Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sometimes it's the Little Things

While I've spent a bit of time recently getting angry about political issues on the world scale but it's important not to lose touch with the little things that make me angry. Partly because these are the things I have to deal with on a daily basis and partly because the scale of the big world-wide bullshit oftentimes scares the crap out of me. So a lot of the time I'd prefer not to think about the big things.

I feel compelled to tell you today about how pissed off I usually end up after a trip to the supermarket. The angryfying incidents usually start as soon as I get there and don't stop until I leave. The first challenge is, of course, getting a parking space. Apparently everyone in my suburb gets the urge to go shopping at the same time because I have a bastard of a time finding a parking space whenever I go there. That's bad enough but have you ever noticed how the quest for a parking space tends to turn people into psychos?

Honestly, I'm not that aggressive towards other people in real life, despite appearances on this blog. The parking confrontation is bad enough when it's ambiguous who "found" the space first so it's not clear who should back off. But it really drives me crazy when you have been waiting for a car to come out of a space for a while then some nutjob swoops in and wants to fight you for it. And in many cases I mean literally fight. So you're put in a situation where you have to choose between engaging in an aggressive conflict or giving up a space that is rightfully yours by any standards of public decency. It's a fucking car space, not your ancestral homeland - get over it.

I think the car park thing is universal but the next part may be peculiar to me. I may have mentioned before my addiction to a particular caffeine laden fizzy beverage. Of all the variety of colas available there is only one I will drink out of preference. When there is an occasional special at the supermarket on my poison of choice I will attempt to stock up - get a couple of weeks' supply to save money. But the flavour I like is always the first to disappear from the shelves. This is not my imagination or some weird persecution complex. Maybe some of the other things I say are, but this is the simple truth.

My favourite is always, always the first one gone. And no word of exaggeration, at least 2/3 of the time when I go looking for an advertised special THEY DON'T HAVE ANY IN STOCK! The other four variations of the brand will be there in abundance but not mine. This is some bullshit conspiracy and when I track down the people behind it they are in trouble.

It goes beyond fizzy caffeine delivery systems too. There is a particular bread I like. It's thick cut and by some magical process (probably some evil chemical process) when you toast it, it goes crunchy on the outside and stays soft on the inside. It's totally awesome, fully living up to its advertising hype. And it's never in stock when I look for it. The same breadmaker has five other variations and they're always there. It never fails that my favourite is the only one out of stock. And so the whole trip to the supermarket is a waste of time. Yes, the only things I live on are bread and cola.

And then there's the checkouts. I have some insane, bizarre psychic power that enables me to pick the worst of all possible checkout queues to get in. If there are six lines, I'll pick the slowest. If I notice another line moving much faster and move over to it, after I get there it will slow right down and the line I used to be in will start moving faster. So I stay in one line knowing that changing lines is useless but then I see if I had changed to another line I would already be through.

So I've decided those cameras they have everywhere aren't to stop shoplifters. They use them to see me coming so they can get ready to fuck me over.


allmylovins said...

LOL!!! They do see you coming! They're watching your every move. They know what you buy and as soon as you arrive, they are just one isle ahead of you removing your favorites from the shelves. If it's not on special that week, they raise the prices. Then as you head towards the checkout-they slowly start putting the items back on the shelf. It has conspiracy written all over it!
Next time go shopping on Saturdays when your neighbors are celebrating the sabbath (laundry will have to wait-until the oil man is done)

moonflake said...

i think you are going to face up to the facts, angry. You are not a beautiful and unique butterfly. You like the same damn flavour of soft drink and make of bread as everyone else, and they are all just that little bit faster than you.

I think the fault is with the store manager for not recognizing the most popular brands and stocking more. Slashing his tyres may get the message across, though.

Mr Angry said...

allmylovins: I knew I wasn't paranoid, you agree with me!

moonflake: ouch! Harsh dose of reality for me there, although I liked your practical approach to a resolution..

zenstar said...

i was thinking of doing the whole fight club "we are the all singing all dancing blah blah blah..." speech too, only i got sidetracked by spanking.

i suggest going into supermarkets when there are no specials and creating "caches" of your favorite products throughtout the store.
its unlikely that they'll find all of your caches before the next special.

Mr Angry said...

Zenstar: that is a wicked good idea. Are all south africans as solution-oriented as you and moonflake?