I've just been visiting little Mr Angry (that's my son, not a perverse nickname for my... well, anyway) to see how he was because he fell in the shower last night and opened a fairly nasty gash on his forehead. Apparently these days they don't stitch you up, they actually glued the cut shut. That sounds risky, if the doctor wasn't paying attention, he could end up with his hand super-glued to my kid's eyebrow. When I was a kid I got sconed with a 2.5 kilogram discus at school and needed a couple of stitches. Yes, I know that explains a lot.
I have a lot of time for emergency services staff, they do invaluable work and should all be millionaires. It's absolutely criminal that soulless stockbroker types who produce absolutely nothing of value make a fortune while society's shock troops are paid a pittance by comparison. I say that as a lead-in disclaimer because in this particular case the hospital staff made me very fucking angry.
After waiting a couple of hours (aren't casualty wards fun?) a doctor got to work on stitching my head. He had a couple of trainee nurses with him and the following discussion took place just behind my head:
Doctor: Have you two had much experience suturing?
Nurse: Not on an actual person.
Doctor: Oh, would you like to practice on him?
WHAT?!?!?! I know everyone has to do something for the first time but they didn't have to let me hear! They could have gone into the next fucking room! The nurses sensed I wasn't happy and suggested the doctor do it himself. This may not have been the best idea for me as this was his running commentary:
Doctor: Now, I know there's a standard way to suture, but I have my own way. I go over and under and... oh damn, I've done it wrong.
I swear, if I hadn't had anesthetic pumped into my head a few minutes before this, I really would have lost my shit. I think if they had used glue in my day, this clown would have stuck my fucking head to the operating table. Anyway, the little dude's doing well. The cut is just above his eyebrow so I told him not to worry, even if it leaves a scar, it will look cool.
He thinks I'm weird.