch today. It was a taste sensation as usual. What wasn't usual was when it dumped a load of food juices right in my crotch. Gross, sticky and embarrassing. Because it's all over my fucking crotch.
I tell you, if I'm going to end up with sticky juices covering my crotch I want them to get there the fun way!
What really pisses me off is this only happened because they changed the fucking packaging! Prior to today, the wraps always came in these touch paper bags. The yummy fresh food and sauce alway runs out of the wrap because it's hot. This bag NEVER let the sauce escape - I guess it was treated somehow to not go soggy.
Today the wrap comes with a continuous piece of paper wrapped around it. This has two effects. One, it's harder to unwrap and get at my food. Two, IT DUMPED THE FUCKING FOOD JUICES INTO MY FUCKING CROTCH!
I don't want to hear that I should be more careful or eat it over a plate or any common sense shit like that! I fucking hate it when somebody changes something that works as a cost cutting measure (probably) and introduces a fucking problem that didn't exist before! FUCK!
The one saving grace is I'm wearing dark pants (like I do 90% of the time at work) so I just spent a few minutes at the bathroom sink splashing water on my crotch trying to get the sticky stuff off. I never thought I'd have to say that again. Then I used the hand dryer to try and dry my pants (I learned through experience to not use paper towel - then your crotch is covered in white fluff). So I'm essentially dry humping the hand dryer like Mr Bean and of course someone walked in. I acted casual and pretended there was nothing wrong with my posture.
FUCK I am in a bad mood at the moment!

Sports Bukkake

Can someone tell me what is happening here?

Funny if you're good enough

One of the challenges you face if you try to entertain people with humour is deciding on what is an "appropriate" topic for comedy or satire. Clearly, I don't mind if I piss people off and frequently set out to do it on purpose. By the same token, I do have an internal censor of sorts but it leans more towards "is that funny enough to get away with it?" than "am I allowed to say that?"
I was reminded of this conundrum when reading about how Ricky Gervais has upset a few people this week by picking on fat people in a podcast. I'd seen his DVD "Fame" recently where he also ripped on fat people ("not a disease") so I had a fair feeling for the tone of his podcast when I saw a partial transcript. Suffice to say that he thinks fat people shouldn't be treated gently.
I have all three standup DVDs he's released and one thing that was a real eye-opener for me in all of them was how aggressively he went for what could be regarded as soft targets. I know he isn't to everyone's taste but anyone who can make me laugh at jokes at the expense of kids with cancer is all right by me.
Gervais (to me at least) is a classic example of it isn't what you make jokes about that matters, it's how good you are. The fact that some people are confronted and upset by some of his jokes isn't in and of itself a measure of their quality. After all, I doubt that the initial publication of Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" was greeted with universal acclaim as a masterpiece of satire ("He's saying we should eat Irish babies - he's a very bad man!")
The world is, of course, littered with the putrid corpses of jokes that died horrible public deaths when the comedian in question was simply trying to be offensive for shock value and failed to remember the "be funny" part of the equation (doubtless I've committed this humourcide many times). The best recent example for me is still when Michael Richards (Seinfeld's "Kramer") imploded on stage and repeatedly brayed "nigger" at an audience member. You don't try that shit unless you're really, really good.
But if you're good, and daring, you can go right out there and make jokes about paedophilia:
[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=9031532194656768989]
To be accurate, the target of the satire in that video from Britain's "Brass Eye" is actually the hysteria that was surrounding paedophilia at the time rather than saying paedophilia itself is funny. The first time I saw that I almost couldn't believe someone would take the risk of going that far. I don't know how many death threats the makers of the show received but they won't be getting invited to tea at Buckingham Palace any time soon.
Which is something else that not enough people consider before they do something (and I'm not limiting this to attempts at comedy): be prepared for the consequences. To white guys who say they should be able to say nigger because it's free speech I say sure you should. Just be prepared for people to decide they don't want to be around someone who spouts racist crap. I know a lot of what I've done, particularly on YouTube, could have an adverse affect on some people's opinion of me. It could mean I don't get a particular job at some point. I made a conscious choice in that regard:
Fuck it.
I've never taken a video down and I stand by everything I've ever done on YouTube. It may not all be comedy gold but it's all me.

