Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Toilet Rules revisited

I'm still planning to rant about US neocons as per the suggestion of one of my readers, Jason, but there's so damn much to be angry about there I need some more time to focus and arrange my thoughts into a coherent enraged rant.

Besides, something has happened that is so outrageous I had to address it first. A look through the archives will show that I am particularly concerned with toilet etiquette, notably how it applies in the workplace. I am continually surprised when I discover women who don't know that men's communal toilets include a standard fixture known as a urinal. There are some variations in design but basically, the idea is that men stand side by side to take a piss. Letting it all hang out, so to speak.

I find this a slightly weird situation and I particularly don't like it at work. Sharing a little bit too much personal information in the workplace if you know what I mean. Normally I try not to think about it. Or avoid it altogether by using the toilet cubicles and closing the door to take a leak rather than getting into the group wee situation at the urinal. I actually had someone question why I do this rather than stand at the urinal "with the other blokes", to which my response was "why the hell are you so keen for me to get my penis out next to you?"

Some men's aversion to whipping the old chap out in company veers into homophobia. This has led to several uptight straight acquaintances swearing blind that gay bar toilets involve glass walls so that everyone can check each other out. All the best bars in Sydney are gay bars and I did spend quite a few nights going out to them in my youth and from my experience I can attest that these stories are completely apocryphal. And stupid too. The fact that I don't like shared toilet facilities has nothing to do with homophobia - call me crazy but I regard the whole toilet experience as a private thing.

Everyone knows the "no talking" rule (sometimes the only thing that makes it bearable is pretending there isn't really someone standing next to you who also has his penis out) but there's always someone who transgresses the rule. And today I was subject to the most egregious transgression I can remember. I'm using a lot of top shelf word today aren't I?

Anyway, I have previously mentioned my addiction to a certain bubbly beverage. I drink a lot of it and I try to balance it by drinking a similar volume of water. This results in me consuming a significant amount of liquids each day. Which results in many trips to the loo. So I go this morning and I'm standing there relieving myself. I was alone but then a cow-orker enters and stands next to me. And then he has the poor taste to say (as I'm letting fly with a fair volume and force):

"That sounds like a full bladder."

What?!? How many fucking personal boundaries do you want to violate at one time? How do people with so little clue as to societal rules even survive? And what was he expecting - an extended dialogue on bladder capacity? I was expecting him to whip out a ruler next and say "while we're here, let's compare how we measure up." Fortunately, that didn't happen.



Dr. Nazli said...

mmmm ... nice pink blog, Mr Angry! ;-)


Mr Angry said...

The pink is supposed to calm me down Dr Nazli! Do you think it's working? -and yes, I get the pink connotation ;)

zenstar said...

there is always some bastard who does not understand urinal etiquette (and he's normally the office jerk... sometimes the boss)
you should ALWAYS keep maximum distance between other urinal users
and never talk to other "users" unless you know them REALLY well
next time this guy arrives in the urinal with a quip on hand i suggest peeing on him, then run out of the toilets screaming "John's gone crazy and wet himself! i barely escaped with my life!"

Mr Angry said...

HAHAHAHAHAH! Holy crap zenstar! I thought I was a sick bastard. That's fucking brilliant!

Michelle said...

I'm trying to think of the perfect comeback line for that but I don't think it can top zentstar's suggestion. Hopefully the man has some sense of shame so it would actually affect him, though I'm not sure about cow-orkers, that's a species I've never come in contact with :)

Mr Angry said...

I'm sure you've seen the cow-orkers michelle :) Vacant expressions, shuffling through life like cattle, waiting for the inevitable slaughter.