Thursday, July 19, 2007

SUV drivers deserve what they get

I found a funny article today via Reddit that tells of some loser who decided he could compensate for his tiny penis by buying and oversized Hummer. The damn thing was so big it wouldn't fit in his garage so he had to park it in the street. It seems his neighbours believe a Hummer is a poor choice of a vehicle. To the point where someone trashed his stupid truck.

Ha fucking ha. Couldn't happen to a nicer moron. 32, living with his mother, feels compelled to buy a stupidly oversized vehicle and fit it out with extra bling. Yeah, no issues going on there.

Now, this isn't something I'd do myself (trashing an SUV, that is). I prefer the "Toothpaste for dinner" approach - put a "God bless terrorism" sticker on them and let someone else do the work. Actually, trashing these vehicles isn't something I really advocate. Owning an oversized truck when you have no good reason for it is pretty fucking antisocial but I don't see how acting antisocial in response improves things. It's still fucking funny, though.

This story is good timing for me because I was going to blog anyway about the moron I was stuck behind in traffic the other day. I hate getting stuck behind these stupid 4WD / SUV / whatever-the-fuck-you-want-to-call-them pieces of crap. You can't see a damn thing past them. Plus, it's a safe assumption that anyone who'd buy one of the overpriced shit-heaps is a moron so they're probably going to do something stupid at any moment.

So I'm stuck behind one of these tanks and its bumper is at about my eye level. And the fuckwit who own it has put a bumper sticker on it. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't an honest sticker like "Fuck you!" It was an "environmentally conscious" sticker which read "Think about the planet."

This type of vehicle wastes an absurd and unnecessary amount of resources during manufacture then continues to waste an absurd and unnecessary amount of resources when you drive it. The level of cognitive dissonance required to put a "green" bumper sticker on such a vehicle simply astounds me.

Like I said, I don't advocate violent retribution against these morons. But in this case, an effort of supreme willpower was required. I kept imagining how satisfying it would be to drag this moron out of the driver's seat and smash their face repeatedly into the bumper sticker until they acknowledged their own stupidity.

The other thing I don't like is the fact that, as I said, the bumper of these fucking things tends to be at your eye level if you're in a normal car. It's all too easy to imagine these morons rolling right over the top of you. And the terrifying thing is, many of the people who buy these monstrosities cite that as one of their reasons. The think they're more likely to survive an accident because it seems clear that you're less likely to survive if you're on the receiving end.

This is the final nail in the coffin for these scumbags, in my opinion. It makes for a pretty disgusting excuse for a human being if you buy a vehicle specifically because of its ability to deal out horrific injury and death. I really do think these things should come with a "fuck you" sticker pre-applied. It would be much more honest. But more than marking you as an evil scumfuck, this decision marks you as even more of a moron. You know why?

It simply isn't true.

Drivers of these type of vehicles are actually statistically much more likely to be in serious accidents and suffer much worse injuries than people who drive normal cars. One of the most interesting pieces I've ever read about these crapmobiles was written by Malcolm Gladwell (I've linked to this before but it's really worth reading.) He gives great detail on how stupid the damn things are: expensive, dangerous and pointless.

And the people who build them think the people who buy them are morons.

You can't get much more blunt than describing "the mixture of bafflement and contempt that many auto executives feel toward the customers who buy their SUVs". But the article is chock-full of great reading including "SUVs tend to be bought by people who are insecure, vain, self-centered, and self-absorbed, who are frequently nervous about their marriages, and who lack confidence in their driving skills. " That little gem comes internal automotive industry research, not some green group trying to discredit them.

So if you're still convinced you need to drive one of these behemoths, don't say you weren't warned. In all likelihood you'll pay the ultimate price. Having your truck trashed by vandals should be the least of your worries. Just remember, as you proudly sit in your lofty throne, master of all you survey: everyone hates you.

Most people in the street think you're an ignorant, arrogant fuckwit. The car dealer gouging you for a massive markup can probably barely contain themselves from laughing in your face. The oil companies can't believe how stupid you are, giving them enough money to run three more sensibly sized cars. But you think you're right - reality hardly counts in the face of that, right?

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