Conspiracy theorists - STFU!

The absurd number of random, off-topic comments I have been getting on YouTube lately from conspiracy theorists has pushed me to far. Time to strike back in the only way I know how - lots of swearing and shouting!
[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=o0AIeN_AxBQ]
And don't take it personally Alan, Despite the fact we disagree on a range of topics I consider you a person who puts forward their views rationally without being aggressive or insulting. Unlike the pea-brained morons I am beset by on YouTube.

YouTube in the news

There's an interesting article in today's New York Times about YouTubers who are actually making a living doing videos. Prominently featured are two of my friends from the site, Michael Buckley of "What the Buck" and Cory Williams of SMP Films.

It's good to see some non-hysterical coverage from a mainstream media outlet, pity the same can't be said for a lot of the people who read the article. The comments from the readers are amusing in their bitterness and ignorance. My personal favourite said :

"Nice to know that someone making amateur Youtube videos (they are a bit entertaining I admit)makes more money than most people I know, with advanced degrees that work 60 hour weeks in offices.

Time to think of a new career path or at least a way to pay off those undergrad and graduate student loans."

No shit, Sherlock! If you know people who spent years at university racking up massive debts only to end up in dead end jobs it's fucking obvious they should wake the fuck up! It appears they didn't learn many worthwhile lessons in their studies.

Anyway, this is as good an excuse as any to post a video I made with the fabulously wealthy Cory while I was visiting him in the US recently. Oh, and for those who are interested, I make more like $100 a month from YouTube rather than the $100,000 per year Mr Buckley is lucky enough to be making!

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=1HKCTQ-VOIM]

YouTube censorship

So, YouTube have announced changes to some of their policies regarding the content of uploaded videos. Many in the mob are screaming "censorship!" and technically they're right. It does qualify as censorship but it's hardly new - YouTube has always placed restrictions on what they regard as acceptable content. It hardly seems like the end of the world to me and I'm even hopeful that one or two of the changes might actually improve the site.


Breaking it down, YT seem to have two main goals. First is to randomly generate the thumbnail for videos to fight what's commonly referred to as "thumbnail cheating" and second is to remove or at least demote the more "adult" content from the "most viewed" etc. lists of videos.


The change to thumbnails isn't going to generate a significant outcry. For those who don't know, prior to this change, YouTube chose the exact centre frame of video to represent that video as a thumbnail. Once you knew that you could edit your video in such a way that you controlled what would appear in the thumbnail. People have been complaining for years that showing boobies (or the suggestion of boobies or something similar) automatically grabbed a huge number of video views and many high profile YouTubers were accused of gaming the system.


I know from my own depressing experience that this works. My most viewed video was one where I exploited this. Horny desperadoes who were fooled by the hot babe in the thumbnail and/or the deceptive description were instead lectured by me on the perils of excessive masturbation. Two millions views later I wonder why I bothered. That statistic is really depressing to someone who puts a lot of effort into most of their videos (my highest views for non-thumbnail cheating video is about 300,000). It will kind of suck to not be able to choose how a video is represented (a grey blur does not attract many viewers) but if it stops the boobie thumbnails I guess it's kinda worth it. [update: I've noticed YouTube is giving the opportunity to upload a specific image as the thumbnail but they threaten to cane you if you break their guidelines]


The demoting of "adult" content is where it gets interesting. One of the main ways to get your videos seen by new and/or casual YouTube viewers is by appearing on one of their "Most..." lists. If your video is "flagged" as inappropriate then you don't appear on these lists (or the video may be removed altogether) and so your video is likely to get viewed less overall. Admittedly, this has a bigger effect on people who are already reasonably popular. YouTube hasn't said they'll be deleting more videos but they have said they'll be broadening their definition of "adult" and any videos identified as such will be removed from the listings.


