Sunday, April 23, 2006

Smack the qi Right Outta These Hippies

The mob has spoken - it's fun to rip on hippies! Today we will examine how a hippie is capable of stringing together a bunch of perfectly good english words while still making no fucking sense whatsoever!

The following all comes under the heading "Tips to nurture your qi while working in the modern world." Oh yeah, qi is apparently life energy. I think some people spell it chi. So the hippies are appropriating chinese medicine here. I would like to say here that I'm not going to attempt to refute chinese medicine/herbalism/acupuncture. I just can't stand the appropriation of other cultures - especially when it seems the sole reason for doing so is so some pathetic whitey can seem deep and mystical to other dumb whiteys.

Qi is apparently at the source of chronic fatigue syndrome. Sounds terrible, but the hippies are here to help us. Step one is... wash your hands! That's right, get your qi all shipshape and bristol fashion by washing your hands. Hear that all you malingering chronic fatigue syndrome sufferers who feel like you can't even get out of bed some days.? It'll all come good if you wash your hands! Oh yeah, you have to have an "awareness on the level of qi" - makes all the difference.

Steps two on the road to hippie healing is... have a bath! But once more, with awareness of the level of qi. Without that, all you're doing is washing crap off your body. Oh, and on a really gross note, this hippie points out that they do "more than a simple excretion of toxic energies" in the bath. I am so not sharing bathwater with this person. And you thought you could relax in a bath without any hippie "wisdom"? Let me tell you, you aint thinkin' on the qi then you aint doin' shit.

And to really help us out, the hippie closes with "the most successful technique to combat the drain of mental and emotional stimulation" (okay, now I know what this hippie is doing in the bath). This technique involves "developing the centres of energy above the head". What, like in fucking helicopters? I really get angry with this tendency to spout meaningless drivel and cloak it in an air of "mystic knowledge". And don't ride on the coat-tails of other cultures, you're no different to the fucking conquistadors stealing gold when you try to steal someone else's spiritual beliefs.

On the plus side, I have discovered this magazine includes free passes to the hippies' Bullshitapalooza expo. I wasn't going to waste my money going, no matter how much fun it would be to rip on the hippies in person. Now I can get in free! Looks like Saturday April 29th is hippie head-kicking day.

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