Monday, May 15, 2006

Working With Animals

No, I'm not a vet. I work in an office. Theoretically with grown-ups. Suits, ties, the whole shebang. So why is it that people at this supposedly refined end of the workforce are such filthy fucking animals?

If I was working with, say, inmates in an asylum for the criminally insane rather than white collars "professionals" I'd have lower expectations. But for fuck's sake, what the hell is wrong with these people? Why do people think it's reasonable to leave a trail of filth and destruction in a space they are sharing with other humans? Is there a part of their brain that is missing? Do they have some sort of mental blinkers in place that let them go:

"When I walk away I can no longer see this filth I created. Therefore it no longer exists and I don't have to worry about it."

Or are they simply stupid? Is it a goldfish memory problem - forgetting things 5 seconds after they happen? By the way, I know the concept of goldfish having a 3-5 second memory span has been thoroughly debunked, but how did someone even come up with that concept? This is what I picture: they told a goldfish "Your name is Ralph" then waited five seconds and shouted "Hey Ralph, come over here!" When Ralph didn't respond they assumed it was because he had forgotten his name. Science triumphs again!

Forgetting about goldfish (get it?), let me catalogue the sort of behaviour that makes me so angry:

The kitchen sink: Every workplace has some sort of kitchen area, even if it's only a place to make tea or coffee. And every workplace has people who dump their crap in the sink instead of cleaning it and putting it away. Knowing full well that the following statement is totally sexist: YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T WORK HERE! And of the off chance you mother does work here she has given up on cleaning up after you. Do it yourself goddammit!

And if you happen to be lucky enough to have a dishwashing machine in your workplace, that doesn't solve the problem either. The filth-beasts do one of two obnoxious things in this scenario: they still throw their stuff in the sink instead of the dishwasher or they literally throw their stuff in the dishwasher instead of stacking it properly WHICH MIGHT ALLOW EVERYBODY ELSE TO PUT THEIR FUCKING DISHES IN AS WELL YOU IGNORANT BASTARDS!

And that isn't even the really troublesome end of the spectrum. Feel free to skip the next couple of paragraphs if you are easily disgusted. Now we get into how filthy people can get in a workplace toilet. We are beyond simple issues of etiquette here. I've listed various toilet rules you should respect to be civil, the following are things you have to obey simply to be human.

Toilets are stinky gross places where horrible pooty things happen. There's no getting around that. But what the fuck is up with supposed human adults leaving shit-stains on the seat? Skid marks on the bowl are bad enough but nobody seems to clean those off. But the seat? What sort of animal leaves shit stains on the seat for the next person to find?

And worse still, THE WALLS?!?!?!?!?!?! This has happened in multiple workplaces I have occupied. Every now and then, somebody smears shit on the walls. What the fuck is going through someone's mind when they smear shit on walls? The seat has a sort of logistical/accidental element that may excuse it but the walls is a deliberate act! Despite the fact smearing shit (or snot - that happens more often) on walls is unforgivably disgusting - it doesn't make sense! So you got shit on your hands, so what? What do you think the fucking paper is for?

I have to admit one of those "loss of innocence" moment in my life was when a female cow-orker complained of this happening in the female toilets. Men are almost universally of the opinion that women are wonderful clean creatures while men are smelly and disgusting. Girls don't fart or poop. That's our illusion and we're happy with it. To hear that this basest level of behaviour is exhibited by women as well as men... it was almost too much to bear.

Right, I'm going to have my lunch now.


kyklops said...

[WARNING: not for the easily nauseated]

Mr. Angry,
Shit smeared on the toilet wall is indeed disgusting, but not beyond the realm of possible human acts. I've been in a few toilets, however, where the shit seems to have been *sprayed* on the walls, defying not only common decency, but (apparently) the laws of physics as well. I swear, it would take a CSI team to figure out how someone got their arse up to about face level and then let go onto the wall. Ugh... sorry if I've grossed anyone out...


Michelle said...


That thing about the walls just threw me, I don't know how to respond.

zenstar said...

apparently (annecdotal: verify for yourself) goldfish have really short attention spans. its not that they forget about the little castle at the bottom of their bowl, its that they lose intrest in it in 5 second.
*swim swim* ooh look! a castle. *swims over* i could do such wonderful things with a castle. ooh look! a bubble. *swims off* i like buubles. they float away *bang bang bang - some stupid kid taps on the glass* OMFG! the world is ending! i'd better hide in that castle... hey! i could do such wonderful things with a castle...
and so on!

as for fecal artistry:
ever seen nightmare on elm street?
the scene where someone gets sucked into the bed and an eruption of viscera ensues?
i think that was johnny depp.
not that i'm saying depp is shitting in your bathroom... i just think he's a cool actor and i can't wait for pirates of the carribean 2 to come out.
to solve your brown writing problem: try painting the walls of the cubicles with lye.
i hear that stuff burns skin :)
btw: maybe some dude was in there doing his "bidness" when a bee/wasp flew in and attacked, causing chaos, histeria, and flying chunks...
you never can tell.
but watching people running around like penguins screaming and holding their singed fingers in the air would be awsome!

Mr Angry said...

hahahaha, how did I know this post would bring out the best/worst in comments:

Kyklops: wonderfully gratuitous - thank you for outgrossing me. My biggest problem is that this happens in a workplace where people are supposed to be professional. Public toilets are hellholes - I won't even mention the worst I've seen there.

Michelle: some things are better left alone.

Zenstar: very nice, a combination of truly disturbing stream of consciousness with some good practical advice.

zenstar said...

always aim to please :)
heh... "aim"
heh... "stream" of conciousness

please excuse me... i'm halfway through a filesystem and about to crack!
(ever had to deal with a mess of c++ pointers?)

pigeon weather said...

ew, nothing is worse than c++ pointers sprayed all over the toilet walls! what's next? sperm dripping from the ceiling onto your unsuspecting bald spot?

mooncrazy said...

This is pretty gross but I too worked in a large cubicle filled building and experienced things in the ladies room that would give you nightmares. I've never figured out why some people do what they do but they are on the don't-attend-any-party list.

Oddly enough, with the week I've had this somehow made me feel better.

Mr Angry said...

Zenstar: I knew I shouldn't encourage you

Tom: Don't encourage zenstar

Mooncrazy: Slap zenstar about a bit, that will make you feel even better :)

zenstar said...

hey... where's the love gone?
its not like i've ever managed to get sperm on the ceiling of any cubicles...
(that i know of)

Mr Angry said...

Don't be shy zenstar, I'd claim you had managed to get sperm on the ceiling - that's gotta impress the ladies.

Oh and Tom, I don't have a bald spot dammit!