The fact that prominently displayed boobie cleavage and booty shaking will disappear from the "most viewed" videos will be a massive relief to most YouTubers. By "most" I mean those not blessed with nubile female bodies that can attract crowds simply by parading around while scantily clad. There, I'm jealous, I admit it. Also to fall under the hammer are videos dealing with sexually explicit topics. No more hot blondes giving instructions for the perfect blowjob appearing on "Most viewed videos".


YouTube have also decided to demote videos with excessive profanity. Oh fuck. Several people have sent me messages asking "Won't this affect you?" To which I have responded "Derrrrrrrr!" After thinking about it for a while, I'm not hugely bothered by this so long as YouTube only "demotes" swearing videos and they don't remove them entirely. Me saying "shut the fuck up" 20 times in 60 seconds may not be the most suitable viewing for children.

There is no shortage of people shrieking hysterically about this. By and large, they are fucking idiots. The drama queens calling for mass boycotts crack me up. "I'm leaving YouTube," they wail, "join me and we'll teach them a lesson." Fucking idiots. If this is a step too far censorship-wise for you then refusing to participate in the site any longer is a perfectly valid choice. But for the love of the baby Jeebus stop being such a fucking drama queen about it. Go. Do it. Stop fucking talking and clamouring for attention and GO!

Go ahead. Leave. You know what the effect will be? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Fuck all. Those hundred people who say they're joining you? They're lying. They don't give a fuck and they'll come back to YouTube simply because it has the videos they want to see. Even if they're telling the truth and they never come back, the effect on YouTube would be zero. The number of people who would give a shit if I packed up and left is statistically so close to zero I may as well have never existed. For fuck's sake, Fred (the number one subscribed person on YouTube) could leave and that would barely be a blip on the radar. The site would continue without noticing and other people would take his place.

So please, all the people proclaiming their outrage at these changes: get your hand off it. I mean it. If you pull your (metaphorical) cock any harder you'll rip it right off. Take whatever action you think is right for you but do me a favour and shut the fuck up about it. Nobody gives a shit. To paraphrase Yoda: "Do or do not. There is no pointless shrieking like a whiny little bitch."

The one thing that concerns me is the likely abuse of the flagging process now that YouTube has broadened what content will be flagged as "adult". This doesn't bother me because of any new standards, it bothers me because of YouTube's established track record. Essentially there is a parade of fucking idiotic decisions in their past and I would expect this to get worse, not better.

To clarify, this isn't about me. Almost none of my videos have ever been flagged (maybe two or three). But I have seen flagging decisions in the past that simply beggar belief. YouTube claims that someone on staff reviews all videos flagged by viewers and only takes action if they decide the video truly breaches their guidelines. Given the number of times I have seen videos flagged that definitely DO NOT breach their guidelines (YouTube later agreed and changed the decision) there is one of two conclusions to draw. One is that YouTube is lying and they don't have any comprehensive review process. Two is that they employ complete fucking morons to fulfil this role.

YouTube NEVER respond to the community. Not even to say "No, you can't have that." But if they were going to listen, I'd like them to respond to these suggestions:

1. Explain EXACTLY how the flagging review process works. How many flaggings are investigated each day? How many staff are employed to do this?
2. Develop and publicise a review process for flaggings. Tell people who believe their videos have been unfairly flagged exactly what steps to follow and what response they can expect in what timeframe.
3. Give Partners the benefit of the doubt. Give them someone they can go to directly if they feel they've been unfairly flagged. If they're willing to put their partnership on the line over it then listen to them!
4. Give registered over-18 users the option to see flagged videos in the "Most..." lists. Preferably with the ability to filter (e.g. I want to see profanity but not boobies)

Actually, all my suggestions to YouTube always come back to one thing: would you guys PLEASE fucking communicate with us?

Reggie Watts - Fuck Shit Stack

Here's a little moment from YouTube Live (some two weeks in the past now) that I feel compelled to share. Who says swearing indicated lack of intelligence? Lots of people but fuck them - they're wrong.
I wandered around outside the YTL venue quite a bit before the show. Partly because I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing and partly because there was so much to see. And one of the things I saw was the performer I christened the Post-Modern Beatboxer. Because I had no idea who he was and the way he deconstructed language was brilliant. It turns out his name is Reggie Watts.
When I first saw him starting I was dissing him as another bloody beatboxer. Then the lyrics started. He had me at "Yo, where my gerunds at?" Then the swearing started. At that point, I wanted to have his babies.
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=fuJw7gx1IsM

The community OWNZ YouTube

Those who have been paying close attention would know that I christened November "Tube-Vember" due to the large amount of YouTube related activity I had that month. And because I am almost totally unembarrassed by using stupid neologisms.

To summarise: we had a mini-gathering in Melbourne on Nov 15th, I flew to the US for YouTube Live a week later and was in Sydney for the big Australian gathering fo the year the week after that (landed home in Melbourne on Monday). That was a lot crammed into about 2 weeks which ended up feeling like both a long time and a short time.

Long because there was so much activity crammed in there it gave the illusion of much more elapsed time than it really was (this was essentially a year's worth of partying for me crammed into one month). Short because 2 weeks really isn't a very long time. And I would have liked to stretch out the US trip in particular for a month or so.

My one feeling at the end of all this is that it's all about the community. People are fond of bemoaning the lack/death of community in YouTube (I've been know to muse on this myself) but I have to say, the community is alive and well. People who feel like there's no community need to look inwards for the answer rather than outwards. Or better still, piss off as they're clearly part of the problem rather than the solution.

At YouTube Live I met both the high flyers (a significant chunk of the top 20 were there) and the average folk - people I interact with regularly through subscriptions and comments. While it's easy (and a little cheesy) to say the "real" people were the soul of the event I have to say, the "A-listers" I spoke to were universally nice. Even people I didn't "like" were nice. I put "like" in quotes because these were people I didn't actually know but I had formed opinions of them from their activity on YouTube.

I'm still alternately amused, dumbfounded and frustrated with how badly YouTube misses what the community wants. The scale of what they have achieved with a video sharing site would have sounded impossible only a few short years ago and now we take it for granted. They got the hard stuff right and they still don't seem to understand how easy it would be to keep the community happy. And they don't COMMUNICATE! YouTube Live seemed to succeed as a community event despite YouTube rather than because of them.

But still, when I say "OWNZ" I mean the community is the best part of YouTube, not that YouTube has to do whatever some amorphous "community" tells them. YouTube can do whatever they want. Besides, what the community is and what it means will vary from person to person. Communities are like that. It's completely pointless the way some people try to force their interpretation of community on everyone else. Even when they are a part of a community, people remain individuals.

The best advice I can offer is know what you want for yourself and stick to that. If you can't find like minded people then maybe you need to reconsider. Or maybe you simply don't need other people. The idiots who do the bleating about other people not meeting their standards of community behaviour are usually losers that nobody wants to associate with anyway. Leave them to their delusions.

For all its shortcomings, I'll always be grateful for the opportunities YouTube provides. And I know that I'm part of a fucking awesome community.

My new career

I am seriously working on developing a career change and moving into public speaking - specifically on IT and new media related topics. I picture myself as being the "funny guy" they use to close IT conferences. I've been thinking about this because
(a) I seem to have more first hand knowledge than most people I see presenting, and
(b) I'm a far better speaker than most people I see
And I want some of the money these people are making, dammit! I want to be flown around the world to talk and be treated like I'm an expert! Because I'm shallow that way. I already have some presentation ideas I'm working on:
You're stupid - what to do about it (for management conferences)
Project management - why it's bollocks
IT staff - lazy, overpaid slackers or priceless diamonds you should cherish forever?
Why the latest internet fad is pointless but you should follow it anyway
And a presentation I'd love to give to the music and/or movie business: "You are evil, rapacious scum and your customers will eventually drag you into the street and burn you at the stake"
I'm looking forward to this new career.

Did you miss me?

I feel almost embarrassed at how much I've neglected this blog over the last couple of months. I haven't felt like I've had the right mindset for writing longer pieces and I have this weird thing where I feel that writing shorter pieces is kind of cheating. Which is stupid. I get like that.
Given that I've been posting videos to YouTube almost every day I could simply have posted those here with a bit of commentary. Which I might start doing. Again. But I'm also making plans for a possible career change and writing more would help me develop that. So, in short, there is likely to be much more activity here.
Plus, I'm back from my brief visit to the USA and I didn't get arrested or killed. I have to admit, my paranoia did not subside until I was safely home. At the start of the trip I was simply worried I'd have some nasty run-in with homeland "security" and end up getting kicked out. From then on I was paranoid that I'd lose my gear or myself.
All in all in was a fantastic trip but all too short (3 days in San Francisco and 3 days in Los Angeles). It did fill me with new positivity about YouTube and the people involved. The central part of the trip was going to see "YouTube Live" in San Francisco. The show was actually much better than I expected and everyone I met was really nice - including the people I don't like on YouTube.
I'm not sure if I was star struck or if it was simply sensory overload but being surrounded by a dozen people who each have hundreds of thousands of subscribers on YouTube was a surreal experience. Especially when one of them (Michael Buckley) said he was star struck meeting me.
So I'm going forward with a renewed faith in online "community", feeling creatively charged up and looking for some challenges and new horizons. Watch out, anything could happen.

Too much Obama

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=D5wfj9yIBxQ

remembrance day

There is a lot of talk in Australia this remembrance day about how Australians place too much importance on the Gallipoli campaign when thinking of World War One and tend to ignore the European campaign that was by far the biggest part of the war. Former Prime Minister Paul Keating has caused quite a stir recently on this topic.

This article also has some interesting statistics about Australian troops in WWI:

• 50,000 served in Gallipoli while 250,000 served in Europe
• 8,700 died in Gallipoli while 46,000 dies in Europe
• The fought 8 battles in Gallipoli and 40 in Europe
• 9 Victoria Crosses were awarded to Australians in Gallipoli and 52 VCs were awarded in Europe
• The Gallipoli campaign lasted 8 months while the European campaign lasted two and a half years

And perhaps most importantly, Gallipoli was a military disaster while on the Western Front Australians fought under Australian command for the first time and achieved many victories (as much as anything that happened in the horrofic waste of life that was WWI can be called a victory). The AIF only constituted 10% of Allied forces but won 25% of enemy territory, prisoners of war, arms and ammunition. SO it's about time more Australians gave them their due for what they really achieved.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=NOz08MNkwPI]

The quote at the end is from the most famous poem from World War One - "Dulce et Decorum Est"

Vicar with a potato in his bum

I'm not saying that religious orders specifically attract perverted people. I'm not saying that people who preach morality to others have a disturbing habit of indulging in extreme perversions of their own. But it's really noticeable when it's true.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=WWkrSZ_Yfc8]

An old sketch comedy show in Australia was actually called the Naked Vicar Show - I'm sure they would have had a field day with this. This story has, unsurprisingly, been covered quite a bit in the media. I think my favourite is this collection of stories from The Guardian.

I really don't get people in this situation making up absurd lies - it's obvious what really happened. When you make up appalling lies it makes you untrustworthy as well as kinky.

Dedicated to the disgusting freak at work

As I look back on my history of around 850 blog posts and 750 YouTube videos, I notice a disturbing amount of them are concerned with toilets and/or poo. And I'm not about to stop.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=MMiScJRFSV0]

I Love America

There's an old saying in film making (useful in story telling generally) that goes "Show, don't tell". In short, this means show what's happening in your story rather than explaining it. Having a character actually perform an action is much more powerful than having a narrator describe an action. And this, in short, has been the most frustrating aspect of watching America during the Bush Presidency.
To see Bush over an over again saying one thing and then doing the opposite. To talk about finding those "responsible" for the 9/11 attacks and instead fabricating enemies that suited pre-determined political goals. To talk about making the economy strong when pretty much every action he took fucked things up (and by some miracle the chickens came home to roost BEFORE the election - for the last year or so I though he was going to manage to stave of the economic collapse he had engineered until he was out of office). To hear him talk mindless drivel about "freedoms" while turning America into a police state. A pathetically inefficient, overly-bureaucratic police state at that.
As an outsider it seemed like every fucking lie he peddled was being eagerly swallowed up by a wilfully ignorant populace. It was easy to think Americans had developed a taste for shit sandwiches and couldn't wait to wolf down the next serving. I joked about a year ago when the front running Democrats were a woman and a black man that the Democrats must want to lose. Apparently not :)
That whole American mythology of "anything is possible, anybody can become President" is suddenly a lot harder to disregard. It isn't as if the country (and the rest of the world who are so heavily affected by what happens in the U.S.) are about enter a magical fairyland but this is stunning on so many levels. Seriously Americans, how crazy are you? You can turn 180 degrees from the soul-crushing negativity of the Bush years to one of the most hopeful and inspiring politicians in the world just like that?
And the dude is BLACK! His dad was Muslim! Part of his schooling was in the world's most populous Muslim nation! Holy fuck, whatever pill you people are taking I'll have two!
I have been addressing this campaign quite regularly on YouTube and topic of race has always been part of it. More than one person has had a bit of a dig at me by asking if a black person would be elected leader in Australia. Short answer: no. Slightly longer answer: no fucking way! It's a slightly unfair comparison as we don't have a Presidential system and a Parliamentary system doesn't really allow for a breakout star to rise to Prime Minister in a short space of time. It's possible but far less likely.
But it isn't just that - Australia's indigenous population are by and large treated like shit. Pointing this out is a good way to make lots of non-indigenous Australians very defensive and angry, even people who are largely very reasonable and even progressive. They'll rush to point out welfare and lazy abos burning down their government provided houses and I have learned it's largely impossible to talk to people on the issue if they've made up their mind like that. Seriously, if you're going to go on about how the most downtrodden indigenous race in the world have it so good I see no value in engaging in any conversation.
So you showed the world America. Anything's possible. Hopefully the redemption of the Republican party (and maybe even the rise of third party candidates as a viable option) is also possible. I wonder how long it will take some powerbrokers in the GOP to see the sort of passion Ron Paul (for example) inspired and go "Hey, maybe this hateful shit we've been peddling has run its course - why don't we actually trying standing for something apart from hating people different to us?" With the majorities the Democrats look like having some strong, principled opposition will be vital. Like most political groups, the Democrats have an appalling track record for corruption and ineffectiveness when there's nobody to keep them honest.
Anyway, I'm visiting The US in two weeks (only the dirty, immoral socialist land of California) so I hope y'all are still partying when I get there!

Tube-vember: an angry odyssey

There are so many big things happening around YouTube in November that I'm officially re-naming it Tube-Vember. Shut up, that is not stupid.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=OVF2DZsn_4Q]

Dates to remember:

MELBOURNE MINI-GATHERING - Saturday, November 15th at Federation Square from Noon. You don't have to be a video maker or "know someone" to come along. If you just want to meet a few people, say g'day and have a bit of fun feel free to come along!

YOUTUBE LIVE - Saturday November 22nd

SYDNEY AUS ONE GATHERING - Saturday November 29th.

Mr Angry's American Odyssey - I land at San Francisco on Thursday November 20th and I'll be in LA on Monday November 24th until Wednesday November 26th. If you're in/near those places at those time and you know something fun to do and/or you want to catch up - drop me a line.

One Angry Bogan

My mate Daz wants to have words:

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=cuPJs0fL8qA]

Some translations:

Seppo = Septic Tank/Yank/American

Spade work = the ground work you have to do to score a root

Root = intimate relations

Bogan = AKA White trash, Chav

Listening to my inner voice

I thought I'd share some video rants about work. And how my inner voice helps.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=YoQ0b8joOBw]

Or sometimes doesn't.

[youtube=http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=O7BeND2JoNo]

My inner voice is a capricious thing.